Ummmmm...thanks? Worst gifts I have ever received...

OK, I should totally be working on the edits for my book, but I have about as much concentration as a puppy with ADD that just sucked down a butt load of pixie sticks right now (I like to create an image for my readers...you're welcome:), so I decided to blog instead. Especially because something popped into my head that I had all but forgotten...or maybe I tried to surpress.

Have you ever gotten a gift that makes you say (or at least think) WTH? I'm sure someone has given you a gift that wasn't really you. But have you ever received one that made you think, Oh my God! What kind of drugs were they smoking when they picked this out for me?

I have received three such gifts in my life. The first, and perhaps least offensive one was probably from my ex-husband's mother. One year she presented me with a Christmas present that she thought I would just love. It was a doll on a rocking horse and was about 10 inches tall. Given the fact that I wasn't 4 years old, the sentiment was lost on me. I would've normally assumed that it was some sort of sarcasm or jab directed at me, but she also got one for her 38 year old daughter and another 30 year old friend of ours. Maybe she thought we could start our own posse. Who knows?

The next one was given to me at one of my four 30th birthday parties. Thank God I didn't have a problem with turning 30 because if I did, four parties would have made me hurl myself in front of one of those big Disney parades and let myself be trampled by any one of the cuddley, furry, gama-ray exposed, freakishly large characters we have come to love. Anyway, at one of my "surprise" parties, my sister-in-law brought one of her friends along. The girl was sweet enought to bring a present for me to the party. Someone handed me the bag with tissue paper peaking out of it. I smiled and said, "You didn't have to do this," thinking it was going to be one of those safe staples that you give to a girl you don't know; a candle; lotion; a picture frame. But no, this chick went in a completely different direction. As I pulled it out of the bag, I was literally rendered speechless-something that if you know me at all, you know that is something I have never been in my life. She gave me... she gave me a rock.

Got to love the internet. Even though
I don't have it anymore, I typed in
"Rock with painted raccoon" and Voila!

That's right. A rock.

Apparently she was at some craft fair that day and came across this rock that had a little raccoon painted on it and she thought to herself What a perfect gift to commemorate a 30th birthday! I'll bet she doesn't have one of these. And you know what? She was right.

Yet this still wasn't the most bizarre present that I had ever gotten.

No, the strangest gift I ever received was from my first boyfriend's mother and aunt. I was very close to his family. They considered me a daughter. So for my birthday, they took me to a fancy restaurant and after we ordered, they presented me with a bag with tissue paper in it. In retrospect, that should have been my first clue! I pulled out 2 shirts that were identical except for the color. They could've been considered a little whore-ish, as they were both slightly see through, but I thought, hey, I can throw a tank top under it and make it work. Then I pulled out the final gift. A sweater. Only it wasn't just a sweater... it was a cow sweater. And I'm not talking one of those funny little kid shirts with cows in a pasture. No, I am talking full on black and white look like they shaved Bessy, sowed this thing together and gave it to me.

I gazed at it with a stupid smile on my face, not certain if it was some kind of joke or a strange cultural thing I wasn't getting (my boyfriend's family was Filipino and one time they gave me what looked like a green lifesaver on a chain that I later found out was a Filipino good luck charm). Apparently, it wasn't either, which was made obvious by the many pictures they were taking, ooohing and ahhing over the black and white wonder.

A very young, teenage me with  the infamous "gift."

Needless to say, I was not expecting a cow sweater and therefore didn't have a gauged reaction ready. So I did the only thing I could. I gushed over the cow sweater. They were so happy that I liked it that they wanted me to put it on right away. I declined saying that it would clash with the other black and white clothes I was wearing and they seemed to buy that.

A part of me still thought they were kidding and was waiting for them to let me in on it. But nope, it was a planned, thought out gift. For some reason, while shopping for my birthday, they saw this little bovine beauty and thought OMG! That is SO her!

Now tell me, why on Earth would anyone, especially another woman, think someone would want to dress up like a cow? You know, unless they considered that person competition and planned to have them hit on the head, ground up and turned into hamburger later?

To this day, I still have no idea why they bought me that sweater. Cows don't even want to dress up like cows. I broke up with my boyfriend a long, long time ago so it's not like I could even ask them. To be honest, I can't be certain that I didn't end the relationship in a pre-empted effort to squash any future cow clothing or periphenalia I may receive and to avoid having to wear the sweater, which mysteriously vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. (A moment of silence please)

I know what you're thinking. You still think the rock is a worse gift, right? I will give you two reasons why you are wrong. First, with the exception of Charlie Brown, I am probably the only other person that can utter the words, "I gotta rock."

Second , the good thing about receiving a rock as a present is that you can throw it at any one that tries to give you a cow sweater!

What is the worst (or strangest) gift you ever received that made you say, WTH?

All I DON'T Want for Christmas Is...

As Black Friday (also my birthday) approaches I would like to take a moment to implore my friends and family: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not buy me a Forever Lazy onesie by Snuggie.

A few years ago, the Snuggie launched an infomercial assault on the unsuspecting public. Soon everyone ditched their comfy but unwearable blankets and were clamouring for these super soft, cuddly, backwards robes. After all, what sane person would want to wear an old-fashioned forward robe when you could easily slip into a backward one?

Snuggies started showing up under Christmas trees everywhere. Don't know what to buy someone for Christmas or their birthday? Give them a Snuggie. Who wouldn't love a Snuggie? Even the name makes you feel all warn and cozy. Plus, to ensnare us even further into the Snuggie web, they enticed us with cool new colors, animal prints and of course, the creme de le creme of Snuggies, college sports team Snuggies.

Yes, the creators rode the Snuggie wave all the way to the bank.

But now what? If everyone already has a Snuggie, how will they sell more? Will the Snuggie suffer the same fate as Cabbage Patch Kids, the Hula Hoop, Teddy Ruxpin and other one hit retail wonders?

Fear not my fellow consumers. The Snuggie creators are way to innovative to let this trend that took us by storm just fade away. I give to you: The Forever Lazy.

Remember feety Pajamas? The ones that your mom use to dress you up in as a kid, then send you to bed to roast and sweat buckets for the entire night. They had rubber non-slip pads on the bottom that if you rubbed your feet really fast on the carpet, you could walk up to an unsuspecting friend or sibling and shock the hell out of them. Well, the Forever Lazy allows you to relive those days without the fun of the unsuspecting shock. They are feetless, fleece pajamas...I'm sorry, outfits...that keep you toasty. And unlike the Snuggie, they're totally wearable and there is one for every occasion. Work Blue for those days at the office. Black for cocktails with friends. Hanky Pinky Fuscia when you are feeling romantic. And because they come complete with a hoodie, you and your friends can even wear them to the big game. Sounds to good to be true, right? Wait there is more! As a bonus, if you buy one now, the good old Snuggie Corporation will even throw in an extra Snuggie and matching footie socks so that you won't even have to worry about shoes!

I know what you're thinking. Sure they're stylish, but what if I have to go to the bathroom? No worries my friend. The Forever Lazy comes with a restroom friendly hatch. You can simply undo the hatch, drop off some kids at the pool, then zip up without ever leaving your comfy fleece jumper.

So, why wouldn't I want the latest craze sweeping the nation? Two reasons. First, I was never fond of Teletubbies, which, as far as I am concerned, is the look you are going for when sporting this ensemble. Pick your color, zip it up and pull up the hood and pretend you are Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa or Po. I would like to say in an effort to not lose all credibility that I did not know those names, I had to look them up.

Second, I haven't completely given up on myself as a human being. The Forever Lazy, or as I like to refer to it, The Hopeless Slackass is for those people that have just said, "F*%k it! I give up on clothes, dating, romance, work and dammit, I'm going to be comfortable."

So please, with my birthday and Christmas coming up, if you really love me, give me a gift certificate, a card or even a hug, but save the Forever Lazy for all of the slothful George Costanzas, the insanely thin Lindsey Lohans and Olsen twins and the fashionably challenged Courtney Loves and Bjorks of the world. Although I must admit a swan dress is better than a Teletubbies outfit.

I'm going to go cuddle under my Snuggie now.

Interested in a Forever Lazy or just want to see this fashion marvel for yourself? Well, of course I wouldn't leave you hanging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S2p7AiNX9g . Get your's today! Just don't buy one for me. Honest, I'm good;)