R is for Rock Star...

I am a Rock Star. In fact, not only am I a Rock Star, but I am a rock star with incredible vocal range. I have been known to belt out an Olivia Newton John melody and follow it up with a head banging song by Disturbed. Oh yeah, that's right. I'm that good.

So why have you never heard of me? Probably because I mainly do small venues like my shower or car. A lot of people seem to like my car performance. I can tell because when I am belting out Lady Marmalade's Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? and getting my best Christina on, I can see them pointing and laughing at me through their window. They are of course jealous of my amazing voice (even though they can't hear it) and of my kick ass driver seat choreography. Oh that's right...with me, you don't just get ear candy...you get eye candy too.  I'm poppin' -n-lockin' like a crazy person, which sometimes causes  me to hit the brake instead of the gas, so if you ever see me driving, don't follow too closely. Just sit back in the next lane and enjoy my sweet Jagger like moves. 

(By the way, why is everyone so obsessed with having "moves like Jagger" ? Has anyone ever seen him dance? It's not pretty and sure as hell isn't something to brag about.  He looks like a duck or a pigeon trying to take a shit. Seriously, it isn't good.)

My shower performance is pretty racy as I perform naked. I tried getting all dressed up in leather complete with chains and sleazy zipper top, but my chains kept rusting, so I decided to go al naturale. I have 2 microphones that most would say look a lot like a conditioner or shampoo bottle. I get down and dirty, although I do not pop -n- lock because it is too slippery and the last time I tried that, I fell out of the shower and into the toilet. In that instance, I had the moves like Courtney Love.

I usually have an audience for my shower show. Three dogs and my cat, also known as my groupies. My cat isn't so much into the vocal aspect of my show as much as she is mystified by the fact that I am allowing water to pour all over me; a concept that both fascinates and terrifies her. She paws against the door in a Don't worry Mom, I  am trying to help you. I just can't open this damn door because I have no opposable thumbs kinda way.

My dogs howl. The reason why is still undetermined. I am not sure if they hate my singing (as if!) or if they are trying to audition to be my back-up singers. I would never tell them this but I wouldn't hire them as they are incredibly off-key. Maybe I'll refer them to Brittney Spear's where their vocal talent won't matter.

By now, you are probably dying to catch one of my shows, but I am sorry to say, that much like Jagger, you will get no satisfaction. I have stage fright. OK, I guess it isn't stagefright as much as it is the fear that people will hear my voice without the proper acoustics that my car and shower provide, boo me unmercifully and throw lettuce, tomatoes and other vegetables at me. Why do they throw those things? Do they want me to make a salad while I am singing? 

Anyway, your only hope of catching one of my performances is if you see me driving. Then you can at least get the joy of seeing me Dancing In the Streets and busting my moves like Jagger. But don't worry, I promise not to shit on your windshield.