Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey

Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-1&keywords=shay+stone

For those suffering from chronic pain

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-2&keywords=shay+stone