Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

U is for Undateable

OK, first off, it is telling me undateable isn't a word and I'm telling you, I think it should and here's why.

Have you ever dated (or even married) someone, looked back and been like what the hell was I thinking? I have to tell you, I have dated some real winners. There was the boy I dated for a week in 8th grade that continued to stalk me well into my twenties; then there was the one that forgot to mention he was a drug dealer;  the one that neglected to mention he was a stripper until I told him I was going to a Bachelorette party and he was afraid he might be the entertainment; there was the alcoholic; the one addicted to pain killers; and, my personal favorite, the possible devil worshiper.

Yes, I have dated some beauties. Now, in my defense, I didn't know any of this when I started dating these guys. It's not like each was wearing a sign: "Hi my name is Ralph. I'm a Scorpio. I love long walks on the beach and oh yeah, I used to worship the devil." In fact, that guy, in particular had brought me to a Catholic church because, apparently, he had converted back.  Turns out having, Satanic beliefs make it hard to pick-up chicks. Who knew?!?

So here is my idea. I think that everyone should have to wear a warning label attached to all of their clothes. Seriously, wouldn't it be so much easier if when you meet someone you could peek at their warning label and be like Yeah that's not too bad or Holy shit! Stay away from me you psychopath!

Just think of all the time and headaches it could save. You meet someone attractive and are just about to give them your number when you say, "Hang on. Turn around. Let me read your label."


"Extremely needy;"
"Mama's boy";
"Crazy eyes";
"Like to dress up like a baby and be spanked;"
"It depends on which one of her personalities is out that day;"
"All woman...NOW;)"
"RUN!!!!"

It could be used when hiring employees:

"Slackass;"
"Will take credit for your work;"
"Looks up porn all day...on your computer"
"Already banging the boss"


And it could be applied to possible new friends:

"Will sleep with your boyfriend;"
"Yankee fan;"
"Farts and blames it on the dog;"
"Have you seen Single White Female?'

Oooo, and the labels could be different colors:

RED: TOTALLY UNDATEABLE  (Equivalent to "Dry Clean Only")
You'll get it, love it the first time you wear it, then you will end up paying for it over and over again until it costs 10x as much as what you initially paid for it.

YELLOW: ON THE BRINK (Equivalent to hand wash separately, lay flat to dry)
Do you really like it because it might be a pain in the ass to maintain?

GREEN: JACKPOT! (Throw it in with anything. It 's fine).
Just don't let this person read your label.

So who's with me on this? I would say lets write our Congressmen and ask them to put it on the ballot, but I have a feeling they would be the last ones that would want to get the Un-dateable/employable/friendable Bill passed. Imagine that label:

Cheats on wife; accepts bribes; still calls his mother "Mommy;" hates dogs; steals from constituents and is a closet cross dresser.

Or it could just read Politician. (Basically the same thing).


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32 comments:

  1. I feel your pain, and since I apparently have a sign on my forehead that says "all wackos apply here", then why can't they have one too!

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    1. OOOOOoooo! I used to be a wacko magnet. Fortunately I have de-magnetized and now the wackos just slide right off. haha

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  2. I think you need to borrow Mary Poppins tape measure! I thought this post might have been about being unable to date people - as in how old?! I am undateable in this sense and no-one ever gets it right (i'm about 100!)

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    1. Oh no! See, you have it all wrong. You my dear, are now considered a cougar! You need to find yourself some hot young thing;) haha

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  3. OMG. That's all I can say! You already know my undateable stories, so I will spare you. LOL. Loved the post!!!

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    1. Haha! Sorry I haven't been visiting posts the last few days...drama on the home front. It's all good though:) I will stop by your's (and other's) blog tomorrow to catch up:)

      Wouldn't warning labels make dating SO much easier?

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  4. oooh, maybe they coud be restricted to wearing the color clothing you suggest fopr their tags, thus providing warning from a greater distance. My teen and preteen are addicted to the gameshw Baggage (don't judge...on this anyway). If you haven't checked it out, do so! Hosted by Jerry Springer...'nuff siad?

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    1. OMG! I saw the end of that show once. The girl picked a guy, they opened his baggage and it said he had sex with another guy. She was like, um no, too much baggage.

      He said, "I'm not gay."

      All I could think was, well you';re not exactly straight either. LOL

      I like the clothing thing. That way you could run in the opposite direction if you see a "red" or more importantly run towards a "green" before someone else snaps them up!

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  5. Ha ha ha...Don't think anyone would volunteer bad information about themselves but who knows, maybe one day we will all be stamped at birth...LOL. Stopped by from the A-Z challenge. Nice to meet you.

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    1. No, see, you would have to give them a questionairre or interview friends, family, past boyfriends or girlfriends, and shrinks, and then see what theme reoccurs the most.

      At the end you would have a:Would you date (be friends) with this person again?

      See, it's all very scientific;)

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  6. Yep, I am in complete agreement. Just think how much heartache could of been saved by everyone if we could look at these label's prior to wearing. I would of saved myself so many "what the hell was I thinking moments!!"

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    1. That's what I'm saying!

      Wouldn't it be great if you could read a label and it said "Total Nut Job"? You could be like, "Excuse me, I'll be right back." Then climb out the bathroom window and get as far away as possible:)

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  7. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow, this explains FAR too much about me... I toss all "Dry Clean Only" clothes in the wash with reckless abandon!

    I LOVE the color-coding and further totally endorse moving forward on some sort of letter to Congress, or at the very least a petition and accompanying YouTube clip for marketing flair :) Bravo, Darling! xo

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    1. Thank you my little Ninja Kitty:)

      (For the record, I wash most of my dry clean only clothes. It makes me feel like a rebel!;)

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  8. They should have bright yellow warning labels for the guys because you girls need to know. The labels for the gals should be black so it doesn't look as big on them...hee hee.

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    1. Yes, yes... I totally second the black part - nicely slimming! (Plus it would help to deter somewhat from my own THREAT LEVEL ORANGE ;) )

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    2. See, I think we are totally on to something!

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  9. There is actually a guy who designed a computer that hangs around his neck and one of the functions is that the computer uses facial recognition on someone and pulls up a list of words that describe them according to their social networking accounts and whatever else their face appears on.

    However, the warning labels would be a lot easier to spot someone at a distance. I think it's a brilliant idea! Especially if politicians had to wear them.

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    1. I think the computer thing would be a pain in the ass to lug around so the tags are easier.

      See! I think we are on to something here!

      Delete
  10. When I re-entered the dating world (After getting married at 20 and divorced at 29) I tried internet dating. eHarmony declared me "incompatible" with their ENTIRE dating site.

    Seriously. An infinity times Pi clients, and I was not compatible with ANY of them.

    Suppose I should have told that little nugget of information to my current husband? Nah.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See Juli, I think you are looking at it all wrong. You are seeing the cup as half empty. You need to look at it as half full. They didn't declare you incompatible with them; they declared that those people were incompatible with YOU. It is the burden of being awesome; no one else can compare;)

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  11. I'm undateable. That's why I stay married. No one else would have me.

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    1. Know your limits, I always say.

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    2. See, it turned out my ex was undateable, which is why I divorced him. haha

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  12. I can see you have given this much thought...umm can I see your label real quick?

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  13. I would have a bright red label. Danger, danger!
    It's fairly easy to find out whether someone is a good catch or batshit crazy. Ask the man if he knows me. If he says he does, you better run.

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    1. LMAO! See, you say you would have a Danger! Danger red label, (cup half empty). I say you have a "Challenging" label;)

      As for bat shit crazy, yeah anyone I ever dated pretty much falls into that category, so if you meet them, you run too:)

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  14. I love this. Dating at my age (over 50) is a pain in the arse. Please label these losers so I can avoid them.

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    1. Absolutely. I can't understand why no one has done it sooner!

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  15. I've had a friend who slept with my (then) boyfriend. He wasn't a boyfriend much longer, and she went directly to my shit list, do not pass go, to not collect $200. Even better was when she accused me of flirting with HER man (which I didn't, and who didn't deserve her). WOW! Talk about projecting...

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    1. LOL See it's funny to me...usually the ones that are doing the accusing are doing so because THEY have a guilty conscience, (i.e. your ex-friend). Glad you ditched them both.

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