Adventures in Bathing (or How NOT to Clean Your Bathroom Floor)

It started out simple enough. I just wanted to take a nice relaxing bath.

Now when I take a bath I don't just turn on the water, hop in, get clean and hop out. No. That would be stupid. When I take a bath, it is an event. I'm talking scented candles, relaxing music (usually some old school R&B), bubbles or bath salts, and of course, hot tea or a nice glass of wine to drink depending on my mood. It is an incredibly relaxing way to let the stress of the day melt away.

That is unless your cat decides to take a bath with you.

Allow me to set the scene: Everything is all set up. My water is at the perfect temperature, Sade is playing, and my candles are aglow. The kids, and by kids I mean my four dogs and one cat, are sound asleep. I get cozy, slink down into the tub and let out a big, long sigh. "Ahhhhhhhh."

After a minute or two, I get that weird feeling that I'm being watched. I open up my eyes to see my 1 and 1/2 year old husky very upset.

"What's wrong Monkey Face?"

Anakin (aka "Monkey Face")

 * Side note: His name is actually Anakin but, because he makes monkey sounds when he wants my attention, I call him Monkey Face.

"OOOOOOO  OOOOOO oooooo Ooo HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR".

For those of you that aren't fluent in dog that translates to: "Mom, you're in there and I'm out here. I don't know what all of that fluffy white stuff (bubbles) is around you, but I kinda think I should drink it. And you know that thing you brought home (Sawyer) looks a lot like my squeaky toy, but I get yelled at every time I try to make it squeak? Well, it is way over there on the edge of the tub where I can't get to it. Plus it's been like two hours since I've had a cookie and it's all very upsetting."

I turn my head to see Sawyer has managed to jump up on the other side of the tub. The two are now staring at each other. I tell Anakin to go lay down. He, of course, has tunnel vision and ignores me.

"Anakin! Go lay down!" I shout. He does his hyper little puppy butt shuffle and lets out a frustrated, "HARrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRuuuu." Then jumps up on the side of the tub and licks the water. This is enough to make Sawyer jump down and scurry away.

"ANAKIN, ya big perv! Go get your bone!"

Sawyer

Just as I start to relax again, I get the feeling that I'm not alone. I open one eye to see Sawyer back on the side of the tub staring at me, his big blue eyes curious. I close my eyes.

"Don't do it," I say, eyes still closed.

He sticks his paw in the water and tests it to see if it will support him.

"Meorowwww..." (Translation: Mom, you think I could walk on this?)

"No, Sawyer."

"Meorowwwwwwww..." (But Mom, I'm super fast. I could totally walk on this.)

"I understand meorowwww (you're super fast). But I'm telling you, don't do it."

He sticks his paw in the water again, slipping it a little bit further down. Perplexed, he stops and shakes off the water. Feeling more brazen, he does it again. Filled with determination, his baby blues glance up at me. "Meorowwwwwwwwwwwwww." (Oh Mom, I could SO do this!)

"Hfpfffffpffffff." (Translation: "I think he could.") Anakin has returned and is joining in on the conversation. He has placed his head on the opposite side of the tub and is glaring at Sawyer, who has gotten up and moved to another section. He and Anakin continue to have a stare-off, but a quiet one, so I close my eyes and relax for the next 5 minutes.

I have made it through  Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone and I'm well into Alicia Keys' I Keep Falling when a wave of water is thrust upon me.

"MRRRRARRRRRRRARRROW!!!" 

Sawyer had fallen into the tub, freaked out, and used my knees and head as a springboard. Anakin, who witnessed the whole thing thinks, I should probably help. In a heroic attempt to save the kitty or eat him, he jumps halfway into the tub. Immediately, he decides being in the tub sucks, and takes off after the kitty but not before knocking the various bottles, candles, towel, and tea into the bathtub leaving a trail of water and destruction behind him.

"WTH?!? SON OF A ... SAWYER!!! ANAKIN!!! OMG, SHUT THE HELL UP, ALICIA KEYS!"

Next time I need to unwind I think I'll walk through Compton, downtown Detroit, or Newark alone at night wearing nothing but a chain of $100 bills around my neck and a sign that says rob me. Maybe I'll juggle a few live grenades too, while I'm at it. I'm sure that would be much more relaxing.

Seriously, WTH?!?

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