Excuse Me While I Lick This Toad

Every so often my mind tends to wander. Who am I kidding? Since I took off the restraints it made a downright sprint towards insanity. But for the point of this post, let's pretend it just casually wanders pondering the great questions of the world:

Did Christopher Columbus really discover America? If not, why did he get all of the credit?

Was the Big Bang loud?

What if Al Capone had a better accountant?

Can I wear black and yellow without looking like a bumblebee?

Who licked the first toad?

Drugs have always baffled me for several reasons that I won't get into. However one thing has always twisted my brain into a tiny little knot more than the rest:  Who licked the first toad?

Think about it. For every drug that is on the market, there has to be someone that was the first to try it. Now while I haven't done it, there are certain things that seem more natural than others. For example, pill popping seems like it would be the most obvious. From the time we are born, we start putting things in our mouths (*Note: Please hold all of your sexual comments and innuendos until the end you big bunch of pervs!). Anyway, we're born and our fists go in there. Then we move on to food, toys, etc. So while the concept of a pill and how to make it causes us to scratch our heads, the act of taking one seems almost second nature.

Cheech & Chong
No copyright infringement intended

The next most obvious choice would be to smoke something. Opium is arguably the first drug ever discovered. Some dude in a robe with no hair, but an incredibly long, twisted beard was sucking on a pipe of opium long before Cheech and Chong ever sparked their first doobie. And you can kind of see an opium field (or even a marijuana field) catching fire, everyone getting this kick ass buzz and being like, "Dude, we SO have to do this again."

Hence the Blazing of the Doobie begins.

Now it gets a little crazy. Needles. When some sadistic bastard said, "Hey, you see this sharp pointy thing? Well I filled this tube it's connected to with a bunch of crazy ass shit and I want to stick it in you to see what happens," I want to know what crazy ass person said, "Oh man, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And when the first person shot up, did they immediately use heroine or morphine or did they start with something simpler like milk or bleach?

"Let's check our test subjects. OK, the guy we injected with milk is still alive, but nothing seems to have happened. Where's the guy with the bleach...OH! WHOA! It looks like he actually tore his skin off his body before his head burst into flames. However look how pearly white his teeth are!"

Then there are the snorters. Based on my own research I can only assume this starts somewhere in childhood because when I was in 3rd grade I watched as Jeff Redmen crushed up a bunch of sweet tarts and snorted them up his nose. I don't know if that is still the way he enjoys them, but I know I still prefer to chew mine.

Which brings me to toads. Years ago, I was speaking with someone whom I would describe as a drug connoisseur, meaning he was an on-again off-again addict. Junkies are great. OK, that sounded bad. What I mean is, junkies seem to be mystified by anyone that has not taken drugs. They immediately launch into a list of every drug they have ever taken or heard about along with some whacked out story of something that happened when they did.

"Oh man, I was hyped up on some Ecstasy and Coke and I drove my car into a cow pasture, took off all my clothes made a slip and slide out of cow patties, shot myself up with some milk and then woke up next to a very satisfied looking goat."

So this guy was the first to ever tell me about toad licking. Apparently if you lick a certain kind of toad, you get this psychedelic effect that is "really bitchin'." At first I thought he was yanking my chain, but over the years I have heard a few people mention it. When they do, I always ask the same question: Who licked the first toad?

More importantly, I want to meet the person that convinced the other person to lick the first toad because that my friend, is someone that could sell water to a drowning man. Was it a bunch or drunken Rednecks that made someone do it on a dare? Maybe some naive teenage girls that took the you-have-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-a-prince a little too far?

And more importantly, how many licks did it take to get to the center?

The world may never know.