U is for Undateable

OK, first off, it is telling me undateable isn't a word and I'm telling you, I think it should and here's why.

Have you ever dated (or even married) someone, looked back and been like what the hell was I thinking? I have to tell you, I have dated some real winners. There was the boy I dated for a week in 8th grade that continued to stalk me well into my twenties; then there was the one that forgot to mention he was a drug dealer;  the one that neglected to mention he was a stripper until I told him I was going to a Bachelorette party and he was afraid he might be the entertainment; there was the alcoholic; the one addicted to pain killers; and, my personal favorite, the possible devil worshiper.

Yes, I have dated some beauties. Now, in my defense, I didn't know any of this when I started dating these guys. It's not like each was wearing a sign: "Hi my name is Ralph. I'm a Scorpio. I love long walks on the beach and oh yeah, I used to worship the devil." In fact, that guy, in particular had brought me to a Catholic church because, apparently, he had converted back.  Turns out having, Satanic beliefs make it hard to pick-up chicks. Who knew?!?

So here is my idea. I think that everyone should have to wear a warning label attached to all of their clothes. Seriously, wouldn't it be so much easier if when you meet someone you could peek at their warning label and be like Yeah that's not too bad or Holy shit! Stay away from me you psychopath!

Just think of all the time and headaches it could save. You meet someone attractive and are just about to give them your number when you say, "Hang on. Turn around. Let me read your label."

"Extremely needy;"
"Mama's boy";
"Crazy eyes";
"Like to dress up like a baby and be spanked;"
"It depends on which one of her personalities is out that day;"
"All woman...NOW;)"
"RUN!!!!"

It could be used when hiring employees:

"Slackass;"
"Will take credit for your work;"
"Looks up porn all day...on your computer"
"Already banging the boss"


And it could be applied to possible new friends:

"Will sleep with your boyfriend;"
"Yankee fan;"
"Farts and blames it on the dog;"
"Have you seen Single White Female?'

Oooo, and the labels could be different colors:

RED: TOTALLY UNDATEABLE  (Equivalent to "Dry Clean Only")
You'll get it, love it the first time you wear it, then you will end up paying for it over and over again until it costs 10x as much as what you initially paid for it.

YELLOW: ON THE BRINK (Equivalent to hand wash separately, lay flat to dry)
Do you really like it because it might be a pain in the ass to maintain?

GREEN: JACKPOT! (Throw it in with anything. It 's fine).
Just don't let this person read your label.

So who's with me on this? I would say lets write our Congressmen and ask them to put it on the ballot, but I have a feeling they would be the last ones that would want to get the Un-dateable/employable/friendable Bill passed. Imagine that label:

Cheats on wife; accepts bribes; still calls his mother "Mommy;" hates dogs; steals from constituents and is a closet cross dresser.

Or it could just read Politician. (Basically the same thing).


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