Prince Charming - Guy #3 that is Keeping You Single

As little girls most of us grew up watching movies showcasing a women in some sort of predicament in which she needed to be rescued by her very own Prince Charming, at which time the happy couple, usually knowing each other for a full 15 minutes, would consequently ride off into the sunset creating the perfect happily ever after storybook ending.

Thanks, Disney.

This became the standard to which we measured all of our relationships. Somewhere in the recesses of our brain, it became ingrained that the steps to a successful relationship were as follows:

Step 1: Be lonely and miserable while somehow remaining cheery and optimistic.

Step 2: Sing a song to (or with) animals or inanimate objects as they help you clean or get dressed

Step 3: See Prince Charming and immediately know it is true love.

Step 4: Wait for him to save you from your miserable life

Step 5: Live happily ever after.

Easy-peasy. End of story.

OK, in retrospect maybe the whole bursting into song and singing to animals about our love lives should have been the first clue that Disney was full of crap. But we were kids. What the heck did we know? Then, as we got older, it seemed that many movies glorified the damsel in distress relationship scenario. Clearly, Hollywood knew something we didn’t. So all we had to do was happen upon this beautiful man and wait for him to come and rescue us from our humdrum lives, right?

Unfortunately, what Disney (and for years, Hollywood) failed to show us was what happened after the happy couple rode off into the sunset together. We weren’t privy to the fights Cinderella and Prince Charming had about him getting falling down drunk and hitting on every maiden at the ball each night or that Prince Philip was crazy jealous and demanded Snow White stop socializing with the Seven Dwarfs. We didn’t feel Ariel’s pain realizing that she didn’t really need her voice back because Prince Eric never listens to her anyway.

No instead we succumb to the fantasy that we would meet the love of our life and then everything would be perfect and easy. And while many women went on to realize that fairytales aren’t real, some of you are still holding out for that Prince Charming – the man that knows you perfectly without knowing you at all.

The hope of this imaginary perfection may lead to the dismissal of men that you meet but may not have that instant animalistic attraction. And if you do find someone and do feel that visceral connection, you may mistake that attraction for love at first sight. Often times, this causes a relationship built mainly on sex. The attraction is so strong that you tend to overlook other deal-breaking flaws. It is important to understand the difference between infatuation and love and never confuse the two. ( See the previous blog titled: Mr. Kryptonite). 

Another reason Prince Charming poses a threat to your romantic life is the tendency to see him as the key to your happiness. Sometimes, when we get so wrapped up in the idea of love that we fool ourselves into thinking the only way we can ever be happy and complete is to find the one. I'm going to let you in on a huge relationship secret that so many people don’t know: If you aren’t happy with yourself when you're alone, you won’t be happy with someone in a relationship. In order to achieve happiness, you have to reach a level of self-acceptance and happiness with the person you are. If not, you will continue to look to someone else to fulfill that empty place inside and be disappointed when they don’t come through. After all, if you don’t know what makes you happy, how can they?

Once you reach a place where you are happy with yourself, you will be a better partner and companion. But even then relationships take work which leads us to the biggest of the Prince Charming Pitfalls - disappointment. Prince Charming has no flaws. He always does the right thing and never behaves contrary to what you expect. He is a classy, charismatic, chivalrous gentleman that is great with kids, has an amazing job, gets along with your family, and has the same morals and ideals as you do. He is always understanding, never cross or grumpy, and exists to make you happy. Prince Charming is placed on a pedestal and becomes this impossible ideal to which every man is measured. If a guy fails to stack up, it seems the only option is to end the relationship because, if the man was the right guy, he would be automatically in sync with your wants and needs.

Real relationships are not so simple. People have conflicting opinions and different backgrounds. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is destined for failure. It is important to communicate your feelings and expectations from the beginning and give someone time to understand them. 

Listen, none of us come with a manual. The only way to learn is over time through trial and error. You have to give someone a chance. True that handsome guy on the bus may not embody everything you’ve ever imagined you’d end up with but have you ever stopped to think maybe you don’t possess all of the qualities his ideal woman does either. Maybe he thought he’d marry a bike riding, guitar wielding, 5’9” brunette covered in tattoos or a prim and proper southern bell that never uttered a curse word in her life. That doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love with a 5’4 red-head with a sailor’s mouth that has never ridden a bike in her life.

Fairytales are fine as long as you take them for what they are – unrealistic fantasies. Real people have flaws. Nobody is perfect. No one can read your mind. That doesn’t mean you should close the door on the possibility of a relationship just because upon meeting a man, he doesn’t know the inner workings of your soul. Don't let a good guy with morals, that strives to be a better person, and tries to make you happy get away while you hold out for an imaginary Prince Charming that only exists in your dreams. Real trumps imaginary every time.

**Don’t forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women available on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com

Ebook link

Hard cover link

Men That Are Keeping You Single - Guy Type # 2 Mr. Kryptonite

You can't explain it. You don't know what it is, but there is just something there. Some visceral, chemical, unexplainable, magnetic attraction between you and this one particular guy. Every time you see him he makes your thing ping. He has a way of looking at you, smiling at you, saying your name, that immediately sends chills up and down your spine. You can feel the adrenaline pumping and your heart rate increase as the excitement and anticipation builds. The only thoughts you are able to formulate are naughty ones. All you can think about is ripping off his clothes and doing nasty (fun) things together.

There is only one problem - he is completely wrong for you and you know it. He has some deep personality flaw that lets you know for certain you could never actually date him. Maybe he has an addiction problem that he has no interest in trying to kick, or is an over the top Mama's boy. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he is a completely self-absorbed total flake or has a major commitment phobia. Maybe you clash on too many important issues. Whatever the reason, you know that if you were ever to enter into a relationship with him, it would be a total disaster.

But still, you can't deny that chemistry. Every time you see him your knees get weak and you are powerless to resist him. He is your kryptonite.

Why he is keeping you single -

The attraction between the two of you is so strong and the sex is so good that it can begin to cloud your judgment. He is like a drug you just can't get enough. The thought of his touch makes you quiver with excitement. The verbal and nonverbal foreplay makes you giddy, like a schoolgirl about to be touched for the first time. The temporary high and release of hormones and endorphins are so intoxicating that you find yourself questioning whether or not you could actually have a relationship with him. You start to think, who needs kids? Is a cocaine addiction really that bad? So he has a wife... is it really that big of a deal?

Yes, it is that big of a deal.

Although you may not see it right away, eventually when the steam dissipates, the sweat is wiped away,  the orgasms are over, and the smell of sex clears the air you'll discover you aren't left with much else. The issues you thought could be overlooked or hoped would work themselves out will soon be glaring at you as you sit across the dinner table from each other in dead silence or have a knockdown-dragout fight for the 20th time.

At first, you may "solve" the problems by not dealing with them. Whenever issues come up and a fight or deafening silence ensues, you end the fight or break the silence by having mind-blowing sex. You may even get to the point where it almost feels like foreplay. Or maybe you choose to avoid the touchy subjects altogether. What you don't do is deal with them because you know you can't.

I'll admit, when you have a primal connection like this, it is hard to just end it. You want that feeling. You fear you may not find it again. That is why it is important to be honest with yourself and explore the reason for the attraction. Do you like that he is so different from you? Is he the first guy that ever made you have an orgasm and you are afraid you won't be able to have one with someone else? Do you have commitment issues and like the safety of knowing that you would never get serious with him? Is he the first person that you have ever been able to be open with about your sexual needs and desires? Do you like that he takes control? Or maybe you like the excitement and power of knowing that he finds you so attractive and irresistible?

Whatever the reason, once you identify it, you may gain insight into yourself and discover why your other relationships haven't worked out. For instance, are you afraid that someone you could see having a future with or marrying would judge you for your fetishes or sexual appetite? Maybe you're scared they wouldn't think you were girlfriend or wife material? Perhaps you had an ex-boyfriend that was intimidated by your sexuality? Or had a parent that, under the guise of religion, made you feel like sexual urges and desires were something to be ashamed of and were bad.

Once you get to the root of your attraction, it can help you to be more open to a new relationship with someone that has similar ideals and doesn't come with too much baggage for you to entertain a commitment. You'll realize that your needs are important and how necessary it is to be open about them. By acknowledging your needs you will be able to better communicate them with your partner, allowing you to forge that connection and create sexual chemistry.

Just so we're clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking a lover. If you are single, and he is single, and you aren't ready for a relationship for some reason or another, then, by all means, take a lover. But the minute you decide you want a deeper commitment and are ready to date then you have to end it with Mr. Kryptonite. After all, if you don't get away from it, eventually kryptonite can weaken and destroy you.

Be sure to watch for my next blog post about another type of guy that is keeping you single. And don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Women now available on Kindle and for the iPad.

Please Come So I Don't Feel Like A Big Loser!!!

That's right! A bookstore in Michigan is having a release party for me, (WOO-HOO!) So PLEASE if you are in the area of Berkley, Michigan on June 15th between 5-7pm, stop by.

Pain Pain Go Away will be available for purchase at the event but there will only be limited quantities of Why Am i Still Single so if you want that signed (how weird is that? I will be signing autographs.) you may want to purchase a copy in advance from Amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

Amazon Links:

Why Am I Still Single? 

Pain Pain Go Away

Barnes & Noble Links

Why Am I Still Single?

Pain Pain Go Away

After Wife

Why After Wife?

Well, I am recently divorced and therefore most of my blogs will consist of things done after I was a wife. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy and sentimental and talk about how my ex sucks or how I wish I had him back. Neither is true. Besides, it isn't my style.

However, I do find myself being in the odd, yet very common position of being newly single and having to decide what the hell I'm going to do with my life now. Yes, sorry to say the vision I had of white picket fences and 2.5 kids didn't quite pan out. Although to be honest, my vision was more like a contemporay house near the beach with a couple of dogs running around. Besides, who ever heard of .5 of a kid? Still I digress.

This is the second time my life has done a complete 180, which in theory, should now bring me back to where I originally started. When I was 20, I was in a car accident that left me barely able to read or look at a computer. Once on the Dean's list, I was forced to drop out of school and quit work. Suddenly, the intelligent, former Miss Teen All American Semi Finalist that had the world by the butt had been reduced to a life that consisted of surgeries and living on my parents' couch. But, like a good little girl, I overcame. I pulled myself out of the hole, found a new life, with new dreams, and eventually a new husband.

Um yeah, about that...

So, here I am. Only I'm not 20 years old, living with mom and dad (thank God for that), and able to run around with my single friends. No, my single friends are all married.

Now, I'm living in Georgia, being hit on by men that are either married (ewww), old enough to be my father (even more ewwwwwww), or are so young that I am not certain if they are trying to pick me up because they think I'm hot or because they want me to buy them beer.

That said, my blog will consist of a number of things ranging from the mobile vet that recently texted me after getting my phone number off the contact sheet I filled out when my dog got his shots - Seriously, you drive around in a mobilized operating room. Doesn't that just scream modern day Jack The Ripper? -to the furry, moldy, angry looking cheese I found behind the veggie drawer in the bottom of my refrigerator that I am certain is trying to recruit the other cheeses and plot a takeover.

It is my hopes that sometimes my blog will make you laugh. Sometimes it will make you think. But it will always make you realize, you are not alone and someone out there is going through the same craziness that you are...maybe even more so.