Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Move over Booty Pop-Another Million Dollar Idea I Gave Away

Normally I try to keep my blog pretty light. However, after what I saw the other night, I decided I simply had to amend my views and share my new found knowledge with the world. I feel it is unfair to keep it to myself.

I am of course talking about Aciphex.

Aciphex, pronounced "ass affects," is a product designed to relieve acid reflux and heartburn. As I was thumbing through my channels and came across this commercial, I paused for a moment certain I was watching some old Saturday Night Live skit. Surely the next thing I would see would be Tina Fey beaming about how it stopped her embarrassing anal leakage, Will Ferrell bragging about how it turned his saggy old man ass into buns of steel or Amy Poehler boasting about how just a few drops of Aciphex in her husband's morning coffee turned him from a complete boarish, tactless ass to a sweet, sensitive teddybear. But nope, this was a legitimate commercial and the name of the product was actually "Aciphex".

All I could think was how the hell did that get past research and development and ever reach the marketing department? It made me think of another unfortunately named product. I mean really, who could ever forget Nads? The informative commercial featured a woman with an Australian accent explaining how she developed the miracle product for her Wolfman-like, hairy daughters with ingredients she found right in her own kitchen. Okay, note to self: If you are invited over to this woman's house for dinner, DON'T ACCEPT. There is a pretty good chance there will be hair in your food.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, didn't someone say, "Excuse me? Furry lady with the Austrailian accent…I don't know if it means something different in Australia, but in the United States "Nads" is slang for men's balls. So unless you only want to sell to immature guys that buy them as a joke for friends, you may want to rethink the name. "

And don't get me wrong, the product had great success. But how much better could it have done if instead of Nads, it went with a more women friendly name like "Naturally Gone" or "Hair 2day…Gone 2moro"." I mean if you are a woman and you are standing in the isle of a drug store which box are you going to grab? I mean, really? It's like standing in the isle and deciding between a 1 day cure for a yeast infection or a 7 day cure.

And finally, this blog would not be complete if I did not mention the other great sensation sweeping the nation: Booty Pop. This is basically a pair of spandex pants with a stuffed booty sewn inside. This will make all the girls, and hell, I guess guys too-I won't discriminate, that are lacking in the derriere department able to fill out their jeans/dresses more aptly. Allow me to say, being teased since I was seven for having a "bubble butt" and still having ample "junk in da trunk" I cannot speak on this product with any authority. All I can say is first of all, kudos to anyone that has the guts not only to go to a store and actually buy this product (I saw it first in a Bed, Bath & Beyond circular), but to do so with a straight face. Second, explain this to me: Once you have walked around in this thing…we won't even get into how you will explain where your booty disappears to when you put on a swimsuit. Although if you do wear it with a bikini, which conjures images of the bottom of the nude colored shorts sticking out of the bathing suit & a soggy, saggy baby diaper-esque image to mind (can you say "SEXY?!?"), I have to believe it could serve as a flotation device, much like water wings or Pamela Anderson's breasts.

Now with that thought thoroughly engrained, let me get back to my original question. Your newfound booty has attracted your dream man. You have decided to take it to the "next level." Bow chicka bow bow. You take off your push up bra that gave you the cleavage of a Goddess, revealing your C's are actually A's, the Spanx that gave you that slim trim stomach, allowing your muffin top to sprawl out gasping for air and lastly, you take off…your butt. I mean at what point does the guy A) Not go "Yeah, this is just too much artillery to go through"; B) Have a valid lawsuit for false advertising; C) Acknowledge that , holy crap does THIS chick have some serious issues; and D) Say, "WTF? Did you just take off your ass?!?"

Like I said, I cannot speak on authority about these products. I mean, who knows? Maybe Booty Pop comes with an instruction guide on what to do when your lover shrieks in horror about the whole snap on-snap off ass/sex deal. You know, an instruction guide or the number of a good therapist.

Wait! I've got it. Here is another million dollar idea I'm about to give away. Maybe the makers of Booty Pop can come out with a male equivalent and call it "Penis Pop." That way when the woman gets undressed and takes off her spandex ass, the guy can slip off his padded package and instead of being embarassed or horrified they can call it even.

You know, as long as everyone's NADS are properly groomed;]