Friday, January 31, 2014

Epically Stupid Super Bowl Bet

Seahawks vs Broncos
(Go Broncos! for Kyle's sake)

It's that time of year again. The time we don our favorite jerseys, consume large amount of appetizers and alcohol, scream at the TV wondering why the quarterback can't see that he has a player completely wide open down field (I mean, dude, we can see him. He is right there with the camera focused on him. Are you freakin' blind?!?). And for some people, it is the time to make stupid bets.

Now, I am not talking about Floyd Mayweather's $10,000,000 (yep, that's MILL-ION) bet on the Bronco's. I mean come on, don't we all have a few million riding on the game? No, I would like to introduce you to a good ol' everyday Joe, named Kyle.

See Kyle, much like myself, grew up a 49ers fan. Except unlike me, Kyle completely lost his mind when Kaepernik choked and the 49ers failed to secure a Superbowl spot. Especially because the team that did clinch was his brother's favorite team, the Seahawks. Fed up with his brother's trash talk, Kyle went bat shit crazy and came up with a way to shut his brother's mouth for good.

Oh that's's on bitch.

Or at least that is what Kyle must have been thinking when he decided to bet the house. That's right...he bet the house.Apparently when Kyle's grandparents died they left he and his brother equal ownership in their house. So when they were deciding what Superbowl bet to make, Kyle decide to go big or go home...or not go home in this case.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Kyle lives in the house with his wife and 14 month old baby which, if the Broncos lose they will have to surrender ownership rights and move out of the house by March 1st. And surprise, surprise! -well at least Kyle was surprised by this, because apparently, Kyle is well, a dumb ass, his wife was not too happy about the bet.

Kyle said, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." He went on to say that his brother had notoriously picked bad teams since they were kids and was just an irresponsible person in general so he believes the bet is a lock. 

Really, Dude? You bet a house without even consulting your wife and you have the balls to call your brother irresponsible? Dumb ass!

And yes, I am well aware that if the Broncos win, Mrs. Kyle will most likely come running back, a ticker tape parade will be thrown, and Kyle will forever refer to himself as "The Man"... that is at least until he does some other stupid thing like use the baby as collateral for an ill-advised cock fight.

So this Sunday, after you have mowed through a plate of nachos or chicken wings, watched the game, and prepare to go home and nurse your football hangover, just remember at least you have a home to go to... Kyle may not.

Dumb ass!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Six Ways to Tell He Isn't Into You

Let's face it - we've all had a crush on some guy that we like or are dating but just can't seem to figured out where we stand with him. One minute you think OK, this guy is crazy about me. The next you feel like you have developed the bubonic plague or are wondering if he has been kidnapped and has no way of communicating with the outside world.

Well, I have created a short list of signs that will tell you when to throw in the towel when your man is running hot and cold.

He doesn't text or call you for days. 

He always has his phone on him. It is like an extension of his hand. He looks at it 20 times an hour, sleeps with it next to his pillow, yet he still hasn't responded to a text you sent 3 days ago. I don't care how busy someone is, if they like you they will find make the time to keep in touch with you even if it is just to tell you they are in meetings all day but want you to know they are thinking of you. There are 2 reasons for his lack of communication: He either got so excited that you texted him that he fainted or he just isn't into you.

He doesn't know or care about your birthday.

If a guy likes a girl, he is happy that she was born and wants to recognize it in some way, especially if you are just starting to date. He will look for a reason to show you he cares. So unless you are a gold digging bitch that told him you expect nothing but 4 star restaurants, getaways to exotic locations or diamonds from Tiffany’s, the fact that he doesn't acknowledge your existence on your special day means he doesn't consider you special to him. Or he is just so absorbed in his own world that he doesn't take time to realize other people do exist in which case, he is too selfish to be in a relationship anyway.

 He has a total double standard.

He seems to want you around when he has something upsetting him like an illness or death, but when you have something important going on he suddenly becomes Waldo. You can’t seem to find him anywhere.
Again, he only cares about himself and doesn't really care what is going on in your life. Stop making yourself so readily available and seeing his turning to you in his time of need as a sign he is into you. The reason he is running to you is because he knows you’re dependable. He is not. Save your energy for someone that understands how to give, not just take.

It’s all about the sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with you having a friend with benefits or a booty call guy. To me that is a lot safer than picking up some stranger off the street to have sex with while you are waiting to meet the right guy. The problem comes when you have feelings for this person so you drop everything – dates with prospective beaus, plans with girlfriends, etc, just to go spend time with this guy hoping that this will be the time he realizes his love for you.

Everything is done on his terms. 

He doesn't come to see you. He may expect you to go to a wedding or game with him, but won’t go out with your friends, visit you, or be bothered with any of your interests. Sex is also pretty much on his terms. He does the calling, and while he won't commit to you, he always seems to want to get busy whenever you have a date. That doesn't mean he wants means he wants to keep you under his uhhhhh, thumb, and doesn't want anyone else to have you. Until he finds someone he really wants to be with, he wants you around as his safety net.

He keeps you his little secret.

You haven’t met his friends. He doesn’t really take you out in public. He never comments on your Facebook page…I mean ever. His page is littered with females, but you’re not one of them. Take the hint. He is either embarrassed and doesn’t want people to know you are involved or he wants to keep his options open. That said, keep your options open. Look, I’m not saying the guy has to comment on every Facebook post you make. Some people are private people and that is perfectly fine. But if he isn't playing with you a little on social media, makes a stink if you comment or post on his page, or immediately responds making sure everyone knows your “just friends” plus treats you like you are in the Witness Protection Program it’s time to move on. When you are important to someone, they want to introduce you to the other important people in their lives to see what you think of them, what they think of you, and if you mesh well. If he isn’t bringing you around those people or acknowledging your existence in his life, there is a reason for it. Find someone that is proud to be with you and wants to tell the world you are his girl (and no I don’t mean that in the creepy he owns you sense).

He constantly flirts with other girls or keeps you away from them.

Whether it's in public or on Facebook, if he is constantly making comments about how hot other girls are or tries to direct you away from the gorgeous barista at the local coffee house then chances are, he isn't serious about you. Now, I'm not saying that he can't have friends of the opposite sex, but if he doesn't want you interacting with them, there is probably a reason and that reason is probably that he is dating (or wants to be) one of them.

The same goes for flirting. There is a difference between your guy telling a woman, " Oh, that dress looks nice on you" and "Wow you look hot! Damn girl! I know what I'm going to be dreaming about tonight." If your guy doesn't care if you see him outright flirting or if he doesn't have enough sense to know the difference between being respectful and disrespectful, then cut him loose. Chances are, even if you were ever to get serious, he would still cross the line of inappropriateness and then call you psycho for calling him on it.

Remember if a guy likes you he will make an effort to keep in contact with you, remember things that are important, look for ways to show you he cares, and try to find ways to integrate you into his life. If he is not doing these things and you are still catering to his every whim and dropping everything for him, he isn't going to see it as sweet and see you as potential girlfriend material. He is going to see you as a doormat.

***** ***Don't forget to follow me on here and on Facebook. And be sure to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? available on and Barnes and **************************

Monday, January 6, 2014

Will Social Media Lead to The End of Monogamy?

I'm a traditional girl. Stop laughing. I am. Sure, I am incredibly independent and can swear like a drunken sailor on leave but when it comes to relationships, I believe in a committed, monogamous relationship between two people.

Now, if you read my last blog (and you should because it's brilliantly entertaining), you will remember that I discussed how social media is killing dating. Well, it turns out, social media is a bit of a serial killer because it has launched an assault on monogamy as well. Before everyone gets all huffy and puffy and starts telling me how social media is the greatest thing that has happened to the world since sliced bread, let me say, to some degree, I am a big fan of social media. See, I live in, well, the Boondocks. The majority of my friends live out of state and the most exciting thing to do where I live besides the Annual Tallapoosa Possum Drop (see previous blog posts), is to go out to one of the local chain restaurants and eat yourself into a coma. So in an effort to stay in touch with my friends, and to keep myself from having to get "Wide Load" tattooed on my ass, I spend large amounts of time on social media sites. And while it is a great way to keep in touch with friends, it can be the catalyst leading to the demise of many relationships.

Allow me to paint a picture for you.

A couple is in love. They have made it past the honeymoon phase and are in a real, meaningful relationship. Like all couples, they occasionally fight. One night, they have a doozy of an argument. He storms out and she collapses crying in the bedroom. She gets on the phone with her friend and talks about what an ass her husband is; He calls up a buddy, goes to the bar, has a few beers and vents. While he is talking he notices a very attractive woman at the the end of the bar. She is pretty enough that he notices her, but he does not know her and doesn't make any effort to talk to her because he's "not that guy.". After venting for a while, he cools off and realizes maybe he said some things he shouldn't have. He pays for his beer and heads home. Across town, she is concluding the same thing. Her sister is in the middle of a nasty divorce and she realizes maybe she allowed some of the issues her sister is dealing with to creep into their argument. He comes through the door. Both have had a chance to get out of the moment, cool down, realize how much they love each other and are ready to have a calm discussion about what is bothering them.

We'll call that one "Before Social Media."

Now let's paint another picture.

A couple is in love...blah, blah, blah... they have a terrible fight. He storms out. She gets on Facebook and starts talking about what a complete asshole her husband is. People start to comment. She gets a private message from a male colleague. It starts off simply enough, "Are you OK?" She responds with an in-depth email about why her husband is the biggest jerk on the planet. Her phone rings. It's her sister. She ignores it and continues the conversation with her male colleague who is sympathetic and apologizes for the male race explaining that not all men are insensitive jerks.

Across town, he is at a local bar. He looks at his phone and reads another text. She is still arguing with him even though he has stopped responding. He ignores the text and clicks on to his Facebook. So I'm an asshole he thinks as he reads her Facebook status. He scrolls through and sees pictures of happier couples, joking and having fun with each other. An ex-girlfriend from high school sees him logged in and IMs him asking him the name of the restaurant they went to when they were kids that had the good cheesecake. They haven't really talked. It's been 20 years since they dated in high school and have only been friends through Facebook which means, they see each other's statuses and occasionally "Like" them. He wonders what she has been up to all of these years. He IMs her back and they start reminiscing. After a few minutes, she IMs her cell phone number and says  Call me.

We'll call this one "After Social Media."

See, to me, this is why social media is leading to the end of monogamy. Let's face it, every relationship has its ups and downs. That's natural. But social media creates two things that weren't there before: opportunity and fantasy.

Once upon a time, people had to go to great lengths to have an affair. First, they had to approach someone and hope not to be met with disgust. Then, if the other person was game, they had to try to catch them at work, leave a message, or call the house and ring once or however, people that have affairs communicate to let the other person know they are trying to get in touch with them. If a clandestine meeting was arranged, but something suddenly came up, there was little way to contact the other person. That usually left them sitting there at some restaurant or in some hotel alone, feeling abandoned and foolish.

Much more went into an affair and with no internet or individual cell phones, it was much easier to get caught. A person had to really evaluate their relationship to determine whether or not it was even worth it to have an affair, and in many instances, by the time it came to actual do the dirty deed, they had calmed down, made up with their spouse, and realized it probably would have been a huge mistake.

Today there are websites that you can go to if you are specifically looking to have an affair to connect with other people that are looking to do the same. Another affair convenience - the cell phone. Today, everyone has their own phone. Lovers can talk all day because texts and pictures can be deleted. If a meeting has to be canceled, a quick text can be sent immediately and the date can be rescheduled. Any time one lover has some free time, they can reach the other to see if they are available. No dodging the wife or hubby by calling and then hanging up the home phone. Simply shoot a text or IM.

Social media also provides what I like to call cyber courage.  Remember that old boyfriend from your early 20's or the head cheerleader you never had the guts to ask out in high school? Guess what! They are on Facebook. Just send them a harmless friend request to see what they have been up to. In fact, you don't even have to send them a request, just send messages back and forth. After all, what could it hurt? You are just going to catch up. It's no big deal. But then one day, you have a fight with your spouse. Or maybe it's more than a fight. Maybe it's a rough patch. And maybe you have a drink or two and decide to escape into Facebook. You see that boyfriend that always seemed to understand you or that gorgeous girl you always wished you dated.

You send an innocent message about how well they have aged or make a comment about their status. Next thing you know you are in an in-depth conversation. You find yourself thinking, why did I ever break up with him? Or you learn that the prom queen had always secretly hoped you would have asked her out. Next thing you know, you go from "liking" each other's post to talking every day and you eventually exchange numbers.


Don't get me wrong. I believe social media has its advantages. One of the greatest things about social media is that it puts you in contact with friends and loved ones that you may have lost touch with over the years. Through the magic of Facebook and Instagram you can take a harmless, voyeuristic peek into their seemingly perfect lives - the photos of vacations to exciting places, romantic kisses caught on camera, cute status updates... suddenly everyone has found their soul mate and everyone has movie love.

Oh, and the sex... my God...THE SEX IS INCREDIBLE...for everyone else. Well, maybe they aren't talking about it on Facebook, but you're no prude. You've visited the occasional porn site. And let me tell, they weren't doing this kind of stuff when you were in the game! Sure one of your buddies would talk about the occasional sleazy girl that he nailed that would let him do anything and everything to her, but you usually knew he was full of shit. Now, damn! Everyone is having better sex than you. You have seen it first hand. Everyone is having amazing, three and foursome, tied to the bed post, earth-shattering, multiple orgasmic sex but you.

Facebook, the internet, Instagram all create fantasies of perfect, non-compromising relationships. People don't air their dirty laundry, discuss their sexual failures and missteps, or talk about their fights (well, some do, but not for long because they usually end up broken up if they get to that stage). Instead, you get glimpses into the happy times and perfect moments, and you start to convince yourself that everyone is happy but you. Everyone is having better sex and more meaningful relationships than you. You start to doubt yourself and your relationship and again, this is where opportunity can appear because maybe someone else is feeling the same way. So you toss a line to see if anyone bites. If they aren't interested or get offended, you can always say they misunderstood or that you were only joking. If they do bite, maybe you can begin your own fantasy love story.

Now I am aware that people have to take responsibility for their own actions and if they cannot use social media responsibly, then they shouldn't use it at all. But there are those instances when even the most respectable people have lapses in judgment and someone can knowingly (or unknowingly) prey on that weak moment.

Good people caught in a weak moment can regrettably exchange true intimacy for the fantasy promised online. Fantasies are dangerous things. They have no flaws. Social media allows people to delude themselves into believing the fantasy is the reality.

Do you think social media will lead to the end of monogamy?

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