Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.


  1. Send them back a picture of a turd tin a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

    "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

    Funny stuff my Cyanide Girl :)

    Oh wait, I'm heading to the gym need to post it on FB, just for you :)

    1. As long as you post naked pictures of yourself on FB after you go ;) LOL

  2. I feel so much better...

    1) knowing I am not alone in my annoyance and

    2) I am now armed with some fantastic responses!!!!!


    1. I am happy to help, Andrea. I feel if people are given permission to correct the behavior they will be more likely to do something about it ;)

  3. I really hate those people who park in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store. Every freaking time people do this! Or if they don't park in the middle, they'll find that one spot along the side that's parallel to another cart or something on the other side so you have to try and squeak between them. And why do people have to talk on their phones constantly while they shop? What, you can't decide what soup to buy all on your own? I mean I know it's such a difficult decision, but come on, before cell phones were everywhere people managed to do it.

    1. PT TOTALLY agree. People cannot wipe their own asses anymore without calling or texting three people. It drives me nuts. I miss the days that when you were out of the house, people couldn't get a hold of you until you got home. You could actually pay attention and focus on what you were doing and who you were with. OH! That's another one that pisses me off: the people that have to talk or text while they are at dinner with you or in a car with you. Acceptable behavior- throw their phone out the window and run over it. Unacceptable behavior: Shoving their phone up their ass and saying, "Can you hear me now?"

  4. Wait, why can't we tape people to their chairs so that they have to pay attention? That seems very reasonable to me.

    1. It's a whole kidnapping holding someone against their will thing. People tend to get pissy and the next thing you know you are in a cell with a guy named Bubba that is making you do things against YOUR will.

    2. Hmm... but you're advocating battery in another response, so I didn't think taping someone down would be that big a deal. How long do you have to hold someone for it to be kidnapping?

    3. Well, I have a friend that got arrested for wrongful imprisonment when he and his girlfriend got in a fight and he had her car keys in his pocket. They said she couldn't leave so it was considered wrongful imprisonment, so I don't think you have to hold them for too long. Hey, does that mean if i take a drunk person's keys away from them I could go to jail because that would suck!

  5. Replies
    1. Thanks:) New author photos for my next book. Strike a pose!

  6. SO the tourists are in town for our huge 3rd of July celebration. It's great for businesses around town when they come in for a few days and leave. When it falls mid week, they come for a whole week and clear out every shelve in my grocery store, create the worst of traffic and parking problems, and just give humanity a bad name.

    Would casually hi checking them into tonight's bonfires on the beach be the unacceptable or acceptable response?

    (As an aside I have posted this question twice on the internet. If someone actually does die via the fire tonight, I am so screwed.)

    1. You can absolutely hip check them into a bonfire. As long as you provide the other people at the bonfire with marshmallows so they can toast them as the fire grows.

      Don't worry about the internet, I'll be you alibi. Besides no one ever believes anything written on the internet;) Happy 4th!

  7. I absolutely love this! It's the best thing I've read all week! Annoying people are everywhere! I love the one about ramming the part, and the 10 extra points for a kid on the end just makes it even better.

  8. Thank you! When I write, I write from my heart which is filled with sarcasm and a low tolerance for bullshit. Welcome to my blog:) If you like this one, you may want to check out my Nominees for Dumb Ass of The Year post (I think it is somewhere between December and February.)

    Happy 4th!!!

  9. You say what we're all thinking, you really do.

    The people that post pictures of their food are absolutely ridiculous. And they're assholes. I almost forgot that. How dare they not invite me out to eat with them!

  10. Haha That is the whole point of my blog. I try to point out what other people think but won't or don't say. i figure if I'm thinking it there is a pretty good chance someone else is too ;)

    As far as going out to eat not inviting us, screw'em. Apparently they don't want to have a good time or they would invite us. We'll go out. Maybe we will even find them and through food at them from across the room!

  11. I love this post. I wish people would just stop making "that guy." That guy doesn't need to exist! Stop making him! I see him everywhere. The guy not able to see where he's going because he's taxting. The guy who doesn't thank you for holding the door open. The guy who hangs out from of the gas station convenience store.

    It must be the heat because lately I just can't stand some people. They have no regard for anyone else. Bah, I'll stop my rant. Great post, though!

    1. Hey Chiz! I totally agree with you. "That guy"'s parents should have been neutered. Whenever they don't thank me for holding the door I always say, "YOU'RE WELCOME" really loud so that they (and other people) know they are being an asshole.

      As far as the texting thing goes. Yesterday I was walking with my nieces and nephew into a grocery store. A car had stopped so we could walk in front of them. I quicken my step out of courtesy. My niece was slowing down because she was texting. I grabbed her phone and said, "NO, no, you will not be that person that is texting and not paying attention while someone else is being courteous to you. You will NOT be one of those people i want to smack upside the head for being an idiot." She laughed and I gave her back her phone, but I definitely made my point.

      Shay Stone- saving the world from one idiot at a time. LOL

  12. I agree with all of them!!! The Walmart aisle bitches are there, every. Sunday. And when they move on...Annoying Person #7 rears its ugly head...they are obliviously pushing the cart with the loudest squeaking wheel and they are following YOU!!!

    1. Yes!!! It is like a cheesy, scary spoof movie. They are lurkers. They try to beat you to an item certain you are getting a better deal than they are. Thankfully much like Kryptonite is to Superman, WD40 is to the lurker and her squeaky wheel ;)

  13. Love these, especially the food and vacation and shopping cart ones!

    Every time I go to a store with a cart, I have to breathe deeply when I see a cart up ahead that I know will not be moved to clear a path. I have to really put in effort to not jam their cart or to move it in a harsh manner. Though, maybe that would get the message across better to the person.