You Must Be Out Of Your Damn Mind!

If you are like anything like me, you love a good massage. If you aren't anything like me, then you're insane because massages rock. There are only two times I get annoyed while getting a massage. The first is when someone massages me too light. I need some crap worked out so don't be a wuss and gently stroke my body. Get in there and break some shit up. The second thing that annoys me is when I get a Chatty Cathy. How the hell am I supposed to relax and envision myself on a beach with Johnny Depp or Colin Farrell as my masseuse if you won't shut the hell up?

Other than that, I love getting a massage. The quiet, serene room with new wave music or nature sounds playing softly over the speaker; the warm massage oil against your skin; the firm yet soft hands rubbing away the tension; and of course the snakes slithering across your body.

Wait...what?!?

Yes, apparently some place in Israel offers snake massages. They take non-venomous snakes (Duh!- Do they really need to specify that?), put them on your back and let them slither all over you. And I guess to some degree, that would relax me. You know, if you consider death to be a form of relaxation.

Now after you have finished with your massage and have changed your underwear because you have undoubtedly pissed your pants, you can take a quick plane ride to Japan (or New York) and get yourself  a nice nightingale, bird poop facial. No no...wait, it's not crazy. They use ultra violet lights to sanitize it and make it odor neutralized. See it is called a Geisha facial because it is said that Geisha girls do it to keep their skin that beautiful, smooth milky white. Well, maybe it is milky white...it may just be residuals from the bird poop.


Once those scaly suckers have been removed from your back and your face is a nice, soft bird poop white, you can head on over to Turkey or Virginia for a nice fishy pedicure. That's right stick your feet in a bucket and let these little toothless fish gnaw your troubles and dead skin away.

OK, I am against this for several reasons. First, as a general rule, I don't want fish to eat me. It is why I am scared to swim in the ocean. Maybe I'm good for them. After all, fish is supposed to be good for humans. Maybe somewhere there is a fish reading (it would have to read because they don't have internet because computers are not waterproof). Anyway, maybe a fish is reading an article in the Daily Reef and thinking, "They eat us? Why would they want to eat us? See, this is why I don't like to go on the land."

 Second, (although admittedly this might be kind of cool), I think I would get a Paul Bunyan complex. I would think of myself as this giant with these Great White sharks nibbling at my feet unable to hurt me because I am 9 million feet tall and can hold them by their tails (fins) and eat them like sardines, you know, assuming sardines weren't gross and disgusting. Third, I kind of feel bad for the fish. What? They don't feed them all day so the little things are so hungry they will eat anything you put in front of them? I mean, seriously, have you seen some people's feet? But maybe dead foot skin is all they can eat.  Are these fish really just tiny piranha minus the chompers? I mean seriously, where are their teeth? Is there a little fishy dentist or tooth fairy going around removing them all? Finally, after my fish-acure was over and I left not only would I be afraid my feet would smell like fish (unless they were smart enough to use the same odor neutralizer they used for the bird poop), but I would also be afraid that maybe the fish would talk smack about my feet after I left.

"Did you see her feet?"

"Does she really think she can pull off that crazy yellow nail polish color?"

"Dude, she wasn't wearing nail polish!"

Of course I wouldn't understand any of this because I don't speak fish, much like I don't understand the women at the nail salon I go to now, whom I am certain are talking about me.

No, after careful consideration, I think I will stick with the old school treatments. So you can go ahead and be one of those cool trendsetters. Enjoy your snake massage, bird poop facial and fishy pedicure. Just don't ever expect me to rub your back, let you borrow my shoes, or kiss your face. After all, I know where they've been.

Seriously, WTH?