Excuse Me While I Lick This Toad

Every so often my mind tends to wander. Who am I kidding? Since I took off the restraints it made a downright sprint towards insanity. But for the point of this post, let's pretend it just casually wanders pondering the great questions of the world:

Did Christopher Columbus really discover America? If not, why did he get all of the credit?

Was the Big Bang loud?

What if Al Capone had a better accountant?

Can I wear black and yellow without looking like a bumblebee?

Who licked the first toad?

Drugs have always baffled me for several reasons that I won't get into. However one thing has always twisted my brain into a tiny little knot more than the rest:  Who licked the first toad?

Think about it. For every drug that is on the market, there has to be someone that was the first to try it. Now while I haven't done it, there are certain things that seem more natural than others. For example, pill popping seems like it would be the most obvious. From the time we are born, we start putting things in our mouths (*Note: Please hold all of your sexual comments and innuendos until the end you big bunch of pervs!). Anyway, we're born and our fists go in there. Then we move on to food, toys, etc. So while the concept of a pill and how to make it causes us to scratch our heads, the act of taking one seems almost second nature.

Cheech & Chong
No copyright infringement intended

The next most obvious choice would be to smoke something. Opium is arguably the first drug ever discovered. Some dude in a robe with no hair, but an incredibly long, twisted beard was sucking on a pipe of opium long before Cheech and Chong ever sparked their first doobie. And you can kind of see an opium field (or even a marijuana field) catching fire, everyone getting this kick ass buzz and being like, "Dude, we SO have to do this again."

Hence the Blazing of the Doobie begins.

Now it gets a little crazy. Needles. When some sadistic bastard said, "Hey, you see this sharp pointy thing? Well I filled this tube it's connected to with a bunch of crazy ass shit and I want to stick it in you to see what happens," I want to know what crazy ass person said, "Oh man, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And when the first person shot up, did they immediately use heroine or morphine or did they start with something simpler like milk or bleach?

"Let's check our test subjects. OK, the guy we injected with milk is still alive, but nothing seems to have happened. Where's the guy with the bleach...OH! WHOA! It looks like he actually tore his skin off his body before his head burst into flames. However look how pearly white his teeth are!"

Then there are the snorters. Based on my own research I can only assume this starts somewhere in childhood because when I was in 3rd grade I watched as Jeff Redmen crushed up a bunch of sweet tarts and snorted them up his nose. I don't know if that is still the way he enjoys them, but I know I still prefer to chew mine.

Which brings me to toads. Years ago, I was speaking with someone whom I would describe as a drug connoisseur, meaning he was an on-again off-again addict. Junkies are great. OK, that sounded bad. What I mean is, junkies seem to be mystified by anyone that has not taken drugs. They immediately launch into a list of every drug they have ever taken or heard about along with some whacked out story of something that happened when they did.

"Oh man, I was hyped up on some Ecstasy and Coke and I drove my car into a cow pasture, took off all my clothes made a slip and slide out of cow patties, shot myself up with some milk and then woke up next to a very satisfied looking goat."

So this guy was the first to ever tell me about toad licking. Apparently if you lick a certain kind of toad, you get this psychedelic effect that is "really bitchin'." At first I thought he was yanking my chain, but over the years I have heard a few people mention it. When they do, I always ask the same question: Who licked the first toad?

More importantly, I want to meet the person that convinced the other person to lick the first toad because that my friend, is someone that could sell water to a drowning man. Was it a bunch or drunken Rednecks that made someone do it on a dare? Maybe some naive teenage girls that took the you-have-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-a-prince a little too far?

And more importantly, how many licks did it take to get to the center?

The world may never know.

D is for My Drug Addict Dog

Ruff, ruff, bark, ruff, grrr, bark bark.

Loosely translated from dog to human: Hello, his name is Nemo and he's an addict.

Yes, that's right. I have the world's first drug addicted dog. I mean, it's not like he is out snorting coke or selling himself for meth, at least not that I know of anyway. No, the latest drug craze sweeping the animal kingdom is... fire ants.

Drug Lord

It all started when Nemo, my American Eskimo a.k.a Spitz,  came in one day looking like he had some irritation on his nose. I tried to put some Neosporin on it, which he naturally mistook for a gel-y goodness treat and licked off. The next day, it was a little worse so I gave him a Benedryl...did I forget to mention that he is allergic to himself? Oh yeah, he totally is. Maybe it's just pollen and crap getting on his fur, but he sneezes several times a day in a manner that involves his whole body, sometimes making his feet actually leave the ground. He is always incredibly surprised by this and afterwards, he  looks at me like, Holy crap! What the Hell was that?!?

Nemo -his nose used  to be solid black.

Anyway, Benedryl  didn't work. Within three days, his nose looked like the fake nose Rudolph's father makes him wear to cover up his red nose. By the fifth day, the damn thing looked like it was going to fall off. Afraid he had cancer or some mutant elephant nose doggy disease I took him to the vet who had no idea what the problem was.

Again...it used to be ALL black.

Finally, my friend saw an Animals Behaving Badly documentary. When he first told me about the show, I was afraid it was going to be about animals robbing banks or dogs on cheaters. The female dog catching her boyfriend dog with another girl dog, attacking her and barking, "That's my man, Bitch!" But no, because that would be ludicrous. Instead, the one my friend saw was about a drug addicted bird.

Turns out the bird would dive bomb into piles of fire ants causing them to spray a poison that causes the animal to get high. Now I had noticed Nemo had been hanging around some fire ant piles that were notorious for being a bad crowd. Still, I thought he was smart enough to stay away. But then one day, there he was, pawing at the pile. Looking back, I had noticed he would come in with his bleary eyes red and half opened, seeming incredibly chilled, and looking at me like, Mom, do we have any chips or cookies? I've got the munchies. He would also start whimpering, wining, and scratching at the door to go outside after only being inside for an hour. I now know, he was jones-ing for a fix.

Die! Die! Die!

Naturally, I was pissed. How dare these little pushers come on to my property and hook my baby! I had to get rid of them. I tried fire ant killer, but they just moved their pile or a new drug lord would just take over for the old one. Frustrated, one day my anger got the best of me. I was on my riding lawnmower and saw one of their little drug dens. I hit the gas and yelled, "Bonzai, you little bastards!" Not sure why I chose Bonzai, but in the fit of anger, people often yell strange things. I plowed through the den and they went flying all over the place. I felt victorious, so when I saw another one, I gunned it again. Only this time, the lawnmower stalled right on top of the pile. Not good...

Drug Den

I was swarmed. It was a blood bath, one from which my lawnmower would never recover. The other pile I had massacred...well turns out, I just scattered them everywhere. There are now little drug dens all across my 2 and 1/4 acre property and suddenly, I live in a "bad" neighborhood.

I tried to get Nemo into a 12 step program, but that is like 84 in doggy steps and he just doesn't have the patience...not when there are so many ant piles to snort.

Tomorrow's post: The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?