Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I Have An Important Announcement...

After much deliberation I, Shay Stone, am announcing my candidacy for President.

Yup, that's right, I'm throwing my hat into the race. (Well I don't actually have a hat on so you will just have to settle for a hair flip).  Several things led me to this decision; the state of the economy, the healthcare and medicare issues, the amount my cool factor would increase when I showed up everywhere with my personal entourage of Secret Servicemen all of whom would bear a remarkable resemblance to Channing Tatum. I would also really enjoy the ability to cut in front of everyone when I have to pee Yes, all of things contributed to my decision, but one has driven me more than anything else. My Facebook wall.

I am sick and tired of all the nonsensical political propaganda, glittering generalities, and smear campaigns that are over running my Facebook page.

Seriously, WTH does this even mean?!?

It has got to stop. It is preventing me from finding out important information like who is sleeping with whom, which of my other food items are made with pink slime and who got booted off Project Runway. So in the interest of getting all the political crap off of my Facebook page, I have decided to enter the Presidential Race.

Now unlike previous politicians, I am not going to blow smoke up your ass because 1) I don't smoke and 2) I don't know where your ass has been. I am going to come right out and tell you my plan.

1.) Bring all of the troops home to their families. No more wars for political reasons. If we do go to war it will be to help people that are being terrorized (look up Uganda's Night Walkers). There is no political benefit for us to go there which is why I believe we aren't. We'll fight for a commodity like oil, but not for human lives. So, I would just send some Navy Seals there to open a big ol' can of whoop ass on some Rebels and then bring them home;

2.) I would take all of the money we were spending on the war and pay schooling for anyone that is willing to go into fields that would focus on finding alternative fuel and energy sources. On that note, I would also standardize classes so that all college courses rated the same and were transferable. Meaning if you took English Course 330 in one university it would be English Course 330 in every other college/university and you wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars because your credits didn't transfer. Also, to receive a Bachelor's Degree, you would also only be required to take the classes that were 100% necessary for your degree. None of that, "You need to take core classes to become a more well-rounded person." If I want to be more well-rounded, I'll eat more;

3.) I would change the salaries and freeze the assets of all Congress for 1 year. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same for anyone that is running for Congress and President. Let's see how bad they really want to be in office. I would then make them go and apply for minimum wage jobs. If they got hired, then they would have to survive on $7.25 an hour before taxes just like most of America is doing. Hell, I'd even let them get $9.00 an hour. Let them see what it's like to try to find some place to live, afford a car, food, health insurance AND support a family. THEN I will believe them when they say they understand what the American people are going through. Until then, every American will have the right to bitch slap any politician that utters the word, "I am The American People. I know their struggles and concerns." Having to fly Business class because your private jet is on the fritz does not make you one of us;

4.) Jon Stewart would be my VP and Stephen Colbert would be my Press Secretary;

5.) I would call my supporters The Stoners;

6.) There would be mandatory drug testing for Welfare recipients. If you can buy drugs you can buy a bus ticket and get your ass to work. Hopefully you will also use some of that money to buy a belt to hold up your damn pants. There would also be a random drop in twice a year. If you are driving an Escalade and receiving Welfare, your ass is going to jail. Then, you won't even need to buy that belt;

7.) While we are on the subject, I would make it illegal to wear low, beltless pants with your stanky ass underwear hanging out, skirts and shorts that are tight and short enough that we are able tell if you shave or go au naturale and clothing that gives you ass cleavage. If you are caught wearing any of these items you are sentenced to wear a Forever Lazy(TM) for one year. Trying looking cool when you are dressed like a Teletubbie;

8.) I would have a strict review of all Government spending projects and do away with ones that give $250,000 to see if monkeys like ketchup or some other made up crap projects that hemorrhage money. I would take that money and healthcare would be free. I would probably even have enough money left over to buy the monkeys some bananas so they had something to put their ketchup on;

9.) Anyone that was caught saying or was stupid enough to protest or post crap on Facebook or any other social media outlet that shames or condemns someone else's race, religion or life choices is subject to having their entire computer history, phone texts, pictures, medical records and diary/journal posted on the Jumbotron in Time Square. You will also be followed around the clock with cameras so that everyone can see how truly perfect and noncontroversial your boring, judgmental life is. We reserve the right to point and laugh;

10.) I would ban dog racing. I have nothing funny to say about this. Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about how horrible the animals are treated and one of my life's missions is to get it stopped. So this is where I will be instituting my own political agenda. (R.I.P. Apollo Big Dog);

11.) If you are a convicted murder, sex offender,  or guilty of any other violent crime, then grab your parka folks because you just bought yourself a one way ticket to Antarctica. Yup, that's right enjoy the frigid  -128.60F  temperatures as you try to survive in this barren, frozen tundra where the only people you can harm are yourself or other criminals like you. To all you male sex offenders, I suggest you watch where you whip that thing out at because it may freeze and break right off. Let's see how much you enjoy getting off when you have icicles coming out of you penis!

12.) It has been proven time and time again that far to many stupid people are reproducing. Because of this I would make everyone take a mandatory parenting test that would have seemingly simple questions like: 

If it it is 100 degrees out is it OK to leave your child in the hot car while you go into work or shopping?

If your child is in a restaurant (assuming it is an adult restaurant and not Chuck E. Cheese) and is running around tables and screaming at the top of her lungs like a maniac should you stay in the restaurant and ignore her or should you give her a warning and then if she doesn't listen, pack up your out of control child, food and leave? 

If you only have $10 and your child needs diapers but you also need beer which one do you buy? (Come on guys. THINK! You can figure out the right answer to this one.)

Anyone male or female failing these tests is shackled with a chastity belt and given a parenting manual and will then be given a second attempt to pass the test. If they fail again, then they will be neutered. I'm sorry, but it is the only way I can think of to stop the planet from being overrun with idiots. If someone has a better idea, I am open to suggestions;  

13.) I would adopt New Zealand's immigration policy. If you want to come into our country, you must have no prior criminal record, have a least, let's say $50,000 US in the bank, and you must be able to contribute to and better our society (i.e. you must be a doctor, teacher, artist, author, philanthropist, etc.). If you can't add to our country you are going to detract from it. That's right bitches, I'm closing the doors to the freeloaders. 

So please, no more posts about how we still haven't seen Obama's birth certificate. (We have and even if we hadn't, he has almost completed one full term as President. Let it go.) I also don't care if you think Romney looks Like Herman Munster and Paul Ryan looks like Eddie Munster. If you are basing your political choice on either of these things, then you are a moron and your parents should have been neutered!

Unfortunately, I know my chances for the presidency are slim. I am not crooked and sadly, from what I understand that is a requirement in order to reach that position in office. As a matter of fact, I should probably enter Witness Protection just for writing this. At least now people will stop posting crap about Romney and Obama on my wall. Instead, they will post made up crap about me and attack my character on other people's walls. Just make sure I look hot in the ads.

I am Shay Stone and I approve this message.