Sunday, January 13, 2013

Anakin's 2 Days of Being Dognapped or as I Call It His "Spa Days"

Last weekend, some dognappers got more than they bargained for when they stole Anakin (a.k.a. Monkey Face) out of my yard.

It all started last Friday. I had gone out for a few hours. When I returned home, my two American Eskimos came flying up to the gate to greet me as always did. Anakin was nowhere to be found. Now that is not all that unusual. If Anakin is awake, he is right there with the other two, but if he is napping, well, it goes more like this:

Eyes open. What the hell are they barking at? I'm trying to take a nap here!
Is it a killer? No, it does not appear to be a killer.  It appears to be Mom.
Big yawn, followed by some licking of his chops that suggests he ate something foul.
Does she want me to get up? I think she wants me to get up. I don't want to get up. But wait she might have cookies. Damn it! I better get up. Obligatory tail wag and fake enthusiasm.

Anakin stuck in the cat house after chasing the cat.
(Luckily the cat got out)
This day was different. I went through the gate and followed his lead line. Now I don't normally believe in lead lines, but after trying everything to keep him from escaping my 2 1/4 acres and almost watching him get hit three times, I had to settle on a lead line to keep him safe (even though the little s%*t can still get out of his harness! I should have named him Houdini!) 

Anyway, the lead line was unclipped and Anakin was gone. Because it was unhooked, coupled with the fact that Anakin doesn't have opposable thumbs, I knew he had been taken. I started the mad hunt for him, putting up posters, contacting local vets and shelters, and in true me fashion, pulled up next to a cop that was in a hidden spot trying to bust people speeding. At first, he was not too happy about his cover being blown, but after I told him what happened and asked him to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious like the guys from 101 Dalmatians, he agreed.

Side note: Everyone speeding that day, you're welcome. 

I have to be honest I did not think I would ever see my boy again. Turns out, I underestimated my little Jedi. While I may never know what really happened, I think it went something like this:

Dognappers (after throwing food at my other dogs):"Oh, come here you poor thing. Did that mean lady tie you up?" (Anakin tries to kill them- he doesn't like people he doesn't know coming into our yard.) "Whoa! Hold on buddy we aren't going to hurt you. Here are some cookies." They then undo him from the lead line while he is distracted and take him.

Anakin: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Listen I appreciate the cookies and I dig the car ride, but you are NOT my mom.)

Dognappers: "Here this is your new home."

Anakin: "What? What are you talking about? What's going on? Where are my brothers? Where's mom? Wait... what's that? Hold on... is that... Yes! Yes, it is! CAT!!!!!!"

Dognappers: "No!"

Anakin: "No, really I got this... they squeak, let me show you. I just have to catch it. There it is!" (Hurdles the couch, knocks over the Christmas tree, several plants, stops for a minute to pee on them. The chase resumes, leading out the door, through the screen, and into the rain. One of the dognappers heads off the cat, who jumps up and claws the crap out of him followed by Anakin leaping after it. He knocks the dognappers over causing them to fall into a pile of mud as the cat runs away.

Anakin (covered in mud, tongue hanging out panting): "Did we get it?!? I'm hungry. I'm going to take my muddy butt inside and take a nap on your cream carpet while you fix me something to eat."

Two nights later, I looked out my gate and there he was standing there. His harness and lead line were removed and he was super white and fluffy and smelled like shampoo. Apparently, they had given him a bath. I don't know if they let him out to go to the bathroom and he ran back home or if they waited until late at night and dropped him off at my gate. All I know is my little Monkey Face is home safe. And he got a bath that I didn't have to pay for! WOO-HOO!

Anakin "Monkey Face" Happy to be home.
***Valentine's Day is coming up! Don't forget my book, Why Am I Still Single? is available on and Barnes& for all the single people out there.  ***

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Granny Get Your Gun

You know one of the the things I love most in the world is a feisty Granny.

The other day I was watching the news, something I normally avoid doing at all costs, but it came on after a show I was watching and I was too busy to change the channel because, once again, I was explaining to Anakin (my husky) the difference between the cat and his chew toy which he has found if you bite down on just right, will both make the same squeaky noise.

Anyway, the reporter is interviewing this Granny who, of course, knowing she was going to be on the news, is in her typical Grandma snap down the front robe complete with matching pink slippers. The interview went something like this:

Reporter: "So when did you notice something?'

Granny: "When I looked out the window and saw him standing there. I said, ' What da hell you doin'? ' "

(This is my favorite part)

Granny continues:  "He said, 'I'm washing your window. I said, 'Witha brick?!?' So I shot him. I don't know if I hit'em but he was walkin' away from the house moving real slow, so I shot him again. Then he was movin' even slower. Damn fool. I don't know where he went but wherever it was it was slow."

You go Granny!

Hope ya'all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!!