Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Things Women Wish Men Knew

Recently, actually I think it was yesterday, I read an article online about things men wish women knew. It contained things like "women need to stop making a big deal about and get over the fact that men leave the toilet seat up" and  if we ask a man to do something, then bitch that it isn't done the way we wanted it done, we should just do it ourselves and save men the hassle. Well, I decided since men always complain that they don't know what women are thinking, I'd try to clear some things up.

1). First, I'd like to address the toilet seat thing. Here is why it is a big deal that you leave it up. Have you ever fallen in? Probably not. That is because you stand up to pee. I guarantee if you got up in the middle of the night, all groggy, stumbled into the bathroom, went to sit down only to find yourself wedged into a porcelain ass trap, you're opinion would be different. Imagine yourself folded into a human sandwich as your butt hits ice cold toilet water that splashes all over you and your PJs, then have  to pull yourself out without peeing on yourself.

Let's face it, most guys drain the snake, give it a shake, and are off, hopefully remembering to flush before they go on their way. Most don't bother to notice the stray pee that has dripped and the curly hairs that have flown off and are now left for all to see. Major ick factor! It takes two seconds to put it back down. It takes 20 minutes to have to get out of the toilet, clean up, change your pajamas and then go pee and try to get back to sleep. Plus it pisses us off. And let's face it - you don't like us when we're pissed off.

2.)We get it. You don't want to hear about the Bachelorette or Project Runway, or any other show you think is cheesy women's crap. But if you can watch 1000 Ways to Die, Duck Dynasty, or 2 football games in a row with us being nice enough to suck it up and watch it with you (or at least not bitch about it), can't you do the same sometimes without rolling your eyes or making condescending remarks? We don't expect you to like the show, but we do like spending time with you and the fact that you are showing an interest in something we like. However, if you are just going to be an ass, then remain silent, go do something else and leave us alone to watch our guilty pleasure.

3.) And on that note, yeah, we expect you to remember our birthdays and anniversaries. Why? Because you should that's why. If you can deem things like Babe Ruth's batting average, the number of sacks Tom Brady took during his years as a Wolverine, and Kate Upton's body measurements important enough to commit to memory, then, yeah, we think you should remember the day the woman that has sex with you regularly and washes your dirty underwear was born and when you started dating/got married.

4.) "I'm not into cards or flowers or things like that. That's just not who I am." A lot of men use this as an excuse to not do things for their girlfriend/wife. If YOU aren't into cards and flowers and stuff, then that means she doesn't have to get that stuff for YOU. If your girl isn't into that stuff, fine, you're off the hook. BUT if she is into it, then once every couple months, pick up a damn card or bring her flowers. She is telling you that those are things that make her feel loved. In fact, you don't even have to buy her anything. Stick a note in her lunch that she can stumble upon that simply says, "I love you" or "You are so beautiful." Trust me, we eat that crap up!

5.) Yes, we do need all of those shoes.

6.) Housework -  One of the biggest things I hear women complain about is housework, and I swear it has accounted for many divorces. I have to be honest, it blows my mind that there are men out there that feel we should ask you to pick up your dishes or do chores. News Flash: No magic fairy comes in and  picks up your crap, washes it, and then puts it back where it belongs. And it sure as hell doesn't grow legs and walk itself there.

It is your house too. You're not a kid. We aren't your mother. You can see what needs to be done just as easily as we can. This isn't the 1950's. Men don't work all day while women stay at home and clean. Women work all day too. And surprise, surprise! We don't feel like cleaning at night or doing laundry on the weekends either, but we're grown-ups, so we do it. When you don't do your share or expect us to ask you to help, it makes us feel like you think we are beneath you. Whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it translates to us. And if we have to ask you to do it 12 times, that's not nagging. That's our way of saying you're being a lazy, inconsiderate jerk so get off your ass and help us. If you don't want us to treat you like a child or nag, then be a big grown-up and do your share.

7.) "But when I do something, she says I do it wrong." OK, first off, we're on to the whole do-a-bad-job-so-we-won't-ask-you-to-do-it-again thing. If you know your wife/girlfriend likes things done a certain way, ask her to show you and learn. You know what kind of beer your friends like. You know the proper steps you have to do to wax a car. If it's that important to her, then learn how she likes the damn towels folded. Or learn to read labels so you don't shrink her clothes. And if learning is too hard or she is insistent on washing her own clothes, then wash your's or throw in a load of towels or tell her if she does the laundry, you'll do the vacuuming. Let's face it, if she wasn't around you would have to do it all yourself. Just because you are together, doesn't mean you suddenly got a maid. And no, lifting your feet up while she vacuums is not considered helping.

8.) You do not babysit your kids when your wife/girlfriend is out. They are YOUR kids too. She needs time to herself to be alone or go out with the girls just like you need time with the guys. So don't ho and hum and act like you're doing this gianormous favor when you stay home with the kids. Your job did not stop after you made your sperm deposit.

9.) If we ask you if we look fat don't look, don't think, just say, "No" and for bonus points, tell us we're always beautiful. I understand how men think this can get annoying. Just try to understand that the women in magazines and on TV keep shrinking. They are also airbrushed to perfection and have personal trainers and chefs. In addition to those things, women's bodies are weird. We get bloated at certain times of the month and it can make us go up a size or two and feel self conscious. Be sensitive. Don't point to us lying on the couch and say, "Hey look! A beached whale." You may think you're funny, but we don't.

Understand that we are constantly being reminded that men are visual creatures. Let's face it, the women men normally look at are supermodels in bikinis or lingerie. You don't here a lot of men saying, "Wow, Adele is super sexy."  If we only hear you saying women that are a size 0 are hot and we are a size 8 or more, yeah, we're going to be worried that you aren't attracted to us and think we're fat.

Not to mention, women in general can be mean. Have you ever been at a pool and had one of your male friends point to some guy and say," OMG, he should not be wearing that bathing suit." Probably not. Women here it all the time. We are constantly being judged by women and men. So every so often, yeah, we get a little insecure. Tell us how sexy you think we are when we least expect it. I promise it will pay off. Women are more sexual when they are secure. So if you want to get some... give some (compliments that is). Also, if you do this for us, we promise not to comment on your receding hairline or refer to any body parts below the waist as "cute" or "little."

10.) "But I married you (or we're dating) so you should know I think you're beautiful." This is total and complete crap. If you work out, you want us to notice. If you get a new car, you want us to compliment you on it, even when you've had it for 5 years. If you can pay a compliment to your friend's deck building ability, prowess in fantasy drafts, or your best friend's wife's new haircut, you can throw us a little compliment every once in a while. If not, don't get mad if you find yourself alone because someone else said what you didn't think was important enough to say or you assumed we knew.

11.) If you are in a relationship with us, don't treat us like a dirty little secret. This especially applies to new relationships. We want someone that is proud to be with us and wants to let the world know we are his girlfriend. It's not like we want you to pull a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on Oprah's couch professing your undying love (besides, that didn't work out too well for Tom anyway), but we do want to be acknowledged.

Look, we all know those guys, whether they are in their 20's or 50's, that think it's not cool to say they are in a happy relationship out of fear that their friends will think they are whipped or because they still need attention from other women to have their ego stroked. If you feel like that, you are too immature to be in a relationship (and you may need new friends). We just want to know if you are that guy so we can move on. But if you like us, would it kill you to comment on a FB post or introduce us to your friends? There is a difference between keeping our relationship private and keeping us a secret. On that note, ladies, if he doesn't call, text you back, take you out in public, or introduce you to his friends or family after a few weeks, then he is either married or not interested. Don't chase. Just move on.

12.) We don't want or expect you to solve every problem we have. Men tend to be fixers. So if we come to you with a problem, you assume we want you to fix it. We don't. Sometimes we just need you to listen so that we can say our problem out loud and come up with our own solution. Other times, we just want you to agree that so-and-so was being a total bitch when she said we were too old to be wearing a certain dress. We want you to listen and be empathetic or sympathetic. It helps us bond and makes us feel like you genuinely care about what is going on in our life and what's important to us. It's not about solving problems. It's about connecting. Be happy that we respect and care enough about your opinion to share things with you. Offer a few words that let us know you are listening, then offer us a nice shoulder massage or foot rub, or to make us a cup of tea.

13.) I said it before, men our visual. Women are more emotional. Most men can see a boob and be ready to go. Most women need a little foreplay. This can be kissing, sitting on the couch holding hands, or giving us a sexy wink across the table at dinner. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a quickie. We're not asking for candlelight and a bed full of rose petals every time we have sex, but we would like something a little more romantic than having you pull down your pants and telling us to "hop on."

OK, so those are a few of the things women wish men knew. Before some of you get all snarky and start bashing everything, allow me to say, yes, I know some women are more sloppy than men; some women (this one included) love football and have no problem talking stats; and of course, some of you do housework without being asked, buy flowers and are model boyfriends/husbands. If you do all of these things, then guess what, this post doesn't apply to you.

But for those of you that this does apply to, remember to take the time to appreciate the person you are with and show them that they are important to you, whether it is with a card, cleaning the house, or an unsolicited squeeze from behind or kiss on the back of the head as you walk by. It's the little things that make a relationship. If you are going to be late, call. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Ask us how our day was and what dreams we have. These are the things that really matter. Actions speak louder than words. It's all about making someone feel loved, respected and appreciated. It is also the difference between having an extremely pissed off, resentful girlfriend/wife that secretly (or not so secretly) thinks you're a chauvinistic ass and will make your life miserable and having a happy, loving, confident partner that loves you and wants to have sex because she thinks you are wonderful and wants to show you.

I'm just sayin'.

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