E is for The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?

Take my kids...pleeeeeeease.

Alright, I don't have kids, except for the furry variety. But there is a new epidemic among people that have actual human kids. It all started one day when I was driving and I saw the following sign:

My first thought was how huge are these kids? Are we talking Paul Bunyan size kids? Why are they selling them? Too expensive to feed? To clothe? It must be a total bitch to try to find school clothes that fit. Maybe that was why.

I didn't think much more about it until I came across another sign a few weeks later:

300 moms selling kids and at bargain prices? What could these children have possibly done? Is that why they are on sale? My mind flashed back to when I was little and my brother used to blackmail me into doing stuff by telling me if I didn't my parents would give me away. Apparently he didn't think they could get any money for me. Now, I didn't think my parents would actually give me away, so when I would refuse to do what he wanted he would hold me down, grab my arm, make me smack myself in the face and say, "Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?" He also used to tell me that they found me in a garbage can or that I was adopted. (Don't worry I got even. One day, my 14 year old nephew came to me looking for dirt he could use against his dad when he wanted to do stuff. I told him to ask his dad about the time he was 16 and spent the night in jail for trying to do a beer run. Then I told my nephew if his dad said anything, tell him I said that was for the time when I was 8 and he locked me outside at night in the dead of Winter with no shoes and in my puppy dog nightgown.

Hey, you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Anyway, when I saw that kids were on sale, I thought, I have some friends that want kids. Maybe I could do my Christmas shopping early. But then I thought, where would I store them until next Christmas? They'd probably get all whiny and be like, I'm hungry. I need food. I have to go to the bathroom. These air holes aren't big enough. After a few days of consideration, I thought, well it won't hurt to go look. Sadly, I was to late, or I just couldn't actually find the sale. (Same thing happens when I try to find a "Moving Sale." I go to where they are supposed to be, but by the time I get there, you guessed it, they have moved. And as I am not in the market for a garage or a yard, I rarely stop at those...unless it's a really nice yard.)

I was a little bummed, but then I figured, the good ones probably would have been all picked over, leaving only some really bad ones. I mean, isn't that why their moms were selling them? I did think how nice it would have been to pick up some bad ones and UPS them to my brother, but que sera sera.

Over the next few days, I kept thinking what is with this sudden epidemic of mothers trying to sell their children? How bad could these children have actually been? Then I came across another sign:

Whoa, wait a minute! Wow, not even cool kids were safe? And they had them on consignment? What is going on? How does that work? Do the parents drop the kids off at a shop or is it like a layaway thing? Are boys or girls more expensive? Do you pay more if they are in good condition? Do I get a discount if I buy like 7 or 8? I figure I could get 1 or 2 for myself, then buy some and put them up for my friends. Surely, cool kids wouldn't complain about wanting food or larger air holes in their boxes. Maybe I could even take them out and play with them every once in a while before I gave them away. I would let them eat or use the bathroom if they, say loaded my dishwasher? Vacuumed? Hey, maybe I could get them to take care of my lawn problem! I have to be honest, it was tempting.

I decided not to get any just yet. I hope to be moving soon and didn't want to have to use any extra boxes to store them that could be used for something else like books or dishes. I opted to wait until the big Memorial day sale or after Christmas sale when I can maybe get them on clearance or come across a 2 for 1. I wonder what the return policy is on that? I guess if I get them and they are mean, evil and rotten and the moms won't take them back I can just ship them to my brother.


Payback's a bitch;)

Tomorrow's Post: F is for Freaks and "F"- that!