S is for Scary Ass Santa

Santa. That jolly old fat man that comes around every December 25th bringing presents to girls and boys and spreading joy across the world. He is a terrific role model and the epitome of happiness.

Or is he...

Have you ever thought about it. I mean really thought about it. The truth is he is a grumpy bastard that believes he is above the law. Seriously. I have documented proof. May I present you with:

Exhibit A: He is in a gang and is an Extortionist.
That's right. He is the Kingpin in a notorious Elf gang. They hide out at the North Pole eating cookies, getting high on sugar as they build countless toys that he will use to blackmail children into being good.

Exhibit B: He is voyeuristic and illegally spies on children.
"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake." Well if that doesn't scream pervert, I don't know what does!

Exhibit C: He speeds.
That's right, Santa's got a lead foot. How else can he deliver all of those presents in ONE night?

Exhibit D: He is a Cat Burglar

OK, he doesn't steal cats, but he does break into people's homes, eats their cookies, drinks their milk, and gets soot all over the carpet. He leaves presents that distract people from noticing what else he took. Ever notice how something will suddenly be missing right after the holidays. Usually someone will blame a klepto cousin or a forgetful spouse, which I think is exactly what the fat man is counting on. P.S. I also think he is a re-gifter. How else do you explain my Barbie Dream House and Malibu Barbie just mysteriously disappearing (AND when I first got it, it wasn't in a box. It was already put together right there in my living room!)

Exhibit E: Tax Evader
Have you ever heard of Santa paying taxes? I didn't THINK so. And how does he get all the money to pay for these toys? How does he pay the elves? IF they are elves. Much like an overseas Apple factory, no one was ever allowed into his workshop. Perhaps, and this is just my theory, he is using children and calling them "elves" to avoid dealing with child labor laws.

Exhibit F: Little Kids are TERRIFIED of him
Ever notice how kids are crying, screaming and wetting themselves when they sit on his lap?...and rightfully so. Have you ever seen any movies or cartoons with Santa in them? Let's break some down: 

A Christmas story - Mean Santa. Every kid that sees him screams, cries, and one even wets himself. Then, when Ralphie tries to tell him what he wants, Santa goes all judgmental on him ("You'll shoot your eye out, Kid"), then gives him a boot to the face; 

Bad Santa - Drunk Santa. Billy Bob Thorton...enough said.

Year Without A Santa Clause - Wussy Santa. Santa feels unappreciated and cancels Christmas (Boo freakin' Hoo Santa. Try being a mom!) 

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer - Racist. He was all up in Rudolph's grille when he was taking his flying lessons. But the minute Rudolph's black nose came off revealing his red one, Santa is all like, Rudolph, you suck and even scolds his dad on his freak kid saying, "Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself. What a pity. He had such a nice take-off too."

Really you fat, balding, overgrown ELF! You're picking on Rudolph?!? You walk around like a pimp wearing your red suit and hat trimmed in white fur. How many baby seals did you have to club to get that?!?

And don't even get me started on the whole Island of Misfit toys!

So the next time you are sitting around and you hear Clement Clarke Moore's famous 'Twas The Night Before Christmas:

"His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow."

Stop and think: Is this a poem or an APB being put out on a criminal?

Hey, you can do what you want. All I know is I'm locking my doors and windows; lighting a fire in the fire place, and I'm going to be extra naughty...you know, just in case;)