K is for Kiss This!

For all of you guys out there that don't know how to pick up women and aren't really into the bar scene, hold onto your sweatpants because now you can meet and make out hot chick without ever leaving your room.

Allow me to explain. See Keidai Ogawa is a nerd. Don't worry. I'm not being mean. He knows he is. He is also well, a little strange. Let me rephrase that, he's a whack job!

Still this nerdy, whack job status did not stop him from getting a...well...let's call her a girlfriend. It seems that our buddy Keidai grew up staring at an anime poster. But after a while staring wasn't enough. He wanted more and he knew by the way it was always looking at him that it wanted more too. So he did the only thing he could. He got freaky with it. Yup, he was getting all hot and heavy with his wall. 

This guy, whom I am guessing has his parents beaming with pride and will soon be revered as a Geek God has created a poster that will make out with you. Yes, make-out. It is called a pochuter. Chu is Japanese slang for kiss, combine that with poster and you get pochuter (which loosely translates to guy that can't get a date). "She" senses how close your head is to her and leans forward towards the kiss and even blushes after you make out. He is hoping to make her smell like shampoo (I'm guessing Windex-she is a poster after all), whisper sweet nothings (How YOU doin'. my 3-dimensional lover) and is going to add flavor to her lips, which apparently right now, taste like paper. My vote is for a nice subtle wallpaper glue flavor. 

Oh, where to begin. First, she sounds like a bit of a slut to me just hanging out in guys rooms waiting to get it on, but whatever. I mean imagine having a friend over. You go to get something to drink only to come back and find your buddy making out with your wall. How can you forgive something like that?

"Dude, That's my girl!"

'I'm sorry man. I don't know what to say. She kept looking at me and the closer I got the more she leaned in and I don't know how to tell you this but...dude she kissed me back. Ask her."

"Is this true? How long has this been going on?  I guess that's how I got this cold sore on my lip!"

They break-up he takes her down, rolls her up and puts her in a box under his bed. They make up and she is back on his wall. He gets a new poster and she feels used. The two girls stare each other down whenever he isn't around. It is a vicious love triangle. Your basic boy meets poster. Boy gets horny. Boy makes out with poster. Poster screws around and breaks boy's heart. I've seen it a thousand times.

Second, think of how it will affect society. If all these smart guys are staying at home making out with their walls who will bring about cold fusion? Cure cancer? Invent the 3rd version of the Snuggie? Not to mention who will the brainy girls hook up with to make genius babies? You can't have a meathead and a smart girl make a baby. Meat trumps brains. And it's not like geek boy and anime poster will have a child. I mean, what would it even look like? Confetti?

"Oh look, he has his daddy's eyes and his mommy's one-dimensional figure. Goochy-goochy-goo. Awww, crap I dropped him. I'll never get him out of the carpet!"

Is it just me or is this totally creepy? I mean, you know it isn't going to stop there. One day his parents are going to walk in on him humping the wall and his mom will be all like, "I am NOT cleaning that up!"

And that's just one of the awkward scenarios the guy's poor parents will encounter. Imagine having to introduce her to friends:

Mom: "Marge, Tom, I'd like you to meet our son's girlfriend, Vistaprint."

Marge: "Ummmm...nice to meet...you know she's a poster right? She doesn't say much, does she? Wait, is she trying to kiss me?"

Mom:"Yeah, she is a bit of a slut."

Tom: "She's hot. But does it bother you that..."

Dad: "That my son's dating a poster? No. I'm just glad he finally got laid."

Tom: "How do you know that?

Dad, taking a swig of Jack Daniels: "Let's just say I know."

Son: "Yeah Dad, I totally nailed her."

*Remember if you like this post, please share it. Just click the FB or Twitter link at the top of the page. Spread the laughter*