You can't explain it. You don't know what it is, but there is just something there. Some visceral, chemical, unexplainable, magnetic attraction between you and this one particular guy. Every time you see him he makes your thing ping. He has a way of looking at you, smiling at you, saying your name, that immediately sends chills up and down your spine. You can feel the adrenaline pumping and your heart rate increase as the excitement and anticipation builds. The only thoughts you are able to formulate are naughty ones. All you can think about is ripping off his clothes and doing nasty (fun) things together.
There is only one problem - he is completely wrong for you and you know it. He has some deep personality flaw that lets you know for certain you could never actually date him. Maybe he has an addiction problem that he has no interest in trying to kick, or is an over the top Mama's boy. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he is a completely self-absorbed total flake or has a major commitment phobia. Maybe you clash on too many important issues. Whatever the reason, you know that if you were ever to enter into a relationship with him, it would be a total disaster.
But still, you can't deny that chemistry. Every time you see him your knees get weak and you are powerless to resist him. He is your kryptonite.
Why he is keeping you single -
The attraction between the two of you is so strong and the sex is so good that it can begin to cloud your judgment. He is like a drug you just can't get enough. The thought of his touch makes you quiver with excitement. The verbal and nonverbal foreplay makes you giddy, like a schoolgirl about to be touched for the first time. The temporary high and release of hormones and endorphins are so intoxicating that you find yourself questioning whether or not you could actually have a relationship with him. You start to think, who needs kids? Is a cocaine addiction really that bad? So he has a wife... is it really that big of a deal?
Yes, it is that big of a deal.
Although you may not see it right away, eventually when the steam dissipates, the sweat is wiped away, the orgasms are over, and the smell of sex clears the air you'll discover you aren't left with much else. The issues you thought could be overlooked or hoped would work themselves out will soon be glaring at you as you sit across the dinner table from each other in dead silence or have a knockdown-dragout fight for the 20th time.
At first, you may "solve" the problems by not dealing with them. Whenever issues come up and a fight or deafening silence ensues, you end the fight or break the silence by having mind-blowing sex. You may even get to the point where it almost feels like foreplay. Or maybe you choose to avoid the touchy subjects altogether. What you don't do is deal with them because you know you can't.
I'll admit, when you have a primal connection like this, it is hard to just end it. You want that feeling. You fear you may not find it again. That is why it is important to be honest with yourself and explore the reason for the attraction. Do you like that he is so different from you? Is he the first guy that ever made you have an orgasm and you are afraid you won't be able to have one with someone else? Do you have commitment issues and like the safety of knowing that you would never get serious with him? Is he the first person that you have ever been able to be open with about your sexual needs and desires? Do you like that he takes control? Or maybe you like the excitement and power of knowing that he finds you so attractive and irresistible?
Whatever the reason, once you identify it, you may gain insight into yourself and discover why your other relationships haven't worked out. For instance, are you afraid that someone you could see having a future with or marrying would judge you for your fetishes or sexual appetite? Maybe you're scared they wouldn't think you were girlfriend or wife material? Perhaps you had an ex-boyfriend that was intimidated by your sexuality? Or had a parent that, under the guise of religion, made you feel like sexual urges and desires were something to be ashamed of and were bad.
Once you get to the root of your attraction, it can help you to be more open to a new relationship with someone that has similar ideals and doesn't come with too much baggage for you to entertain a commitment. You'll realize that your needs are important and how necessary it is to be open about them. By acknowledging your needs you will be able to better communicate them with your partner, allowing you to forge that connection and create sexual chemistry.
Just so we're clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking a lover. If you are single, and he is single, and you aren't ready for a relationship for some reason or another, then, by all means, take a lover. But the minute you decide you want a deeper commitment and are ready to date then you have to end it with Mr. Kryptonite. After all, if you don't get away from it, eventually kryptonite can weaken and destroy you.
Be sure to watch for my next blog post about another type of guy that is keeping you single. And don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Women now available on Kindle and for the iPad.