I'd Like To Thank The Academy...

I rock!

OK, I am truly honored and speechless to have been awarded the Liebster Blog Award for the 2nd time. I am certain this award will cause my phone to start ringing off the hook with movie offers, book deals, and of course the possibility of being Tom Cruise's next wife. Sorry Tom, I'll have to take a pass. If you have read any of my posts, ( and come on, I'm sure you are an avid reader of mine) I'm certain you know that I have a mouth and I know how to use it (did that sound kinky?) which I am told is "frowned upon" in the world of Scientology.

Anyway, to accept the award, I am told that I have to 1st answer the following questions that were presented to me my by the person that nominated me for this totally awesome award:

 http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com

1.) Do you consider yourself to be super-duper fly?

Yes. Well...kinda. No... you know what, I do. I rock and I'm not afraid to say so! If you are with me, you are going to have fun. I accept people for who they are. I feel I have a good heart but also have a backbone. 

2.) What is your favorite reality show?

 I HATE reality TV... does Jon Stewart count because I love him and Stephen Colbert.

3.) Do you fear that the Apocalypse or Armageddon will occur in your lifetime? 

I'm not that vain to think it will happen, but I'm not that vain to think that it isn't possible. But I do have to say   that being super-duper fly would help me to survive;) LOL

4.) What is one of your top three favorite quotes of all time?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

5.) Who is your Favorite writer?

Dave Barry

6.) Can you recite any movie in its entirety, and if so, which one?

When Harry Met Sally, Weekend At Bernie's, The Usual Suspects, Christmas Vacation, Beauty and the Beast (thanks to watching it a gazillion times with my nephew when he was 2), probably many more. Wow, I need a life.

7.) What one person has most influenced your life thus far?

Jacob King (My friend's brother that died at a very young age) and the many wish kids I worked with through Make-A-Wish.

8.) What is your favorite childhood memory?

Christmas-sitting upstairs with a cup of cocoa staring at the Christmas tree (I still do that). I also liked going to our cottage up North.

9.) Why do you blog?

My blog is called Seriously, WTH? I do not feel that I should have to hold in the stupid shit people do. I think others should have to share the knowledge that clouds up my brain. I also am compelled to write(not by a witch or anything weird)...whether it is for my own amusement or just because I have stuff inside I want to get out. If I can make someone else laugh or thing, "OMG! I think that too" and it helps make their day a little better it makes mine better. I like knowing I make people smile.

10.) What is the most terrifying thing to ever happen to you?

I was in a car accident. One night when I was lying in bed I couldn't move...I couldn't speak. My dad walked by and I tried to call out to him but couldn't. I was terrified. It was like I was trapped inside my own body. Somehow I managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and was fine. Never happened before and never happened again but seriously freaked me out.

And finally, number 11) Do you wipe front to back or back to front?

I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.

Now I get to nominate blogs and give people questions. And the nominees for totally awesome rockin' blogs are (note some of you I did not nominate because I saw you on Aubree's site (i.e. HillBlocksView, pullmyfunnybone and jennoddo) and thought you would kill me if I made you do this again;):

http://www.sssporchparty.com/
http://justermie.blogspot.com/
http://myworldaccordingtomeii.blogspot.com
http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/2012/12/ollies-update.html
http://chiz-chat.blogspot.com/2012/11/feathered-matter-inc.html
http://seriouslyshutthefrontdoor.blogspot.com/2012/05/shizzle-that-is-said.html
http://www.survivingboys.com/2012/11/the-best-worst-coffee-ill-ever-drink.html
http://ilikeitonthetable.blogspot.com/
http://orphandoll.blogspot.com/
http://www.abeerfortheshower.com/
http://www.southernortherner.com/

Now, here are your 11 questions:

1) If education and salary wasn't an issue and you could have any job in the world, what job would you choose?

2) If you had the ability to know what other people really thought about you would you want to?

3)If you could be any other person besides yourself (and don't give me the crap about "I'm happy being me" play the game!!!) who would you be?

4) What is the one gift you hope you are going to get for Christmas?

5) What was your biggest "blond" moment?

6) If you could be invisible and be in a room to overhear a conversation (past or present) what would the conversation be (Old love? Watergate? Kennedy Assasination? Snooping on kids?)

7) Who is your favorite comedian/ humor writer?

8) If you could be a member of the opposite sex for 24 hours what would you do?

9)What is your favorite Christmas movie?

10) I'm stealing this question because I liked it - Why do you blog?

11) What is the one thing that you wish more people knew about you? (Maybe a misconception you wish you could set straight, a talent you have, or something else.)

Congrats to the nominees. I hope you accept the award. To do so, copy and paste the award from my page, post who you got the award from, answer my 11 questions, come up with 11 questions of your own and nominate 11 totally awesome bloggers;)

Oh! And don't forget my book will make great stocking stuffers...OK, maybe not stocking stuffers, but great presents for the single people in your life ...

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_21?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone&sprefix=why+am+I+still+single%2Caps%2C192

or
 For anyone suffering from chronic pain (migraines, back, fibromyalgia, etc)

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354631906&sr=8-2&keywords=pain+pain+go+away

Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey

Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-1&keywords=shay+stone

For those suffering from chronic pain

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-2&keywords=shay+stone

HO-HO-HOLD Your Damn Horses...Uhhh...Reindeer!

OK people, we have to talk. Something is seriously bothering me.

Now I am what you call a Christmas junkie. Growing up, I would listen to new friends talk about how they and their families got into Christmas only to realize that compared to my me and my dad, they looked like Ebenezer Scrooge, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Atheists all rolled into one. First they would pull up to the outside of my house which my dad spent days decorating. Well, that isn't exactly true. At one time he spent days decorating it. Over the years he had adopted the Redneck Christmas light philosophy of "keeping the neighborhood merry all year" and left the majority stapled to the house and just put out the lawn figures before Christmas.

My dad was never much for a theme so the lawn consisted of a manger scene, minus one King that someone had stolen, several reindeer (which I'm certain were present at the birth of Baby Jesus), and of course, the 1974 Santa Clause complete with sleigh, because, well, isn't that how the story goes? Jesus was given Gold by one King, Frankincense and Myrrh by the other two, and Xbox Kinect By the fat guy in the red suit. 

Once you got inside the house, you were greeted with moving figurines ranging from Mickey Mouse and Pluto to the Little Drummer Boy (again, my dad's theme was there was no theme). Scary ass Nutcrackers that, for the record, never cracked a nut, lined one of two mantels, waiting to come to life and kill us in our sleep (I hated those things!) Across from that mantel was the fireplace mantel that housed a gold-painted nativity scene, with enough stockings hung below it to keep a sweatshop of Vietnamese children busy for a year. Next to the fireplace was the gianormous fake tree complete with spray on snow which stood majestic, with multi-colored lights and bulbs.

Each one of my friends, would gaze upon the display and the response would always be the same, "Holy shit! Did the North Pole throw up on your house?" I even lived on Griswald (which anyone that is a Christmas freak knows that is the last name of the Christmas crazed family in Christmas Vacation). And yes, my family's house made the paper more than once growing up.

So I think you can tell, I am a Christmas freak. I listen to Christmas Carols. I bake my ass off. (However, I then eat it right back on). I watch Christmas movies, the same ones, 50 times. BUT one thing I do not do, is start celebrating Christmas is freaking August! 

Each year, it seems like the Christmas season is starting earlier and earlier. Black Friday is now on Thursday. THURSDAY!!! That is the stupidest thing ever. It is not black Thursday. Learn to read people. It is black Friday! It's in the title! Stores are starting to put up Christmas stuff up in October...some are even doing it in September. Screw Football! Go to hell Halloween! You're getting gobbled up Turkey Day! We are passing over some of the best holidays... not to mention one of the most important MY BIRTHDAY!!! 

If we're not careful, it will be so long 4th of July! Sayonara Easter! Arrivederci Valentine's Day! And "Attention Black Friday shoppers, Happy New Year's Eve!" So please people, let's take the holidays back! It's the only time my family just shuts up and gets along... 

*** Hey guys, I have been told some of you aren't greeting my blog by email since I changed my URL. Please resign up. Everything should be good to go now ;) ***

Video Post -

OK, so this is a little different from my regular posts. I decided to throw these on tonight because well, 1) I have already made them and 2) I don't want to watch anymore election crap. Tell me who won and lets get back to cleaning up the country!

Anyway, if you guys are bored I'd be interested in your thoughts. I am going to try to post some links below that I have posted on my FB author page. I still get nervous doing them. Let me know what you think. 3 are about relationships and 1 is about how to deal with Ocular Migraines- I'll let you figure out which ones are which. The break-up and migraine one are more serious, the other two will have some of my usual sarcasm infused;)

How To Get Through A Break-up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmcbYP9pvTg&feature=youtu.be

Great Date to Total Flake:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD-AfLTfwsk&feature=g-upl

Where To Meet Men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPlzD2eCMrM&feature=youtu.be

Pain, Pain Ocular Migraine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwMO6zI0bOQ&feature=share

I'm off to support my favorite party...the cocktail party! I encourage you to do the same. Cheers!

Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)

Today as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha...boobs...and I get to touch them.

See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.

(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)

Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)

Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);

Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.

Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.

Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"

Thought #6:  Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)

Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"

Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!

Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?

Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)

Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?

Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)

Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?

Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?

(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...


Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone

Allow Me to Clear That Up (11 things Guys Don't Understand About Women)

Recently there was an article posted on MSN called 11 Things Guys Don't Understand About Women.

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/slideshow?cp-documentid=31062622#11

I know your first thought was probably the same as mine, "Only 11?" I mean let's face it, there are countless times when we have seen a member of the opposite sex acting in a way that has made us just stop, shake our heads and think what in the hell?

Well, these ones seemed fairly simple, so in the interest of furthering communication between the genders, I have decided to throw you guys a bone and clear up these mind benders that were apparently plaguing you long enough that someone felt it necessary to write an article about them.  

1) Hair Tie Overpopulation: Yes, it's a girl thing.  We have tried to keep them nice and neat in a little plastic bin or drawer with our bobby pins and hair clips, but gradually, they find their way out around the house. It starts out simply enough, we take it out of our hair and set it on the coffee table. Then it gets knocked on the floor when we pick up our tea cup to take it into the kitchen. That's when the cat grabs it and smacks it around then next thing you know, it's hanging from the chandelier. Look, we know you love our hair down, but it gets hot or annoying after awhile and we need to throw it up. As long as there is long hair, there will be hair tie overpopulation. Don't worry, every once in awhile we will get a bug up our ass to completely clean out everything again and the hair ties will find their way home...however briefly.

2)Fear of Spiders, but Not Hot Wax: OK, this surprised me because I thought it was a total no-brainer. I can sum it up for you like this: Does hot wax have eight legs, crawl and bite? No. See, we can control hot wax. And while the placement may be painful, we know it's coming and can brace for it. It's a necessary evil we must accept. Spiders on the other hand, are unexpected, can sneak up on us, have been known to jump, bite, and well, have a serious icky factor.

3)Drama: I have a hard time with this one because I am NOT a fan of drama and do my best to keep myself out of it. I will say this, it isn't limited to women. I know men that thrive on it. I will offer 2 reasons on behalf of the fairer sex. First, women talk more than men. Put 2 of them together, and they will get off on a tangent and suddenly some harmless comment turns into something more. Add a 3rd and you've got the makings for Armageddon. I would delve into this further, but this is a blog not a book. If you want to read more, my book Why Am I Still Single A Tough Love Guide For Single Women just came out and there is a chapter called the Drama Queen that discusses all of this. (Shameless plug I know, but hey it's my blog and I'm poor!) The second reason is because women tend to be natural caretakers. Because of this, they will get involved in other people's business even when it doesn't involve them. Ever notice how some women cry over soap opera story lines? OK those are fake stories about people we don't know and that don't exist. Imagine how invested we get when it's people that we do know and that aren't imaginary!

4) Hormones: Why don't we just own them and admit an argument is stupid and we're only having it because it's that time of the month? Well it's simple... because we aren't. Here is the thing. We try to be easy going and let things slide. Yes, it is true that we are more emotional when it is that time of the month, but that doesn't mean that every argument that we have is irrelevant. If we have been asking you to pick-up the dry-cleaning for 3 weeks so that you would have clothes to wear to the wedding we have to go to, then on the day of said wedding, you say you forgot and try to turn it on us asking us why we didn't just go get it, we're going to get pissed and it has nothing to do with hormones. Our bullshit tolerance is lowered when we have our periods. You see it as being irrational and maybe, sometimes, we are. But sometimes, we are just cutting through the crap and calling a spade a spade.

5)Getting married:Why is it important? Depends on the individual. Some women don't want to be the odd man out among their friends; others feel the pressure from parents or society; some feel as though it is the key to their self-worth (SOMEONE wants me); and others see it as the only truly valid sign of commitment. You say why? They say why not? I will say this trend seems to be changing. Today's 20-somethings seem less concerned with getting married. I think a lot of it has to do with how comfortable you are with yourself, as well as the kind of relationships you were surrounded by growing up. If your parents had a wonderful marriage or you were surrounded by people with great marriages, you may be more inclined to want that commitment. (This type of female is also discussed in my book:)

6)Shoe Fetish: Again, it depends on the girl, but yes, if we love them, we love them and have a million pair. They can change an outfit and a mood. They make us feel pretty and special. They can take an outfit from day to night and are an extension of our personality.They make us feel fun, flirty, playful, relaxed, luxurious, and sexy. It's like you guys with your cars...or better yet, your beer. Each one can make you feel happy, comfortable, confident, and carefree. That's how we feel about shoes. Don't mess with our shoes, we won't mess with your beer.

7)Wild Attitude Fluctuations: Everything Is Good or the First 3 Months Then it Changes - Man, I should just write please read my book because I address all of this, seriously, it is a guide for women and a hand-guide/manual for guys! I hate this and it is SUCH a pet peeve. It's the FIRST THREE MONTHS. AKA. The Jekyll and Hyde phase. Think of it as a job interview. Men, women, whatever are putting their best foot forward. They aren't bitching or complaining. They want to spend all of their time together. It's the honeymoon phase. Again, I have to go with DUH! Hell, you are still even cuddling after sex in this phase.

8)Say What You Mean, Please: Why do they tell you you can do one thing like watch the game then get mad when you do? OK, seriously, now, this article is taking things right out of my book.  Quick answer: Some women expect you to be mind readers. They have an image of the perfect guy and expect you to know what they really want you to say or do. It's stupid. I know. It's all part of the whole fairy tale, knight in shining armor thing (blame Disney). A woman will tell you to watch the game hoping you will then turn to her and say, "My beautiful Love, why on Earth would I want to watch a bunch of sweaty guys clamoring after a stupid little brown ball when I could be snuggling on the couch, stroking your hair, talking about our feelings and watching The Notebook with you?" Come on! Like any man is going to say that without having it written in a script! (And the real kicker is, if you did say that to her, she would accuse you of being a sarcastic asshole!)

9)Why Say You Want A Nice Guy If You Don't? The thing is, we do want a nice guy. And we want to want a nice guy. But you still have to have that attraction. There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. We don't want someone that is going to treat us like dirt, but we don't want someone that puts himself down all the time ( a lot of nice guys tend to do that) or a guy that won't challenge us. Sometimes a "nice" guy is so happy to be with you that he doesn't challenge you or has no passion. He won't disagree with you or even take the lead sometimes in dating because he is willing to go along with "whatever you want to do." That's not being a nice guy. That is being a push over. You can be  nice and respectful, but still be sexy and engaging and challenging. Plan dates. Introduce us to things you like. Kiss us unexpectedly. Don't be overly timid. There is a difference between being challenging and being an ass. Just like there is a difference between being a nice guy and being a push over.

10)Why So Catty About Other Women? This one is hard for me too. I grew up with a ton of guy friends and guys as you know, pretty much accept everyone as-is. Women, well...not so much. If men don't like each other, they will beat the shit out of each other, then have a beer and call it a day.Women can be evil. So first, we have to assess if you are being genuinely nice or fake nice. Then we have to determine whether you are friend material or not. i.e. are you someone we could hang with and go shopping or are you the type that has to have every guys attention and want to steal everyone's boyfriend just to prove you can?

11) Be Direct, PLEASE!!! Again, anyone that knows me, knows I have no problem with this. However, I think a lot of women have a problem with being direct for two reasons. First, it goes back to the whole knight in shining armor thing. Some women are hoping you can read their mind and just figure it out. It's crap and I admit it. The second one probably holds more water and rings more true. Some women think that by being direct they will come across as being rude, pushy, or unladylike. They don't really know how to ask for what they want and feel embarrassed to do so. Maybe they fear you will view them as being weak or even a burden. Or maybe they just don't know or are afraid of offending you. After all, there is a reason so many women fake orgasms. If you don't ask for what you want, you don't get it.


So I hope I helped to clear things up. Feel free to shoot some more questions my way. Don't forget to check out my book available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com and please share it with everyone. Remember, I live in a place very close to Honey Boo-Boo and where the big event for New Year's Eve is A Possum Drop Countdown in the town next to me. I desperately need to move and need money to do so.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349975897&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone

 OH! And don't forget to "Like" my Shay Stone Facebook page. I am doing a Single Girl's Sweetest Day Survival Kit Give Away. Like the picture and comment underneath on why you should win it (Bad date recently? Horrible ex? Can't stomach the thought of going out on Sweetest day? Dated a guy that turned out to be married? Gay? Not a guy? 1 winner will be chosen. Tell friends to go "Like" your comment. Most likes wins:)

https://www.facebook.com/ShayStoneOfficialSite?ref=hl

Adventures in Bathing (or How NOT to Clean Your Bathroom Floor)

It started out simple enough. I just wanted to take a nice relaxing bath.

Now when I take a bath I don't just turn on the water, hop in, get clean and hop out. No. That would be stupid. When I take a bath, it is an event. I'm talking scented candles, relaxing music (usually some old school R&B), bubbles or bath salts, and of course, hot tea or a nice glass of wine to drink depending on my mood. It is an incredibly relaxing way to let the stress of the day melt away.

That is unless your cat decides to take a bath with you.

Allow me to set the scene: Everything is all set up. My water is at the perfect temperature, Sade is playing, and my candles are aglow. The kids, and by kids I mean my four dogs and one cat, are sound asleep. I get cozy, slink down into the tub and let out a big, long sigh. "Ahhhhhhhh."

After a minute or two, I get that weird feeling that I'm being watched. I open up my eyes to see my 1 and 1/2 year old husky very upset.

"What's wrong Monkey Face?"

Anakin (aka "Monkey Face")

 * Side note: His name is actually Anakin but, because he makes monkey sounds when he wants my attention, I call him Monkey Face.

"OOOOOOO  OOOOOO oooooo Ooo HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR".

For those of you that aren't fluent in dog that translates to: "Mom, you're in there and I'm out here. I don't know what all of that fluffy white stuff (bubbles) is around you, but I kinda think I should drink it. And you know that thing you brought home (Sawyer) looks a lot like my squeaky toy, but I get yelled at every time I try to make it squeak? Well, it is way over there on the edge of the tub where I can't get to it. Plus it's been like two hours since I've had a cookie and it's all very upsetting."

I turn my head to see Sawyer has managed to jump up on the other side of the tub. The two are now staring at each other. I tell Anakin to go lay down. He, of course, has tunnel vision and ignores me.

"Anakin! Go lay down!" I shout. He does his hyper little puppy butt shuffle and lets out a frustrated, "HARrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRuuuu." Then jumps up on the side of the tub and licks the water. This is enough to make Sawyer jump down and scurry away.

"ANAKIN, ya big perv! Go get your bone!"

Sawyer

Just as I start to relax again, I get the feeling that I'm not alone. I open one eye to see Sawyer back on the side of the tub staring at me, his big blue eyes curious. I close my eyes.

"Don't do it," I say, eyes still closed.

He sticks his paw in the water and tests it to see if it will support him.

"Meorowwww..." (Translation: Mom, you think I could walk on this?)

"No, Sawyer."

"Meorowwwwwwww..." (But Mom, I'm super fast. I could totally walk on this.)

"I understand meorowwww (you're super fast). But I'm telling you, don't do it."

He sticks his paw in the water again, slipping it a little bit further down. Perplexed, he stops and shakes off the water. Feeling more brazen, he does it again. Filled with determination, his baby blues glance up at me. "Meorowwwwwwwwwwwwww." (Oh Mom, I could SO do this!)

"Hfpfffffpffffff." (Translation: "I think he could.") Anakin has returned and is joining in on the conversation. He has placed his head on the opposite side of the tub and is glaring at Sawyer, who has gotten up and moved to another section. He and Anakin continue to have a stare-off, but a quiet one, so I close my eyes and relax for the next 5 minutes.

I have made it through  Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone and I'm well into Alicia Keys' I Keep Falling when a wave of water is thrust upon me.

"MRRRRARRRRRRRARRROW!!!" 

Sawyer had fallen into the tub, freaked out, and used my knees and head as a springboard. Anakin, who witnessed the whole thing thinks, I should probably help. In a heroic attempt to save the kitty or eat him, he jumps halfway into the tub. Immediately, he decides being in the tub sucks, and takes off after the kitty but not before knocking the various bottles, candles, towel, and tea into the bathtub leaving a trail of water and destruction behind him.

"WTH?!? SON OF A ... SAWYER!!! ANAKIN!!! OMG, SHUT THE HELL UP, ALICIA KEYS!"

Next time I need to unwind I think I'll walk through Compton, downtown Detroit, or Newark alone at night wearing nothing but a chain of $100 bills around my neck and a sign that says rob me. Maybe I'll juggle a few live grenades too, while I'm at it. I'm sure that would be much more relaxing.

Seriously, WTH?!?

****Don't forget to Like me on FB: Shay Stone****

My URL Is being changed to shaystone-seriously-wth.blogspot.com

My URL IS BEING CHANGED TO shaystone-seriously-wth.blogspot.com

if I don't show up or you lose me, please come back or add me to your RSS feed.

 Been having some issues with the change.

Thanks!

IMPORTANT - WANT MAKE SURE I DON'T LOSE YOU GUYS

Hey guys, I know I have blogged much lately. I have been crazy busy. I plan to start up again soon which is why I am sending this out. I am going to try to change my blog address again. I tried in May and got paranoid because I thought I lost all of you so I switched it back. My blog site is mentioned on the jacket and is also going to be on the website that I am going to be putting up.

 Unfortunately, because I was such a newbie when I began my blogging I used my real first name in my URL (allow me to pause for a second to give myself a little high 5 to the head!) So I am going to try to switch it again. Can you guys check back and see if you can get to me in a few days? I tried to find a way to contact Blogger but that was harder than finding Waldo.

If it doesn't work, you should know that I plan on going to each of your sites and hounding you until you follow me again because as I have told you before, my self esteem is directly linked to what you think of me.

Wish me luck...I'm going in!

(APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES LATER)
...OR THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING MAINTENANCE AND WON'T BE ALLOWING ANY CHANGES RIGHT NOW. OK, I'LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW!

I Have An Important Announcement...

After much deliberation I, Shay Stone, am announcing my candidacy for President.

Yup, that's right, I'm throwing my hat into the race. (Well I don't actually have a hat on so you will just have to settle for a hair flip).  Several things led me to this decision; the state of the economy, the healthcare and medicare issues, the amount my cool factor would increase when I showed up everywhere with my personal entourage of Secret Servicemen all of whom would bear a remarkable resemblance to Channing Tatum. I would also really enjoy the ability to cut in front of everyone when I have to pee Yes, all of things contributed to my decision, but one has driven me more than anything else. My Facebook wall.

I am sick and tired of all the nonsensical political propaganda, glittering generalities, and smear campaigns that are over running my Facebook page.

Seriously, WTH does this even mean?!?

It has got to stop. It is preventing me from finding out important information like who is sleeping with whom, which of my other food items are made with pink slime and who got booted off Project Runway. So in the interest of getting all the political crap off of my Facebook page, I have decided to enter the Presidential Race.

Now unlike previous politicians, I am not going to blow smoke up your ass because 1) I don't smoke and 2) I don't know where your ass has been. I am going to come right out and tell you my plan.

1.) Bring all of the troops home to their families. No more wars for political reasons. If we do go to war it will be to help people that are being terrorized (look up Uganda's Night Walkers). There is no political benefit for us to go there which is why I believe we aren't. We'll fight for a commodity like oil, but not for human lives. So, I would just send some Navy Seals there to open a big ol' can of whoop ass on some Rebels and then bring them home;

2.) I would take all of the money we were spending on the war and pay schooling for anyone that is willing to go into fields that would focus on finding alternative fuel and energy sources. On that note, I would also standardize classes so that all college courses rated the same and were transferable. Meaning if you took English Course 330 in one university it would be English Course 330 in every other college/university and you wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars because your credits didn't transfer. Also, to receive a Bachelor's Degree, you would also only be required to take the classes that were 100% necessary for your degree. None of that, "You need to take core classes to become a more well-rounded person." If I want to be more well-rounded, I'll eat more;

3.) I would change the salaries and freeze the assets of all Congress for 1 year. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same for anyone that is running for Congress and President. Let's see how bad they really want to be in office. I would then make them go and apply for minimum wage jobs. If they got hired, then they would have to survive on $7.25 an hour before taxes just like most of America is doing. Hell, I'd even let them get $9.00 an hour. Let them see what it's like to try to find some place to live, afford a car, food, health insurance AND support a family. THEN I will believe them when they say they understand what the American people are going through. Until then, every American will have the right to bitch slap any politician that utters the word, "I am The American People. I know their struggles and concerns." Having to fly Business class because your private jet is on the fritz does not make you one of us;

4.) Jon Stewart would be my VP and Stephen Colbert would be my Press Secretary;

5.) I would call my supporters The Stoners;

6.) There would be mandatory drug testing for Welfare recipients. If you can buy drugs you can buy a bus ticket and get your ass to work. Hopefully you will also use some of that money to buy a belt to hold up your damn pants. There would also be a random drop in twice a year. If you are driving an Escalade and receiving Welfare, your ass is going to jail. Then, you won't even need to buy that belt;

7.) While we are on the subject, I would make it illegal to wear low, beltless pants with your stanky ass underwear hanging out, skirts and shorts that are tight and short enough that we are able tell if you shave or go au naturale and clothing that gives you ass cleavage. If you are caught wearing any of these items you are sentenced to wear a Forever Lazy(TM) for one year. Trying looking cool when you are dressed like a Teletubbie;

8.) I would have a strict review of all Government spending projects and do away with ones that give $250,000 to see if monkeys like ketchup or some other made up crap projects that hemorrhage money. I would take that money and healthcare would be free. I would probably even have enough money left over to buy the monkeys some bananas so they had something to put their ketchup on;

9.) Anyone that was caught saying or was stupid enough to protest or post crap on Facebook or any other social media outlet that shames or condemns someone else's race, religion or life choices is subject to having their entire computer history, phone texts, pictures, medical records and diary/journal posted on the Jumbotron in Time Square. You will also be followed around the clock with cameras so that everyone can see how truly perfect and noncontroversial your boring, judgmental life is. We reserve the right to point and laugh;

10.) I would ban dog racing. I have nothing funny to say about this. Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about how horrible the animals are treated and one of my life's missions is to get it stopped. So this is where I will be instituting my own political agenda. (R.I.P. Apollo Big Dog);

11.) If you are a convicted murder, sex offender,  or guilty of any other violent crime, then grab your parka folks because you just bought yourself a one way ticket to Antarctica. Yup, that's right enjoy the frigid  -128.6⁰F  temperatures as you try to survive in this barren, frozen tundra where the only people you can harm are yourself or other criminals like you. To all you male sex offenders, I suggest you watch where you whip that thing out at because it may freeze and break right off. Let's see how much you enjoy getting off when you have icicles coming out of you penis!

12.) It has been proven time and time again that far to many stupid people are reproducing. Because of this I would make everyone take a mandatory parenting test that would have seemingly simple questions like: 

If it it is 100 degrees out is it OK to leave your child in the hot car while you go into work or shopping?

If your child is in a restaurant (assuming it is an adult restaurant and not Chuck E. Cheese) and is running around tables and screaming at the top of her lungs like a maniac should you stay in the restaurant and ignore her or should you give her a warning and then if she doesn't listen, pack up your out of control child, food and leave? 

If you only have $10 and your child needs diapers but you also need beer which one do you buy? (Come on guys. THINK! You can figure out the right answer to this one.)

Anyone male or female failing these tests is shackled with a chastity belt and given a parenting manual and will then be given a second attempt to pass the test. If they fail again, then they will be neutered. I'm sorry, but it is the only way I can think of to stop the planet from being overrun with idiots. If someone has a better idea, I am open to suggestions;  

13.) I would adopt New Zealand's immigration policy. If you want to come into our country, you must have no prior criminal record, have a least, let's say $50,000 US in the bank, and you must be able to contribute to and better our society (i.e. you must be a doctor, teacher, artist, author, philanthropist, etc.). If you can't add to our country you are going to detract from it. That's right bitches, I'm closing the doors to the freeloaders. 

So please, no more posts about how we still haven't seen Obama's birth certificate. (We have and even if we hadn't, he has almost completed one full term as President. Let it go.) I also don't care if you think Romney looks Like Herman Munster and Paul Ryan looks like Eddie Munster. If you are basing your political choice on either of these things, then you are a moron and your parents should have been neutered!

Unfortunately, I know my chances for the presidency are slim. I am not crooked and sadly, from what I understand that is a requirement in order to reach that position in office. As a matter of fact, I should probably enter Witness Protection just for writing this. At least now people will stop posting crap about Romney and Obama on my wall. Instead, they will post made up crap about me and attack my character on other people's walls. Just make sure I look hot in the ads.

I am Shay Stone and I approve this message. 

Here I Come To Save The Day!

As many of you may have heard, there is a little movie coming out this week called The Dark Night Rises. This is one in a series of superhero movies that is being or has been released this year.

Here are a few others and their "kryptonite."

Spiderman - aka Peter Parker.
Superpower-Can shoot webs and swing all around town catching bad guys.
Added Bonus- Can climb up walls so you don't have to worry about dusting fans or light fixtures.
Monetary Status-Poor. Crime fighting doesn't pay well and he has a hard time keeping his day job after chasing bad guys all night.
Dating Drawback-Spiderwebs in you hair and um...maybe other places. Plus, he probably won't kill a spider for you. After all, it may be family.
Kryptonite- A can of Raid or a really big tissue.

Batman - aka Bruce Wayne
Superpower- He has really cool toys he uses to catch bad guys.
Added Bonus-Has a kickass car and his own theme music.
Monetary status- If he had a dollar for every dollar he had he'd have another couple billion dollars.
Dating Drawback- Unreliable. Maybe called away to chase Jokers and Penguins on a moments notice; No quickies-that suit has to be a bitch to get off. Also, his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, seems like a bit of an overly medicated, depressing wanker.

Kryptonite: Ozzy Ozbourne

Iron Man- aka Tony Stark
Superpower-Brilliant. He can make anything he needs to beat the bad guys and has the money to do it.
Added Bonus: He is a witty  good-hearted, philanthropist. The fact that  Robert Downey Jr.plays him seriously ups his YUMMY factor.
Monetary Status-Bill Gates has been heard saying, "God that guy's rich!"
Dating Drawback-He is a self proclaimed playboy; also, you had better make sure your car insurance is paid up because he is bound to scratch up your car with his iron hands and feet.
Kryptonite: A hose, heavy rain or a good thunderstorm.

Wonder Woman- aka Diana Prince
Superpower- Super speed and strength.
Added bonus- The girl knows how to accessorize. She has bulletproof bracelets and a lasso of truth. Traffic jam? No worries. She has an invisible jet.
Monetary status- She is a princess and runs a large corporation. So shorty got a car, shorty got a job, shorty can pay her own rent.
Dating Drawback- OK, she's not exactly a "shorty." Being an Amazon Princess makes her one big bitch that could squash a smaller man. Her vibrator is the size of a thermos; Also, you can't lie to her-she has a lasso of truth.

Kryptonite- "Where the hell did I put my bracelets?!?" If her bracelets break, she will be thrust into an uncontrollable rage; other weakness- a penis. Yup, that's right. When all is said and done, she is still a woman. If a man binds her hands, she is completely powerless. So for all you freaky-deaks out there, bondage is off the table. However, given the way that she spins like an Olympic ice skater to turn from Diana to Wonder Woman, I think most men would forgo the bondage for a little sit and spin.

Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.

Excuse Me While I Lick This Toad

Every so often my mind tends to wander. Who am I kidding? Since I took off the restraints it made a downright sprint towards insanity. But for the point of this post, let's pretend it just casually wanders pondering the great questions of the world:

Did Christopher Columbus really discover America? If not, why did he get all of the credit?

Was the Big Bang loud?

What if Al Capone had a better accountant?

Can I wear black and yellow without looking like a bumblebee?

Who licked the first toad?

Drugs have always baffled me for several reasons that I won't get into. However one thing has always twisted my brain into a tiny little knot more than the rest:  Who licked the first toad?

Think about it. For every drug that is on the market, there has to be someone that was the first to try it. Now while I haven't done it, there are certain things that seem more natural than others. For example, pill popping seems like it would be the most obvious. From the time we are born, we start putting things in our mouths (*Note: Please hold all of your sexual comments and innuendos until the end you big bunch of pervs!). Anyway, we're born and our fists go in there. Then we move on to food, toys, etc. So while the concept of a pill and how to make it causes us to scratch our heads, the act of taking one seems almost second nature.

Cheech & Chong
No copyright infringement intended

The next most obvious choice would be to smoke something. Opium is arguably the first drug ever discovered. Some dude in a robe with no hair, but an incredibly long, twisted beard was sucking on a pipe of opium long before Cheech and Chong ever sparked their first doobie. And you can kind of see an opium field (or even a marijuana field) catching fire, everyone getting this kick ass buzz and being like, "Dude, we SO have to do this again."

Hence the Blazing of the Doobie begins.

Now it gets a little crazy. Needles. When some sadistic bastard said, "Hey, you see this sharp pointy thing? Well I filled this tube it's connected to with a bunch of crazy ass shit and I want to stick it in you to see what happens," I want to know what crazy ass person said, "Oh man, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And when the first person shot up, did they immediately use heroine or morphine or did they start with something simpler like milk or bleach?

"Let's check our test subjects. OK, the guy we injected with milk is still alive, but nothing seems to have happened. Where's the guy with the bleach...OH! WHOA! It looks like he actually tore his skin off his body before his head burst into flames. However look how pearly white his teeth are!"

Then there are the snorters. Based on my own research I can only assume this starts somewhere in childhood because when I was in 3rd grade I watched as Jeff Redmen crushed up a bunch of sweet tarts and snorted them up his nose. I don't know if that is still the way he enjoys them, but I know I still prefer to chew mine.

Which brings me to toads. Years ago, I was speaking with someone whom I would describe as a drug connoisseur, meaning he was an on-again off-again addict. Junkies are great. OK, that sounded bad. What I mean is, junkies seem to be mystified by anyone that has not taken drugs. They immediately launch into a list of every drug they have ever taken or heard about along with some whacked out story of something that happened when they did.

"Oh man, I was hyped up on some Ecstasy and Coke and I drove my car into a cow pasture, took off all my clothes made a slip and slide out of cow patties, shot myself up with some milk and then woke up next to a very satisfied looking goat."

So this guy was the first to ever tell me about toad licking. Apparently if you lick a certain kind of toad, you get this psychedelic effect that is "really bitchin'." At first I thought he was yanking my chain, but over the years I have heard a few people mention it. When they do, I always ask the same question: Who licked the first toad?

More importantly, I want to meet the person that convinced the other person to lick the first toad because that my friend, is someone that could sell water to a drowning man. Was it a bunch or drunken Rednecks that made someone do it on a dare? Maybe some naive teenage girls that took the you-have-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-a-prince a little too far?

And more importantly, how many licks did it take to get to the center?

The world may never know.

You Must Be Out Of Your Damn Mind!

If you are like anything like me, you love a good massage. If you aren't anything like me, then you're insane because massages rock. There are only two times I get annoyed while getting a massage. The first is when someone massages me too light. I need some crap worked out so don't be a wuss and gently stroke my body. Get in there and break some shit up. The second thing that annoys me is when I get a Chatty Cathy. How the hell am I supposed to relax and envision myself on a beach with Johnny Depp or Colin Farrell as my masseuse if you won't shut the hell up?

Other than that, I love getting a massage. The quiet, serene room with new wave music or nature sounds playing softly over the speaker; the warm massage oil against your skin; the firm yet soft hands rubbing away the tension; and of course the snakes slithering across your body.

Wait...what?!?

Yes, apparently some place in Israel offers snake massages. They take non-venomous snakes (Duh!- Do they really need to specify that?), put them on your back and let them slither all over you. And I guess to some degree, that would relax me. You know, if you consider death to be a form of relaxation.

Now after you have finished with your massage and have changed your underwear because you have undoubtedly pissed your pants, you can take a quick plane ride to Japan (or New York) and get yourself  a nice nightingale, bird poop facial. No no...wait, it's not crazy. They use ultra violet lights to sanitize it and make it odor neutralized. See it is called a Geisha facial because it is said that Geisha girls do it to keep their skin that beautiful, smooth milky white. Well, maybe it is milky white...it may just be residuals from the bird poop.


Once those scaly suckers have been removed from your back and your face is a nice, soft bird poop white, you can head on over to Turkey or Virginia for a nice fishy pedicure. That's right stick your feet in a bucket and let these little toothless fish gnaw your troubles and dead skin away.

OK, I am against this for several reasons. First, as a general rule, I don't want fish to eat me. It is why I am scared to swim in the ocean. Maybe I'm good for them. After all, fish is supposed to be good for humans. Maybe somewhere there is a fish reading (it would have to read because they don't have internet because computers are not waterproof). Anyway, maybe a fish is reading an article in the Daily Reef and thinking, "They eat us? Why would they want to eat us? See, this is why I don't like to go on the land."

 Second, (although admittedly this might be kind of cool), I think I would get a Paul Bunyan complex. I would think of myself as this giant with these Great White sharks nibbling at my feet unable to hurt me because I am 9 million feet tall and can hold them by their tails (fins) and eat them like sardines, you know, assuming sardines weren't gross and disgusting. Third, I kind of feel bad for the fish. What? They don't feed them all day so the little things are so hungry they will eat anything you put in front of them? I mean, seriously, have you seen some people's feet? But maybe dead foot skin is all they can eat.  Are these fish really just tiny piranha minus the chompers? I mean seriously, where are their teeth? Is there a little fishy dentist or tooth fairy going around removing them all? Finally, after my fish-acure was over and I left not only would I be afraid my feet would smell like fish (unless they were smart enough to use the same odor neutralizer they used for the bird poop), but I would also be afraid that maybe the fish would talk smack about my feet after I left.

"Did you see her feet?"

"Does she really think she can pull off that crazy yellow nail polish color?"

"Dude, she wasn't wearing nail polish!"

Of course I wouldn't understand any of this because I don't speak fish, much like I don't understand the women at the nail salon I go to now, whom I am certain are talking about me.

No, after careful consideration, I think I will stick with the old school treatments. So you can go ahead and be one of those cool trendsetters. Enjoy your snake massage, bird poop facial and fishy pedicure. Just don't ever expect me to rub your back, let you borrow my shoes, or kiss your face. After all, I know where they've been.

Seriously, WTH?