The Naughty List

I have recently seen funny pictures on the internet of dogs confessing their bad behavior. With Christmas being so close, I decide to give my own dogs and cats (past and present) a chance to make thinks right so that they can get off Santa's Naughty List and back on the Nice List.

Now they may look sweet and innocent, but they all have multiple offenses. So I now give you...The Naughty List:

NAUGHTY LIST #1:

NAME: ANAKIN
AGE: 2
BREED: HUSKY
ALIAS: MONKEY FACE, MONKEY, FACE, MONK
CRIMES: BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE, FIGHTING, THEFT OF PROPERTY

BREAKING AND ENTERING

Broke into the cat's house

DEFENSE: "Mom said I wouldn't fit. Clearly she was wrong."

ASSAULT 

Fighting with...

and trying to eat the kitty

THEFT: WELL KNOWN SOCK THIEF

(This is what happens to the other sock that goes missing from the dryer)

ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE

(MUST sneak up from behind and stick his nose up your butt when you are wearing only a robe.

Has also been known to get right up in your face and sneeze)

NAUGHTY LIST #2:

APOLLO

AGE: 10 
BREED: GREYHOUND
ALIAS: BIG DOG, ZOOG, ZOOGY
CRIMES: THEFT, RELEASE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, TRESPASSING

THEFT

(Stole pizza off counter piece by piece and let mom and her friend think each other did it)

CHEMICAL WARFARE

(Secretly farts and then leaves the room leaving everyone else gasping for air)

TRESPASSING

(Broke into the bull pasture at the old house and chased them until they had enough and chased him)

NAUGHTY LIST #3

NAME: NEMO
AGE: 10
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
CRIMES: DRUG ABUSE AND DRUG PUSHING, MISUSE OF PROPERTY

DRUG ABUSE/ DEALING

(Snorting fire ants and trying to get doggy brother and sisters to do it too)

MISUSE OF PROPERTY

(Likes to pretend the front yard is  a spa and takes mud baths regularly)

NAUGHTY LIST #4

NAME: AXEL FOLEY

AGE: 2

BREED: LONG-HAIRED CHIHUAHUA

CRIMES: TRESPASSING, KNOWN PERVERT, ASSAULT

 TRESPASSING

(Hang out on the dining room table when Mom isn't home)

PERVERT

(Likes to hump Anakin's face...

and his Santa toy until he has an asthma attack)

(Also likes to touch, lay on, and stick his head down the shirt of women)

ASSAULT

(Likes to bonsai off the steps onto Anakin's head and fight)

NAUGHTY LIST #5

NAME: KUNIK JEFFREY

AGE: 9

BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)

ALIAS: SNEAKER DOG, NEAKERS, JEFF

CRIMES: THEFT, MURDER

THEFT

(Anakin's sock thief partner)

MURDER

(Killed Santa)

 NAUGHTY LIST #6: 

MINOR OFFENDERS

NAME: P.O.W KITTY (PIECE OF WORK)
AGE: 4
BREED- UNKNOWN
ALIAS: BURGER 
CRIME: FRAUD AND THEFT - 
EATS TINSEL AND GARLAND OFF CHRISTMAS TREE AND THEN POOPS IT OUT.

FRAUD

(Pretends to admire daisies, but really eats them)

 P.O.W. was also accused of fighting with Anakin, but that was later ruled as self-defense.

NAUGHTY LIST #7

(MINOR OFFENDER)

NAME: SAWYER

AGE: ALMOST 2

BREED: UNKNOWN

ALIAS: SOYS, BABY KITTY

CRIMES: ATTEMPTED ASSAULT, TRESPASSING

ATTEMPTED ASSAULT

(Tried to walk across the water while Mom was taking a bath)

...thankfully Anakin jumped in to save him... Mom was not happy with us.

TRESPASSING

(Trespassed on dining room table with Axel)

Sawyer is also the prime suspect in the destruction of Christmas ornaments and is believed to be the Kingpin of a hair tie theft ring.

NAUGHTY LIST #8:

NAME: COLBY JACKSON

AGE: 10

ALIAS: COLBS

CRIME: MIND-NUMBINGLY STUPID. SERIOUSLY...NOT SURE WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS SMARTER.

We also are looking for any leads on an unsolved crime: 

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have been good enough to make Santa's Nice List, but bad enough to just miss being on the Naughty List ;)

Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey

Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-1&keywords=shay+stone

For those suffering from chronic pain

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-2&keywords=shay+stone