The Naughty List

I have recently seen funny pictures on the internet of dogs confessing their bad behavior. With Christmas being so close, I decide to give my own dogs and cats (past and present) a chance to make thinks right so that they can get off Santa's Naughty List and back on the Nice List.

Now they may look sweet and innocent, but they all have multiple offenses. So I now give you...The Naughty List:

NAUGHTY LIST #1:

NAME: ANAKIN
AGE: 2
BREED: HUSKY
ALIAS: MONKEY FACE, MONKEY, FACE, MONK
CRIMES: BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE, FIGHTING, THEFT OF PROPERTY

BREAKING AND ENTERING

Broke into the cat's house

DEFENSE: "Mom said I wouldn't fit. Clearly she was wrong."

ASSAULT 

Fighting with...

and trying to eat the kitty

THEFT: WELL KNOWN SOCK THIEF

(This is what happens to the other sock that goes missing from the dryer)

ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE

(MUST sneak up from behind and stick his nose up your butt when you are wearing only a robe.

Has also been known to get right up in your face and sneeze)

NAUGHTY LIST #2:

APOLLO

AGE: 10 
BREED: GREYHOUND
ALIAS: BIG DOG, ZOOG, ZOOGY
CRIMES: THEFT, RELEASE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, TRESPASSING

THEFT

(Stole pizza off counter piece by piece and let mom and her friend think each other did it)

CHEMICAL WARFARE

(Secretly farts and then leaves the room leaving everyone else gasping for air)

TRESPASSING

(Broke into the bull pasture at the old house and chased them until they had enough and chased him)

NAUGHTY LIST #3

NAME: NEMO
AGE: 10
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
CRIMES: DRUG ABUSE AND DRUG PUSHING, MISUSE OF PROPERTY

DRUG ABUSE/ DEALING

(Snorting fire ants and trying to get doggy brother and sisters to do it too)

MISUSE OF PROPERTY

(Likes to pretend the front yard is  a spa and takes mud baths regularly)

NAUGHTY LIST #4

NAME: AXEL FOLEY

AGE: 2

BREED: LONG-HAIRED CHIHUAHUA

CRIMES: TRESPASSING, KNOWN PERVERT, ASSAULT

 TRESPASSING

(Hang out on the dining room table when Mom isn't home)

PERVERT

(Likes to hump Anakin's face...

and his Santa toy until he has an asthma attack)

(Also likes to touch, lay on, and stick his head down the shirt of women)

ASSAULT

(Likes to bonsai off the steps onto Anakin's head and fight)

NAUGHTY LIST #5

NAME: KUNIK JEFFREY

AGE: 9

BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)

ALIAS: SNEAKER DOG, NEAKERS, JEFF

CRIMES: THEFT, MURDER

THEFT

(Anakin's sock thief partner)

MURDER

(Killed Santa)

 NAUGHTY LIST #6: 

MINOR OFFENDERS

NAME: P.O.W KITTY (PIECE OF WORK)
AGE: 4
BREED- UNKNOWN
ALIAS: BURGER 
CRIME: FRAUD AND THEFT - 
EATS TINSEL AND GARLAND OFF CHRISTMAS TREE AND THEN POOPS IT OUT.

FRAUD

(Pretends to admire daisies, but really eats them)

 P.O.W. was also accused of fighting with Anakin, but that was later ruled as self-defense.

NAUGHTY LIST #7

(MINOR OFFENDER)

NAME: SAWYER

AGE: ALMOST 2

BREED: UNKNOWN

ALIAS: SOYS, BABY KITTY

CRIMES: ATTEMPTED ASSAULT, TRESPASSING

ATTEMPTED ASSAULT

(Tried to walk across the water while Mom was taking a bath)

...thankfully Anakin jumped in to save him... Mom was not happy with us.

TRESPASSING

(Trespassed on dining room table with Axel)

Sawyer is also the prime suspect in the destruction of Christmas ornaments and is believed to be the Kingpin of a hair tie theft ring.

NAUGHTY LIST #8:

NAME: COLBY JACKSON

AGE: 10

ALIAS: COLBS

CRIME: MIND-NUMBINGLY STUPID. SERIOUSLY...NOT SURE WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS SMARTER.

We also are looking for any leads on an unsolved crime: 

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have been good enough to make Santa's Nice List, but bad enough to just miss being on the Naughty List ;)

The Untaming of the Unicorn...

Today while listening to The Bert Show, I got so angry about the topic they were discussing that I almost drove off of the road trying to change the station. Now normally, I don't get emotional about these types of things, but this was different. The host was reading an article recently written by a man named Preston Waters titled, "Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns." It can pretty much be summed up like this:

Women are bad and no longer have morals or respect for themselves. Men want to sleep with everything that walks but want to marry a good girl with morals, standards, self-respect, and a hymen which is about as rare as a unicorn, according to him. However, if they do find a unicorn, they will cheat on her because she will bore them.

No really, click the link below and read the article...I'll wait.

Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns

Now, allow me to tell you why this is complete and utter crap. With the exception of the whole hymen being intact thing (hey I was married), I have always been what is considered to be a good girl... a unicorn, if you will. I don't have sex with random strangers. I don't steal, cheat, or do drugs. I have done and do charity work. I don't rely on any one to take care of me and as a bonus, I'm pretty freaking funny too.

You know what that got me. Single. Why? Because of men. You guys don't know what the hell you want. Part of it is from the wussification of the American male. Many of you can't hold a job (or won't). You have no idea how to be adults. Just because you live on your own (maybe) and have a job (maybe), that does NOT make you an adult or a grown up. Women are tired of being the good little girl that you seem to want. Why? Well allow me to use your own words, Preston:

"But then there is the other side of the spectrum, that when we do actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat. It’s like a double-edged sword. You realize it wasn’t getting the unicorn, but rather attracting something you thought never existed. It always is about the chase and never about the perfection of the woman. And that is the mindset of men in the 21st century.

What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained."

You may have noticed that women aren't exactly lining up to get married anymore. There is a reason for this. See marriage used to be about partnership. Whether it was the Caveman era of men hunting and the women gathering or the 1950's when most women stayed home, took care of the house and children while the man went out and worked all day to earn the money, it boiled down to teamwork. Somehow, we have gotten away from that.Today, women not only spend all day working, they have to come home, take care of the house and children, be a sex goddess in bed, and take care of their man. This is not just merely my opinion, but that of several women, including a large majority of my married friends that claim their day goes something like this:

Woman's day: Get ready (and possibly get children ready). Go to work for 8+ hours. Come home from work. Stop at grocery store to get something for dinner. Make dinner. Clean house. Do laundry. Do dinner and breakfast dishes because for some reason, most men think that when they take a dish and place it in the sink a little fairy comes, washes them and puts them away so that they will magically be in the cupboard the next time you need them. Pay bills. (If you have children do homework, take to any sporting things, make sure they are relatively clean). Make sure all lights are off, doors are locked, blankets are folded, etc. Sit down with something to drink and get shit for what you want to watch because it's "stupid". Go to bed. Possibly have sex. Oh, and I forgot to throw in shopping for any birthday gifts or getting ready for any holidays that may be approaching which she will most likely lie awake half of the night trying to remember if there is anything else she is forgetting.

Husbands (or boyfriends) tend to wake up, go to work, come home, lie on the couch or do some sort of activity they enjoy like gaming, watching Sports Center, or tinkering with a car. Eat dinner. Return to the couch or activity. Go to bed. They don't want to do chores because it's not "fun"(really, because we would rather dust and vacuum than go out with our friends or get a massage any day) or they feel we should ask them to do these chores (hey buddy, it's your house too, I'm not your mother. Get off your ass!)

Now, before all of the men out there get their panties in a wad, allow me to say, I do understand that not all of you are like that. Some are single fathers and others do help their wives/girlfriends. But, being a member of the dating world, ex-married world, and now, happily single world, and also, having eyes and ears, I can tell you that those men are few and far between.

For a long time, it was expected that the woman would support the man's goals and the woman's goals would be put on the back burner because, well, the man made the money and the woman's "job" was to be emotionally supportive and encouraging for the betterment of the family. They would compliment each other, go places, and do things like join bridge clubs.

But then, something changed. Women started entering the work force and I'll admit it, in a way, we screwed ourselves. Guys were like WOO-HOO! This is great. All of the burden of providing for the family no longer falls on me. While women thought, sure! I can help with the bills...and he will help with the housework and kids.

This is where there was a breakdown in communication.

See, that didn't happen. And again, I am willing to claim some responsibility for that too...just not all of it. As women, growing up, a lot of time, you heard things like, "Don't bother your father with that. He worked all day" or "You can't expect a man to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries. They aren't into that kind of stuff." Yep, we made excuses. Some of us even went so far as to get offended when a man would ask us out and then not allow us to pay our share of the date. After all, we were making money. We should be on an equal playing field. Woo-hoo for women's lib!

Shit...

Now, not only do men not offer to pay but, in many instances, they don't even offer or make up an excuse as to why they can't pay their share. I cannot tell you the number of women I know that have gone out with a guy only to be told oops he forgot his wallet or to have him get the uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom as the cashier is ringing up dinner or movie tickets. This guy usually relies on the woman feeling bad for him, buying his bullshit, or being too embarrassed (or just plain shocked) to call him on it. The same goes with birthdays. They don't have money to buy their woman a gift, but have enough money to go out drinking with the guys or buy a new video game. I can tell you with relative certainty that at least 3 men that I dated for a decent period of time could not tell you my date of birth, how many brothers and sisters I have, or, if I even have any. They never asked about my dreams or ambitions even though I constantly asked and tried to support their's.

Now you can say, well, you shouldn't date those type of guys, but what you don't understand is a lot of men are like mini con-artists. They act one way in the beginning. They are doting and may even be romantic, and tell you how beautiful or smart you are and then pull a sort of bait and switch on you. They turn into this lecherous slack ass that puts you down or tries to demean you. And the nicer girl you are, the worse it seems to be because they seem to view you has an easy mark.

So, we got sick of it and realized we were becoming the men we wanted to marry. We pay our own rent/mortgages. We buy our own things. We take care of ourselves, and frankly, we are tired of dating (or marrying) men that expect us to be a maid, mother, freak in bed, nanny, cheerleader, and financial contributor when we get nothing (or very little) in return. Seriously, men want their women to wear sexy lingerie, maybe do a strip tease every once in awhile, etc. But, men, what have you done to prep for sex? Seriously, we are lucky if we even get a little bit of foreplay and then most of you bitch about having to do that. And sorry, but pulling off your clothes, lying down, and saying, "Hop on" does not count as foreplay.

With all of the crazy porn mags,websites, and lies their buddies tell them, men expect their women to be more and more freaky...but at the same time, they don't want her to have done anything to get that experience or worry about what else or who else she might have done. If a woman is a virgin she is a prude. If she enjoys sex, she is a slut. If we are inexperienced, you are bored with us. If we are knowledgeable, we must be whores. If we dress provocatively we are hookers. If we dress conservatively, you ignore us. We are tired of trying to figure out what you want. So we stopped trying and started thinking about what we want.

Now we dress for us. We make our own money. Buy our own things. And aren't going to put up with you telling us that your dreams are more important than our's  or that you don't have to do things like buy us cards or flowers because that's "not your thing". You know what, if it isn't your thing, that means we don't have to do it for you. But if it is our thing, then every so often, you should do it for us. Not because we made you, but because you want to.

Men need to stop asking how a woman should be a woman and worry more about how a man should be a man. Stop questioning what we bring to the relationship and start asking what you bring. Do you have a job? Goals? Manners? Good relationships with friends/family?  Do you do anything to better your community or the world? Are you capable of monogamy? Are you a cheerleader for your wife(or girlfriend) or kids? Do you make an effort in bed?

I like sex...and I'm not ashamed of it and neither are 90% of my friends. It is a great stress reliever, a way to connect with someone, it makes you feel sexy, boosts your mood, and it's fun. I am not going to act like Mother Theresa and take a vow of abstinence while I wait for a great guy to come along...a unicorn if you will. And, not that there have been a lot but I have had lovers and I chose them very carefully. I'm not out picking up strangers every night in a bar but that said, have I ever sent someone I have a relationship with sexy pictures of myself or sexted? You bet your ass I have. I'm not posting it on Facebook or sending them to every person I meet because that's not who I am. It doesn't mean that isn't what works for someone else. Who am I to judge? Maybe that makes someone feel sexy. Maybe someone doesn't have the time for a relationship and would rather get involved with a stranger than risk screwing up a friendship with sex. It's not my place to judge what works for who just like it isn't your's.

Women shouldn't be (and aren't) making apologies for being strong, independent, sexual beings that know what we want. It's not that we've lost respect for ourselves. It's that we've found it. There are always going to be people that share too much in some people's opinions and don't share enough in other people's opinions. The thing is, if you care about what everyone else thinks is right and wrong, you are going to have a pretty miserable life. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But one thing we can't do is worry about what men want because the truth is you are fickle as hell and all want something different depending on the day.

Men (and their mothers) used to have a saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well in keeping with the barnyard animal theme, women came up with one of our own: Why by the whole pig when all you want is some sausage? Or in this case...a little horn?

Things That Piss me Off

After a particularly frustrating day yesterday that included, but was not limited to, dog poop with worms in it, being stuck in a department store when it lost power, a flea investation that left me with so many flea bites a blind person could mistake my body for Braille, and me almost T-boning someone because they didn't look when they turned, I have decided to vent. I have comprised a list of things that people need to stop doing so that I don't kill them. This particular list will refer to driving.

1.) Learn to drive - Contrary to popular belief, especially in the South, a light sprinkle does NOT mean that you must slow down to a snail's pace every time a rain drop hits your windshield. When you are being passed by and flipped off by turtles because you are going 4 in a 55mph it's time to pick-up the pace. That thing next to the brake...it's called a gas pedal. USE IT!

2.) You can't talk and drive. I know YOU think you can, but you can't. You are going 10 miles below the speed limit and drifting like a recovering alcoholic that just discovered flavored Vodka. If you must talk and drive at least get in the slow lane so the rest of us that aren't preoccupied with getting the latest tidbit on what Miley Cyrus is dry humping can pass you.

3.)  When you are about to pull out of a driveway, street, etc. look to see if there is anything behind me. 9 times out of 10 there is not. So before you haul ass out in front of me, making me slam on my brakes and then look at me like I'm the asshole, look to see if traffic would be completely clear before you endanger both our lives.This also applies to the person who flies 3 lanes over without even looking to get off on their exit because they were't paying attention and decides that because they want to get over, everyone else will just have to deal with it and get the hell out of the way, you know, because the world revolves around them. I'm sorry to tell you (wait, no I'm not) YOU are an asshole!

4.) Hey you! The one that goes 35 in a 70, but when I try to go around, guns it to 90mph. I'm talking to you. You are an asshole. Just because you are off daydreaming about being on The Voice or whatever, and driving slower than I could run, don't get all pissy because I pass you. Pay attention or get the hell out of the way!

5.) I'm a nice person. No, really, I am. So if I stop and allow you to cross in front of me as you walk into Wal-Mart, do NOT under any circumstances look at me like, "That's right, bitch. You will stop" and then mosey along dragging your feet. This makes me want to "accidentally" take my foot off the brake and run your slow, cocky ass over. I'm from Detroit and this isn't Canada. Pedestrians do not have the right of way. I will run your ass over. You better haul ass and give me a "thank you" wave. I'm serious. I want to see some knees to chest, bitch!

6.) Don't act like you don't see me when I am trying to merge in traffic. We are a society. I understand we all hate those people that drive on the shoulder to pass the traffic and then try to squeeze in. (BTW, quick way to combat that is to stick the ass end of your car out to block it so no one doing that can get through). But if it is a normal merge or you are coming up to a light, let a..again "a" meaning 1 car, in. I'm not asking you to let everyone in and I promise it won't kill you. Besides, it also helps restore people's faith in humanity. Really it does. Instead of being like, 'What an asshole!" when you don't let me in. I will smile and wave and think, "Awe, there are still decent humans out there." This may prevent me from later going postal on some poor barista, who then takes it out on the woman at the electric company, who just happens to be your wife, upsetting her so much that she goes home where you have the audacity to ask her what she is making for dinner after she just worked all day and got yelled at by morons, and she is not your maid so she decides to pay you back by spiking your dinner with Visine so you have the shits for the next 24 hours.

Don't have the shits for the next 24 hours. Let me in. I'll wave, then tell the barista that he makes the best white chocolate mocha latte and he will, in turn, tell your wife that she has a pretty smile while she is processing his payment, making her feel sexy, so she will go home and make you your favorite dinner sans Visine and have sex with you because you are the one that makes her smile and she is in such a good mood. So the choice is your's: Sex or shits...you decide.

So those are a few of my top offenders that have been pissing my world off lately. I am guessing I am not alone. So in the interest of making the world a better place (I'm such a giver), I have decided to share this info with you so that you can stop annoying others and me with your insensitive driving habits. Please take them to heart. I really don't want to go to jail because you don't know road etiquette. Besides, I am way too cute to go to jail. I'd end up being someone's bitch and we don't want that.

***Don't forget to check out my books "Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women" and Pain, Pain Go Away" available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com" ***

Things Women Wish Men Knew

Recently, actually I think it was yesterday, I read an article online about things men wish women knew. It contained things like "women need to stop making a big deal about and get over the fact that men leave the toilet seat up" and  if we ask a man to do something, then bitch that it isn't done the way we wanted it done, we should just do it ourselves and save men the hassle. Well, I decided since men always complain that they don't know what women are thinking, I'd try to clear some things up.

1). First, I'd like to address the toilet seat thing. Here is why it is a big deal that you leave it up. Have you ever fallen in? Probably not. That is because you stand up to pee. I guarantee if you got up in the middle of the night, all groggy, stumbled into the bathroom, went to sit down only to find yourself wedged into a porcelain ass trap, you're opinion would be different. Imagine yourself folded into a human sandwich as your butt hits ice cold toilet water that splashes all over you and your PJs, then have  to pull yourself out without peeing on yourself.

Let's face it, most guys drain the snake, give it a shake, and are off, hopefully remembering to flush before they go on their way. Most don't bother to notice the stray pee that has dripped and the curly hairs that have flown off and are now left for all to see. Major ick factor! It takes two seconds to put it back down. It takes 20 minutes to have to get out of the toilet, clean up, change your pajamas and then go pee and try to get back to sleep. Plus it pisses us off. And let's face it - you don't like us when we're pissed off.

2.)We get it. You don't want to hear about the Bachelorette or Project Runway, or any other show you think is cheesy women's crap. But if you can watch 1000 Ways to Die, Duck Dynasty, or 2 football games in a row with us being nice enough to suck it up and watch it with you (or at least not bitch about it), can't you do the same sometimes without rolling your eyes or making condescending remarks? We don't expect you to like the show, but we do like spending time with you and the fact that you are showing an interest in something we like. However, if you are just going to be an ass, then remain silent, go do something else and leave us alone to watch our guilty pleasure.

3.) And on that note, yeah, we expect you to remember our birthdays and anniversaries. Why? Because you should that's why. If you can deem things like Babe Ruth's batting average, the number of sacks Tom Brady took during his years as a Wolverine, and Kate Upton's body measurements important enough to commit to memory, then, yeah, we think you should remember the day the woman that has sex with you regularly and washes your dirty underwear was born and when you started dating/got married.

4.) "I'm not into cards or flowers or things like that. That's just not who I am." A lot of men use this as an excuse to not do things for their girlfriend/wife. If YOU aren't into cards and flowers and stuff, then that means she doesn't have to get that stuff for YOU. If your girl isn't into that stuff, fine, you're off the hook. BUT if she is into it, then once every couple months, pick up a damn card or bring her flowers. She is telling you that those are things that make her feel loved. In fact, you don't even have to buy her anything. Stick a note in her lunch that she can stumble upon that simply says, "I love you" or "You are so beautiful." Trust me, we eat that crap up!

5.) Yes, we do need all of those shoes.

6.) Housework -  One of the biggest things I hear women complain about is housework, and I swear it has accounted for many divorces. I have to be honest, it blows my mind that there are men out there that feel we should ask you to pick up your dishes or do chores. News Flash: No magic fairy comes in and  picks up your crap, washes it, and then puts it back where it belongs. And it sure as hell doesn't grow legs and walk itself there.

It is your house too. You're not a kid. We aren't your mother. You can see what needs to be done just as easily as we can. This isn't the 1950's. Men don't work all day while women stay at home and clean. Women work all day too. And surprise, surprise! We don't feel like cleaning at night or doing laundry on the weekends either, but we're grown-ups, so we do it. When you don't do your share or expect us to ask you to help, it makes us feel like you think we are beneath you. Whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it translates to us. And if we have to ask you to do it 12 times, that's not nagging. That's our way of saying you're being a lazy, inconsiderate jerk so get off your ass and help us. If you don't want us to treat you like a child or nag, then be a big grown-up and do your share.

7.) "But when I do something, she says I do it wrong." OK, first off, we're on to the whole do-a-bad-job-so-we-won't-ask-you-to-do-it-again thing. If you know your wife/girlfriend likes things done a certain way, ask her to show you and learn. You know what kind of beer your friends like. You know the proper steps you have to do to wax a car. If it's that important to her, then learn how she likes the damn towels folded. Or learn to read labels so you don't shrink her clothes. And if learning is too hard or she is insistent on washing her own clothes, then wash your's or throw in a load of towels or tell her if she does the laundry, you'll do the vacuuming. Let's face it, if she wasn't around you would have to do it all yourself. Just because you are together, doesn't mean you suddenly got a maid. And no, lifting your feet up while she vacuums is not considered helping.

8.) You do not babysit your kids when your wife/girlfriend is out. They are YOUR kids too. She needs time to herself to be alone or go out with the girls just like you need time with the guys. So don't ho and hum and act like you're doing this gianormous favor when you stay home with the kids. Your job did not stop after you made your sperm deposit.

9.) If we ask you if we look fat don't look, don't think, just say, "No" and for bonus points, tell us we're always beautiful. I understand how men think this can get annoying. Just try to understand that the women in magazines and on TV keep shrinking. They are also airbrushed to perfection and have personal trainers and chefs. In addition to those things, women's bodies are weird. We get bloated at certain times of the month and it can make us go up a size or two and feel self conscious. Be sensitive. Don't point to us lying on the couch and say, "Hey look! A beached whale." You may think you're funny, but we don't.

Understand that we are constantly being reminded that men are visual creatures. Let's face it, the women men normally look at are supermodels in bikinis or lingerie. You don't here a lot of men saying, "Wow, Adele is super sexy."  If we only hear you saying women that are a size 0 are hot and we are a size 8 or more, yeah, we're going to be worried that you aren't attracted to us and think we're fat.

Not to mention, women in general can be mean. Have you ever been at a pool and had one of your male friends point to some guy and say," OMG, he should not be wearing that bathing suit." Probably not. Women here it all the time. We are constantly being judged by women and men. So every so often, yeah, we get a little insecure. Tell us how sexy you think we are when we least expect it. I promise it will pay off. Women are more sexual when they are secure. So if you want to get some... give some (compliments that is). Also, if you do this for us, we promise not to comment on your receding hairline or refer to any body parts below the waist as "cute" or "little."

10.) "But I married you (or we're dating) so you should know I think you're beautiful." This is total and complete crap. If you work out, you want us to notice. If you get a new car, you want us to compliment you on it, even when you've had it for 5 years. If you can pay a compliment to your friend's deck building ability, prowess in fantasy drafts, or your best friend's wife's new haircut, you can throw us a little compliment every once in a while. If not, don't get mad if you find yourself alone because someone else said what you didn't think was important enough to say or you assumed we knew.

11.) If you are in a relationship with us, don't treat us like a dirty little secret. This especially applies to new relationships. We want someone that is proud to be with us and wants to let the world know we are his girlfriend. It's not like we want you to pull a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on Oprah's couch professing your undying love (besides, that didn't work out too well for Tom anyway), but we do want to be acknowledged.

Look, we all know those guys, whether they are in their 20's or 50's, that think it's not cool to say they are in a happy relationship out of fear that their friends will think they are whipped or because they still need attention from other women to have their ego stroked. If you feel like that, you are too immature to be in a relationship (and you may need new friends). We just want to know if you are that guy so we can move on. But if you like us, would it kill you to comment on a FB post or introduce us to your friends? There is a difference between keeping our relationship private and keeping us a secret. On that note, ladies, if he doesn't call, text you back, take you out in public, or introduce you to his friends or family after a few weeks, then he is either married or not interested. Don't chase. Just move on.

12.) We don't want or expect you to solve every problem we have. Men tend to be fixers. So if we come to you with a problem, you assume we want you to fix it. We don't. Sometimes we just need you to listen so that we can say our problem out loud and come up with our own solution. Other times, we just want you to agree that so-and-so was being a total bitch when she said we were too old to be wearing a certain dress. We want you to listen and be empathetic or sympathetic. It helps us bond and makes us feel like you genuinely care about what is going on in our life and what's important to us. It's not about solving problems. It's about connecting. Be happy that we respect and care enough about your opinion to share things with you. Offer a few words that let us know you are listening, then offer us a nice shoulder massage or foot rub, or to make us a cup of tea.

13.) I said it before, men our visual. Women are more emotional. Most men can see a boob and be ready to go. Most women need a little foreplay. This can be kissing, sitting on the couch holding hands, or giving us a sexy wink across the table at dinner. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a quickie. We're not asking for candlelight and a bed full of rose petals every time we have sex, but we would like something a little more romantic than having you pull down your pants and telling us to "hop on."

OK, so those are a few of the things women wish men knew. Before some of you get all snarky and start bashing everything, allow me to say, yes, I know some women are more sloppy than men; some women (this one included) love football and have no problem talking stats; and of course, some of you do housework without being asked, buy flowers and are model boyfriends/husbands. If you do all of these things, then guess what, this post doesn't apply to you.

But for those of you that this does apply to, remember to take the time to appreciate the person you are with and show them that they are important to you, whether it is with a card, cleaning the house, or an unsolicited squeeze from behind or kiss on the back of the head as you walk by. It's the little things that make a relationship. If you are going to be late, call. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Ask us how our day was and what dreams we have. These are the things that really matter. Actions speak louder than words. It's all about making someone feel loved, respected and appreciated. It is also the difference between having an extremely pissed off, resentful girlfriend/wife that secretly (or not so secretly) thinks you're a chauvinistic ass and will make your life miserable and having a happy, loving, confident partner that loves you and wants to have sex because she thinks you are wonderful and wants to show you.

I'm just sayin'.

Please Come So I Don't Feel Like A Big Loser!!!

That's right! A bookstore in Michigan is having a release party for me, (WOO-HOO!) So PLEASE if you are in the area of Berkley, Michigan on June 15th between 5-7pm, stop by.

Pain Pain Go Away will be available for purchase at the event but there will only be limited quantities of Why Am i Still Single so if you want that signed (how weird is that? I will be signing autographs.) you may want to purchase a copy in advance from Amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

Amazon Links:

Why Am I Still Single? 

Pain Pain Go Away

Barnes & Noble Links

Why Am I Still Single?

Pain Pain Go Away

I'd Like You To Meet B.O.B.

I know I usually write on the humorous side, but...

Today I posted a Face In Hole picture where my friend had photoshopped our faces on Victoria's Secret models' bodies. I put the following caption with it: Too bad it isn't as easy to get these bodies as it is for us to photoshop our heads on them.

The seemingly flawless, cellulite-free, tanned, toned bodies make me both envious and insecure. After all my body has never looked like that. In fact, I don't even know that my body is capable of looking like that. Now, I'm not what anyone, with maybe the exception of the modeling industry and my ex-husband, would consider to be fat, overweight, or any of the other comments people use or we, ourselves, use to tear down our confidence. But, I do have curves...sometimes, I think a couple too wide and a few too many.

I could give you the excuses as to why I have them...a medical condition that messes with my metabolism; medicine that does the same; an injury prevents me from doing most cardio...but the truth is, I have a life. I do not get paid to look perfect all of the time. I don't have 4+ hours every day to spend at the gym or have the money for my own personal chef or health conscious meals to be delivered daily. To be honest, I work my ass off for the body that I have. Well that isn't exactly true. For the most part, I try to exercise daily and eat right, but I still have an ample ass that my ex, my friends, co-workers, and I affectionately refer to as B.O.B (Big Ol' Butt).

B.O.B has been around since I was 8 years old, or at least that was the first time my sisters' ever made me aware of my bubble butt. I am not ashamed of B.O.B. He (yes, I've decided he is male) is a part of me. Still every once in a while, like when I was trying on my new Victoria's Secret bathing suit that arrived yesterday, I find myself thinking, that is not what it looked like in the catalog. Inevitably, I start critiquing my non-washboard stomach, which despite my efforts, refuses to lay flat like a good little tummy. Then I move to my biggest nemesis: my thighs. First off, I am bow legged, so if I ever wear anything like a maxi-dress, a curve forgiving style that is super cute and flattering on so many women, I end up looking like the Liberty Bell. Something, that unless you have some sort of strange bell fetish, is not an attractive look.

I also have...gasp...cellulite. I don't want to have it. I hate every last bit of it. I've used every cellulite cream, natural detox drink, and massage therapy you can think of to get id of the tiny dimples that plague my thighs,  but nonetheless, there it is spiting me, saying things like, "Did you really need that cookie, Thunder Thighs?" or "Why don't you put a little more sugar in you tea, Tons of Fun?" 

The bright red swimsuit against my pale skin seemed to make my large thighs glow. That's when for some stupid reason, I decided I wasn't being tortured enough so I turned around to see ...B.O.B. There he was in all his glory peeking out from the corners of my bathing suit like a big ol' beach ball. I let out a sigh. Months and months of intense working out and I still had big legs, a less than perfect stomach, and of course, B.O.B. 

As I stood there debating whether to send my little red bikini back and exchange it for a one piece...or more accurately, a muumuu, I heard the news anchor cut to the terrorist attack on the Boston Marathon. The reporter was talking about the many people that were killed and injured and how a man in the midst of his own tragedy, somehow managed to give an accurate description of the perpetrators.  This hero, which helped Boston's finest correctly identify the bombers, lost his legs during the explosion. As did many others, including a dancer.

I looked back in the mirror at my legs. Instead of seeing these large, flabby, cellulite ridden appendages, I saw strong, long, fully functioning, beautiful legs that allow me to run, dance, walk, chase, catch, and smear birthday cake frosting all over the faces of my nieces and nephews. And you know what? That birthday cake tasted damn good. I may not have have the perfect body, but I do allow myself to enjoy the occasional spur of the moment decision to split fries with my sister or share a hot fudge sundae with a broken-hearted friend.

No matter what you are going through, remember, there is always someone that would do anything to have your life, your family, your spirit, your perfectly imperfect legs or your B.O.B. 

Life isn't about perfection. It's about perspective.

Anakin's 2 Days of Being Dognapped or as I Call It His "Spa Days"

Last weekend, some dognappers got more than they bargained for when they stole Anakin (a.k.a. Monkey Face) out of my yard.

It all started last Friday. I had gone out for a few hours. When I returned home, my two American Eskimos came flying up to the gate to greet me as always did. Anakin was nowhere to be found. Now that is not all that unusual. If Anakin is awake, he is right there with the other two, but if he is napping, well, it goes more like this:

Eyes open. What the hell are they barking at? I'm trying to take a nap here!

Is it a killer? No, it does not appear to be a killer.  It appears to be Mom.

Big yawn, followed by some licking of his chops that suggests he ate something foul.

Does she want me to get up? I think she wants me to get up. I don't want to get up. But wait she might have cookies. Damn it! I better get up. Obligatory tail wag and fake enthusiasm.

Anakin stuck in the cat house after chasing the cat.
(Luckily the cat got out)

This day was different. I went through the gate and followed his lead line. Now I don't normally believe in lead lines, but after trying everything to keep him from escaping my 2 1/4 acres and almost watching him get hit three times, I had to settle on a lead line to keep him safe (even though the little s%*t can still get out of his harness! I should have named him Houdini!) 

Anyway, the lead line was unclipped and Anakin was gone. Because it was unhooked, coupled with the fact that Anakin doesn't have opposable thumbs, I knew he had been taken. I started the mad hunt for him, putting up posters, contacting local vets and shelters, and in true me fashion, pulled up next to a cop that was in a hidden spot trying to bust people speeding. At first, he was not too happy about his cover being blown, but after I told him what happened and asked him to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious like the guys from 101 Dalmatians, he agreed.

Side note: Everyone speeding that day, you're welcome. 

I have to be honest I did not think I would ever see my boy again. Turns out, I underestimated my little Jedi. While I may never know what really happened, I think it went something like this:

Dognappers (after throwing food at my other dogs):"Oh, come here you poor thing. Did that mean lady tie you up?" (Anakin tries to kill them- he doesn't like people he doesn't know coming into our yard.) "Whoa! Hold on buddy we aren't going to hurt you. Here are some cookies." They then undo him from the lead line while he is distracted and take him.

Anakin: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Listen I appreciate the cookies and I dig the car ride, but you are NOT my mom.)

Dognappers: "Here this is your new home."

Anakin: "What? What are you talking about? What's going on? Where are my brothers? Where's mom? Wait... what's that? Hold on... is that... Yes! Yes, it is! CAT!!!!!!"

Dognappers: "No!"

Anakin: "No, really I got this... they squeak, let me show you. I just have to catch it. There it is!" (Hurdles the couch, knocks over the Christmas tree, several plants, stops for a minute to pee on them. The chase resumes, leading out the door, through the screen, and into the rain. One of the dognappers heads off the cat, who jumps up and claws the crap out of him followed by Anakin leaping after it. He knocks the dognappers over causing them to fall into a pile of mud as the cat runs away.

Anakin (covered in mud, tongue hanging out panting): "Did we get it?!? I'm hungry. I'm going to take my muddy butt inside and take a nap on your cream carpet while you fix me something to eat."

Two nights later, I looked out my gate and there he was standing there. His harness and lead line were removed and he was super white and fluffy and smelled like shampoo. Apparently, they had given him a bath. I don't know if they let him out to go to the bathroom and he ran back home or if they waited until late at night and dropped him off at my gate. All I know is my little Monkey Face is home safe. And he got a bath that I didn't have to pay for! WOO-HOO!

Anakin "Monkey Face" Happy to be home.

***Valentine's Day is coming up! Don't forget my book, Why Am I Still Single? is available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com for all the single people out there.  ***

Granny Get Your Gun

You know one of the the things I love most in the world is a feisty Granny.

The other day I was watching the news, something I normally avoid doing at all costs, but it came on after a show I was watching and I was too busy to change the channel because, once again, I was explaining to Anakin (my husky) the difference between the cat and his chew toy which he has found if you bite down on just right, will both make the same squeaky noise.

Anyway, the reporter is interviewing this Granny who, of course, knowing she was going to be on the news, is in her typical Grandma snap down the front robe complete with matching pink slippers. The interview went something like this:

Reporter: "So when did you notice something?'

Granny: "When I looked out the window and saw him standing there. I said, ' What da hell you doin'? ' "

(This is my favorite part)

Granny continues:  "He said, 'I'm washing your window. I said, 'Witha brick?!?' So I shot him. I don't know if I hit'em but he was walkin' away from the house moving real slow, so I shot him again. Then he was movin' even slower. Damn fool. I don't know where he went but wherever it was it was slow."

You go Granny!

Hope ya'all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!!