Monday, November 12, 2012

HO-HO-HOLD Your Damn Horses...Uhhh...Reindeer!

OK people, we have to talk. Something is seriously bothering me.

Now I am what you call a Christmas junkie. Growing up, I would listen to new friends talk about how they and their families got into Christmas only to realize that compared to my me and my dad, they looked like Ebenezer Scrooge, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Atheists all rolled into one. First they would pull up to the outside of my house which my dad spent days decorating. Well, that isn't exactly true. At one time he spent days decorating it. Over the years he had adopted the Redneck Christmas light philosophy of "keeping the neighborhood merry all year" and left the majority stapled to the house and just put out the lawn figures before Christmas.

My dad was never much for a theme so the lawn consisted of a manger scene, minus one King that someone had stolen, several reindeer (which I'm certain were present at the birth of Baby Jesus), and of course, the 1974 Santa Clause complete with sleigh, because, well, isn't that how the story goes? Jesus was given Gold by one King, Frankincense and Myrrh by the other two, and Xbox Kinect By the fat guy in the red suit. 

Once you got inside the house, you were greeted with moving figurines ranging from Mickey Mouse and Pluto to the Little Drummer Boy (again, my dad's theme was there was no theme). Scary ass Nutcrackers that, for the record, never cracked a nut, lined one of two mantels, waiting to come to life and kill us in our sleep (I hated those things!) Across from that mantel was the fireplace mantel that housed a gold-painted nativity scene, with enough stockings hung below it to keep a sweatshop of Vietnamese children busy for a year. Next to the fireplace was the gianormous fake tree complete with spray on snow which stood majestic, with multi-colored lights and bulbs.

Each one of my friends, would gaze upon the display and the response would always be the same, "Holy shit! Did the North Pole throw up on your house?" I even lived on Griswald (which anyone that is a Christmas freak knows that is the last name of the Christmas crazed family in Christmas Vacation). And yes, my family's house made the paper more than once growing up.

So I think you can tell, I am a Christmas freak. I listen to Christmas Carols. I bake my ass off. (However, I then eat it right back on). I watch Christmas movies, the same ones, 50 times. BUT one thing I do not do, is start celebrating Christmas is freaking August! 

Each year, it seems like the Christmas season is starting earlier and earlier. Black Friday is now on Thursday. THURSDAY!!! That is the stupidest thing ever. It is not black Thursday. Learn to read people. It is black Friday! It's in the title! Stores are starting to put up Christmas stuff up in October...some are even doing it in September. Screw Football! Go to hell Halloween! You're getting gobbled up Turkey Day! We are passing over some of the best holidays... not to mention one of the most important MY BIRTHDAY!!! 

If we're not careful, it will be so long 4th of July! Sayonara Easter! Arrivederci Valentine's Day! And "Attention Black Friday shoppers, Happy New Year's Eve!" So please people, let's take the holidays back! It's the only time my family just shuts up and gets along... 

*** Hey guys, I have been told some of you aren't greeting my blog by email since I changed my URL. Please resign up. Everything should be good to go now ;) ***


  1. LOL that's funny! I think you lived in my hood! Did your dad dress up the wise men like volunteer fire fighters? After all, us rednecks were always learnt that they came from "a far"

    I know, I know, gotta be corny sometimes though.

    1. No, we missed that memo. LOL But I am sure he would've if given the idea...or at least bit a Miller Lite in their hands.

  2. What? You're not part of the year round Christmas movement? It goes along with the year round school movement where they are then on Christmas break all year.

    1. No, I miss the days of real holidays, Christmas vacations, etc. Now every day us a holiday: National Left hander's day! Hamburger Day! Doughnut Day! (Although I do support Doughnut day;)

  3. So after sifting through all this and reading between the lines...this all about your birthday? Well then, Happy Birthday!! Can't ever hear that too soon, am I right?

    Well played...

    1. EXACTLY!!!!! LOL Thank you, Chuck! Ironically, I usually spend my birthday putting up my Christmas tree.

  4. Hell ur sis got married at xmas time cuz of the house. It was pretty awesome. What makes me furious nowadays is how everything is open on holidays. I remember if u didnt get gas on Dec 23rd u were screwed till Dec 26th.

  5. My mother keeps a strict balance between white, red, and green decorations in the house. Anything wavering from that norm reserves itself a spot in the deepest, darkest recesses of our basement.

    And I'm also quite sick of hearing Christmas carols the day after Halloween. It barely gives me time to take off my Abraham Lincoln costume I drunkenly slept in overnight. Who wants to listen to Christmas carols when you're still donned in Halloween attire?

  6. Those insane retailers! Hopefully you've added Elf to your new Christmas movie classic collection.

  7. I understand the need for some places to be open year round... hospitals, police, fire because honestly, who would be there to rescue us when we send the house up in flames because SOMEONE forgot to put the turkey fryer outside... AHEM... anyway... but everything else should be closed.

    It's a day for family. No one cares if there is no gravy or if the mashed potatoes have no butter.

    And if someone really wants to shop, they can do it online. Okay, end of rant.

    1. OOOO, Juli, I want to hear the turkey fryer story!

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