Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

D is for My Drug Addict Dog

Ruff, ruff, bark, ruff, grrr, bark bark.

Loosely translated from dog to human: Hello, his name is Nemo and he's an addict.

Yes, that's right. I have the world's first drug addicted dog. I mean, it's not like he is out snorting coke or selling himself for meth, at least not that I know of anyway. No, the latest drug craze sweeping the animal kingdom is... fire ants.
Drug Lord

It all started when Nemo, my American Eskimo a.k.a Spitz,  came in one day looking like he had some irritation on his nose. I tried to put some Neosporin on it, which he naturally mistook for a gel-y goodness treat and licked off. The next day, it was a little worse so I gave him a Benedryl...did I forget to mention that he is allergic to himself? Oh yeah, he totally is. Maybe it's just pollen and crap getting on his fur, but he sneezes several times a day in a manner that involves his whole body, sometimes making his feet actually leave the ground. He is always incredibly surprised by this and afterwards, he  looks at me like, Holy crap! What the Hell was that?!?


Nemo -his nose used  to be solid black.
Anyway, Benedryl  didn't work. Within three days, his nose looked like the fake nose Rudolph's father makes him wear to cover up his red nose. By the fifth day, the damn thing looked like it was going to fall off. Afraid he had cancer or some mutant elephant nose doggy disease I took him to the vet who had no idea what the problem was.

Again...it used to be ALL black.
Finally, my friend saw an Animals Behaving Badly documentary. When he first told me about the show, I was afraid it was going to be about animals robbing banks or dogs on cheaters. The female dog catching her boyfriend dog with another girl dog, attacking her and barking, "That's my man, Bitch!" But no, because that would be ludicrous. Instead, the one my friend saw was about a drug addicted bird.

Turns out the bird would dive bomb into piles of fire ants causing them to spray a poison that causes the animal to get high. Now I had noticed Nemo had been hanging around some fire ant piles that were notorious for being a bad crowd. Still, I thought he was smart enough to stay away. But then one day, there he was, pawing at the pile. Looking back, I had noticed he would come in with his bleary eyes red and half opened, seeming incredibly chilled, and looking at me like, Mom, do we have any chips or cookies? I've got the munchies. He would also start whimpering, wining, and scratching at the door to go outside after only being inside for an hour. I now know, he was jones-ing for a fix.

Die! Die! Die!
Naturally, I was pissed. How dare these little pushers come on to my property and hook my baby! I had to get rid of them. I tried fire ant killer, but they just moved their pile or a new drug lord would just take over for the old one. Frustrated, one day my anger got the best of me. I was on my riding lawnmower and saw one of their little drug dens. I hit the gas and yelled, "Bonzai, you little bastards!" Not sure why I chose Bonzai, but in the fit of anger, people often yell strange things. I plowed through the den and they went flying all over the place. I felt victorious, so when I saw another one, I gunned it again. Only this time, the lawnmower stalled right on top of the pile. Not good...


Drug Den
I was swarmed. It was a blood bath, one from which my lawnmower would never recover. The other pile I had massacred...well turns out, I just scattered them everywhere. There are now little drug dens all across my 2 and 1/4 acre property and suddenly, I live in a "bad" neighborhood.

I tried to get Nemo into a 12 step program, but that is like 84 in doggy steps and he just doesn't have the patience...not when there are so many ant piles to snort.

Tomorrow's post: The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?

46 comments:

  1. I hope that cute dog is ok now.

    and I am kinda dying to read you tomorrow post--Kids for Sale?

    will be back!!

    best,
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MUWAHAHAHA (That's my evil laugh) My plot to lure you in with a teaser worked! LOL

      Delete
  2. I found the best thing to do in these situations is squirt some visine in his eyes and lock him in a room for a few days. Hopefully, in his seclusion, he can kick the habit.

    Or you could just nuke your lawn and rid yourself of those hoodlums.

    By the way, that is a beautiful dog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you (and he is all dirty in that picture. White dog and Georgia clay do not mix well). If I give him a bath, he goes right outside and rolls in it.

      I think I will try all of your suggestions -nuking and detox.LOL

      Delete
  3. I feel a little better about my Frankie's addictions, which are vaseline and cheese. I doubt anyone but his own belly got him hooked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope not vaseline and cheese at the same time. Does he use the vaseline as like a dipping sauce. My dog, Anakin (he is a husky) is addicted to Vaseline Intensive Care. I can be in the bathroom and he will be in the kitchen and he will come flying in and just started licking my legs.

      Delete
  4. Oh my goodness, you are a funny, funny girl. I just loved this post. I'll can't wait to read tomorrows post.

    Stopping in via the A-Z blogging challenge and decided to follow.

    Bev @ Blue Velvet Vincent

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you:) And thank you for following my blog. I'm glad you get my totally warped sense of humor!

      Delete
  5. I might have to try that. I wonder if you can inject them? Or do you have to do little ant lines?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nemo does lines...or should I say mounds. If you figure out away to make an injectable version, I think you could make a mint...at least from Nemo!

      Delete
  6. Oh, man! Poor Nemo! I almost cried, but couldn't because I was laughing too hard. Glad he's okay!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, his nose is still a mess, but it's not like we can put a cone over his nose so he'll stop licking it. Glad I started your day off with a laugh:)

      Delete
  7. OMG Freaking hilarious!! I love it well except for poor Nemo will now be profiled in the doggy world, that sux. Other dogs in the neighborhood will be showing up looking to score some fire ant now.:)Thanks for the laugh today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! They already hang around the outside of my gate. I thought it was because they viewed my house as like a doggy Disneyland kind of thing. Turns out Nemo is dealing fire ants to support his habbit.

      Delete
  8. Ha ha ha - shouldn't laugh, maybe he will get so addicted his septum will go like a coke-snorter! Better get him enroled in 12 steps now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep trying, but there are to many distractions... his tail keeps starting crap with him and he has to chase it; he has to play tug-o-war with Rickey the raccoon (A well, I'll say "stuffed" although it is actually one of those stuffless furry play things); throw in having to take about 30 naps and he can barely fit in 6 steps (42 doggy steps), let alone 12 (84 doggy steps)!

      Delete
  9. I am new to your blog and this made me totally laugh! Have you considered a doggie intervention yet?
    OMGSH...too funny.
    I will be back to see more from you. Following!
    ~Naila Moon

    http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/2012/04/d.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome, Nalia! (Great name BTW, very cool:)

      Tried the doggy intervention, but he just kept ignoring me and chasing his tail. I think in his paranoia, he thought it was chasing him.

      Delete
  10. Wow, that was hilarious! Poor puppy but I love your sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Melissa! Welcome to by blog. Don't feel too sorry for Nemo. You can't help those that won't help themselves.LOL

      Delete
  11. Best post I read all day! That is seriously funny. What about Candi from intervention? maybe that could help. I think maybe I know why my bog brown dog eats bees now. What a crack head! 84 steps. Still laughing on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh, ouch. That looks like a sore nose! Amusing post, though.


    The Golden Eagle
    The Eagle's Aerial Perspective

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks and welcome! Yeah, I feel sorry for my poor puppy. It looks so painful.

      Delete
  13. Thank you, Bushman:) And bees? Really?!? Ouch! I can see about Candi. I was thinking of writing Blue's Clues to see if maybe they could do a doggy PSA.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Man... I knew I should have stayed away from this post! Now, I have to go look all of this stuff up!

    When I was a kid, I killed fireant beds by flooding them out. It takes a few times to do it, but the dirt from the ant bed eventually gets hard and caked, and the ants move on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, here's the problem with that. I have 2 1/4 acres. I would have to make a moat around my house.LOL

      And you cannot stay away from this post. It is impossible. I suck you in with crazy facts, drugs (you know if you are into fire ant snorting), and pictures of hot chicks. Not to mention I am completely out of my mind!

      Delete
  15. Well, hey, I -always- wanted a moat around my house! I'm just giving you an excuse!

    And, wait! What!? Pictures of hot chicks?!?! Great! Now, I have to go digging through all of your old posts, too! Tricksy, you are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, check out my Shay Lynn Porn Star post or my A is for Askmen.com and Asses post. You'll see what I am talking about.

      (And I think moats are pretty freakin' cool- Can I put dolphins in mine instead of crocodiles?)

      Delete
    2. Crocodiles? Why would you put in crocs? They're supposed to have sharks!

      Hmm... must go look at A. :P

      Delete
    3. OK, there is something you should no about me. I think sharks are incredibly cool. I watch Shark Week every summer and am mesmerized by them at aquariums. That said, they scare the hell out of me! For some reason, I whole-heartedly believe that I would be the equivalent of filet mignon to a shark, a shark, who must get awfully tired of eating seafood.

      That said, I refuse to live in fear in my own home. I would have crocodiles if I couldn't have dolphins. If the crocs cross me, I could always threaten to turn them into a pair of nice boots, a belt or a shnazzy handbag. That said, if I could have a shark like Jabberjaw, I'd be all about it!

      Delete
    4. But shark skin can be used for that same stuff. Of course, fish are pretty dumb, so maybe threats wouldn't work?

      Delete
  16. New follower for a to z! Sounds like an intervention is in order? I hope fire ants aren't a gateway drug.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too! Next he'll be eating wasp nests or snorting beetles.

      I just started following your's too. I have brown hair in my picture for some reason, my google thing won't let me change my picture, no matter WHAT I do.

      Delete
  17. When I worked in Miami, I had weird hours. I always carried pepper spray just in case. When I got home, I'd put it on the counter and forget about it.

    Until one day I saw the dog doing the most bizarre dance ever in the living room. She had eaten the spray and set it off by mistake. After a couple of hours she finally recovered.

    Then went right over to the carpet where it had sprayed, and licked it.

    Dumbest. Dog. Ever.

    And now your newest follower. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome Juli! Thanks for following me and oMG is that awful. I would say poor dog, but she must have like it to some degree if she tried to get more off the carpet.

      It's funny, you always here people say don't give a dog this or that because it will make them sick. My dogs lick their butts, try to drink out of the toilet, and have eaten birds, mice, kitty poop, raw chicken they got out of the garbage and one brought me home a pygmy rattler she had been gnawing on. Believe me, if that isn't going to make them sick, NOTHING I give them will!LOL

      Delete
  18. 84 doggy days.
    hahahahahaha. So funny.

    I heart your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rena! I heart your shoes!!!!

      Delete
  19. OK, so seriously? I don't think you're weird at all. You're HILARIOUS! Love the way you write - so up front! So funny! And your drug-addicted dog? Doesn't he realize you can always tell a coke addict by the scabs on their nose?

    It kills me that people spend fortunes buying fancy food for their dogs, and meanwhile muttleys are snorting fire ants and cow pies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget kitty poop and barf! The food of true doggy champions with sophisticated taste buds;)

      Thank you for the compliment. I am from Michigan (originally) and used to frequent Canada so I am well aware of the reputation Canadians have for being so polite. Although, I didn't know about the whole crazed sex thing.LOL

      Delete
  20. OMG. I think I love you. I no longer care about your stance on coffee or pepsi. Yes, we can be friend!
    p.s. Thanks for the visit! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awe, I haven't had anything to drink yet this morning so I just like you right now. Give me some time to knock back some rum and cokes (See, I do LIKE Coke) and I'm sure I will return the affection:)

      Welcome to my blog and I am glad we can be friends. All of my other ones are imaginary and they are very conceited and refuse to talk to me.

      Delete
  21. HAHAHAHA, that was hilarious!! thanks for visiting my blog, you have a new follower, I'll be here a while reading old posts....just going to get a cuppa and I'll be back :)



    Bonsaiiiiiiiii...bahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome and welcome! I hope you enjoy the old ones too. I have to go stalk your picture now. It looks like you are holding a lion's head and I am incredibly curious as to whether it is or isn't and if you drugged it to take the picture or wrestled it to the ground bare handed!

      Delete
    2. OMG! It is the cutest thing ever!!! Can I come snuggle with it? I will bring him or her a ball of yarn and some Temptations (my kitty eats those, though she is much smaller).

      Delete
  22. Awww, poor boy. I hope his nose is better now. But I couldn't help laughing at the vision of you spraying evil pusher ants over your lawn. Not the effect you were looking to create, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow. Did not know this. What are the odds your friend figured this out?!

    Maybe you *should* put a fake Rudolph nose on your dog!

    ReplyDelete