Monday, November 21, 2011

All I DON'T Want for Christmas Is...

As Black Friday (also my birthday) approaches I would like to take a moment to implore my friends and family: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not buy me a Forever Lazy onesie by Snuggie.

A few years ago, the Snuggie launched an infomercial assault on the unsuspecting public. Soon everyone ditched their comfy but unwearable blankets and were clamouring for these super soft, cuddly, backwards robes. After all, what sane person would want to wear an old-fashioned forward robe when you could easily slip into a backward one?

Snuggies started showing up under Christmas trees everywhere. Don't know what to buy someone for Christmas or their birthday? Give them a Snuggie. Who wouldn't love a Snuggie? Even the name makes you feel all warn and cozy. Plus, to ensnare us even further into the Snuggie web, they enticed us with cool new colors, animal prints and of course, the creme de le creme of Snuggies, college sports team Snuggies.

Yes, the creators rode the Snuggie wave all the way to the bank.

But now what? If everyone already has a Snuggie, how will they sell more? Will the Snuggie suffer the same fate as Cabbage Patch Kids, the Hula Hoop, Teddy Ruxpin and other one hit retail wonders?

Fear not my fellow consumers. The Snuggie creators are way to innovative to let this trend that took us by storm just fade away. I give to you: The Forever Lazy.

Remember feety Pajamas? The ones that your mom use to dress you up in as a kid, then send you to bed to roast and sweat buckets for the entire night. They had rubber non-slip pads on the bottom that if you rubbed your feet really fast on the carpet, you could walk up to an unsuspecting friend or sibling and shock the hell out of them. Well, the Forever Lazy allows you to relive those days without the fun of the unsuspecting shock. They are feetless, fleece pajamas...I'm sorry, outfits...that keep you toasty. And unlike the Snuggie, they're totally wearable and there is one for every occasion. Work Blue for those days at the office. Black for cocktails with friends. Hanky Pinky Fuscia when you are feeling romantic. And because they come complete with a hoodie, you and your friends can even wear them to the big game. Sounds to good to be true, right? Wait there is more! As a bonus, if you buy one now, the good old Snuggie Corporation will even throw in an extra Snuggie and matching footie socks so that you won't even have to worry about shoes!

I know what you're thinking. Sure they're stylish, but what if I have to go to the bathroom? No worries my friend. The Forever Lazy comes with a restroom friendly hatch. You can simply undo the hatch, drop off some kids at the pool, then zip up without ever leaving your comfy fleece jumper.

So, why wouldn't I want the latest craze sweeping the nation? Two reasons. First, I was never fond of Teletubbies, which, as far as I am concerned, is the look you are going for when sporting this ensemble. Pick your color, zip it up and pull up the hood and pretend you are Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa or Po. I would like to say in an effort to not lose all credibility that I did not know those names, I had to look them up.

Second, I haven't completely given up on myself as a human being. The Forever Lazy, or as I like to refer to it, The Hopeless Slackass is for those people that have just said, "F*%k it! I give up on clothes, dating, romance, work and dammit, I'm going to be comfortable."

So please, with my birthday and Christmas coming up, if you really love me, give me a gift certificate, a card or even a hug, but save the Forever Lazy for all of the slothful George Costanzas, the insanely thin Lindsey Lohans and Olsen twins and the fashionably challenged Courtney Loves and Bjorks of the world. Although I must admit a swan dress is better than a Teletubbies outfit.

I'm going to go cuddle under my Snuggie now.

Interested in a Forever Lazy or just want to see this fashion marvel for yourself? Well, of course I wouldn't leave you hanging: . Get your's today! Just don't buy one for me. Honest, I'm good;)

1 comment:

  1. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Wow... add me to that do not buy list, ya?