Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey
Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)

*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

For those suffering from chronic pain

Monday, November 12, 2012

HO-HO-HOLD Your Damn Horses...Uhhh...Reindeer!

OK people, we have to talk. Something is seriously bothering me.

Now I am what you call a Christmas junkie. Growing up, I would listen to new friends talk about how they and their families got into Christmas only to realize that compared to my me and my dad, they looked like Ebenezer Scrooge, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Atheists all rolled into one. First they would pull up to the outside of my house which my dad spent days decorating. Well, that isn't exactly true. At one time he spent days decorating it. Over the years he had adopted the Redneck Christmas light philosophy of "keeping the neighborhood merry all year" and left the majority stapled to the house and just put out the lawn figures before Christmas.

My dad was never much for a theme so the lawn consisted of a manger scene, minus one King that someone had stolen, several reindeer (which I'm certain were present at the birth of Baby Jesus), and of course, the 1974 Santa Clause complete with sleigh, because, well, isn't that how the story goes? Jesus was given Gold by one King, Frankincense and Myrrh by the other two, and Xbox Kinect By the fat guy in the red suit. 

Once you got inside the house, you were greeted with moving figurines ranging from Mickey Mouse and Pluto to the Little Drummer Boy (again, my dad's theme was there was no theme). Scary ass Nutcrackers that, for the record, never cracked a nut, lined one of two mantels, waiting to come to life and kill us in our sleep (I hated those things!) Across from that mantel was the fireplace mantel that housed a gold-painted nativity scene, with enough stockings hung below it to keep a sweatshop of Vietnamese children busy for a year. Next to the fireplace was the gianormous fake tree complete with spray on snow which stood majestic, with multi-colored lights and bulbs.

Each one of my friends, would gaze upon the display and the response would always be the same, "Holy shit! Did the North Pole throw up on your house?" I even lived on Griswald (which anyone that is a Christmas freak knows that is the last name of the Christmas crazed family in Christmas Vacation). And yes, my family's house made the paper more than once growing up.

So I think you can tell, I am a Christmas freak. I listen to Christmas Carols. I bake my ass off. (However, I then eat it right back on). I watch Christmas movies, the same ones, 50 times. BUT one thing I do not do, is start celebrating Christmas is freaking August! 

Each year, it seems like the Christmas season is starting earlier and earlier. Black Friday is now on Thursday. THURSDAY!!! That is the stupidest thing ever. It is not black Thursday. Learn to read people. It is black Friday! It's in the title! Stores are starting to put up Christmas stuff up in October...some are even doing it in September. Screw Football! Go to hell Halloween! You're getting gobbled up Turkey Day! We are passing over some of the best holidays... not to mention one of the most important MY BIRTHDAY!!! 

If we're not careful, it will be so long 4th of July! Sayonara Easter! Arrivederci Valentine's Day! And "Attention Black Friday shoppers, Happy New Year's Eve!" So please people, let's take the holidays back! It's the only time my family just shuts up and gets along... 

*** Hey guys, I have been told some of you aren't greeting my blog by email since I changed my URL. Please resign up. Everything should be good to go now ;) ***

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Video Post -

OK, so this is a little different from my regular posts. I decided to throw these on tonight because well, 1) I have already made them and 2) I don't want to watch anymore election crap. Tell me who won and lets get back to cleaning up the country!

Anyway, if you guys are bored I'd be interested in your thoughts. I am going to try to post some links below that I have posted on my FB author page. I still get nervous doing them. Let me know what you think. 3 are about relationships and 1 is about how to deal with Ocular Migraines- I'll let you figure out which ones are which. The break-up and migraine one are more serious, the other two will have some of my usual sarcasm infused;)

How To Get Through A Break-up:

Great Date to Total Flake:

Where To Meet Men:

Pain, Pain Ocular Migraine:

I'm off to support my favorite party...the cocktail party! I encourage you to do the same. Cheers!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)

Today as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha...boobs...and I get to touch them.

See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.

(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)

Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)

Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);

Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.

Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.

Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"

Thought #6:  Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)

Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"

Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!

Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?

Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)

Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?

Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)

Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?

Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?

(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...

Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com