Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Here I Come To Save The Day!

As many of you may have heard, there is a little movie coming out this week called The Dark Night Rises. This is one in a series of superhero movies that is being or has been released this year.

Here are a few others and their "kryptonite."

Spiderman - aka Peter Parker.
Superpower-Can shoot webs and swing all around town catching bad guys.
Added Bonus- Can climb up walls so you don't have to worry about dusting fans or light fixtures.
Monetary Status-Poor. Crime fighting doesn't pay well and he has a hard time keeping his day job after chasing bad guys all night.
Dating Drawback-Spiderwebs in you hair and um...maybe other places. Plus, he probably won't kill a spider for you. After all, it may be family.
Kryptonite- A can of Raid or a really big tissue.

Batman - aka Bruce Wayne
Superpower- He has really cool toys he uses to catch bad guys.
Added Bonus-Has a kickass car and his own theme music.
Monetary status- If he had a dollar for every dollar he had he'd have another couple billion dollars.
Dating Drawback- Unreliable. Maybe called away to chase Jokers and Penguins on a moments notice; No quickies-that suit has to be a bitch to get off. Also, his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, seems like a bit of an overly medicated, depressing wanker.
Kryptonite: Ozzy Ozbourne

Iron Man- aka Tony Stark
Superpower-Brilliant. He can make anything he needs to beat the bad guys and has the money to do it.
Added Bonus: He is a witty  good-hearted, philanthropist. The fact that  Robert Downey Jr.plays him seriously ups his YUMMY factor.
Monetary Status-Bill Gates has been heard saying, "God that guy's rich!"
Dating Drawback-He is a self proclaimed playboy; also, you had better make sure your car insurance is paid up because he is bound to scratch up your car with his iron hands and feet.
Kryptonite: A hose, heavy rain or a good thunderstorm.

Wonder Woman- aka Diana Prince
Superpower- Super speed and strength.
Added bonus- The girl knows how to accessorize. She has bulletproof bracelets and a lasso of truth. Traffic jam? No worries. She has an invisible jet.
Monetary status- She is a princess and runs a large corporation. So shorty got a car, shorty got a job, shorty can pay her own rent.
Dating Drawback- OK, she's not exactly a "shorty." Being an Amazon Princess makes her one big bitch that could squash a smaller man. Her vibrator is the size of a thermos; Also, you can't lie to her-she has a lasso of truth.
Kryptonite- "Where the hell did I put my bracelets?!?" If her bracelets break, she will be thrust into an uncontrollable rage; other weakness- a penis. Yup, that's right. When all is said and done, she is still a woman. If a man binds her hands, she is completely powerless. So for all you freaky-deaks out there, bondage is off the table. However, given the way that she spins like an Olympic ice skater to turn from Diana to Wonder Woman, I think most men would forgo the bondage for a little sit and spin.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.