We all know those couples. The ones that met when they were in high school or saw each other on the street, locked eyes and immediately knew they were soul mates and meant to spend the rest of their lives together. They got married, never questioned it and appear to have found the key to true love.
I hate these people.
See, for me love doesn't come easy. Allow me to clarify: I love my family, friends, and tell my dogs and cat that I love them daily. But when it comes to true love... real, romantic, spending the rest of your life together kind of love... it terrifies me and remains something that I don't know that I am capable of achieving.
I used to think I was alone when it came to this feeling, which made me feel like even more of an outcast. Then, one night after a little too much wine, I confessed something to a friend: Even though I had been married at one point in my life, I didn't know if I'd ever been in love.
I loved my ex-husband, but I wasn't in love with him. Now, there were probably many reasons for that - the least of which was our relationship was more of the roommate variety opposed to the husband and wife kind, much to my dismay. But then, after my divorce, dates with other men, a few marriage proposals, and even one man's request to have a child with him, I found that I still felt the same way. Whenever I would think about the idea of falling in love or enter into a relationship with someone I would get the same image in my head that would cause me to high tail it out of the relationship so fast I'd leave a Scooby-Doo type shape of myself in the door behind me.
The Image:
I'm standing alone, strong and independent. Then a black, transparent, ghostly shadow with long arms and exaggerated, skinny fingers comes up behind me, wrapping its arms around me so tight that I can't move and begin to choke. It pulls me tighter and closer into it until it envelopes me completely and I am lost forever.
OK, air... I need air.
I mean, seriously, what the hell was wrong with me? Was I cold-hearted? Unfeeling? Too realistic? Too logical for love? Or was I just simply incapable of love? Then my friend responded in a way that I did not expect, "Oh my God, you feel that way too?!? I thought it was just me."
My friend and I discussed it at length and dissected it to the point that would exhaust Freud. We both wanted to fall that deeply in love but didn't know if it could ever happen. Neither one of us could imagine letting ourselves be vulnerable and surrendering control long enough to fall in love. Maybe it was trust issues or maybe we were both control freaks or maybe we just couldn't let go of how bad we had been burned by previous relationships. I remembered something my ex said while we were still just dating, "You can never love anyone like you loved your first love."
At first, the statement bothered me and I took offense to it. But the more I thought about it, the more I began to understand. See when you go into a relationship for the first time, you open your heart and give it everything you have. You become infatuated with the person and they occupy your every thought. As you're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio, you find yourself thinking, This should be our song or this would make a great wedding song someday for us. You imagine your perfect future together - the house, the kids, the dog (or cat), traveling the world, and living happily ever after. Then WHAM!!! You catch your guy (or girl) in bed with your best friend. You're mad, hurt, heartbroken, and most of all, you're blindsided. The life you imagined for yourself with the person you never thought would hurt you is obliterated into a million pieces and you're left standing there thinking, what the hell just happened? How did I not see it coming?
Once you have been hurt like that, no one has the ability to do it again, because, on some subconscious level, it is always in the back of your mind. And I think that really is true. Was that what was holding me back? Is that why I could never feel that deep love?
Or was my definition of love wrong? I remember my first love. He had long dark hair and was a grade above me. We were friends, which meant that we hung out at school, but other than that, he didn't notice me. I used to pine over him, doodling his last name behind my first name, writing poems about him, imagining the day when he would wake up and realize we were destined to be together. Needless to say, he never did. He ended up knocking up his high school sweetheart, got married in 12th grade, and had a mess of kids. He broke my heart most likely without even knowing it.
My next first love came when I was around 20 years old. I say my next first because over time I realized I probably wasn't really in love when I was younger. It was more of a crush... an infatuation with the idea of the guy and life I created in my mind. My second first love, I actually dated. If you have read my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women (Chapter titled The Savior), then you know it was visceral, very tumultuous, and almost destroyed me. It was also what I thought was love. I did everything I was supposed to - when he had to move to another state, I went with him. When he struggled with addiction, I stood by him; when he didn't think he was worthy of love and tried to push me away, I wouldn't let him and tried to show him why he deserved to be loved and how good it could be. I sacrificed my wants, needs, and basically myself, again and again, thinking that it would prove my love because, to me, love was supposed to be unconditional.
Eventually, I ended the relationship, but the pattern continued even into my marriage. The only way to prove that you loved someone was to support them no matter what, even at the expense of your own happiness. After all, if you were supporting their dreams, they would reciprocate and support your's as well and it would even out. Right?
Wrong.
Inevitably my dreams were put on hold. At first, it was OK. I didn't mind showing my support because well, that's what women were supposed to do. Yep, I said it. Little Miss Independent just said that line of crap. Like many of my friends, I grew up in a time and with a mother that instilled in me that women sacrifice for the men in their life. To be fair, it is the way she grew up too. Women stayed home and took care of the house and kids while the husband worked. So naturally, if his job required a move, the family relocated and everyone just had to adapt. My mother once told me, "I'm going to tell you what my grandfather told me. Relationships are 90/10 and you're [woman] the 10."
Naturally, I balked at the sentiment. I would reply that relationships should be equal with both partners giving 100/100, to which my mom would laugh and say, "We'll see."
Still, there I was in each of my relationships, throwing a bowling game so that my partner wouldn't ruin the night, mad because he was beaten by a girl, or putting my dreams on hold so my ex could pursue one dream after another assuring me that my time would be coming. Whenever I would try to pursue my own dreams, I would be accused of not being supportive.
After my divorce I realized two things - 1) Love isn't unconditional. You have to have conditions in order to have respect. No matter how loving and supportive someone can be, if you push them far enough, they can (and should) leave. My ex once told me that there was nothing I could do that would make him leave me, then got mad when I didn't echo his thoughts. The truth was, there were things he could do that would cause me to leave him like cheating, physical violence, etc.
Some people see unconditional love as romantic; others see it as carte blanche. People need boundaries and need to know that although you love them, you aren't going to be treated like a doormat to prove it and are willing to walk away if necessary. And while that statement may scare some people that want a guarantee of forever no matter what happens, it can also provide a comfort because it shows that you are staying with someone by choice, not obligation.
The other thing I realized during my marriage was that I had lost myself. It had never dawned on me just how much I was walking on eggshells and doing things to please my spouse at the cost of my own happiness just because he was so high maintenance and I wanted to seem supportive and avoid a fight, which although never turned physically violent, would involve him throwing things. Finally, one night after being pushed too far, I stood up for myself and pushed back. When I did, I found myself.
Since then, I vowed to never lose myself again. Hence the image that relationships have taken on in my head: one of suffocation, sadness, stress, panic, utter sacrifice and loss of self. Is that really what love was? And if so, why the hell would I want it?
I have to admit, I took some comfort in knowing that my friend felt the same way I did. At least I wasn't alone. In fact, the more people I talked to, the more I discovered just how many people were viewing love and relationships the same way I did. When it all came down to it, one person was the giver (the nurturer), and the other is the receiver.
The funny thing is, after everything, I still believed in love. Not the impending doom image of love, but real, crazy about each other, best friends, soul mates, lovers, spend the rest of your life together and still snuggle on the couch watching movies, holding hands when you're old, respectful, reciprocal, trustworthy, smile when you think of them, doesn't make sense love. Which is why I have avoided relationships. In my heart, I don't want to be proven wrong.
I want to... no... I need to know that it exists. I am still a huge commitment-phobe and for the first time in years, I am dating, ironically another commitment-phobe who has been very patient with me. And while that could mean we're doomed, it may just mean that we understand each other enough to take down our walls long enough to let each other in, even if we don't let anyone else enter. Only time will tell. But I know one thing for certain - I believe I'm willing to redefine my idea of love and be open to it because I'm worthy of it and I deserve to be loved like that.
Someone once said, "Do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always got." Well, I don't like what I've gotten so far, so I'm going to give it a shot. Right now, all I can do is try. Because when it all comes down to it, I want to live in a world where there is true love.
Don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single available in hardcover and Ebook/Kindle on Amazon.com Ebook link to Amazon and at Barnes and Noble.com
Author Shay Stone discusses everything from dating to Wilford Brimley in this sometimes serious, usually humorous, blog Seriously - WTH?
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Thursday, November 7, 2013
The Untaming of the Unicorn...
Today while listening to The Bert Show, I got so angry about the topic they were discussing that I almost drove off of the road trying to change the station. Now normally, I don't get emotional about these types of things, but this was different. The host was reading an article recently written by a man named Preston Waters titled, "Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns." It can pretty much be summed up like this:
Women are bad and no longer have morals or respect for themselves. Men want to sleep with everything that walks but want to marry a good girl with morals, standards, self-respect, and a hymen which is about as rare as a unicorn, according to him. However, if they do find a unicorn, they will cheat on her because she will bore them.
No really, click the link below and read the article...I'll wait.
Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns
Now, allow me to tell you why this is complete and utter crap. With the exception of the whole hymen being intact thing (hey I was married), I have always been what is considered to be a good girl... a unicorn, if you will. I don't have sex with random strangers. I don't steal, cheat, or do drugs. I have done and do charity work. I don't rely on any one to take care of me and as a bonus, I'm pretty freaking funny too.
You know what that got me. Single. Why? Because of men. You guys don't know what the hell you want. Part of it is from the wussification of the American male. Many of you can't hold a job (or won't). You have no idea how to be adults. Just because you live on your own (maybe) and have a job (maybe), that does NOT make you an adult or a grown up. Women are tired of being the good little girl that you seem to want. Why? Well allow me to use your own words, Preston:
You may have noticed that women aren't exactly lining up to get married anymore. There is a reason for this. See marriage used to be about partnership. Whether it was the Caveman era of men hunting and the women gathering or the 1950's when most women stayed home, took care of the house and children while the man went out and worked all day to earn the money, it boiled down to teamwork. Somehow, we have gotten away from that.Today, women not only spend all day working, they have to come home, take care of the house and children, be a sex goddess in bed, and take care of their man. This is not just merely my opinion, but that of several women, including a large majority of my married friends that claim their day goes something like this:
Woman's day: Get ready (and possibly get children ready). Go to work for 8+ hours. Come home from work. Stop at grocery store to get something for dinner. Make dinner. Clean house. Do laundry. Do dinner and breakfast dishes because for some reason, most men think that when they take a dish and place it in the sink a little fairy comes, washes them and puts them away so that they will magically be in the cupboard the next time you need them. Pay bills. (If you have children do homework, take to any sporting things, make sure they are relatively clean). Make sure all lights are off, doors are locked, blankets are folded, etc. Sit down with something to drink and get shit for what you want to watch because it's "stupid". Go to bed. Possibly have sex. Oh, and I forgot to throw in shopping for any birthday gifts or getting ready for any holidays that may be approaching which she will most likely lie awake half of the night trying to remember if there is anything else she is forgetting.
Husbands (or boyfriends) tend to wake up, go to work, come home, lie on the couch or do some sort of activity they enjoy like gaming, watching Sports Center, or tinkering with a car. Eat dinner. Return to the couch or activity. Go to bed. They don't want to do chores because it's not "fun"(really, because we would rather dust and vacuum than go out with our friends or get a massage any day) or they feel we should ask them to do these chores (hey buddy, it's your house too, I'm not your mother. Get off your ass!)
Now, before all of the men out there get their panties in a wad, allow me to say, I do understand that not all of you are like that. Some are single fathers and others do help their wives/girlfriends. But, being a member of the dating world, ex-married world, and now, happily single world, and also, having eyes and ears, I can tell you that those men are few and far between.
For a long time, it was expected that the woman would support the man's goals and the woman's goals would be put on the back burner because, well, the man made the money and the woman's "job" was to be emotionally supportive and encouraging for the betterment of the family. They would compliment each other, go places, and do things like join bridge clubs.
But then, something changed. Women started entering the work force and I'll admit it, in a way, we screwed ourselves. Guys were like WOO-HOO! This is great. All of the burden of providing for the family no longer falls on me. While women thought, sure! I can help with the bills...and he will help with the housework and kids.
This is where there was a breakdown in communication.
See, that didn't happen. And again, I am willing to claim some responsibility for that too...just not all of it. As women, growing up, a lot of time, you heard things like, "Don't bother your father with that. He worked all day" or "You can't expect a man to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries. They aren't into that kind of stuff." Yep, we made excuses. Some of us even went so far as to get offended when a man would ask us out and then not allow us to pay our share of the date. After all, we were making money. We should be on an equal playing field. Woo-hoo for women's lib!
Shit...
Now, not only do men not offer to pay but, in many instances, they don't even offer or make up an excuse as to why they can't pay their share. I cannot tell you the number of women I know that have gone out with a guy only to be told oops he forgot his wallet or to have him get the uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom as the cashier is ringing up dinner or movie tickets. This guy usually relies on the woman feeling bad for him, buying his bullshit, or being too embarrassed (or just plain shocked) to call him on it. The same goes with birthdays. They don't have money to buy their woman a gift, but have enough money to go out drinking with the guys or buy a new video game. I can tell you with relative certainty that at least 3 men that I dated for a decent period of time could not tell you my date of birth, how many brothers and sisters I have, or, if I even have any. They never asked about my dreams or ambitions even though I constantly asked and tried to support their's.
Now you can say, well, you shouldn't date those type of guys, but what you don't understand is a lot of men are like mini con-artists. They act one way in the beginning. They are doting and may even be romantic, and tell you how beautiful or smart you are and then pull a sort of bait and switch on you. They turn into this lecherous slack ass that puts you down or tries to demean you. And the nicer girl you are, the worse it seems to be because they seem to view you has an easy mark.
So, we got sick of it and realized we were becoming the men we wanted to marry. We pay our own rent/mortgages. We buy our own things. We take care of ourselves, and frankly, we are tired of dating (or marrying) men that expect us to be a maid, mother, freak in bed, nanny, cheerleader, and financial contributor when we get nothing (or very little) in return. Seriously, men want their women to wear sexy lingerie, maybe do a strip tease every once in awhile, etc. But, men, what have you done to prep for sex? Seriously, we are lucky if we even get a little bit of foreplay and then most of you bitch about having to do that. And sorry, but pulling off your clothes, lying down, and saying, "Hop on" does not count as foreplay.
With all of the crazy porn mags,websites, and lies their buddies tell them, men expect their women to be more and more freaky...but at the same time, they don't want her to have done anything to get that experience or worry about what else or who else she might have done. If a woman is a virgin she is a prude. If she enjoys sex, she is a slut. If we are inexperienced, you are bored with us. If we are knowledgeable, we must be whores. If we dress provocatively we are hookers. If we dress conservatively, you ignore us. We are tired of trying to figure out what you want. So we stopped trying and started thinking about what we want.
Now we dress for us. We make our own money. Buy our own things. And aren't going to put up with you telling us that your dreams are more important than our's or that you don't have to do things like buy us cards or flowers because that's "not your thing". You know what, if it isn't your thing, that means we don't have to do it for you. But if it is our thing, then every so often, you should do it for us. Not because we made you, but because you want to.
Men need to stop asking how a woman should be a woman and worry more about how a man should be a man. Stop questioning what we bring to the relationship and start asking what you bring. Do you have a job? Goals? Manners? Good relationships with friends/family? Do you do anything to better your community or the world? Are you capable of monogamy? Are you a cheerleader for your wife(or girlfriend) or kids? Do you make an effort in bed?
I like sex...and I'm not ashamed of it and neither are 90% of my friends. It is a great stress reliever, a way to connect with someone, it makes you feel sexy, boosts your mood, and it's fun. I am not going to act like Mother Theresa and take a vow of abstinence while I wait for a great guy to come along...a unicorn if you will. And, not that there have been a lot but I have had lovers and I chose them very carefully. I'm not out picking up strangers every night in a bar but that said, have I ever sent someone I have a relationship with sexy pictures of myself or sexted? You bet your ass I have. I'm not posting it on Facebook or sending them to every person I meet because that's not who I am. It doesn't mean that isn't what works for someone else. Who am I to judge? Maybe that makes someone feel sexy. Maybe someone doesn't have the time for a relationship and would rather get involved with a stranger than risk screwing up a friendship with sex. It's not my place to judge what works for who just like it isn't your's.
Women shouldn't be (and aren't) making apologies for being strong, independent, sexual beings that know what we want. It's not that we've lost respect for ourselves. It's that we've found it. There are always going to be people that share too much in some people's opinions and don't share enough in other people's opinions. The thing is, if you care about what everyone else thinks is right and wrong, you are going to have a pretty miserable life. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But one thing we can't do is worry about what men want because the truth is you are fickle as hell and all want something different depending on the day.
Men (and their mothers) used to have a saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well in keeping with the barnyard animal theme, women came up with one of our own: Why by the whole pig when all you want is some sausage? Or in this case...a little horn?
Women are bad and no longer have morals or respect for themselves. Men want to sleep with everything that walks but want to marry a good girl with morals, standards, self-respect, and a hymen which is about as rare as a unicorn, according to him. However, if they do find a unicorn, they will cheat on her because she will bore them.
No really, click the link below and read the article...I'll wait.
Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns
Now, allow me to tell you why this is complete and utter crap. With the exception of the whole hymen being intact thing (hey I was married), I have always been what is considered to be a good girl... a unicorn, if you will. I don't have sex with random strangers. I don't steal, cheat, or do drugs. I have done and do charity work. I don't rely on any one to take care of me and as a bonus, I'm pretty freaking funny too.
You know what that got me. Single. Why? Because of men. You guys don't know what the hell you want. Part of it is from the wussification of the American male. Many of you can't hold a job (or won't). You have no idea how to be adults. Just because you live on your own (maybe) and have a job (maybe), that does NOT make you an adult or a grown up. Women are tired of being the good little girl that you seem to want. Why? Well allow me to use your own words, Preston:
You may have noticed that women aren't exactly lining up to get married anymore. There is a reason for this. See marriage used to be about partnership. Whether it was the Caveman era of men hunting and the women gathering or the 1950's when most women stayed home, took care of the house and children while the man went out and worked all day to earn the money, it boiled down to teamwork. Somehow, we have gotten away from that.Today, women not only spend all day working, they have to come home, take care of the house and children, be a sex goddess in bed, and take care of their man. This is not just merely my opinion, but that of several women, including a large majority of my married friends that claim their day goes something like this:
Woman's day: Get ready (and possibly get children ready). Go to work for 8+ hours. Come home from work. Stop at grocery store to get something for dinner. Make dinner. Clean house. Do laundry. Do dinner and breakfast dishes because for some reason, most men think that when they take a dish and place it in the sink a little fairy comes, washes them and puts them away so that they will magically be in the cupboard the next time you need them. Pay bills. (If you have children do homework, take to any sporting things, make sure they are relatively clean). Make sure all lights are off, doors are locked, blankets are folded, etc. Sit down with something to drink and get shit for what you want to watch because it's "stupid". Go to bed. Possibly have sex. Oh, and I forgot to throw in shopping for any birthday gifts or getting ready for any holidays that may be approaching which she will most likely lie awake half of the night trying to remember if there is anything else she is forgetting.
Husbands (or boyfriends) tend to wake up, go to work, come home, lie on the couch or do some sort of activity they enjoy like gaming, watching Sports Center, or tinkering with a car. Eat dinner. Return to the couch or activity. Go to bed. They don't want to do chores because it's not "fun"(really, because we would rather dust and vacuum than go out with our friends or get a massage any day) or they feel we should ask them to do these chores (hey buddy, it's your house too, I'm not your mother. Get off your ass!)
Now, before all of the men out there get their panties in a wad, allow me to say, I do understand that not all of you are like that. Some are single fathers and others do help their wives/girlfriends. But, being a member of the dating world, ex-married world, and now, happily single world, and also, having eyes and ears, I can tell you that those men are few and far between.
For a long time, it was expected that the woman would support the man's goals and the woman's goals would be put on the back burner because, well, the man made the money and the woman's "job" was to be emotionally supportive and encouraging for the betterment of the family. They would compliment each other, go places, and do things like join bridge clubs.
But then, something changed. Women started entering the work force and I'll admit it, in a way, we screwed ourselves. Guys were like WOO-HOO! This is great. All of the burden of providing for the family no longer falls on me. While women thought, sure! I can help with the bills...and he will help with the housework and kids.
This is where there was a breakdown in communication.
See, that didn't happen. And again, I am willing to claim some responsibility for that too...just not all of it. As women, growing up, a lot of time, you heard things like, "Don't bother your father with that. He worked all day" or "You can't expect a man to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries. They aren't into that kind of stuff." Yep, we made excuses. Some of us even went so far as to get offended when a man would ask us out and then not allow us to pay our share of the date. After all, we were making money. We should be on an equal playing field. Woo-hoo for women's lib!
Shit...
Now, not only do men not offer to pay but, in many instances, they don't even offer or make up an excuse as to why they can't pay their share. I cannot tell you the number of women I know that have gone out with a guy only to be told oops he forgot his wallet or to have him get the uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom as the cashier is ringing up dinner or movie tickets. This guy usually relies on the woman feeling bad for him, buying his bullshit, or being too embarrassed (or just plain shocked) to call him on it. The same goes with birthdays. They don't have money to buy their woman a gift, but have enough money to go out drinking with the guys or buy a new video game. I can tell you with relative certainty that at least 3 men that I dated for a decent period of time could not tell you my date of birth, how many brothers and sisters I have, or, if I even have any. They never asked about my dreams or ambitions even though I constantly asked and tried to support their's.
Now you can say, well, you shouldn't date those type of guys, but what you don't understand is a lot of men are like mini con-artists. They act one way in the beginning. They are doting and may even be romantic, and tell you how beautiful or smart you are and then pull a sort of bait and switch on you. They turn into this lecherous slack ass that puts you down or tries to demean you. And the nicer girl you are, the worse it seems to be because they seem to view you has an easy mark.
So, we got sick of it and realized we were becoming the men we wanted to marry. We pay our own rent/mortgages. We buy our own things. We take care of ourselves, and frankly, we are tired of dating (or marrying) men that expect us to be a maid, mother, freak in bed, nanny, cheerleader, and financial contributor when we get nothing (or very little) in return. Seriously, men want their women to wear sexy lingerie, maybe do a strip tease every once in awhile, etc. But, men, what have you done to prep for sex? Seriously, we are lucky if we even get a little bit of foreplay and then most of you bitch about having to do that. And sorry, but pulling off your clothes, lying down, and saying, "Hop on" does not count as foreplay.
With all of the crazy porn mags,websites, and lies their buddies tell them, men expect their women to be more and more freaky...but at the same time, they don't want her to have done anything to get that experience or worry about what else or who else she might have done. If a woman is a virgin she is a prude. If she enjoys sex, she is a slut. If we are inexperienced, you are bored with us. If we are knowledgeable, we must be whores. If we dress provocatively we are hookers. If we dress conservatively, you ignore us. We are tired of trying to figure out what you want. So we stopped trying and started thinking about what we want.
Now we dress for us. We make our own money. Buy our own things. And aren't going to put up with you telling us that your dreams are more important than our's or that you don't have to do things like buy us cards or flowers because that's "not your thing". You know what, if it isn't your thing, that means we don't have to do it for you. But if it is our thing, then every so often, you should do it for us. Not because we made you, but because you want to.
Men need to stop asking how a woman should be a woman and worry more about how a man should be a man. Stop questioning what we bring to the relationship and start asking what you bring. Do you have a job? Goals? Manners? Good relationships with friends/family? Do you do anything to better your community or the world? Are you capable of monogamy? Are you a cheerleader for your wife(or girlfriend) or kids? Do you make an effort in bed?
I like sex...and I'm not ashamed of it and neither are 90% of my friends. It is a great stress reliever, a way to connect with someone, it makes you feel sexy, boosts your mood, and it's fun. I am not going to act like Mother Theresa and take a vow of abstinence while I wait for a great guy to come along...a unicorn if you will. And, not that there have been a lot but I have had lovers and I chose them very carefully. I'm not out picking up strangers every night in a bar but that said, have I ever sent someone I have a relationship with sexy pictures of myself or sexted? You bet your ass I have. I'm not posting it on Facebook or sending them to every person I meet because that's not who I am. It doesn't mean that isn't what works for someone else. Who am I to judge? Maybe that makes someone feel sexy. Maybe someone doesn't have the time for a relationship and would rather get involved with a stranger than risk screwing up a friendship with sex. It's not my place to judge what works for who just like it isn't your's.
Women shouldn't be (and aren't) making apologies for being strong, independent, sexual beings that know what we want. It's not that we've lost respect for ourselves. It's that we've found it. There are always going to be people that share too much in some people's opinions and don't share enough in other people's opinions. The thing is, if you care about what everyone else thinks is right and wrong, you are going to have a pretty miserable life. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But one thing we can't do is worry about what men want because the truth is you are fickle as hell and all want something different depending on the day.
Men (and their mothers) used to have a saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well in keeping with the barnyard animal theme, women came up with one of our own: Why by the whole pig when all you want is some sausage? Or in this case...a little horn?
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Video Post -
OK, so this is a little different from my regular posts. I decided to throw these on tonight because well, 1) I have already made them and 2) I don't want to watch anymore election crap. Tell me who won and lets get back to cleaning up the country!
Anyway, if you guys are bored I'd be interested in your thoughts. I am going to try to post some links below that I have posted on my FB author page. I still get nervous doing them. Let me know what you think. 3 are about relationships and 1 is about how to deal with Ocular Migraines- I'll let you figure out which ones are which. The break-up and migraine one are more serious, the other two will have some of my usual sarcasm infused;)
How To Get Through A Break-up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmcbYP9pvTg&feature=youtu.be
Great Date to Total Flake:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD-AfLTfwsk&feature=g-upl
Where To Meet Men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPlzD2eCMrM&feature=youtu.be
Pain, Pain Ocular Migraine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwMO6zI0bOQ&feature=share
I'm off to support my favorite party...the cocktail party! I encourage you to do the same. Cheers!
Anyway, if you guys are bored I'd be interested in your thoughts. I am going to try to post some links below that I have posted on my FB author page. I still get nervous doing them. Let me know what you think. 3 are about relationships and 1 is about how to deal with Ocular Migraines- I'll let you figure out which ones are which. The break-up and migraine one are more serious, the other two will have some of my usual sarcasm infused;)
How To Get Through A Break-up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmcbYP9pvTg&feature=youtu.be
Great Date to Total Flake:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD-AfLTfwsk&feature=g-upl
Where To Meet Men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPlzD2eCMrM&feature=youtu.be
Pain, Pain Ocular Migraine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwMO6zI0bOQ&feature=share
I'm off to support my favorite party...the cocktail party! I encourage you to do the same. Cheers!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)
Today as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha...boobs...and I get to touch them.
See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.
See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.
(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)
Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)
Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);
Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.
Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.
Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"
Thought #6: Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)
Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"
Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!
Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?
Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?
Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)
Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?
(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...
Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone
Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);
Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.
Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.
Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"
Thought #6: Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)
Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"
Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!
Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?
Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)
Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?
Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)
Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?
Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?
(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...
Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
After Wife
Why After Wife?
Well, I am recently divorced and therefore most of my blogs will consist of things done after I was a wife. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy and sentimental and talk about how my ex sucks or how I wish I had him back. Neither is true. Besides, it isn't my style.
However, I do find myself being in the odd, yet very common position of being newly single and having to decide what the hell I'm going to do with my life now. Yes, sorry to say the vision I had of white picket fences and 2.5 kids didn't quite pan out. Although to be honest, my vision was more like a contemporay house near the beach with a couple of dogs running around. Besides, who ever heard of .5 of a kid? Still I digress.
This is the second time my life has done a complete 180, which in theory, should now bring me back to where I originally started. When I was 20, I was in a car accident that left me barely able to read or look at a computer. Once on the Dean's list, I was forced to drop out of school and quit work. Suddenly, the intelligent, former Miss Teen All American Semi Finalist that had the world by the butt had been reduced to a life that consisted of surgeries and living on my parents' couch. But, like a good little girl, I overcame. I pulled myself out of the hole, found a new life, with new dreams, and eventually a new husband.
Um yeah, about that...
So, here I am. Only I'm not 20 years old, living with mom and dad (thank God for that), and able to run around with my single friends. No, my single friends are all married.
Now, I'm living in Georgia, being hit on by men that are either married (ewww), old enough to be my father (even more ewwwwwww), or are so young that I am not certain if they are trying to pick me up because they think I'm hot or because they want me to buy them beer.
That said, my blog will consist of a number of things ranging from the mobile vet that recently texted me after getting my phone number off the contact sheet I filled out when my dog got his shots - Seriously, you drive around in a mobilized operating room. Doesn't that just scream modern day Jack The Ripper? -to the furry, moldy, angry looking cheese I found behind the veggie drawer in the bottom of my refrigerator that I am certain is trying to recruit the other cheeses and plot a takeover.
It is my hopes that sometimes my blog will make you laugh. Sometimes it will make you think. But it will always make you realize, you are not alone and someone out there is going through the same craziness that you are...maybe even more so.
Well, I am recently divorced and therefore most of my blogs will consist of things done after I was a wife. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy and sentimental and talk about how my ex sucks or how I wish I had him back. Neither is true. Besides, it isn't my style.
However, I do find myself being in the odd, yet very common position of being newly single and having to decide what the hell I'm going to do with my life now. Yes, sorry to say the vision I had of white picket fences and 2.5 kids didn't quite pan out. Although to be honest, my vision was more like a contemporay house near the beach with a couple of dogs running around. Besides, who ever heard of .5 of a kid? Still I digress.
This is the second time my life has done a complete 180, which in theory, should now bring me back to where I originally started. When I was 20, I was in a car accident that left me barely able to read or look at a computer. Once on the Dean's list, I was forced to drop out of school and quit work. Suddenly, the intelligent, former Miss Teen All American Semi Finalist that had the world by the butt had been reduced to a life that consisted of surgeries and living on my parents' couch. But, like a good little girl, I overcame. I pulled myself out of the hole, found a new life, with new dreams, and eventually a new husband.
Um yeah, about that...
So, here I am. Only I'm not 20 years old, living with mom and dad (thank God for that), and able to run around with my single friends. No, my single friends are all married.
Now, I'm living in Georgia, being hit on by men that are either married (ewww), old enough to be my father (even more ewwwwwww), or are so young that I am not certain if they are trying to pick me up because they think I'm hot or because they want me to buy them beer.
That said, my blog will consist of a number of things ranging from the mobile vet that recently texted me after getting my phone number off the contact sheet I filled out when my dog got his shots - Seriously, you drive around in a mobilized operating room. Doesn't that just scream modern day Jack The Ripper? -to the furry, moldy, angry looking cheese I found behind the veggie drawer in the bottom of my refrigerator that I am certain is trying to recruit the other cheeses and plot a takeover.
It is my hopes that sometimes my blog will make you laugh. Sometimes it will make you think. But it will always make you realize, you are not alone and someone out there is going through the same craziness that you are...maybe even more so.
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