Anakin's 2 Days of Being Dognapped or as I Call It His "Spa Days"

Last weekend, some dognappers got more than they bargained for when they stole Anakin (a.k.a. Monkey Face) out of my yard.

It all started last Friday. I had gone out for a few hours. When I returned home, my two American Eskimos came flying up to the gate to greet me as always did. Anakin was nowhere to be found. Now that is not all that unusual. If Anakin is awake, he is right there with the other two, but if he is napping, well, it goes more like this:

Eyes open. What the hell are they barking at? I'm trying to take a nap here!

Is it a killer? No, it does not appear to be a killer.  It appears to be Mom.

Big yawn, followed by some licking of his chops that suggests he ate something foul.

Does she want me to get up? I think she wants me to get up. I don't want to get up. But wait she might have cookies. Damn it! I better get up. Obligatory tail wag and fake enthusiasm.

Anakin stuck in the cat house after chasing the cat.
(Luckily the cat got out)

This day was different. I went through the gate and followed his lead line. Now I don't normally believe in lead lines, but after trying everything to keep him from escaping my 2 1/4 acres and almost watching him get hit three times, I had to settle on a lead line to keep him safe (even though the little s%*t can still get out of his harness! I should have named him Houdini!) 

Anyway, the lead line was unclipped and Anakin was gone. Because it was unhooked, coupled with the fact that Anakin doesn't have opposable thumbs, I knew he had been taken. I started the mad hunt for him, putting up posters, contacting local vets and shelters, and in true me fashion, pulled up next to a cop that was in a hidden spot trying to bust people speeding. At first, he was not too happy about his cover being blown, but after I told him what happened and asked him to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious like the guys from 101 Dalmatians, he agreed.

Side note: Everyone speeding that day, you're welcome. 

I have to be honest I did not think I would ever see my boy again. Turns out, I underestimated my little Jedi. While I may never know what really happened, I think it went something like this:

Dognappers (after throwing food at my other dogs):"Oh, come here you poor thing. Did that mean lady tie you up?" (Anakin tries to kill them- he doesn't like people he doesn't know coming into our yard.) "Whoa! Hold on buddy we aren't going to hurt you. Here are some cookies." They then undo him from the lead line while he is distracted and take him.

Anakin: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Listen I appreciate the cookies and I dig the car ride, but you are NOT my mom.)

Dognappers: "Here this is your new home."

Anakin: "What? What are you talking about? What's going on? Where are my brothers? Where's mom? Wait... what's that? Hold on... is that... Yes! Yes, it is! CAT!!!!!!"

Dognappers: "No!"

Anakin: "No, really I got this... they squeak, let me show you. I just have to catch it. There it is!" (Hurdles the couch, knocks over the Christmas tree, several plants, stops for a minute to pee on them. The chase resumes, leading out the door, through the screen, and into the rain. One of the dognappers heads off the cat, who jumps up and claws the crap out of him followed by Anakin leaping after it. He knocks the dognappers over causing them to fall into a pile of mud as the cat runs away.

Anakin (covered in mud, tongue hanging out panting): "Did we get it?!? I'm hungry. I'm going to take my muddy butt inside and take a nap on your cream carpet while you fix me something to eat."

Two nights later, I looked out my gate and there he was standing there. His harness and lead line were removed and he was super white and fluffy and smelled like shampoo. Apparently, they had given him a bath. I don't know if they let him out to go to the bathroom and he ran back home or if they waited until late at night and dropped him off at my gate. All I know is my little Monkey Face is home safe. And he got a bath that I didn't have to pay for! WOO-HOO!

Anakin "Monkey Face" Happy to be home.

***Valentine's Day is coming up! Don't forget my book, Why Am I Still Single? is available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com for all the single people out there.  ***

D is for My Drug Addict Dog

Ruff, ruff, bark, ruff, grrr, bark bark.

Loosely translated from dog to human: Hello, his name is Nemo and he's an addict.

Yes, that's right. I have the world's first drug addicted dog. I mean, it's not like he is out snorting coke or selling himself for meth, at least not that I know of anyway. No, the latest drug craze sweeping the animal kingdom is... fire ants.

Drug Lord

It all started when Nemo, my American Eskimo a.k.a Spitz,  came in one day looking like he had some irritation on his nose. I tried to put some Neosporin on it, which he naturally mistook for a gel-y goodness treat and licked off. The next day, it was a little worse so I gave him a Benedryl...did I forget to mention that he is allergic to himself? Oh yeah, he totally is. Maybe it's just pollen and crap getting on his fur, but he sneezes several times a day in a manner that involves his whole body, sometimes making his feet actually leave the ground. He is always incredibly surprised by this and afterwards, he  looks at me like, Holy crap! What the Hell was that?!?

Nemo -his nose used  to be solid black.

Anyway, Benedryl  didn't work. Within three days, his nose looked like the fake nose Rudolph's father makes him wear to cover up his red nose. By the fifth day, the damn thing looked like it was going to fall off. Afraid he had cancer or some mutant elephant nose doggy disease I took him to the vet who had no idea what the problem was.

Again...it used to be ALL black.

Finally, my friend saw an Animals Behaving Badly documentary. When he first told me about the show, I was afraid it was going to be about animals robbing banks or dogs on cheaters. The female dog catching her boyfriend dog with another girl dog, attacking her and barking, "That's my man, Bitch!" But no, because that would be ludicrous. Instead, the one my friend saw was about a drug addicted bird.

Turns out the bird would dive bomb into piles of fire ants causing them to spray a poison that causes the animal to get high. Now I had noticed Nemo had been hanging around some fire ant piles that were notorious for being a bad crowd. Still, I thought he was smart enough to stay away. But then one day, there he was, pawing at the pile. Looking back, I had noticed he would come in with his bleary eyes red and half opened, seeming incredibly chilled, and looking at me like, Mom, do we have any chips or cookies? I've got the munchies. He would also start whimpering, wining, and scratching at the door to go outside after only being inside for an hour. I now know, he was jones-ing for a fix.

Die! Die! Die!

Naturally, I was pissed. How dare these little pushers come on to my property and hook my baby! I had to get rid of them. I tried fire ant killer, but they just moved their pile or a new drug lord would just take over for the old one. Frustrated, one day my anger got the best of me. I was on my riding lawnmower and saw one of their little drug dens. I hit the gas and yelled, "Bonzai, you little bastards!" Not sure why I chose Bonzai, but in the fit of anger, people often yell strange things. I plowed through the den and they went flying all over the place. I felt victorious, so when I saw another one, I gunned it again. Only this time, the lawnmower stalled right on top of the pile. Not good...

Drug Den

I was swarmed. It was a blood bath, one from which my lawnmower would never recover. The other pile I had massacred...well turns out, I just scattered them everywhere. There are now little drug dens all across my 2 and 1/4 acre property and suddenly, I live in a "bad" neighborhood.

I tried to get Nemo into a 12 step program, but that is like 84 in doggy steps and he just doesn't have the patience...not when there are so many ant piles to snort.

Tomorrow's post: The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?