J is for Jealous

You should know, I am a very wanted women (and not just because of the vomit pliers - see last post for those of you that are like "Vomit pliers! I have to get me some of those.").

See, I had been ignoring my junk email. One day I clicked on it because someone had sent me something that I didn't get so they told me to check it. And thank God they did!

I have had SO many people trying to contact me. First of all, and try not to be too jealous, but I may have already won an iPad, which totally kicks ass because I don't even remember entering to win one. I am sure one of the good people at my magazine subscription or credit card companies, knowing I could use an iPad, were thoughtful enough to sell my information. They are always looking out for me.

Second, well, I haven't dated in awhile and I really had no desire to, that is until I found out that I have Jewish Singles, Black Singles, Christian Singles, and Lesbian Singles all just waiting to meet me! Me! I had no idea I was so popular. I also got one for Single Gay Men, but I think that was just actual junk mail. (I knew I shouldn't have cut my hair that short!) I also got an invitation to a Lesbian Torture Clinic where they will abuse me and throw urine on me until I am no longer gay. I was tempted, I mean it's been a long time since I had some urine thrown on me, but it is in Ecuador and I would have to get my passport renewed, and well, I'm not gay so I decided it would be too much trouble to go and deleted that email.

Oh! And apparently, my Viagra is ready. Thank God because my vibrator could really use a boost! I mentioned that I hadn't dated in awhile, right? Yeah, I have a vibrator. Get over it.

And, well, I am almost hesitant to tell you this because you are going to be SO freakin' jealous. Alright, I can tell you are just dying to know so I'll tell you, but remember you asked for it. Come here and put your ear really close to the computer. I have to whisper this because I'm not suppose to tell anyone. You see, there is this Arabian prince that is being held against his will by insurgents. He has $40 million dollars, that's right MILLION, that he has to get out of the country. Now he had told me that if I provide MY bank account number and password, he will let me keep $10 million just for helping him out. He may even marry me once he escapes! Can you believe it? I get $10 million bucks just for providing my bank account info. You can't make that kind of money selling penny stocks or with a cleverly orchestrated pyramid scheme! (By the way, and I realize this has nothing to do with this post, but Madeoff? REALLY? They thought it would be a good idea to fork over a couple million dollars to a guy named Madeoff?!?)

Lucky for me my Arabian prince is legit. I sure hope he's cute! 

Told you this post would make you jealous I am a highly sought after, free iPad having, Viagra vibrator totin', soon to be millionaire princess. It's good to be me.


*Remember if you like this post, share it! Spread the laughter :) *