Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Things That Piss me Off

After a particularly frustrating day yesterday that included, but was not limited to, dog poop with worms in it, being stuck in a department store when it lost power, a flea investation that left me with so many flea bites a blind person could mistake my body for Braille, and me almost T-boning someone because they didn't look when they turned, I have decided to vent. I have comprised a list of things that people need to stop doing so that I don't kill them. This particular list will refer to driving.

1.) Learn to drive - Contrary to popular belief, especially in the South, a light sprinkle does NOT mean that you must slow down to a snail's pace every time a rain drop hits your windshield. When you are being passed by and flipped off by turtles because you are going 4 in a 55mph it's time to pick-up the pace. That thing next to the's called a gas pedal. USE IT!

2.) You can't talk and drive. I know YOU think you can, but you can't. You are going 10 miles below the speed limit and drifting like a recovering alcoholic that just discovered flavored Vodka. If you must talk and drive at least get in the slow lane so the rest of us that aren't preoccupied with getting the latest tidbit on what Miley Cyrus is dry humping can pass you.

3.)  When you are about to pull out of a driveway, street, etc. look to see if there is anything behind me. 9 times out of 10 there is not. So before you haul ass out in front of me, making me slam on my brakes and then look at me like I'm the asshole, look to see if traffic would be completely clear before you endanger both our lives.This also applies to the person who flies 3 lanes over without even looking to get off on their exit because they were't paying attention and decides that because they want to get over, everyone else will just have to deal with it and get the hell out of the way, you know, because the world revolves around them. I'm sorry to tell you (wait, no I'm not) YOU are an asshole!

4.) Hey you! The one that goes 35 in a 70, but when I try to go around, guns it to 90mph. I'm talking to you. You are an asshole. Just because you are off daydreaming about being on The Voice or whatever, and driving slower than I could run, don't get all pissy because I pass you. Pay attention or get the hell out of the way!

5.) I'm a nice person. No, really, I am. So if I stop and allow you to cross in front of me as you walk into Wal-Mart, do NOT under any circumstances look at me like, "That's right, bitch. You will stop" and then mosey along dragging your feet. This makes me want to "accidentally" take my foot off the brake and run your slow, cocky ass over. I'm from Detroit and this isn't Canada. Pedestrians do not have the right of way. I will run your ass over. You better haul ass and give me a "thank you" wave. I'm serious. I want to see some knees to chest, bitch!

6.) Don't act like you don't see me when I am trying to merge in traffic. We are a society. I understand we all hate those people that drive on the shoulder to pass the traffic and then try to squeeze in. (BTW, quick way to combat that is to stick the ass end of your car out to block it so no one doing that can get through). But if it is a normal merge or you are coming up to a light, let a..again "a" meaning 1 car, in. I'm not asking you to let everyone in and I promise it won't kill you. Besides, it also helps restore people's faith in humanity. Really it does. Instead of being like, 'What an asshole!" when you don't let me in. I will smile and wave and think, "Awe, there are still decent humans out there." This may prevent me from later going postal on some poor barista, who then takes it out on the woman at the electric company, who just happens to be your wife, upsetting her so much that she goes home where you have the audacity to ask her what she is making for dinner after she just worked all day and got yelled at by morons, and she is not your maid so she decides to pay you back by spiking your dinner with Visine so you have the shits for the next 24 hours.

Don't have the shits for the next 24 hours. Let me in. I'll wave, then tell the barista that he makes the best white chocolate mocha latte and he will, in turn, tell your wife that she has a pretty smile while she is processing his payment, making her feel sexy, so she will go home and make you your favorite dinner sans Visine and have sex with you because you are the one that makes her smile and she is in such a good mood. So the choice is your's: Sex or decide.

So those are a few of my top offenders that have been pissing my world off lately. I am guessing I am not alone. So in the interest of making the world a better place (I'm such a giver), I have decided to share this info with you so that you can stop annoying others and me with your insensitive driving habits. Please take them to heart. I really don't want to go to jail because you don't know road etiquette. Besides, I am way too cute to go to jail. I'd end up being someone's bitch and we don't want that.

***Don't forget to check out my books "Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women" and Pain, Pain Go Away" available on and" ***

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