P is for Psycotic

I believe we have known each other long enough that I can tell you this story without having you judge me too harshly. I would first like to say that I am probably one of the sanest people you will ever meet and, if you had ever met my family, you know what an accomplishment that is because they are almost all nuts. ("Nuts" being the medical term because I don't know how to spell bwbwbwbwbw -yes I just put my finger to my lips and made the crazy sound).

Anyway, I rarely ever argue. I'm more of the calm cool headed one that sits down, talks and tries to resolve things. That's what makes what I'm about to tell you so out of character.

See, it started with me having a very rough day. The doctors had screwed up my medicine causing my heart to race and giving me adrenaline shakes. I just wanted to sit down, have a cup of tea and relax. As I got cozy, I reached for my cup and found my now-ex-husband sucking up my tea with the Shop-Vac. He thought it was funny; I did not. Still I didn't say anything.

Next my friend called me to inform me that when she was driving my sister-in-law (we'll call her She-devil) home, as She-devil got out of the car, my dog's bone...the one she had just stolen from my house...had fallen out of her pocket, unbeknownst to her. Still, I said nothing.

The next day, we were having a garage sale that was advertised as being from 8am-2pm, so imagine my surprise when "professional garage sale hunters" started pounding on my door at 6am to see if they could see the items I had for sale.Still I kept my mouth shut.

I even kept my mouth shut when my ex, claiming he didn't know I used it every day, put my Gazelle glider (yes I bought one) outside and sold it for $20. I only had it for five months.

I left my ex to handle the garage sale and went to get lunch to bring back home. That is when I noticed some assholes had put their garage sale signs 1 inch in front of all mine so that no one could read my signs. Still, I didn't say anything, I just simply pulled my signs and put them 1 inch in front of their's. Maybe it was childish, but they started it and I was going to finish it. Call me whatever names you like, just remember I'm rubber and you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you!

At the end of the day after the sale was over, I went to collect my signs. I noticed this one schmanzy sign that my neighbor had loaned to us was missing. This is when I lost my mind.

I drove to the other sale, got buzzed into their neighborhood and there it was. My sign with the big old arrow, but with my address crossed off and their address put in, which, fortunately for me, made them easy to find. I pulled up to their house and while the lady and her husband were talking to a driveway full of customers, I yelled out my window, "Is this your garage sale?"

"Yes," she answered smiling.

"I know you stole my sign."

"What? No I didn't. That's my sign."

"Really? You are going to bold face lie to me? You crossed out my address," I said holding up and shaking the sign.

Silence.

"Well I just want to tell you that I hope you made a lot of money on your garage sale because you are going to need it for bail because I am going to the police right now to have them arrest your thieving ass!"

Like I said, I lost my mind. I did go to the police dept, but it was just a small local one that was closed on the weekend so I didn't report her.

That took place in Florida. Now you may think that is the end of my sign drama. Sadly, it was not. Six years later, I moved to Georgia. I had a sign in front of my house with one of those "Take One" things you can put fliers in. It got stolen. It seems there is some sort of sign stealing ring. They take them, then sell them off for parts. This drudged up my previous sign ordeal. So when I was driving and saw that someone had stolen one of my business signs and wrote their garage sale information on it, I did the only thing I could. I crossed out the garage sale info, put a piece of paper over it that read:

"Free Stuff. Moving. Everything Must Go"  I left their address on there. Then, not quite satisfied I wrote: "*And Don't Forget to Ask Us About Our Free Massages.*"

To this day, I am not sure why these events made me so mad. Apparently I have strong feelings for my signs.

Told ya, completely lost my mind.   

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