O is for Oh No You Didn't

We have to talk. See, I have done my best to shield you from this, but now I feel I have no choice. It has gotten too bad...too out of control and well, I need you to protect yourselves.

You see, it seems there has been an outbreak of epic proportions. Lately, stupidity seems to be spreading like wild fire. At first, it seemed to be somewhat quarantined to the redneck, political and teenager communities. And while we would occasionally see everyday people, maybe even someone we knew, show symptoms of stupidity, for example anyone that ever sported a mullet or wore parachute pants, eventually, they would come to their senses. But since Walmart opened and reality TV became popular, stupidity has become almost unstoppable. To illustrate my findings, I have put together a few examples for you.

Example #1: This morning I was listening to the news and (I will be doing some paraphrasing here), this was the broadcast in a nutshell:

"At approximately 4:15am a man's car broke down on I-75. As he tried to cross the highway to get help, he was struck by a vehicle and killed. And boy that isn't going to make the commuters that are going to have to deal with those traffic delays this morning very happy."

No shit! I kid you not. All I could think was yeah, I'm thinking the guy that got killed and his family aren't going to be too thrilled about it either. Morons!

Example #2: A bride-to-be wanted to lose weight, so instead of doing something normal like, oh I don't know, diet and exercise, she decided to have her doctor put in a feeding tube. A feeding tube! And the idiot doctor did it. Apparently, it is all the rage in France and Italy, but it still relatively new here in the U.S. She is doing all of this so she can fit into her wedding dress. True, she will be too malnourished to stand or remember anything from her wedding day, but hey, at least she'll be skinny.

Now before you guys go getting all judgmental and thinking about how vain and self-centered this act was, you should know this: Many people that saw her thought she had some terminal illness. That is why she stopped picking her daughters up from school. You know, so they wouldn't have to explain that Mommy wasn't dying; she was just an idiot.

And they say kids don't have good role models these days.

Example #3: One of my former employees was arrested recently. Turns out she was cooking and selling meth out of her house. I know what you are thinking. Someone ratted her out and she got busted. Of course, you would think that; you have a brain. Apparently, she fried her's on meth which is why she called the police and asked them to come arrest her neighbor because he failed to pay her the $20 for the meth she just gave him.

Now if you see someone doing something stupid, please take your hand, walk up to them and high 5 their face. This may 1) Help them snap out of it; or 2) Give you enough time to run away so that you don't catch it, because much like kooties, stupidity is contagious.

After you have come into contact with a stupid person, be sure to watch for any warning signs that you may have contracted the stupid virus. Here are some things to watch for:

1) Going to a friend's house, seeing they have a new couch or bedroom set yet still not being able to stop yourself from saying, "Oh, did you get new furniture?";

2) Talking to someone on the phone and saying something like, "Yeah, I'm about to leave, but I can't find my phone." 

*Note: There are variations of this that may include not being able to find your glasses that are on your face or your car keys that are in your hand.

3) Being a Yankee fan (Go Red Sox!);

4) You begin understanding and identifying with the cast of the Jersey Shore;

4) Finally, and this one goes out to my niece, when being given directions and told to go left at the fork in the road. asking, "But what if someone moves it?"

These are all telltale signs of stupidity. If you notice any of these symptoms, report to the nearest library or turn on the Discovery channel or PBS immediately. Refrain from watching any reality TV or having conversations with anyone named Bubba. And if that doesn't work, call me. I will be happy to high 5 your face.


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