Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.

Me vs The Red Box

I have recently developed a love/hate relationship with the Red Box located at most Wal-Marts and 7-Elevens. When I was visiting a friend in Florida and he first introduced me to this awesome machine I thought, well, this rocks!

See, I am what most people would call a "movie freak." I am also what most people would call "poor" and "forgetful." This means I love movies, but I can't justify going to a theater and paying nine gazillion dollars for a ticket, plus popcorn, because you have to have popcorn, add a drink which brings the total up to approximately thirty gazillion dollars for what usually turns out to be a mediocre movie and two hours of my life I'll never get back.

They take credit right?

NetFlix is fine if you have time on your hands. Unfortunately, right now, I do not. If I do find myself with 2 free hours to kill and I choose not to sleep or save the world, how can I possibly predict what type of movie I'm going to want to watch at that particular moment in time? Will I be in the mood for a comedy, something suspenseful, or will I just want to stare mindlessly at the television while Johnny Depp or George Clooney grace my screen with their presence? Frankly, I'm not psychic and I don't appreciate the kind of pressure NetFlix inflicts.

I need the ability to pick up a movie when I want it and not for the crazy $5 a movie price tag Blockbuster charges. No $5 for five nights doesn't sound too bad, especially if you are renting it for more than one person. But as much as I would like to pretend that I am spending my evenings surrounded by friends, stimulating men, or even nice arm candy, the truth is, it's usually just for me. And being quite familiar with myself, I know that if you give me a movie for five days it becomes a non-priority and five days turns into fifteen. Soon I'm paying $15 for Failure to Launch when I could have bought the dang thing for $7 and to be honest, it just wasn't that good.

Enter: The Red Box. This wondrous machine fits my lifestyle to a "T." It is convenienly located, has the latest releases and only charges $1 per night. That's right. You heard..uh..read me: ONE DOLLAR. The clouds disappear. The sun shines. The angels sing.

...until I go to return the dang thing.

The instructions describe how to place the dvd into the jacket and insert the jacket into the Red Box. The dvd is then returned leaving you free to rent another movie or go along on your merry way. Sounds simple right?

Well, apparently, I am too stupid to do this. After watching a movie I was really glad I had only paid a dollar to see, I made my way up to the Red Box, pressed the "Return Movie" button, put the clear plastic jacket complete with the dvd into the machine and was about to go on my merry way when something went wrong. The machine spit the movie back out at me. WTH? I tried it again, but once again, it was rejected. I looked around trying to see if there was anyone that could help me. There wasn't. I pulled the silver disk from the container, made sure the bar code was facing the right way and that the disk was in the jacket correctly, then inserted it into the machine once again. And once again, it spit it back out at me.

"Is it broken?" I asked the man now standing behind me with his arms folded waiting to rent a movie. As soon as the words left my mouth, a little, blond-haired girl approximately six years of age, ignoring the line, skipped up to the machine, pressed the button, returned her dvd, smiled at me, then skipped over to her family and they continued on their merry way.

Little sh--, I couldn't help but think.

I took the dvd out once more, cleaned it, put it back in it's jacket and then finally...I let the man behind me rent his movie because the stupid machine still wouldn't accept mine! After he made his selection, I stepped up to the beast, gave it the evil eye, pushed the button and fed the red monster the movie as I cursed at it and called it's mother an unfortunate name or two.

Victory! This time it accepted the dvd placed in it's clear plastic jacketed home in the same exact manor I had placed it the other twelve times.

"That's what I thought," I said cockily as I walked away from the machine knowing I had won this battle. However, there was no skipping and I wasn't merry.

Will I use the Red Box again? Definitely. But I have resounded myself to the fact that it will cost me $2 when I want to watch a movie. One for the rental fee and one to pay the little sh..uh..girl to return the dang thing for me.