Fifty Shades of Embarrassment

The holiday season is upon us! With Thanksgiving just a few days away, I can almost feel the nervous anxiety - did I say anxiety? I meant excitement - you have trying to get the shopping done, the house cleaned, the cooking prepped and of course, preparing for the family to come. Some members you can't wait to see. Others, you've probably had to make an extra run to the liquor store just to make sure you'll get through the day.

Let's face it. We love our families, but sometimes these get-togethers can be trying. Your mom may criticize your cooking techniques because they differ from hers; your uncle may get drunk, and relay stories from your youth that you'd rather forget, or if your sister is anything like mine, she may ask you about the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy in front of your mother.

Oh yeah, she went there. Hang on... it gets worse.

To say my mother is a kind of a prude would be like saying the pope is kind of Catholic. She takes the word "prude" to a whole other level. If Mother Theresa was still alive and met my mother, I am certain she would spend five minutes with her and say, "Woman, you need to lighten up." To this day, I'm not convinced I wasn't left on the doorstep by a stork or the product of Immaculate Conception.

Growing up, we were taught sex was bad and dirty, and sure as hell wasn't something women should enjoy. My puritanical upbringing is part of why I include sex in my books, but that's another blog. So imagine my surprise when my older sister, also quite vanilla, brought up Fifty Shades of Grey.

Yep, I almost fell out of the damn chair.

Allow me to set the scene for you. I'm writing it in first person present to give you the full effect. We've just finished dessert. The men are parked in front of the television watching the game in a turkey coma (thank God!). My mom is sitting next to me still picking at her pumpkin pie, and my sister is across from me when she utters these fateful words, "Have you read the Fifty Shades of Grey books?"

My head snaps up and I glare at her having an intense nonverbal conversation. "Really? Mom's not invisible, right? You can see she is sitting right here." My sister appears completely oblivious to my silent chasting. I feel the weight of their eyes on me, waiting for my response. "No. I started it, but couldn't really get into it. Christian Grey was a bit too controlling and stalkerish for me."

"So you don't know anything about it?" my sister presses for some reason.

"I know some stuff. I mean, I've got the gist of what it's about."

"What's Fifty Shades?" my mom joins in beaming with curiosity. I stare at my coffee wishing I'd opted to add some Bailey's or Kahlua, or, given the situation, some 151.

"It's a book about sex," I say flatly, hoping it will be the end of it. My mom shifts in her chair as I rack my brain searching for another subject to bring up. Any subject. But I can't focus because my sister has that look on her face. The one that tells me she is going to say something without thinking.

"It's really popular," she says. "He has a special room he calls a "Red Room" and he wants her to sign a contract."

"A contract?" Mom asks. "For what? To work for him?"

"No... for sex stuff."

My mom squinches her face in disgust. "Sex stuff? Why would she have to sign a contract for that?"

And here we go...

"Because it's not standard stuff. It's..." My sister titters awkwardly beginning to realize the subject matter she's brought up. She looks to me for help, but I have nothing to offer since I haven't read the book yet and know nothing about this contract or what's on it. And, to be honest, I'm enjoying watching her dig herself deeper into this hole. "..it's... I can't even tell you because I didn't know what half of it was. I had to google it. Some of it I still don't understand. I have no idea what a frogger is."

"Flogger," I correct before I can think better of it.

"Fogger?" my mom repeats.

"FL-ogger." They both sit forward in their chairs waiting for me to elaborate since it's clear I know what it is. So I do the only thing I can. I explain what a flogger is and why someone would use one. They're both glaring at me like, well like I just told them what a flogger was.

Okay, technically this is a riding crop.

And that's when my sister says, "Do you know what fisting is?"

"Fisting? What's fisting?" my mom asks. Yes, my mother just asked me about fisting. I eye the knife on my plate debating whether I should stab myself or my sister with it. Everything in me tells me I should use it on my sister, but then I'll be left to clean up the bloody mess and when that's through, I'll still have to explain fisting to my mother, and presumably a jury of my peers. Just when I think this conversation can't get any worse, my mom turns to me and says, "Do you know what it is? Tell me."

While I plot my sister's painful death, I debate my options: 1) Explain fisting to my mother and sister; 2) Wait in horror, knowing my sister will pull it up on her phone and then we'll have to sit around her tiny screening watching an example of fisting like some perverted family you'd see on Jerry Springer.

I push out a breath. "Fisting is when a guy takes his entire hand and shoves it..." I explain it as clinically as possible. Like I'm giving a lecture or reading from a textbook.

My sister howls with embarrassed laughter. My mom crinkles her nose, pursing her lips. "That's disgusting. Why would anyone ever do something like that? And you know about this?"

I shrug. 

"I want to know how you know," my mom demands probably trying to figure out exactly how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys she's going to have to say to save my perverted soul.

"You know I grew up with and still have a lot of guy friends. They always treated me like one of the guys and didn't censor themselves."

"I can't believe you know about that kind of stuff." She shakes her head with disappointment. "And someone wrote about this in a book you read?"

"Not me. Her." I point to my sister eager to throw my mom's scrutiny elsewhere. My sister's eyes grow large enough to eclipse her entire face. 

"I... I didn't know what it was about when I started it," she stammers. "Someone told me to read it. I didn't know anything about floggers or fisting... or butt plugs."

My mom's face pinches, twisting toward the apparent sexual deviant in the room. "What's a butt plug?"

KILL. ME. NOW. 

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Don't forget to check out my steamy, angst-filled contemporary romance The Fame Series. These books make great Christmas gifts for the reader in your life.

Book One: The Rise to Fame

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Happy Thanksgiving!🦃

Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)

Today, as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me, the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha... boobs... and I get to touch them.

See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.

(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)

Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today."

Yes, men. I realize it may sound crazy, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony leftover birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)

Thought #2: Body disclosures

My God, I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);

Thought #3: I'm not digging that.

What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover, I just didn't like that.

Thought #4: Is he a freak?

Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.

Thought # 5: Chores

Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"

Thought #6: Insecurities 

Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)

Thought #7: Grooming

"Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"

Thought #8: Are we done yet?

Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!

Thought #9: Expressions

Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?

Thought #10: Timing
He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)

Thought #11: "Excuse me"

Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?

Thought #12: Entertainment

Why do all men do that dance? Ladies, you know the one (and men so do you). Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wingman" fly back and forth wildly.)

Thought #13: That's it?

So I guess we're done with foreplay?

Thought #14: Wardrobe
Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?

Thought #15: Kids (if you have them)

Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...

Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone

Men That Are Keeping You Single - Guy Type # 2 Mr. Kryptonite

You can't explain it. You don't know what it is, but there is just something there. Some visceral, chemical, unexplainable, magnetic attraction between you and this one particular guy. Every time you see him he makes your thing ping. He has a way of looking at you, smiling at you, saying your name, that immediately sends chills up and down your spine. You can feel the adrenaline pumping and your heart rate increase as the excitement and anticipation builds. The only thoughts you are able to formulate are naughty ones. All you can think about is ripping off his clothes and doing nasty (fun) things together.

There is only one problem - he is completely wrong for you and you know it. He has some deep personality flaw that lets you know for certain you could never actually date him. Maybe he has an addiction problem that he has no interest in trying to kick, or is an over the top Mama's boy. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he is a completely self-absorbed total flake or has a major commitment phobia. Maybe you clash on too many important issues. Whatever the reason, you know that if you were ever to enter into a relationship with him, it would be a total disaster.

But still, you can't deny that chemistry. Every time you see him your knees get weak and you are powerless to resist him. He is your kryptonite.

Why he is keeping you single -

The attraction between the two of you is so strong and the sex is so good that it can begin to cloud your judgment. He is like a drug you just can't get enough. The thought of his touch makes you quiver with excitement. The verbal and nonverbal foreplay makes you giddy, like a schoolgirl about to be touched for the first time. The temporary high and release of hormones and endorphins are so intoxicating that you find yourself questioning whether or not you could actually have a relationship with him. You start to think, who needs kids? Is a cocaine addiction really that bad? So he has a wife... is it really that big of a deal?

Yes, it is that big of a deal.

Although you may not see it right away, eventually when the steam dissipates, the sweat is wiped away,  the orgasms are over, and the smell of sex clears the air you'll discover you aren't left with much else. The issues you thought could be overlooked or hoped would work themselves out will soon be glaring at you as you sit across the dinner table from each other in dead silence or have a knockdown-dragout fight for the 20th time.

At first, you may "solve" the problems by not dealing with them. Whenever issues come up and a fight or deafening silence ensues, you end the fight or break the silence by having mind-blowing sex. You may even get to the point where it almost feels like foreplay. Or maybe you choose to avoid the touchy subjects altogether. What you don't do is deal with them because you know you can't.

I'll admit, when you have a primal connection like this, it is hard to just end it. You want that feeling. You fear you may not find it again. That is why it is important to be honest with yourself and explore the reason for the attraction. Do you like that he is so different from you? Is he the first guy that ever made you have an orgasm and you are afraid you won't be able to have one with someone else? Do you have commitment issues and like the safety of knowing that you would never get serious with him? Is he the first person that you have ever been able to be open with about your sexual needs and desires? Do you like that he takes control? Or maybe you like the excitement and power of knowing that he finds you so attractive and irresistible?

Whatever the reason, once you identify it, you may gain insight into yourself and discover why your other relationships haven't worked out. For instance, are you afraid that someone you could see having a future with or marrying would judge you for your fetishes or sexual appetite? Maybe you're scared they wouldn't think you were girlfriend or wife material? Perhaps you had an ex-boyfriend that was intimidated by your sexuality? Or had a parent that, under the guise of religion, made you feel like sexual urges and desires were something to be ashamed of and were bad.

Once you get to the root of your attraction, it can help you to be more open to a new relationship with someone that has similar ideals and doesn't come with too much baggage for you to entertain a commitment. You'll realize that your needs are important and how necessary it is to be open about them. By acknowledging your needs you will be able to better communicate them with your partner, allowing you to forge that connection and create sexual chemistry.

Just so we're clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking a lover. If you are single, and he is single, and you aren't ready for a relationship for some reason or another, then, by all means, take a lover. But the minute you decide you want a deeper commitment and are ready to date then you have to end it with Mr. Kryptonite. After all, if you don't get away from it, eventually kryptonite can weaken and destroy you.

Be sure to watch for my next blog post about another type of guy that is keeping you single. And don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Women now available on Kindle and for the iPad.

Things Women Wish Men Knew

Recently, actually I think it was yesterday, I read an article online about things men wish women knew. It contained things like "women need to stop making a big deal about and get over the fact that men leave the toilet seat up" and  if we ask a man to do something, then bitch that it isn't done the way we wanted it done, we should just do it ourselves and save men the hassle. Well, I decided since men always complain that they don't know what women are thinking, I'd try to clear some things up.

1). First, I'd like to address the toilet seat thing. Here is why it is a big deal that you leave it up. Have you ever fallen in? Probably not. That is because you stand up to pee. I guarantee if you got up in the middle of the night, all groggy, stumbled into the bathroom, went to sit down only to find yourself wedged into a porcelain ass trap, you're opinion would be different. Imagine yourself folded into a human sandwich as your butt hits ice cold toilet water that splashes all over you and your PJs, then have  to pull yourself out without peeing on yourself.

Let's face it, most guys drain the snake, give it a shake, and are off, hopefully remembering to flush before they go on their way. Most don't bother to notice the stray pee that has dripped and the curly hairs that have flown off and are now left for all to see. Major ick factor! It takes two seconds to put it back down. It takes 20 minutes to have to get out of the toilet, clean up, change your pajamas and then go pee and try to get back to sleep. Plus it pisses us off. And let's face it - you don't like us when we're pissed off.

2.)We get it. You don't want to hear about the Bachelorette or Project Runway, or any other show you think is cheesy women's crap. But if you can watch 1000 Ways to Die, Duck Dynasty, or 2 football games in a row with us being nice enough to suck it up and watch it with you (or at least not bitch about it), can't you do the same sometimes without rolling your eyes or making condescending remarks? We don't expect you to like the show, but we do like spending time with you and the fact that you are showing an interest in something we like. However, if you are just going to be an ass, then remain silent, go do something else and leave us alone to watch our guilty pleasure.

3.) And on that note, yeah, we expect you to remember our birthdays and anniversaries. Why? Because you should that's why. If you can deem things like Babe Ruth's batting average, the number of sacks Tom Brady took during his years as a Wolverine, and Kate Upton's body measurements important enough to commit to memory, then, yeah, we think you should remember the day the woman that has sex with you regularly and washes your dirty underwear was born and when you started dating/got married.

4.) "I'm not into cards or flowers or things like that. That's just not who I am." A lot of men use this as an excuse to not do things for their girlfriend/wife. If YOU aren't into cards and flowers and stuff, then that means she doesn't have to get that stuff for YOU. If your girl isn't into that stuff, fine, you're off the hook. BUT if she is into it, then once every couple months, pick up a damn card or bring her flowers. She is telling you that those are things that make her feel loved. In fact, you don't even have to buy her anything. Stick a note in her lunch that she can stumble upon that simply says, "I love you" or "You are so beautiful." Trust me, we eat that crap up!

5.) Yes, we do need all of those shoes.

6.) Housework -  One of the biggest things I hear women complain about is housework, and I swear it has accounted for many divorces. I have to be honest, it blows my mind that there are men out there that feel we should ask you to pick up your dishes or do chores. News Flash: No magic fairy comes in and  picks up your crap, washes it, and then puts it back where it belongs. And it sure as hell doesn't grow legs and walk itself there.

It is your house too. You're not a kid. We aren't your mother. You can see what needs to be done just as easily as we can. This isn't the 1950's. Men don't work all day while women stay at home and clean. Women work all day too. And surprise, surprise! We don't feel like cleaning at night or doing laundry on the weekends either, but we're grown-ups, so we do it. When you don't do your share or expect us to ask you to help, it makes us feel like you think we are beneath you. Whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it translates to us. And if we have to ask you to do it 12 times, that's not nagging. That's our way of saying you're being a lazy, inconsiderate jerk so get off your ass and help us. If you don't want us to treat you like a child or nag, then be a big grown-up and do your share.

7.) "But when I do something, she says I do it wrong." OK, first off, we're on to the whole do-a-bad-job-so-we-won't-ask-you-to-do-it-again thing. If you know your wife/girlfriend likes things done a certain way, ask her to show you and learn. You know what kind of beer your friends like. You know the proper steps you have to do to wax a car. If it's that important to her, then learn how she likes the damn towels folded. Or learn to read labels so you don't shrink her clothes. And if learning is too hard or she is insistent on washing her own clothes, then wash your's or throw in a load of towels or tell her if she does the laundry, you'll do the vacuuming. Let's face it, if she wasn't around you would have to do it all yourself. Just because you are together, doesn't mean you suddenly got a maid. And no, lifting your feet up while she vacuums is not considered helping.

8.) You do not babysit your kids when your wife/girlfriend is out. They are YOUR kids too. She needs time to herself to be alone or go out with the girls just like you need time with the guys. So don't ho and hum and act like you're doing this gianormous favor when you stay home with the kids. Your job did not stop after you made your sperm deposit.

9.) If we ask you if we look fat don't look, don't think, just say, "No" and for bonus points, tell us we're always beautiful. I understand how men think this can get annoying. Just try to understand that the women in magazines and on TV keep shrinking. They are also airbrushed to perfection and have personal trainers and chefs. In addition to those things, women's bodies are weird. We get bloated at certain times of the month and it can make us go up a size or two and feel self conscious. Be sensitive. Don't point to us lying on the couch and say, "Hey look! A beached whale." You may think you're funny, but we don't.

Understand that we are constantly being reminded that men are visual creatures. Let's face it, the women men normally look at are supermodels in bikinis or lingerie. You don't here a lot of men saying, "Wow, Adele is super sexy."  If we only hear you saying women that are a size 0 are hot and we are a size 8 or more, yeah, we're going to be worried that you aren't attracted to us and think we're fat.

Not to mention, women in general can be mean. Have you ever been at a pool and had one of your male friends point to some guy and say," OMG, he should not be wearing that bathing suit." Probably not. Women here it all the time. We are constantly being judged by women and men. So every so often, yeah, we get a little insecure. Tell us how sexy you think we are when we least expect it. I promise it will pay off. Women are more sexual when they are secure. So if you want to get some... give some (compliments that is). Also, if you do this for us, we promise not to comment on your receding hairline or refer to any body parts below the waist as "cute" or "little."

10.) "But I married you (or we're dating) so you should know I think you're beautiful." This is total and complete crap. If you work out, you want us to notice. If you get a new car, you want us to compliment you on it, even when you've had it for 5 years. If you can pay a compliment to your friend's deck building ability, prowess in fantasy drafts, or your best friend's wife's new haircut, you can throw us a little compliment every once in a while. If not, don't get mad if you find yourself alone because someone else said what you didn't think was important enough to say or you assumed we knew.

11.) If you are in a relationship with us, don't treat us like a dirty little secret. This especially applies to new relationships. We want someone that is proud to be with us and wants to let the world know we are his girlfriend. It's not like we want you to pull a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on Oprah's couch professing your undying love (besides, that didn't work out too well for Tom anyway), but we do want to be acknowledged.

Look, we all know those guys, whether they are in their 20's or 50's, that think it's not cool to say they are in a happy relationship out of fear that their friends will think they are whipped or because they still need attention from other women to have their ego stroked. If you feel like that, you are too immature to be in a relationship (and you may need new friends). We just want to know if you are that guy so we can move on. But if you like us, would it kill you to comment on a FB post or introduce us to your friends? There is a difference between keeping our relationship private and keeping us a secret. On that note, ladies, if he doesn't call, text you back, take you out in public, or introduce you to his friends or family after a few weeks, then he is either married or not interested. Don't chase. Just move on.

12.) We don't want or expect you to solve every problem we have. Men tend to be fixers. So if we come to you with a problem, you assume we want you to fix it. We don't. Sometimes we just need you to listen so that we can say our problem out loud and come up with our own solution. Other times, we just want you to agree that so-and-so was being a total bitch when she said we were too old to be wearing a certain dress. We want you to listen and be empathetic or sympathetic. It helps us bond and makes us feel like you genuinely care about what is going on in our life and what's important to us. It's not about solving problems. It's about connecting. Be happy that we respect and care enough about your opinion to share things with you. Offer a few words that let us know you are listening, then offer us a nice shoulder massage or foot rub, or to make us a cup of tea.

13.) I said it before, men our visual. Women are more emotional. Most men can see a boob and be ready to go. Most women need a little foreplay. This can be kissing, sitting on the couch holding hands, or giving us a sexy wink across the table at dinner. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a quickie. We're not asking for candlelight and a bed full of rose petals every time we have sex, but we would like something a little more romantic than having you pull down your pants and telling us to "hop on."

OK, so those are a few of the things women wish men knew. Before some of you get all snarky and start bashing everything, allow me to say, yes, I know some women are more sloppy than men; some women (this one included) love football and have no problem talking stats; and of course, some of you do housework without being asked, buy flowers and are model boyfriends/husbands. If you do all of these things, then guess what, this post doesn't apply to you.

But for those of you that this does apply to, remember to take the time to appreciate the person you are with and show them that they are important to you, whether it is with a card, cleaning the house, or an unsolicited squeeze from behind or kiss on the back of the head as you walk by. It's the little things that make a relationship. If you are going to be late, call. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Ask us how our day was and what dreams we have. These are the things that really matter. Actions speak louder than words. It's all about making someone feel loved, respected and appreciated. It is also the difference between having an extremely pissed off, resentful girlfriend/wife that secretly (or not so secretly) thinks you're a chauvinistic ass and will make your life miserable and having a happy, loving, confident partner that loves you and wants to have sex because she thinks you are wonderful and wants to show you.

I'm just sayin'.

Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)

Today as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha...boobs...and I get to touch them.

See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.

(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)

Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)

Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);

Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.

Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.

Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"

Thought #6:  Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)

Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"

Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!

Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?

Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)

Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?

Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)

Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?

Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?

(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...


Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone

Can Men and Women Really Be Friends?

My whole life I have had mostly male friends. Even when I was born, one of the first things I received was a welcome to the world card from my 1 year old new be-fri, Scott. I guess that is how the whole thing started.

When I was 4 years old, two boys moved into the house where my former best friend, Sherry had lived.  The day they moved in, I put on my prettiest dress, rode my red tricycle to their house, introduced myself and we proceeded to spend the day making mud pies.

Throughout the years, I continued to have more male than female friends and that still rings true to this day... or so I thought.

Recently, I saw something on one of those morning shows that you listen to only half paying attention while you are doing your hair and getting dressed before you head out the door. The subject was about whether or not men and women could really be friends.

Now, first let me say, When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. That statement is actually relevant, just bare with me. There is a scene in the movie where Meg Ryan (Sally) and Billy Crystal (Harry) have an argument about whether male/female friendships are possible. Sally insists that she has several male friends. Harry says she doesn't and tells her that men and women can never really be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. He tells her that even if she isn't attracted to the guy, it doesn't matter because, well the guy is still a guy and just wants to be friends with her so he can have sex with her someday. Sally is, of course, appalled.

I always watched this part thinking that the statement wasn't true. As I said before, I have lots of guy friends and am pretty certain that we are not having sex. And in the interest of truth in journalism (although I don't know that blogging counts as journalism) there has been a time or 2 when the envelope has been pushed (you know who you are and may I say, "How you doin'?")

Hey a girl has needs. Deal with it.

But, for arguments sake, and because 98% of my male/female friendships have been nonsexual, let's discuss this. Where was I? Oh, right! The stupid morning show.

So the person on this show says that while women can honestly become friends with and maintain a nonsexual relationship with a guy, men are only interested in becoming friends with women that they think they've got a shot at having sex with.

This is upsetting for several reasons. First, if it is true, it makes all that stuff I said to jealous ex-boyfriends total crap. Apparently my guy friends did all want to have sex with me. Second, it meant that a great deal of my male friends had pictured me naked, and frankly, if a large portion of men are going to be viewing my naked body, I would like it to be on the pages of Playboy...not that I would ever actually have the guts to pose for the smut mag, but still, it's the point. If I am going to be viewed naked, I want to be viewed in my natural state like the models. Meaning I want to be air brushed and have them photo shop the hell out of me. And of course, I would like to be paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for the pictures of my "body." That way I could afford to have my body nipped, tucked and sucked so that it might actually resemble the photo.

But I digress. So I want honest opinions and responses, especially from the male community. I love my guys. I have been friends with most of them for a minmum of 20 years. They are like brothers to me which besides making the whole thought of sex with them icky, it makes the whole picturing me naked thing all the more creepy. I believe they view me as a sister...and not in the Alabama "my sister is my wife" kind of way. Sorry all you Alabama folks out there, not trying to pick on you, but I gotta tell you, that crap doesn't fly in Detroit.

So come on men, and be honest. Do you have female friends and if so, are you friends with her because she is an all around great girl or because you hope one day, she'll look at you, realize she loves you and you'll live happily ever after...or at least that one night she'll get drunk enough and bang the hell out of you?

Thoughts?