Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Ummmmm...thanks? Worst gifts I have ever received...

OK, I should totally be working on the edits for my book, but I have about as much concentration as a puppy with ADD that just sucked down a butt load of pixie sticks right now (I like to create an image for my readers...you're welcome:), so I decided to blog instead. Especially because something popped into my head that I had all but forgotten...or maybe I tried to surpress.

Have you ever gotten a gift that makes you say (or at least think) WTH? I'm sure someone has given you a gift that wasn't really you. But have you ever received one that made you think, Oh my God! What kind of drugs were they smoking when they picked this out for me?

I have received three such gifts in my life. The first, and perhaps least offensive one was probably from my ex-husband's mother. One year she presented me with a Christmas present that she thought I would just love. It was a doll on a rocking horse and was about 10 inches tall. Given the fact that I wasn't 4 years old, the sentiment was lost on me. I would've normally assumed that it was some sort of sarcasm or jab directed at me, but she also got one for her 38 year old daughter and another 30 year old friend of ours. Maybe she thought we could start our own posse. Who knows?

The next one was given to me at one of my four 30th birthday parties. Thank God I didn't have a problem with turning 30 because if I did, four parties would have made me hurl myself in front of one of those big Disney parades and let myself be trampled by any one of the cuddley, furry, gama-ray exposed, freakishly large characters we have come to love. Anyway, at one of my "surprise" parties, my sister-in-law brought one of her friends along. The girl was sweet enought to bring a present for me to the party. Someone handed me the bag with tissue paper peaking out of it. I smiled and said, "You didn't have to do this," thinking it was going to be one of those safe staples that you give to a girl you don't know; a candle; lotion; a picture frame. But no, this chick went in a completely different direction. As I pulled it out of the bag, I was literally rendered speechless-something that if you know me at all, you know that is something I have never been in my life. She gave me... she gave me a rock.

Got to love the internet. Even though
I don't have it anymore, I typed in
"Rock with painted raccoon" and Voila!
That's right. A rock.

Apparently she was at some craft fair that day and came across this rock that had a little raccoon painted on it and she thought to herself What a perfect gift to commemorate a 30th birthday! I'll bet she doesn't have one of these. And you know what? She was right.

Yet this still wasn't the most bizarre present that I had ever gotten.

No, the strangest gift I ever received was from my first boyfriend's mother and aunt. I was very close to his family. They considered me a daughter. So for my birthday, they took me to a fancy restaurant and after we ordered, they presented me with a bag with tissue paper in it. In retrospect, that should have been my first clue! I pulled out 2 shirts that were identical except for the color. They could've been considered a little whore-ish, as they were both slightly see through, but I thought, hey, I can throw a tank top under it and make it work. Then I pulled out the final gift. A sweater. Only it wasn't just a sweater... it was a cow sweater. And I'm not talking one of those funny little kid shirts with cows in a pasture. No, I am talking full on black and white look like they shaved Bessy, sowed this thing together and gave it to me.

I gazed at it with a stupid smile on my face, not certain if it was some kind of joke or a strange cultural thing I wasn't getting (my boyfriend's family was Filipino and one time they gave me what looked like a green lifesaver on a chain that I later found out was a Filipino good luck charm). Apparently, it wasn't either, which was made obvious by the many pictures they were taking, ooohing and ahhing over the black and white wonder.

A very young, teenage me with  the infamous "gift."
Needless to say, I was not expecting a cow sweater and therefore didn't have a gauged reaction ready. So I did the only thing I could. I gushed over the cow sweater. They were so happy that I liked it that they wanted me to put it on right away. I declined saying that it would clash with the other black and white clothes I was wearing and they seemed to buy that.

A part of me still thought they were kidding and was waiting for them to let me in on it. But nope, it was a planned, thought out gift. For some reason, while shopping for my birthday, they saw this little bovine beauty and thought OMG! That is SO her!

Now tell me, why on Earth would anyone, especially another woman, think someone would want to dress up like a cow? You know, unless they considered that person competition and planned to have them hit on the head, ground up and turned into hamburger later?

To this day, I still have no idea why they bought me that sweater. Cows don't even want to dress up like cows. I broke up with my boyfriend a long, long time ago so it's not like I could even ask them. To be honest, I can't be certain that I didn't end the relationship in a pre-empted effort to squash any future cow clothing or periphenalia I may receive and to avoid having to wear the sweater, which mysteriously vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. (A moment of silence please)

I know what you're thinking. You still think the rock is a worse gift, right? I will give you two reasons why you are wrong. First, with the exception of Charlie Brown, I am probably the only other person that can utter the words, "I gotta rock."

Second , the good thing about receiving a rock as a present is that you can throw it at any one that tries to give you a cow sweater!

What is the worst (or strangest) gift you ever received that made you say, WTH?


  1. wow, I don't think I could come close to your rock and your cow sweater. Ughhhhh. I did get from an EX boyfriend a pair of kitty cat socks a 12 y.o. would wear and poop bags for my dog. "Gee, thanks."

  2. Wow, that's shitty;) Did your dog chase the cat socks? Too bad I don't still have the cow sweater. We could pair it with your cat socks and have a nice little animal motif going on. We're bringing sexy back!

  3. Shay, You Super Hot Blogging Diva, you (check my blog again), Eat More Chikin. Got it?

  4. WHOOT! WHOOT! I made the list!

    That was what was going through my head when I was writing it: Eat More Chikin! I guess deranged minds think alike!

  5. I am teeribly sorry about the sweater, but I would have loved the rock, had it been given to me. My mother doesn't give me rocks, instead she chooses to do me much psychological harm by giving me lingerie.

  6. My mother did that when I was younger. I remember being in 6th grade and my mom taking me shopping for bras and underwear. Not only did she question me on why I wanted my bras and underwear to match while in the middle of the store (Why does it have to match? Who is going to see it? Answer- me, DUH!) , but she also yelled across the lingerie area, "You are in the wrong section! The training bras are over here!" If I had the raccoon rock from above, I would have crawled under it!

  7. Call me crazy...I would love to have that racoon rock thing. I think that is cool as hell. I can't really think of any really unusual gifts I have ever received. When I was just a little baby boy, I thought it was a weird gift to get socks and underwear for Christmas...but now when I get them I am like, "Awesome!! Socks!!"

  8. HA! That makes me think of the scene in a Christmas story when Ralphie and Randy open the socks and look at each other like WTH? and throw them over their heads. LOL It's crazy because when we were kids, you got clothes of any kind and were like, "Man, clthes? Really? What was Santa thinking?' Today kids actually ask for them. They are like, "Look at my cool new Ambercrombie and Fitch socks and Hollester underwear!

  9. Many things come to mind, but nothing humorous at the moment. Just "off" or polite wrong gifts.

    Oh wait... there was one that a sibling and I couldn't figure out. We didn't know if it was meant to be a shawl or a tablecloth. - We *really* didn't. That's the year I started writing "Thanks for the great gift!" on my Thank You cards.

  10. Yeah, that's just smart. Then they can't be like, "Ummm, why are you wearing the tablecloth I gave you as a shawl?" or "Why are we eating on your shawl?" LOL

    1. YES EXACTLY! Lol! I wanted to use it in some way to show appreciation but can you imagine getting it wrong? We really had no idea which it was.