See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.
(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)
Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)
Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);
Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.
Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.
Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"
Thought #6: Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)
Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"
Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!
Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?
Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?
Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)
Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?
(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...
Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone
Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);
Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.
Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.
Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"
Thought #6: Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)
Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"
Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!
Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?
Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)
Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?
Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)
Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?
Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?
(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...
Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone
That was some of the funniest sex stuff I have ever read. ANd I hope none of it sticks in some far recess of my brain to be randomly remembered at a most inopportune time. Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteDo these black socks make me look fat...oh shit.
LOL, I hope I didn't hinder YOUR experience either.haha Just remember to take off the black socks and I think you'll be alright:)
Delete3, 8, 15!!!! LOVE!!!! Hey, I didn't know you had a book...Happy Birthday to me (last week, but the celebration when it comes to buying new books goes on and on!)
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!!!! I am a firm believer in birth WEEK and my friend believes in birth MONTH so if your birthday was last week you are well within you birth MONTH and entitled to many presents and treats. Oh, and according to her, and I don't know if this is true or not, but I choose to believe it, calories do not count during birth month either;)
DeleteJust realized that looked like I was just randomly plugginn my birthday, but it was supposed to indicate that I would buy your book as a present to myself! ;)
DeleteOMG! No, I didn't take it that way at all, but um, HELLO! It's your birthday! You should plug it! Here, I will plug it for you: Everyone should send Andrea presents!!!! Oh, and everyone feel free to send me presents too because this is my birth month! LOL I still hope you had a great day, and if you did buy my book I hope you enjoy it :)))))
DeleteI have never done #12, nor do I even really know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteThere's a dance?
Was it in the handbook? Wait, did I even get the handbook?
I think I must not have gotten the handbook, because I don't like sports, either.
I don't do the dance, and I don't like sports; I wonder what else I missed from the handbook.
You don't know #12? Really?!? I will see if I can find a clothed equivalent to post for you. If not, I may have to suck it up and make a clothed one. You have probably done it...you may not have known that you have done it, but you probably have. I don't know how guys aren't afraid they are going to sprain the dang thing!LOL
DeleteI don't know where you get the Handbook. We, as women, are not privy to the Handbook. If we were, that could mean the end of the world;)
Oh, no, I guarantee you that I have not done it. If it involves any kind of dancing, I have not done it. I'm like that Phil Collins song when it comes to dancing.
DeleteJust saying.
For those with kids)
ReplyDeleteThought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...
You forgot... "Did you just hear that? Was that the cat? Is someone in the bathroom?" Or (for morning sex) "You have exactly 7 minutes before the little one gets up... GO!"
Haha...nothing says romance like sex on a timer! I wonder if that's where the game 7 minutes in Heaven originated? LOL
DeleteLol,
ReplyDeleteI know the door locking thing. My wife hates it because she wants in....lol.
Hahaha! Barfly, you should try sex with a partner. It's a completely different experience ;) LOL
DeleteBeen married 17 years. Still think, "Yay boobies!", every time.
ReplyDeleteSee! I knew it! Do I know men, or do I know men. LOL
DeleteWhat about, 'Shit, I didnt shave my legs!'
ReplyDelete