D is for My Drug Addict Dog

Ruff, ruff, bark, ruff, grrr, bark bark.

Loosely translated from dog to human: Hello, his name is Nemo and he's an addict.

Yes, that's right. I have the world's first drug addicted dog. I mean, it's not like he is out snorting coke or selling himself for meth, at least not that I know of anyway. No, the latest drug craze sweeping the animal kingdom is... fire ants.

Drug Lord

It all started when Nemo, my American Eskimo a.k.a Spitz,  came in one day looking like he had some irritation on his nose. I tried to put some Neosporin on it, which he naturally mistook for a gel-y goodness treat and licked off. The next day, it was a little worse so I gave him a Benedryl...did I forget to mention that he is allergic to himself? Oh yeah, he totally is. Maybe it's just pollen and crap getting on his fur, but he sneezes several times a day in a manner that involves his whole body, sometimes making his feet actually leave the ground. He is always incredibly surprised by this and afterwards, he  looks at me like, Holy crap! What the Hell was that?!?

Nemo -his nose used  to be solid black.

Anyway, Benedryl  didn't work. Within three days, his nose looked like the fake nose Rudolph's father makes him wear to cover up his red nose. By the fifth day, the damn thing looked like it was going to fall off. Afraid he had cancer or some mutant elephant nose doggy disease I took him to the vet who had no idea what the problem was.

Again...it used to be ALL black.

Finally, my friend saw an Animals Behaving Badly documentary. When he first told me about the show, I was afraid it was going to be about animals robbing banks or dogs on cheaters. The female dog catching her boyfriend dog with another girl dog, attacking her and barking, "That's my man, Bitch!" But no, because that would be ludicrous. Instead, the one my friend saw was about a drug addicted bird.

Turns out the bird would dive bomb into piles of fire ants causing them to spray a poison that causes the animal to get high. Now I had noticed Nemo had been hanging around some fire ant piles that were notorious for being a bad crowd. Still, I thought he was smart enough to stay away. But then one day, there he was, pawing at the pile. Looking back, I had noticed he would come in with his bleary eyes red and half opened, seeming incredibly chilled, and looking at me like, Mom, do we have any chips or cookies? I've got the munchies. He would also start whimpering, wining, and scratching at the door to go outside after only being inside for an hour. I now know, he was jones-ing for a fix.

Die! Die! Die!

Naturally, I was pissed. How dare these little pushers come on to my property and hook my baby! I had to get rid of them. I tried fire ant killer, but they just moved their pile or a new drug lord would just take over for the old one. Frustrated, one day my anger got the best of me. I was on my riding lawnmower and saw one of their little drug dens. I hit the gas and yelled, "Bonzai, you little bastards!" Not sure why I chose Bonzai, but in the fit of anger, people often yell strange things. I plowed through the den and they went flying all over the place. I felt victorious, so when I saw another one, I gunned it again. Only this time, the lawnmower stalled right on top of the pile. Not good...

Drug Den

I was swarmed. It was a blood bath, one from which my lawnmower would never recover. The other pile I had massacred...well turns out, I just scattered them everywhere. There are now little drug dens all across my 2 and 1/4 acre property and suddenly, I live in a "bad" neighborhood.

I tried to get Nemo into a 12 step program, but that is like 84 in doggy steps and he just doesn't have the patience...not when there are so many ant piles to snort.

Tomorrow's post: The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?