Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey

Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-1&keywords=shay+stone

For those suffering from chronic pain

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-2&keywords=shay+stone

I Have An Important Announcement...

After much deliberation I, Shay Stone, am announcing my candidacy for President.

Yup, that's right, I'm throwing my hat into the race. (Well I don't actually have a hat on so you will just have to settle for a hair flip).  Several things led me to this decision; the state of the economy, the healthcare and medicare issues, the amount my cool factor would increase when I showed up everywhere with my personal entourage of Secret Servicemen all of whom would bear a remarkable resemblance to Channing Tatum. I would also really enjoy the ability to cut in front of everyone when I have to pee Yes, all of things contributed to my decision, but one has driven me more than anything else. My Facebook wall.

I am sick and tired of all the nonsensical political propaganda, glittering generalities, and smear campaigns that are over running my Facebook page.

Seriously, WTH does this even mean?!?

It has got to stop. It is preventing me from finding out important information like who is sleeping with whom, which of my other food items are made with pink slime and who got booted off Project Runway. So in the interest of getting all the political crap off of my Facebook page, I have decided to enter the Presidential Race.

Now unlike previous politicians, I am not going to blow smoke up your ass because 1) I don't smoke and 2) I don't know where your ass has been. I am going to come right out and tell you my plan.

1.) Bring all of the troops home to their families. No more wars for political reasons. If we do go to war it will be to help people that are being terrorized (look up Uganda's Night Walkers). There is no political benefit for us to go there which is why I believe we aren't. We'll fight for a commodity like oil, but not for human lives. So, I would just send some Navy Seals there to open a big ol' can of whoop ass on some Rebels and then bring them home;

2.) I would take all of the money we were spending on the war and pay schooling for anyone that is willing to go into fields that would focus on finding alternative fuel and energy sources. On that note, I would also standardize classes so that all college courses rated the same and were transferable. Meaning if you took English Course 330 in one university it would be English Course 330 in every other college/university and you wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars because your credits didn't transfer. Also, to receive a Bachelor's Degree, you would also only be required to take the classes that were 100% necessary for your degree. None of that, "You need to take core classes to become a more well-rounded person." If I want to be more well-rounded, I'll eat more;

3.) I would change the salaries and freeze the assets of all Congress for 1 year. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same for anyone that is running for Congress and President. Let's see how bad they really want to be in office. I would then make them go and apply for minimum wage jobs. If they got hired, then they would have to survive on $7.25 an hour before taxes just like most of America is doing. Hell, I'd even let them get $9.00 an hour. Let them see what it's like to try to find some place to live, afford a car, food, health insurance AND support a family. THEN I will believe them when they say they understand what the American people are going through. Until then, every American will have the right to bitch slap any politician that utters the word, "I am The American People. I know their struggles and concerns." Having to fly Business class because your private jet is on the fritz does not make you one of us;

4.) Jon Stewart would be my VP and Stephen Colbert would be my Press Secretary;

5.) I would call my supporters The Stoners;

6.) There would be mandatory drug testing for Welfare recipients. If you can buy drugs you can buy a bus ticket and get your ass to work. Hopefully you will also use some of that money to buy a belt to hold up your damn pants. There would also be a random drop in twice a year. If you are driving an Escalade and receiving Welfare, your ass is going to jail. Then, you won't even need to buy that belt;

7.) While we are on the subject, I would make it illegal to wear low, beltless pants with your stanky ass underwear hanging out, skirts and shorts that are tight and short enough that we are able tell if you shave or go au naturale and clothing that gives you ass cleavage. If you are caught wearing any of these items you are sentenced to wear a Forever Lazy(TM) for one year. Trying looking cool when you are dressed like a Teletubbie;

8.) I would have a strict review of all Government spending projects and do away with ones that give $250,000 to see if monkeys like ketchup or some other made up crap projects that hemorrhage money. I would take that money and healthcare would be free. I would probably even have enough money left over to buy the monkeys some bananas so they had something to put their ketchup on;

9.) Anyone that was caught saying or was stupid enough to protest or post crap on Facebook or any other social media outlet that shames or condemns someone else's race, religion or life choices is subject to having their entire computer history, phone texts, pictures, medical records and diary/journal posted on the Jumbotron in Time Square. You will also be followed around the clock with cameras so that everyone can see how truly perfect and noncontroversial your boring, judgmental life is. We reserve the right to point and laugh;

10.) I would ban dog racing. I have nothing funny to say about this. Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about how horrible the animals are treated and one of my life's missions is to get it stopped. So this is where I will be instituting my own political agenda. (R.I.P. Apollo Big Dog);

11.) If you are a convicted murder, sex offender,  or guilty of any other violent crime, then grab your parka folks because you just bought yourself a one way ticket to Antarctica. Yup, that's right enjoy the frigid  -128.6⁰F  temperatures as you try to survive in this barren, frozen tundra where the only people you can harm are yourself or other criminals like you. To all you male sex offenders, I suggest you watch where you whip that thing out at because it may freeze and break right off. Let's see how much you enjoy getting off when you have icicles coming out of you penis!

12.) It has been proven time and time again that far to many stupid people are reproducing. Because of this I would make everyone take a mandatory parenting test that would have seemingly simple questions like: 

If it it is 100 degrees out is it OK to leave your child in the hot car while you go into work or shopping?

If your child is in a restaurant (assuming it is an adult restaurant and not Chuck E. Cheese) and is running around tables and screaming at the top of her lungs like a maniac should you stay in the restaurant and ignore her or should you give her a warning and then if she doesn't listen, pack up your out of control child, food and leave? 

If you only have $10 and your child needs diapers but you also need beer which one do you buy? (Come on guys. THINK! You can figure out the right answer to this one.)

Anyone male or female failing these tests is shackled with a chastity belt and given a parenting manual and will then be given a second attempt to pass the test. If they fail again, then they will be neutered. I'm sorry, but it is the only way I can think of to stop the planet from being overrun with idiots. If someone has a better idea, I am open to suggestions;  

13.) I would adopt New Zealand's immigration policy. If you want to come into our country, you must have no prior criminal record, have a least, let's say $50,000 US in the bank, and you must be able to contribute to and better our society (i.e. you must be a doctor, teacher, artist, author, philanthropist, etc.). If you can't add to our country you are going to detract from it. That's right bitches, I'm closing the doors to the freeloaders. 

So please, no more posts about how we still haven't seen Obama's birth certificate. (We have and even if we hadn't, he has almost completed one full term as President. Let it go.) I also don't care if you think Romney looks Like Herman Munster and Paul Ryan looks like Eddie Munster. If you are basing your political choice on either of these things, then you are a moron and your parents should have been neutered!

Unfortunately, I know my chances for the presidency are slim. I am not crooked and sadly, from what I understand that is a requirement in order to reach that position in office. As a matter of fact, I should probably enter Witness Protection just for writing this. At least now people will stop posting crap about Romney and Obama on my wall. Instead, they will post made up crap about me and attack my character on other people's walls. Just make sure I look hot in the ads.

I am Shay Stone and I approve this message. 

G is for Good God Your Kid is Ugly j/k LOL

You gotta love Facebook. OK, well you don't have to love it. But, you do have to be on it. If you aren't you should know that we make fun of you regularly because you are not one of the cool kids like us that sit at home on Friday and Saturday nights glued to our screens to see what other people are doing so we can live vicariously through them. Unfortunately, they are on Facebook too, so we send comments back and forth about what other people are doing and what we wish we were doing, you know if we weren't on Facebook.

While many people refer to Facebook as the Devil's Playground, and I have to be honest, I'm not sure that they are wrong, it also has a lot of good aspects. It gives you the ability to reunite with friends that you have lost touch with, reconnect with lost loves (Ha! Look at the butherface he ended up with) and keep in touch with family that you don't see. Although the family thing is a double-edged sword.

"Hi, Aunt Gertrude. I am really sorry that I wasn't able to come over Saturday and watch the DVD of Uncle Leonard's colonoscopy. I heard you made your famous liver and marshmallow green bean casserole. You know how sorry I am that I missed that! I just can't seem to shake this cold. Huh? What's that? Oh, you saw the pictures on Facebook of me doing Jager shots and jello wrestling at Mardi Gras this weekend. Yes, I do have a lot of beads. No, no, that wasn't my boyfriend. Just some guy I met. No, I really was sick. That's what happens when you take Ambien and cold medicine... yeah, I'll come over right now. Yes, I'll stop and pick up some marshmallows."

See double-edged sword. Oh, and if you are wondering what a butherface is let me give you an example:

Wow, that girl has a rockin' body, but her face looks like a Pitbull's chew toy!

Facebook also gives you the opportunity to see photos of your friends and family and comment on them. Have you ever seen somebody's baby and thought wow, that is one ugly kid? Of course, you can't (or shouldn't) say that so you write something like, "Wow, he looks just like his daddy."

Well, some people have found away to say exactly what they are thinking without incurring the wrath of the proud parents. They simply add what I refer to as a dis-qualifier. For example:

Hope she's smart 'cause Good God is that kid ugly!  j/k

Well, at least now we know what it would have looked like if Mr.and Mrs. Frankenstein had a baby.LOL

That's your kid?!? It looks like something my cat coughed up! LOL j/k 

By simply adding "j/k" (just kidding) or LOL (Laugh out Loud) people are saying exactly what they are genuinely thinking, but are able to play it off as a joke. And it doesn't have to just be about ugly kids. Say your friend tells you to go online to look at her new, awful haircut that she loves. You have the ability to say the following:

Wow, not everyone can wear green hair. And what'd they cut it with? A weed-whacker? LOL j/k 

For the first time, you can be completely honest because if someone gets all pissy about it, all you have to say is I wrote j/k. What are you getting so mad about? It makes them feel like the jerk. You can't do that if you are face to face because then this person will know you weren't j/k and as a result may punch you so hard that they give you a but-her-face. Then I will be forced to make comments filled with j/k and LOLs under your picture about what a loser you are which I will have time to do because after all, it is Friday night so we know I will be at home on Facebook so I don't miss out on everything that is going on with the other cool people. I just have to stop by Aunt Gertrude's for some marshmallow casserole first.