Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Monday, April 9, 2012

H is for Hell Have No Fury Like a Vagina Scorned!

I should warn you in advance, this post may get a little graphic.

No, not that graphic you bunch of pervs!

OK, so something you should know about me is that I am a totally awesome cook. I owned a pizzeria and an Italian restaurant. I can make a chicken Marsala that will knock your socks right off. Seriously, you'll have to look around for your socks when you're finished eating. I also bake and am always trying out new recipes.

YUMMY!
Now I love Mexican food. There were a couple of dishes that I could get in the Mexican Village in Michigan that I just can't get here. So, I scoured the internet looking for recipes. I came across one that looked and sounded pretty good, so I made my list and headed to the grocery store.

Now I know nothing about Mexican food other than it has lots and lots of cheese and that makes me happy. That said, my recipe called for a pepper I had never heard of: Poblano. So I made my way down the produce isle and read over the pepper descriptions. They all warned about using gloves to handle the peppers. Ha! Wusses! Who needs gloves to handle little old peppers? Unfortunately, none of the peppers had the names below them, only the warnings and of course, I couldn't find anyone that knew the difference. I had the same luck at Kroger's. So when I went to Ingles, after 2 days of pepper hunting, I figured I don't care what they have, I am coming home with some damn peppers!

Poblanos?
I walked into the produce section, found the peppers and again there were no names by most of them. Then I finally saw a name above some: Poblanos. At last! They were bright and colorful so I decided to get some red, yellow and orange in case they had a slightly different flavor, but mainly because I thought they were pretty.

I went home and started making my meal. I cut the peppers removed the seeds and put them in the crock pot to cook with the other ingredients, adding two extra peppers just because I felt like it. There were now six total. I turned on the crockpot to let everything cook overnight.


WOO, that'll clear you sinuses! AAAAAAAAAACHOOO!  I grabbed the pepper stems and seeds and put them in the garbage, washed my hands, went to take my shower and then headed to bed. I was lying in bed for about 10 minutes thinking about tomorrow's yummy dinner when my face started burning. At first, I didn't pay much attention to it, but then it got worse. My nose and my eyes were on fire. OMG, now so were my hands! WTH?!? 

Holy Hot, Amigo!
I checked and I didn't appear to be on fire, although that's what it felt like. I got up and washed my hands again...and again... and again... and uh-oh. Other parts started burning...parts that should never burn unless you have had unprotected sex with the several sailors, the Marine Corps or any guy that Paris Hilton has ever dated. Oh crap!


I grabbed a wash cloth and started washing...everything. OK, now I was just driving the pain in deeper. My vagina felt like there was some little man firing a blow torch at it. My hands, particularly underneath my nails felt like someone had tortured me by putting hot bamboo shards under my nails. The more I touched, the more stuff that started burning. I kind of started to wish I was on fire so that eventually I would just get numb to the pain.

How do you spell relief?
Then I had a brain storm: Mylanta! It stops acid and heartburn, maybe it could stop nail bed and vagina fire as well. I ran to the refrigerator. Shit! The bottle was almost empty. I grabbed it, a gallon of milk, and a bowl and ran into the bathroom. I poured the milk into a bowl and sat on the toilet. I proceeded to douse my crotch with Mylanta then stuck my fingers in the bowl of milk while I waited for the Mylanta to take effect. After about five minute the sting was gone so I washed it off.

Nope, sting's still there! More Mylanta! And FAST! I am sorry to say that I had to sleep with Mylanta on my crotch and soap between my fingers and nail beds (I clawed a bar of Dial). I went back to Ingles several days later and discovered that the tags for the peppers went to the peppers above the label, not below. So instead of getting Poblano peppers, I got Habanero peppers, which are some of the hottest peppers you can buy in the U.S.

Poblano peppers
I am happy to report my vagina and the rest of my body have fully recovered. Although, the emotional scars are still there. Hell have no fury like a vagina scorned! I now wear gloves when I am handling any kind of pepper - even black.

(BTW, the meal I made tasted like compete crap. I wouldn't even feed it to my dogs and they eat poop!)


50 comments:

  1. OH MY GOSH. I have not laughed so hard in a really long time... LOL

    Jo
    In Which We Start Anew

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    1. :) I'm glad you liked my story of ungodly pain. LOL If nothing else, at least I can look back at it now and laugh!

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  2. I read this and laughed. Then I felt bad for you so I tried to stop laughing, but I really really couldn't, I'm sorry.
    Glad to hear you're recovered :-)

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    1. No, don't try to stop laughing! I am glad to know that something good and funny came out of it. Let me tell you, I will always have Mylanta on hand now, you know just in case.

      I am glad you guys realized the vagina thing was because of the shower and not, well, you know...

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    2. Oh no honey... we're just being nice and not mentioning it. LOL

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    3. Pervs! This is why I love you guys so.

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  3. Me! I am Mexican, but I do not like hot peppers. Even the Poblano peppers, which are used to make chile relleno, are too spicy for my taste.

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    1. Yes! Stay away from them. Who knew how dangerous the were?

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  4. I'm so glad your TurkeyPurse survived the ordeal!!

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    1. Me too! Believe me!!! I will ALWAYS have Mylanta around now. You never know when your vagina (aka turkey purse may catch fire;)

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  5. That sounds horrific. When I worked as a cook in the kitchen, one of my fellow coworkers made a long range pepperspray by cooking chicken, jalapenos, and crushed red peppers on the flat-top. What he thought was a tasty idea turned out to be a government grade agent for chemical warfare.

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    1. OMG! I would have totally beat his ass...or at least locked him in the room with the hommeade pepper spray!

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    2. "homeade" my key got stuck.

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  6. Learned th4e hard way about peppers and gloves, but I ah, well I ah... at least didn't touch any other body parts. It was just my hands and that was bad enough.

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    1. Yes, you definitely got off easy! LOL

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  7. Oh my dear ... how can you offer sympathy to someone when you can't stop laughing? I can't even imaging how awful that would have been. Hahaha...you have a great attitude. Thanks once again for giving me a good laugh.

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    1. Thank you and you're welcome. Glad I can put a smile in your day:)

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  8. "...parts that should never burn unless you have had unprotected sex with the several sailors, the Marine Corps or any guy that Paris Hilton has ever dated. Oh crap!" I laughed so hard at this part, I still am laughing at it. You're a nut, love you babe!

    Stop trying to be Mexican, and know your peppers for your vagina's sake :)

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    1. Love you too, Sunshine. Yeah, I am off peppers now...still like to try a hot tamale though;)

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  9. OMG, I don't know weather to laugh or cry, you poor thing.
    Is this a typical day in the life of Shay?

    Bev @ Blue Velvet Vincent

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    1. I could lie and say no, but yes...it IS pretty much a typical day in my life...well, thankfully I don't have hot pepper vagina everyday, but the crazy stuff, absolutely;)

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  10. Holy Craptastic! That was completely AWESOME! I am sorry that the meal tasted so bad and that you had burning vagina with none of the "fun" that might go before the burn. I will definitely have to visit your blog again, you are a crack up.

    Visiting from A to Z

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    1. Thanks, Jana! And thanks for following me :) You should know that this is pretty darn typical of my life (well, not fire crotch), but the absurdity. That said, I promise to make you laugh more:)

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  11. Good for the laugh...not so much for my vagina!LOL And thanks for reading, Sandra:) Welcome!

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  12. I'm really trying to keep objective about all of this and hold my tongue. No, really, I am.
    I've never had an issue with needing gloves for peppers, but, then, I tend to stay away from habeneros, since bell peppers tend to be "too hot" for my kids. >sigh<

    Still... a woman that can cook...

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    1. Yes,but not only am I a woman that can cook. I am a woman that can cook WHILE setting her private parts on fire. That is the REAL talent;)

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    2. Well... my gosh... I have no good response to this. I want to. I really want to.

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  13. OMG, I LOVE this post! Funniest thing I've read in a while. You've a gift for the descriptive narrative.

    Funny thing (but not as funny as your post)...I used the same quote - "hell hath no fury" - for my own H post, but it wasn't a fun one. Still, love that there was a literary connection. :-)

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    1. Thanks! I went to your blog and saw that and was like HOLY Crap! Great minds think alike:)

      One question: I tried to comment on your's (I was also going to make the same link, but I couldn't figure out how to do it.

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  14. OMG Hilarious post. I once set my eyes on fire like that never other parts from reading your post TG I didn't. The eyes was bad enough

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    1. Thank you...Yeah, consider yourself lucky. Trying pouring Mylanta on yourself when you are half blind from peppers!LOL

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  15. Man, I hate when that happens! Visiting from AtoZ

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    1. Welcome, Wendy. Wow, this is the first post you read of mine and it is about my vagina being on fire!LOL I promise, they aren't all this graphic. Hope it didn't scare you away.

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  16. You had me at Vagina.... wait what.
    Fun Post!

    Happy... to the challenge "H" is for Harmonious!
    Jeremy [Retro-Zombie]
    A to Z Co-Host
    My New Book:
    Retro-Zombie: Art and Words

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    1. Yeah, tend to get most men at vagina...unless they are gay.LOL

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  17. OMGSH-I am totally chuckling over here on the other side of the computer. That is one heck of a way to learn something.
    I did keep wondering why you didn't go to the hospital? Not to mention, you ACTUALLY tried eating the food after all that. Wow!!! Still chuckling over here.
    ~Naila Moon

    http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/2012/04/h.html

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    1. Ummm yeah, the only thing I could imagine worse than the agony was having to go to the hospital to EXPLAIN the situation. And Heck yeah I tried it. After all that. I put my blood, sweat, tears and vaginal health at risk. I had to try it.LOL

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  18. OMG! Horrific! I can't imagine the agony. Sorry that I laughed, but you painted such a great picture! Hope yer lady parts are all better now. Gives new meaning to the term 'hot stuff'!

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    1. No, PLEASE laugh. I like knowing I went through that agony for something! LOL

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  19. I am cracking up right now..how I love your honesty..I wish there were more people in the world like you...who just say it like it is...

    Great post...you are very talented!

    http://quietforgiveness.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you very much for the compliment, Robyn. As you can tell, I have no problem humiliating myself if it will save others from making the same terrible mistake...or at least make them fall down laughing.

      Welcome to my blog:)

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  20. Oh. my. gosh! I will not be hosting any more pity parties for myself regarding the time I was told I was buying sweet peppers that were indeed hot...my sting was only my face (that I kept wiping sweat off of on that hot summer day) and under my nails.

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    1. Yes, the scars still run deep. I will never look at peppers (or Mylanta) the same way again.LOL

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  21. Hilarious! and terrible! I feel bad for laughing, but it is so terribly hilarious. :)

    This reminds me of a story. Admittedly not as bad as yours, but... In junior high science class we had to dissect a jalapeno pepper. I assume this was some kind of stupid practice for dissecting other stuff, but anyway. We were all using our bare hands and we were stupid junior highers so of course we were rubbing our noses and eyes and stuff during the class. More than a few of us had to get checked out of school for burning membranes. haha.

    Looking forward to checking out more of your blog after this. :)

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    1. YAY! I am glad you liked it and welcome to my blog. All I can say is at least YOU learned it in high school...and not because it burned your privates. HAHAHA

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  22. No, no, NO! Peppers and private parts should never mix!

    Hilarious post though!

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    1. Yes, I have to agree. I have to tell you, that is something I never thought I'd find out the hard way!LOL

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  23. Very damn funny. I live in New Mexico, the land of peppers. We teach the whole genital pepper thing not mixing, in Kindergarden.

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