Tuesday, November 29, 2011

PLEASE, I need your help...

I am on the verge of doing something borderline illegal. Well, actually there is no borderline about it. I am seriously considering becoming a secret vigilante. Okay, I guess it's not so much of a secret if I just told you my plans. There is a growing epidemic that is sweeping across our country and someone has to do something about it. I believe I am up to this challenge.

The epidemic I am referring to is Pantsaroundyourkneesitis  [Pronunciation: pants-around-your-knees-itis]. Also known as PAYK, this illness usually targets boys in their teens as well as the occasional  I-refuse-to grow-up-because-I-still-believe-I-will-become-a-rap-star-someday men in their late 30s. Plumbers have also been known to be affected however, scientists are currently working to figure out if this is a milder case of PAYK or if it a separate disease altogether.

Often found loitering around malls, convenience stores and schools, although they tend to avoid actually going inside learning institutions, you may have encountered these individuals but were unaware of the tell tale signs of this illness. I have come up with a list of the most common symptoms:

  • Moseying which is a very slow walk that the teen must do to avoid having the pants slip from the knees to the ankles;
  • No belt or one that is extremely ill-fitting. This is part of what is believed to cause the pants to fall;
  • Oversized pants that for some unknown reason seem to be at least 5 sizes too large for the individual;
  • Large portions of underwear sticking out from where the pants should be worn;
  • Constant tugging/pulling up of the pants due to lack of belt;
  • Lack of any common sense.

Some people oppose the theory that this is a medical condition but I strongly disagree with them. After all, I cannot believe anyone in their right mind would actually choose to wear their pants this way without having some sort of brain altering disease or being forced to do so at gun point (and even that is a stretch).

So, here is where I need advice. I do not know whom to focus my vigilantism towards. Should I smack the hell out of the parents for allowing  their children to go out in public like this and subjecting us all to what I can only describe as questionably clean underwear? Maybe I should center my quest for justice towards the schools for not enforcing a strict "no showing your ass in public" code? Or am I being too hard on these boys? With the economy currently in the toilet, am I simply unaware of the great belt shortage that is facing our nation?

Please give me your thoughts on this because to be honest, right now all I want to do is sneak up behind these kids and give them an atomic wedgie that they will never forget!

Link below is for a new invention-WAIST SUSPENDERS! I am against them because they propetuate this God awful "trend."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Unknown Peer Pressure of Birds

In the steel trap that is my mind (Yeah right!), I often find fleeting thoughts rattling around in there. Okay, honestly, most of them aren't fleeting. In fact sometimes, my mind goes off on a tangeant and I have to be jarred back to reality by something like an angry horn and some profanities from the driver behind me as I sit still at a green light.

The bad news is, in an effort to reassure myself that I am not completely off my rocker, I often share these thoughts with my Facebook friends. For example, do people that shop at Walmart have mirrors? What the hell does martinizing mean? Does anyone really care where Waldo is? If my dogs are willing to eat cat poop and lick their genitals, why won't they eat my meatloaf?

Today's random thought came to me this morning while driving. A flock of birds were congregated on a telephone wire as they often do when one decided to fly at my car at warp speed narrowly missing my front tire. This made me come up with a theory. Do birds sit up on the wire & in their little birdie language chirp, "Okay, I am going to fly as fast as I can at a downward angle, just missing the grill of that car and land on that branch."

The the other bird, not wanting to be out done and hoping to look tough in front of his little bird friends is like, "Oh Yeah? Well, I am not only going to fly close to the car, I am going to fly under the car between the front and back tires while it is moving, then circle back and poop on the newly washed SUV behind it."

If he succeeds, he is revered as a hero and a legend among birds. If he fails, he is accused of giving into peer pressure and becomes a cautionary tale of roadkill that some lucky cat or vulture will stumble upon (Cannibals!)

I have a similar view for squirrels. Anyone else agree w/this theory?

Monday, November 21, 2011

All I DON'T Want for Christmas Is...

As Black Friday (also my birthday) approaches I would like to take a moment to implore my friends and family: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not buy me a Forever Lazy onesie by Snuggie.

A few years ago, the Snuggie launched an infomercial assault on the unsuspecting public. Soon everyone ditched their comfy but unwearable blankets and were clamouring for these super soft, cuddly, backwards robes. After all, what sane person would want to wear an old-fashioned forward robe when you could easily slip into a backward one?

Snuggies started showing up under Christmas trees everywhere. Don't know what to buy someone for Christmas or their birthday? Give them a Snuggie. Who wouldn't love a Snuggie? Even the name makes you feel all warn and cozy. Plus, to ensnare us even further into the Snuggie web, they enticed us with cool new colors, animal prints and of course, the creme de le creme of Snuggies, college sports team Snuggies.

Yes, the creators rode the Snuggie wave all the way to the bank.

But now what? If everyone already has a Snuggie, how will they sell more? Will the Snuggie suffer the same fate as Cabbage Patch Kids, the Hula Hoop, Teddy Ruxpin and other one hit retail wonders?

Fear not my fellow consumers. The Snuggie creators are way to innovative to let this trend that took us by storm just fade away. I give to you: The Forever Lazy.

Remember feety Pajamas? The ones that your mom use to dress you up in as a kid, then send you to bed to roast and sweat buckets for the entire night. They had rubber non-slip pads on the bottom that if you rubbed your feet really fast on the carpet, you could walk up to an unsuspecting friend or sibling and shock the hell out of them. Well, the Forever Lazy allows you to relive those days without the fun of the unsuspecting shock. They are feetless, fleece pajamas...I'm sorry, outfits...that keep you toasty. And unlike the Snuggie, they're totally wearable and there is one for every occasion. Work Blue for those days at the office. Black for cocktails with friends. Hanky Pinky Fuscia when you are feeling romantic. And because they come complete with a hoodie, you and your friends can even wear them to the big game. Sounds to good to be true, right? Wait there is more! As a bonus, if you buy one now, the good old Snuggie Corporation will even throw in an extra Snuggie and matching footie socks so that you won't even have to worry about shoes!

I know what you're thinking. Sure they're stylish, but what if I have to go to the bathroom? No worries my friend. The Forever Lazy comes with a restroom friendly hatch. You can simply undo the hatch, drop off some kids at the pool, then zip up without ever leaving your comfy fleece jumper.

So, why wouldn't I want the latest craze sweeping the nation? Two reasons. First, I was never fond of Teletubbies, which, as far as I am concerned, is the look you are going for when sporting this ensemble. Pick your color, zip it up and pull up the hood and pretend you are Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa or Po. I would like to say in an effort to not lose all credibility that I did not know those names, I had to look them up.

Second, I haven't completely given up on myself as a human being. The Forever Lazy, or as I like to refer to it, The Hopeless Slackass is for those people that have just said, "F*%k it! I give up on clothes, dating, romance, work and dammit, I'm going to be comfortable."

So please, with my birthday and Christmas coming up, if you really love me, give me a gift certificate, a card or even a hug, but save the Forever Lazy for all of the slothful George Costanzas, the insanely thin Lindsey Lohans and Olsen twins and the fashionably challenged Courtney Loves and Bjorks of the world. Although I must admit a swan dress is better than a Teletubbies outfit.

I'm going to go cuddle under my Snuggie now.

Interested in a Forever Lazy or just want to see this fashion marvel for yourself? Well, of course I wouldn't leave you hanging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S2p7AiNX9g . Get your's today! Just don't buy one for me. Honest, I'm good;)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Merry Christmas … the new F%#k You.

Can someone please tell me when Merry Christmas became swear words?

I am a Christmas freak, something I inherited from my father. When I was little we had so many twinkle lights on our house that the neighbors feared passing planes would mistake it for a runway. We even lived on Griswald Street, which for all of you non-Christmas freaks out there is the last name of the family in the Holy Grail of all Christmas movies, Christmas Vacation.

Growing up I always loved that special smell in the brisk air that happened only at Christmas time. People seemed to be more pleasant than they were at any other time of the year. Classic Christmas music played on the radio and in shops to help put everyone in the spirit. Beautiful trees with dancing lights and multi-colored bulbs, tinsel and garland decorated malls as far as the eye could see. Eager shoppers carrying armfuls of packages, hurried from store to store in search of the perfect gift or at least one that wouldn’t be returned. Family members that rarely see each other throughout the year came together for dinner, good times and a little too much eggnog. Everyone seemed a little happier, a little more courteous and friendlier in honor of the season.

So to those certain individuals that take it as a personal assault on their religion or beliefs when I wish them a Merry Christmas I have this to say: Stop being a bunch of oversensitive, big babies!

I am not teasing and pointing saying, “Nah-nah, my religion is better than your’s" or “Ha! You got a dradle! Check out my new X-box.” No, I am simply wishing you some of the feelings, good cheer and love that go along with this season and that I feel at this time of year.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. It must be hard when everywhere you turn you are bombarded with blinking lights, specials on television and lawn displays that include Santa riding a Harley. It is shoved down your throat.

To that I say, what’s stopping you from doing the same? When I was younger, I had never even heard of Hanukkah until I was in the 10th grade and found out my teacher was Jewish and didn’t celebrate Christmas. To me, that was a travesty. Not the fact that she didn’t celebrate Christmas, but that I hadn’t ever been exposed to different religions and customs.

Hanukkah, Buddhists and every other religious group can do the same thing as those that celebrate Christmas. Make holiday specials about your beliefs. Put giant minoras on your lawn and hang up banners. Don’t just rely on Adam Sandler to write all of the Hanukkah songs.

I would also like to state that I am not picking on the Jewish community. I simply don’t know what types of landmark days other religions celebrate. Why? Because, with maybe the exception of Cinco de Mayo (bring on the margaritas), I, like many, haven’t been exposed to those traditions.

So when I see you and say, “Merry Christmas, “I am not saying, “F@%k you and your religion!” So please, don’t respond like I am. Simply say, “Thanks and Happy Hanukkah” or “Yes and Happy [insert holiday here].” And if your special holiday happens during another time of year, feel free to celebrate, decorate or whatever else floats your boat.

Until then, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanza, Ramada, Flag Day and every other holiday.

                        Oh, and Merry Freakin’ Christmas!