Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Unknown Peer Pressure of Birds

In the steel trap that is my mind (Yeah right!), I often find fleeting thoughts rattling around in there. Okay, honestly, most of them aren't fleeting. In fact sometimes, my mind goes off on a tangeant and I have to be jarred back to reality by something like an angry horn and some profanities from the driver behind me as I sit still at a green light.

The bad news is, in an effort to reassure myself that I am not completely off my rocker, I often share these thoughts with my Facebook friends. For example, do people that shop at Walmart have mirrors? What the hell does martinizing mean? Does anyone really care where Waldo is? If my dogs are willing to eat cat poop and lick their genitals, why won't they eat my meatloaf?

Today's random thought came to me this morning while driving. A flock of birds were congregated on a telephone wire as they often do when one decided to fly at my car at warp speed narrowly missing my front tire. This made me come up with a theory. Do birds sit up on the wire & in their little birdie language chirp, "Okay, I am going to fly as fast as I can at a downward angle, just missing the grill of that car and land on that branch."

The the other bird, not wanting to be out done and hoping to look tough in front of his little bird friends is like, "Oh Yeah? Well, I am not only going to fly close to the car, I am going to fly under the car between the front and back tires while it is moving, then circle back and poop on the newly washed SUV behind it."

If he succeeds, he is revered as a hero and a legend among birds. If he fails, he is accused of giving into peer pressure and becomes a cautionary tale of roadkill that some lucky cat or vulture will stumble upon (Cannibals!)

I have a similar view for squirrels. Anyone else agree w/this theory?


  1. OH, totally! Those guys annoy and fascinate me at the same time. How did that homie not die after barreling toward my car and missing my windshield by only 1/4 of an inch?

    Same with squirrels. Those guys run across a busy street with such skill, I get caught up in it and then sit at lights for too long or veer into another lane.

    I probably shouldn't be allowed on the road.

  2. The squirrels and birds plan their close calls out of respect for an Eastern tradition. This tradition claims that we are sometimes shadowed by evil spirits. In order to rid ourselves of the spirits, we must somehow find a way to bring them into the path of harm.

    One of the easiest ways to place these evil spirits in harm's way is to have a close call with a large, fast, moving object such as a bus, truck, or car. The closer you can get yourself to the vehicle, the more likely you are to leave the evil spirit splattered all across the grill.

    I believe that birds, squirrels, and drunken bag-ladies must be particularly besieged with malevolent entities. The fuggers always seem to want to be right in front of me...

  3. Vernon- Wow, that is a pretty cool explanation, and if it really is true, I've taken out some evil spirits in my time. Apparently one of my child hood dreams has come true - I'm a Ghostbuster! BTW,watch out for those drunken bag ladies. I hear they can really do some damage to your car!