The Naughty List

I have recently seen funny pictures on the internet of dogs confessing their bad behavior. With Christmas being so close, I decide to give my own dogs and cats (past and present) a chance to make thinks right so that they can get off Santa's Naughty List and back on the Nice List.

Now they may look sweet and innocent, but they all have multiple offenses. So I now give you...The Naughty List:

NAUGHTY LIST #1:

NAME: ANAKIN
AGE: 2
BREED: HUSKY
ALIAS: MONKEY FACE, MONKEY, FACE, MONK
CRIMES: BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE, FIGHTING, THEFT OF PROPERTY

BREAKING AND ENTERING

Broke into the cat's house

DEFENSE: "Mom said I wouldn't fit. Clearly she was wrong."

ASSAULT 

Fighting with...

and trying to eat the kitty

THEFT: WELL KNOWN SOCK THIEF

(This is what happens to the other sock that goes missing from the dryer)

ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE

(MUST sneak up from behind and stick his nose up your butt when you are wearing only a robe.

Has also been known to get right up in your face and sneeze)

NAUGHTY LIST #2:

APOLLO

AGE: 10 
BREED: GREYHOUND
ALIAS: BIG DOG, ZOOG, ZOOGY
CRIMES: THEFT, RELEASE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, TRESPASSING

THEFT

(Stole pizza off counter piece by piece and let mom and her friend think each other did it)

CHEMICAL WARFARE

(Secretly farts and then leaves the room leaving everyone else gasping for air)

TRESPASSING

(Broke into the bull pasture at the old house and chased them until they had enough and chased him)

NAUGHTY LIST #3

NAME: NEMO
AGE: 10
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
CRIMES: DRUG ABUSE AND DRUG PUSHING, MISUSE OF PROPERTY

DRUG ABUSE/ DEALING

(Snorting fire ants and trying to get doggy brother and sisters to do it too)

MISUSE OF PROPERTY

(Likes to pretend the front yard is  a spa and takes mud baths regularly)

NAUGHTY LIST #4

NAME: AXEL FOLEY

AGE: 2

BREED: LONG-HAIRED CHIHUAHUA

CRIMES: TRESPASSING, KNOWN PERVERT, ASSAULT

 TRESPASSING

(Hang out on the dining room table when Mom isn't home)

PERVERT

(Likes to hump Anakin's face...

and his Santa toy until he has an asthma attack)

(Also likes to touch, lay on, and stick his head down the shirt of women)

ASSAULT

(Likes to bonsai off the steps onto Anakin's head and fight)

NAUGHTY LIST #5

NAME: KUNIK JEFFREY

AGE: 9

BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)

ALIAS: SNEAKER DOG, NEAKERS, JEFF

CRIMES: THEFT, MURDER

THEFT

(Anakin's sock thief partner)

MURDER

(Killed Santa)

 NAUGHTY LIST #6: 

MINOR OFFENDERS

NAME: P.O.W KITTY (PIECE OF WORK)
AGE: 4
BREED- UNKNOWN
ALIAS: BURGER 
CRIME: FRAUD AND THEFT - 
EATS TINSEL AND GARLAND OFF CHRISTMAS TREE AND THEN POOPS IT OUT.

FRAUD

(Pretends to admire daisies, but really eats them)

 P.O.W. was also accused of fighting with Anakin, but that was later ruled as self-defense.

NAUGHTY LIST #7

(MINOR OFFENDER)

NAME: SAWYER

AGE: ALMOST 2

BREED: UNKNOWN

ALIAS: SOYS, BABY KITTY

CRIMES: ATTEMPTED ASSAULT, TRESPASSING

ATTEMPTED ASSAULT

(Tried to walk across the water while Mom was taking a bath)

...thankfully Anakin jumped in to save him... Mom was not happy with us.

TRESPASSING

(Trespassed on dining room table with Axel)

Sawyer is also the prime suspect in the destruction of Christmas ornaments and is believed to be the Kingpin of a hair tie theft ring.

NAUGHTY LIST #8:

NAME: COLBY JACKSON

AGE: 10

ALIAS: COLBS

CRIME: MIND-NUMBINGLY STUPID. SERIOUSLY...NOT SURE WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS SMARTER.

We also are looking for any leads on an unsolved crime: 

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have been good enough to make Santa's Nice List, but bad enough to just miss being on the Naughty List ;)

HO-HO-HOLD Your Damn Horses...Uhhh...Reindeer!

OK people, we have to talk. Something is seriously bothering me.

Now I am what you call a Christmas junkie. Growing up, I would listen to new friends talk about how they and their families got into Christmas only to realize that compared to my me and my dad, they looked like Ebenezer Scrooge, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Atheists all rolled into one. First they would pull up to the outside of my house which my dad spent days decorating. Well, that isn't exactly true. At one time he spent days decorating it. Over the years he had adopted the Redneck Christmas light philosophy of "keeping the neighborhood merry all year" and left the majority stapled to the house and just put out the lawn figures before Christmas.

My dad was never much for a theme so the lawn consisted of a manger scene, minus one King that someone had stolen, several reindeer (which I'm certain were present at the birth of Baby Jesus), and of course, the 1974 Santa Clause complete with sleigh, because, well, isn't that how the story goes? Jesus was given Gold by one King, Frankincense and Myrrh by the other two, and Xbox Kinect By the fat guy in the red suit. 

Once you got inside the house, you were greeted with moving figurines ranging from Mickey Mouse and Pluto to the Little Drummer Boy (again, my dad's theme was there was no theme). Scary ass Nutcrackers that, for the record, never cracked a nut, lined one of two mantels, waiting to come to life and kill us in our sleep (I hated those things!) Across from that mantel was the fireplace mantel that housed a gold-painted nativity scene, with enough stockings hung below it to keep a sweatshop of Vietnamese children busy for a year. Next to the fireplace was the gianormous fake tree complete with spray on snow which stood majestic, with multi-colored lights and bulbs.

Each one of my friends, would gaze upon the display and the response would always be the same, "Holy shit! Did the North Pole throw up on your house?" I even lived on Griswald (which anyone that is a Christmas freak knows that is the last name of the Christmas crazed family in Christmas Vacation). And yes, my family's house made the paper more than once growing up.

So I think you can tell, I am a Christmas freak. I listen to Christmas Carols. I bake my ass off. (However, I then eat it right back on). I watch Christmas movies, the same ones, 50 times. BUT one thing I do not do, is start celebrating Christmas is freaking August! 

Each year, it seems like the Christmas season is starting earlier and earlier. Black Friday is now on Thursday. THURSDAY!!! That is the stupidest thing ever. It is not black Thursday. Learn to read people. It is black Friday! It's in the title! Stores are starting to put up Christmas stuff up in October...some are even doing it in September. Screw Football! Go to hell Halloween! You're getting gobbled up Turkey Day! We are passing over some of the best holidays... not to mention one of the most important MY BIRTHDAY!!! 

If we're not careful, it will be so long 4th of July! Sayonara Easter! Arrivederci Valentine's Day! And "Attention Black Friday shoppers, Happy New Year's Eve!" So please people, let's take the holidays back! It's the only time my family just shuts up and gets along... 

*** Hey guys, I have been told some of you aren't greeting my blog by email since I changed my URL. Please resign up. Everything should be good to go now ;) ***

All I DON'T Want for Christmas Is...

As Black Friday (also my birthday) approaches I would like to take a moment to implore my friends and family: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not buy me a Forever Lazy onesie by Snuggie.

A few years ago, the Snuggie launched an infomercial assault on the unsuspecting public. Soon everyone ditched their comfy but unwearable blankets and were clamouring for these super soft, cuddly, backwards robes. After all, what sane person would want to wear an old-fashioned forward robe when you could easily slip into a backward one?

Snuggies started showing up under Christmas trees everywhere. Don't know what to buy someone for Christmas or their birthday? Give them a Snuggie. Who wouldn't love a Snuggie? Even the name makes you feel all warn and cozy. Plus, to ensnare us even further into the Snuggie web, they enticed us with cool new colors, animal prints and of course, the creme de le creme of Snuggies, college sports team Snuggies.

Yes, the creators rode the Snuggie wave all the way to the bank.

But now what? If everyone already has a Snuggie, how will they sell more? Will the Snuggie suffer the same fate as Cabbage Patch Kids, the Hula Hoop, Teddy Ruxpin and other one hit retail wonders?

Fear not my fellow consumers. The Snuggie creators are way to innovative to let this trend that took us by storm just fade away. I give to you: The Forever Lazy.

Remember feety Pajamas? The ones that your mom use to dress you up in as a kid, then send you to bed to roast and sweat buckets for the entire night. They had rubber non-slip pads on the bottom that if you rubbed your feet really fast on the carpet, you could walk up to an unsuspecting friend or sibling and shock the hell out of them. Well, the Forever Lazy allows you to relive those days without the fun of the unsuspecting shock. They are feetless, fleece pajamas...I'm sorry, outfits...that keep you toasty. And unlike the Snuggie, they're totally wearable and there is one for every occasion. Work Blue for those days at the office. Black for cocktails with friends. Hanky Pinky Fuscia when you are feeling romantic. And because they come complete with a hoodie, you and your friends can even wear them to the big game. Sounds to good to be true, right? Wait there is more! As a bonus, if you buy one now, the good old Snuggie Corporation will even throw in an extra Snuggie and matching footie socks so that you won't even have to worry about shoes!

I know what you're thinking. Sure they're stylish, but what if I have to go to the bathroom? No worries my friend. The Forever Lazy comes with a restroom friendly hatch. You can simply undo the hatch, drop off some kids at the pool, then zip up without ever leaving your comfy fleece jumper.

So, why wouldn't I want the latest craze sweeping the nation? Two reasons. First, I was never fond of Teletubbies, which, as far as I am concerned, is the look you are going for when sporting this ensemble. Pick your color, zip it up and pull up the hood and pretend you are Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa or Po. I would like to say in an effort to not lose all credibility that I did not know those names, I had to look them up.

Second, I haven't completely given up on myself as a human being. The Forever Lazy, or as I like to refer to it, The Hopeless Slackass is for those people that have just said, "F*%k it! I give up on clothes, dating, romance, work and dammit, I'm going to be comfortable."

So please, with my birthday and Christmas coming up, if you really love me, give me a gift certificate, a card or even a hug, but save the Forever Lazy for all of the slothful George Costanzas, the insanely thin Lindsey Lohans and Olsen twins and the fashionably challenged Courtney Loves and Bjorks of the world. Although I must admit a swan dress is better than a Teletubbies outfit.

I'm going to go cuddle under my Snuggie now.

Interested in a Forever Lazy or just want to see this fashion marvel for yourself? Well, of course I wouldn't leave you hanging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S2p7AiNX9g . Get your's today! Just don't buy one for me. Honest, I'm good;)