Six Ways to Tell He Isn't Into You

Let's face it - we've all had a crush on some guy that we like or are dating but just can't seem to figured out where we stand with him. One minute you think OK, this guy is crazy about me. The next you feel like you have developed the bubonic plague or are wondering if he has been kidnapped and has no way of communicating with the outside world.

Well, I have created a short list of signs that will tell you when to throw in the towel when your man is running hot and cold.

He doesn't text or call you for days. 

He always has his phone on him. It is like an extension of his hand. He looks at it 20 times an hour, sleeps with it next to his pillow, yet he still hasn't responded to a text you sent 3 days ago. I don't care how busy someone is, if they like you they will find make the time to keep in touch with you even if it is just to tell you they are in meetings all day but want you to know they are thinking of you. There are 2 reasons for his lack of communication: He either got so excited that you texted him that he fainted or he just isn't into you.

He doesn't know or care about your birthday.

If a guy likes a girl, he is happy that she was born and wants to recognize it in some way, especially if you are just starting to date. He will look for a reason to show you he cares. So unless you are a gold digging bitch that told him you expect nothing but 4 star restaurants, getaways to exotic locations or diamonds from Tiffany’s, the fact that he doesn't acknowledge your existence on your special day means he doesn't consider you special to him. Or he is just so absorbed in his own world that he doesn't take time to realize other people do exist in which case, he is too selfish to be in a relationship anyway.

 He has a total double standard.

He seems to want you around when he has something upsetting him like an illness or death, but when you have something important going on he suddenly becomes Waldo. You can’t seem to find him anywhere.

Again, he only cares about himself and doesn't really care what is going on in your life. Stop making yourself so readily available and seeing his turning to you in his time of need as a sign he is into you. The reason he is running to you is because he knows you’re dependable. He is not. Save your energy for someone that understands how to give, not just take.

It’s all about the sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with you having a friend with benefits or a booty call guy. To me that is a lot safer than picking up some stranger off the street to have sex with while you are waiting to meet the right guy. The problem comes when you have feelings for this person so you drop everything – dates with prospective beaus, plans with girlfriends, etc, just to go spend time with this guy hoping that this will be the time he realizes his love for you.

Everything is done on his terms. 

He doesn't come to see you. He may expect you to go to a wedding or game with him, but won’t go out with your friends, visit you, or be bothered with any of your interests. Sex is also pretty much on his terms. He does the calling, and while he won't commit to you, he always seems to want to get busy whenever you have a date. That doesn't mean he wants you...it means he wants to keep you under his uhhhhh, thumb, and doesn't want anyone else to have you. Until he finds someone he really wants to be with, he wants you around as his safety net.

He keeps you his little secret.

You haven’t met his friends. He doesn’t really take you out in public. He never comments on your Facebook page…I mean ever. His page is littered with females, but you’re not one of them. Take the hint. He is either embarrassed and doesn’t want people to know you are involved or he wants to keep his options open. That said, keep your options open. Look, I’m not saying the guy has to comment on every Facebook post you make. Some people are private people and that is perfectly fine. But if he isn't playing with you a little on social media, makes a stink if you comment or post on his page, or immediately responds making sure everyone knows your “just friends” plus treats you like you are in the Witness Protection Program it’s time to move on. When you are important to someone, they want to introduce you to the other important people in their lives to see what you think of them, what they think of you, and if you mesh well. If he isn’t bringing you around those people or acknowledging your existence in his life, there is a reason for it. Find someone that is proud to be with you and wants to tell the world you are his girl (and no I don’t mean that in the creepy he owns you sense).

He constantly flirts with other girls or keeps you away from them.

Whether it's in public or on Facebook, if he is constantly making comments about how hot other girls are or tries to direct you away from the gorgeous barista at the local coffee house then chances are, he isn't serious about you. Now, I'm not saying that he can't have friends of the opposite sex, but if he doesn't want you interacting with them, there is probably a reason and that reason is probably that he is dating (or wants to be) one of them.

The same goes for flirting. There is a difference between your guy telling a woman, " Oh, that dress looks nice on you" and "Wow you look hot! Damn girl! I know what I'm going to be dreaming about tonight." If your guy doesn't care if you see him outright flirting or if he doesn't have enough sense to know the difference between being respectful and disrespectful, then cut him loose. Chances are, even if you were ever to get serious, he would still cross the line of inappropriateness and then call you psycho for calling him on it.

Remember if a guy likes you he will make an effort to keep in contact with you, remember things that are important, look for ways to show you he cares, and try to find ways to integrate you into his life. If he is not doing these things and you are still catering to his every whim and dropping everything for him, he isn't going to see it as sweet and see you as potential girlfriend material. He is going to see you as a doormat.

***** ***Don't forget to follow me on here and on Facebook. And be sure to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com **************************

Will Social Media Lead to The End of Monogamy?

I'm a traditional girl. Stop laughing. I am. Sure, I am incredibly independent and can swear like a drunken sailor on leave but when it comes to relationships, I believe in a committed, monogamous relationship between two people.

Now, if you read my last blog (and you should because it's brilliantly entertaining), you will remember that I discussed how social media is killing dating. Well, it turns out, social media is a bit of a serial killer because it has launched an assault on monogamy as well. Before everyone gets all huffy and puffy and starts telling me how social media is the greatest thing that has happened to the world since sliced bread, let me say, to some degree, I am a big fan of social media. See, I live in, well, the Boondocks. The majority of my friends live out of state and the most exciting thing to do where I live besides the Annual Tallapoosa Possum Drop (see previous blog posts), is to go out to one of the local chain restaurants and eat yourself into a coma. So in an effort to stay in touch with my friends, and to keep myself from having to get "Wide Load" tattooed on my ass, I spend large amounts of time on social media sites. And while it is a great way to keep in touch with friends, it can be the catalyst leading to the demise of many relationships.

Allow me to paint a picture for you.

A couple is in love. They have made it past the honeymoon phase and are in a real, meaningful relationship. Like all couples, they occasionally fight. One night, they have a doozy of an argument. He storms out and she collapses crying in the bedroom. She gets on the phone with her friend and talks about what an ass her husband is; He calls up a buddy, goes to the bar, has a few beers and vents. While he is talking he notices a very attractive woman at the the end of the bar. She is pretty enough that he notices her, but he does not know her and doesn't make any effort to talk to her because he's "not that guy.". After venting for a while, he cools off and realizes maybe he said some things he shouldn't have. He pays for his beer and heads home. Across town, she is concluding the same thing. Her sister is in the middle of a nasty divorce and she realizes maybe she allowed some of the issues her sister is dealing with to creep into their argument. He comes through the door. Both have had a chance to get out of the moment, cool down, realize how much they love each other and are ready to have a calm discussion about what is bothering them.

We'll call that one "Before Social Media."

Now let's paint another picture.

A couple is in love...blah, blah, blah... they have a terrible fight. He storms out. She gets on Facebook and starts talking about what a complete asshole her husband is. People start to comment. She gets a private message from a male colleague. It starts off simply enough, "Are you OK?" She responds with an in-depth email about why her husband is the biggest jerk on the planet. Her phone rings. It's her sister. She ignores it and continues the conversation with her male colleague who is sympathetic and apologizes for the male race explaining that not all men are insensitive jerks.

Across town, he is at a local bar. He looks at his phone and reads another text. She is still arguing with him even though he has stopped responding. He ignores the text and clicks on to his Facebook. So I'm an asshole he thinks as he reads her Facebook status. He scrolls through and sees pictures of happier couples, joking and having fun with each other. An ex-girlfriend from high school sees him logged in and IMs him asking him the name of the restaurant they went to when they were kids that had the good cheesecake. They haven't really talked. It's been 20 years since they dated in high school and have only been friends through Facebook which means, they see each other's statuses and occasionally "Like" them. He wonders what she has been up to all of these years. He IMs her back and they start reminiscing. After a few minutes, she IMs her cell phone number and says  Call me.

We'll call this one "After Social Media."

See, to me, this is why social media is leading to the end of monogamy. Let's face it, every relationship has its ups and downs. That's natural. But social media creates two things that weren't there before: opportunity and fantasy.

Once upon a time, people had to go to great lengths to have an affair. First, they had to approach someone and hope not to be met with disgust. Then, if the other person was game, they had to try to catch them at work, leave a message, or call the house and ring once or however, people that have affairs communicate to let the other person know they are trying to get in touch with them. If a clandestine meeting was arranged, but something suddenly came up, there was little way to contact the other person. That usually left them sitting there at some restaurant or in some hotel alone, feeling abandoned and foolish.

Much more went into an affair and with no internet or individual cell phones, it was much easier to get caught. A person had to really evaluate their relationship to determine whether or not it was even worth it to have an affair, and in many instances, by the time it came to actual do the dirty deed, they had calmed down, made up with their spouse, and realized it probably would have been a huge mistake.

Today there are websites that you can go to if you are specifically looking to have an affair to connect with other people that are looking to do the same. Another affair convenience - the cell phone. Today, everyone has their own phone. Lovers can talk all day because texts and pictures can be deleted. If a meeting has to be canceled, a quick text can be sent immediately and the date can be rescheduled. Any time one lover has some free time, they can reach the other to see if they are available. No dodging the wife or hubby by calling and then hanging up the home phone. Simply shoot a text or IM.

Social media also provides what I like to call cyber courage.  Remember that old boyfriend from your early 20's or the head cheerleader you never had the guts to ask out in high school? Guess what! They are on Facebook. Just send them a harmless friend request to see what they have been up to. In fact, you don't even have to send them a request, just send messages back and forth. After all, what could it hurt? You are just going to catch up. It's no big deal. But then one day, you have a fight with your spouse. Or maybe it's more than a fight. Maybe it's a rough patch. And maybe you have a drink or two and decide to escape into Facebook. You see that boyfriend that always seemed to understand you or that gorgeous girl you always wished you dated.

You send an innocent message about how well they have aged or make a comment about their status. Next thing you know you are in an in-depth conversation. You find yourself thinking, why did I ever break up with him? Or you learn that the prom queen had always secretly hoped you would have asked her out. Next thing you know, you go from "liking" each other's post to talking every day and you eventually exchange numbers.

Opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I believe social media has its advantages. One of the greatest things about social media is that it puts you in contact with friends and loved ones that you may have lost touch with over the years. Through the magic of Facebook and Instagram you can take a harmless, voyeuristic peek into their seemingly perfect lives - the photos of vacations to exciting places, romantic kisses caught on camera, cute status updates... suddenly everyone has found their soul mate and everyone has movie love.

Oh, and the sex... my God...THE SEX IS INCREDIBLE...for everyone else. Well, maybe they aren't talking about it on Facebook, but you're no prude. You've visited the occasional porn site. And let me tell, they weren't doing this kind of stuff when you were in the game! Sure one of your buddies would talk about the occasional sleazy girl that he nailed that would let him do anything and everything to her, but you usually knew he was full of shit. Now, damn! Everyone is having better sex than you. You have seen it first hand. Everyone is having amazing, three and foursome, tied to the bed post, earth-shattering, multiple orgasmic sex but you.

Facebook, the internet, Instagram all create fantasies of perfect, non-compromising relationships. People don't air their dirty laundry, discuss their sexual failures and missteps, or talk about their fights (well, some do, but not for long because they usually end up broken up if they get to that stage). Instead, you get glimpses into the happy times and perfect moments, and you start to convince yourself that everyone is happy but you. Everyone is having better sex and more meaningful relationships than you. You start to doubt yourself and your relationship and again, this is where opportunity can appear because maybe someone else is feeling the same way. So you toss a line to see if anyone bites. If they aren't interested or get offended, you can always say they misunderstood or that you were only joking. If they do bite, maybe you can begin your own fantasy love story.

Now I am aware that people have to take responsibility for their own actions and if they cannot use social media responsibly, then they shouldn't use it at all. But there are those instances when even the most respectable people have lapses in judgment and someone can knowingly (or unknowingly) prey on that weak moment.

Good people caught in a weak moment can regrettably exchange true intimacy for the fantasy promised online. Fantasies are dangerous things. They have no flaws. Social media allows people to delude themselves into believing the fantasy is the reality.

Do you think social media will lead to the end of monogamy?

***Don't forget to follow me by email ***

The Naughty List

I have recently seen funny pictures on the internet of dogs confessing their bad behavior. With Christmas being so close, I decide to give my own dogs and cats (past and present) a chance to make thinks right so that they can get off Santa's Naughty List and back on the Nice List.

Now they may look sweet and innocent, but they all have multiple offenses. So I now give you...The Naughty List:

NAUGHTY LIST #1:

NAME: ANAKIN
AGE: 2
BREED: HUSKY
ALIAS: MONKEY FACE, MONKEY, FACE, MONK
CRIMES: BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE, FIGHTING, THEFT OF PROPERTY

BREAKING AND ENTERING

Broke into the cat's house

DEFENSE: "Mom said I wouldn't fit. Clearly she was wrong."

ASSAULT 

Fighting with...

and trying to eat the kitty

THEFT: WELL KNOWN SOCK THIEF

(This is what happens to the other sock that goes missing from the dryer)

ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE

(MUST sneak up from behind and stick his nose up your butt when you are wearing only a robe.

Has also been known to get right up in your face and sneeze)

NAUGHTY LIST #2:

APOLLO

AGE: 10 
BREED: GREYHOUND
ALIAS: BIG DOG, ZOOG, ZOOGY
CRIMES: THEFT, RELEASE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, TRESPASSING

THEFT

(Stole pizza off counter piece by piece and let mom and her friend think each other did it)

CHEMICAL WARFARE

(Secretly farts and then leaves the room leaving everyone else gasping for air)

TRESPASSING

(Broke into the bull pasture at the old house and chased them until they had enough and chased him)

NAUGHTY LIST #3

NAME: NEMO
AGE: 10
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
CRIMES: DRUG ABUSE AND DRUG PUSHING, MISUSE OF PROPERTY

DRUG ABUSE/ DEALING

(Snorting fire ants and trying to get doggy brother and sisters to do it too)

MISUSE OF PROPERTY

(Likes to pretend the front yard is  a spa and takes mud baths regularly)

NAUGHTY LIST #4

NAME: AXEL FOLEY

AGE: 2

BREED: LONG-HAIRED CHIHUAHUA

CRIMES: TRESPASSING, KNOWN PERVERT, ASSAULT

 TRESPASSING

(Hang out on the dining room table when Mom isn't home)

PERVERT

(Likes to hump Anakin's face...

and his Santa toy until he has an asthma attack)

(Also likes to touch, lay on, and stick his head down the shirt of women)

ASSAULT

(Likes to bonsai off the steps onto Anakin's head and fight)

NAUGHTY LIST #5

NAME: KUNIK JEFFREY

AGE: 9

BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)

ALIAS: SNEAKER DOG, NEAKERS, JEFF

CRIMES: THEFT, MURDER

THEFT

(Anakin's sock thief partner)

MURDER

(Killed Santa)

 NAUGHTY LIST #6: 

MINOR OFFENDERS

NAME: P.O.W KITTY (PIECE OF WORK)
AGE: 4
BREED- UNKNOWN
ALIAS: BURGER 
CRIME: FRAUD AND THEFT - 
EATS TINSEL AND GARLAND OFF CHRISTMAS TREE AND THEN POOPS IT OUT.

FRAUD

(Pretends to admire daisies, but really eats them)

 P.O.W. was also accused of fighting with Anakin, but that was later ruled as self-defense.

NAUGHTY LIST #7

(MINOR OFFENDER)

NAME: SAWYER

AGE: ALMOST 2

BREED: UNKNOWN

ALIAS: SOYS, BABY KITTY

CRIMES: ATTEMPTED ASSAULT, TRESPASSING

ATTEMPTED ASSAULT

(Tried to walk across the water while Mom was taking a bath)

...thankfully Anakin jumped in to save him... Mom was not happy with us.

TRESPASSING

(Trespassed on dining room table with Axel)

Sawyer is also the prime suspect in the destruction of Christmas ornaments and is believed to be the Kingpin of a hair tie theft ring.

NAUGHTY LIST #8:

NAME: COLBY JACKSON

AGE: 10

ALIAS: COLBS

CRIME: MIND-NUMBINGLY STUPID. SERIOUSLY...NOT SURE WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS SMARTER.

We also are looking for any leads on an unsolved crime: 

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have been good enough to make Santa's Nice List, but bad enough to just miss being on the Naughty List ;)

The Untaming of the Unicorn...

Today while listening to The Bert Show, I got so angry about the topic they were discussing that I almost drove off of the road trying to change the station. Now normally, I don't get emotional about these types of things, but this was different. The host was reading an article recently written by a man named Preston Waters titled, "Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns." It can pretty much be summed up like this:

Women are bad and no longer have morals or respect for themselves. Men want to sleep with everything that walks but want to marry a good girl with morals, standards, self-respect, and a hymen which is about as rare as a unicorn, according to him. However, if they do find a unicorn, they will cheat on her because she will bore them.

No really, click the link below and read the article...I'll wait.

Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns

Now, allow me to tell you why this is complete and utter crap. With the exception of the whole hymen being intact thing (hey I was married), I have always been what is considered to be a good girl... a unicorn, if you will. I don't have sex with random strangers. I don't steal, cheat, or do drugs. I have done and do charity work. I don't rely on any one to take care of me and as a bonus, I'm pretty freaking funny too.

You know what that got me. Single. Why? Because of men. You guys don't know what the hell you want. Part of it is from the wussification of the American male. Many of you can't hold a job (or won't). You have no idea how to be adults. Just because you live on your own (maybe) and have a job (maybe), that does NOT make you an adult or a grown up. Women are tired of being the good little girl that you seem to want. Why? Well allow me to use your own words, Preston:

"But then there is the other side of the spectrum, that when we do actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat. It’s like a double-edged sword. You realize it wasn’t getting the unicorn, but rather attracting something you thought never existed. It always is about the chase and never about the perfection of the woman. And that is the mindset of men in the 21st century.

What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained."

You may have noticed that women aren't exactly lining up to get married anymore. There is a reason for this. See marriage used to be about partnership. Whether it was the Caveman era of men hunting and the women gathering or the 1950's when most women stayed home, took care of the house and children while the man went out and worked all day to earn the money, it boiled down to teamwork. Somehow, we have gotten away from that.Today, women not only spend all day working, they have to come home, take care of the house and children, be a sex goddess in bed, and take care of their man. This is not just merely my opinion, but that of several women, including a large majority of my married friends that claim their day goes something like this:

Woman's day: Get ready (and possibly get children ready). Go to work for 8+ hours. Come home from work. Stop at grocery store to get something for dinner. Make dinner. Clean house. Do laundry. Do dinner and breakfast dishes because for some reason, most men think that when they take a dish and place it in the sink a little fairy comes, washes them and puts them away so that they will magically be in the cupboard the next time you need them. Pay bills. (If you have children do homework, take to any sporting things, make sure they are relatively clean). Make sure all lights are off, doors are locked, blankets are folded, etc. Sit down with something to drink and get shit for what you want to watch because it's "stupid". Go to bed. Possibly have sex. Oh, and I forgot to throw in shopping for any birthday gifts or getting ready for any holidays that may be approaching which she will most likely lie awake half of the night trying to remember if there is anything else she is forgetting.

Husbands (or boyfriends) tend to wake up, go to work, come home, lie on the couch or do some sort of activity they enjoy like gaming, watching Sports Center, or tinkering with a car. Eat dinner. Return to the couch or activity. Go to bed. They don't want to do chores because it's not "fun"(really, because we would rather dust and vacuum than go out with our friends or get a massage any day) or they feel we should ask them to do these chores (hey buddy, it's your house too, I'm not your mother. Get off your ass!)

Now, before all of the men out there get their panties in a wad, allow me to say, I do understand that not all of you are like that. Some are single fathers and others do help their wives/girlfriends. But, being a member of the dating world, ex-married world, and now, happily single world, and also, having eyes and ears, I can tell you that those men are few and far between.

For a long time, it was expected that the woman would support the man's goals and the woman's goals would be put on the back burner because, well, the man made the money and the woman's "job" was to be emotionally supportive and encouraging for the betterment of the family. They would compliment each other, go places, and do things like join bridge clubs.

But then, something changed. Women started entering the work force and I'll admit it, in a way, we screwed ourselves. Guys were like WOO-HOO! This is great. All of the burden of providing for the family no longer falls on me. While women thought, sure! I can help with the bills...and he will help with the housework and kids.

This is where there was a breakdown in communication.

See, that didn't happen. And again, I am willing to claim some responsibility for that too...just not all of it. As women, growing up, a lot of time, you heard things like, "Don't bother your father with that. He worked all day" or "You can't expect a man to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries. They aren't into that kind of stuff." Yep, we made excuses. Some of us even went so far as to get offended when a man would ask us out and then not allow us to pay our share of the date. After all, we were making money. We should be on an equal playing field. Woo-hoo for women's lib!

Shit...

Now, not only do men not offer to pay but, in many instances, they don't even offer or make up an excuse as to why they can't pay their share. I cannot tell you the number of women I know that have gone out with a guy only to be told oops he forgot his wallet or to have him get the uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom as the cashier is ringing up dinner or movie tickets. This guy usually relies on the woman feeling bad for him, buying his bullshit, or being too embarrassed (or just plain shocked) to call him on it. The same goes with birthdays. They don't have money to buy their woman a gift, but have enough money to go out drinking with the guys or buy a new video game. I can tell you with relative certainty that at least 3 men that I dated for a decent period of time could not tell you my date of birth, how many brothers and sisters I have, or, if I even have any. They never asked about my dreams or ambitions even though I constantly asked and tried to support their's.

Now you can say, well, you shouldn't date those type of guys, but what you don't understand is a lot of men are like mini con-artists. They act one way in the beginning. They are doting and may even be romantic, and tell you how beautiful or smart you are and then pull a sort of bait and switch on you. They turn into this lecherous slack ass that puts you down or tries to demean you. And the nicer girl you are, the worse it seems to be because they seem to view you has an easy mark.

So, we got sick of it and realized we were becoming the men we wanted to marry. We pay our own rent/mortgages. We buy our own things. We take care of ourselves, and frankly, we are tired of dating (or marrying) men that expect us to be a maid, mother, freak in bed, nanny, cheerleader, and financial contributor when we get nothing (or very little) in return. Seriously, men want their women to wear sexy lingerie, maybe do a strip tease every once in awhile, etc. But, men, what have you done to prep for sex? Seriously, we are lucky if we even get a little bit of foreplay and then most of you bitch about having to do that. And sorry, but pulling off your clothes, lying down, and saying, "Hop on" does not count as foreplay.

With all of the crazy porn mags,websites, and lies their buddies tell them, men expect their women to be more and more freaky...but at the same time, they don't want her to have done anything to get that experience or worry about what else or who else she might have done. If a woman is a virgin she is a prude. If she enjoys sex, she is a slut. If we are inexperienced, you are bored with us. If we are knowledgeable, we must be whores. If we dress provocatively we are hookers. If we dress conservatively, you ignore us. We are tired of trying to figure out what you want. So we stopped trying and started thinking about what we want.

Now we dress for us. We make our own money. Buy our own things. And aren't going to put up with you telling us that your dreams are more important than our's  or that you don't have to do things like buy us cards or flowers because that's "not your thing". You know what, if it isn't your thing, that means we don't have to do it for you. But if it is our thing, then every so often, you should do it for us. Not because we made you, but because you want to.

Men need to stop asking how a woman should be a woman and worry more about how a man should be a man. Stop questioning what we bring to the relationship and start asking what you bring. Do you have a job? Goals? Manners? Good relationships with friends/family?  Do you do anything to better your community or the world? Are you capable of monogamy? Are you a cheerleader for your wife(or girlfriend) or kids? Do you make an effort in bed?

I like sex...and I'm not ashamed of it and neither are 90% of my friends. It is a great stress reliever, a way to connect with someone, it makes you feel sexy, boosts your mood, and it's fun. I am not going to act like Mother Theresa and take a vow of abstinence while I wait for a great guy to come along...a unicorn if you will. And, not that there have been a lot but I have had lovers and I chose them very carefully. I'm not out picking up strangers every night in a bar but that said, have I ever sent someone I have a relationship with sexy pictures of myself or sexted? You bet your ass I have. I'm not posting it on Facebook or sending them to every person I meet because that's not who I am. It doesn't mean that isn't what works for someone else. Who am I to judge? Maybe that makes someone feel sexy. Maybe someone doesn't have the time for a relationship and would rather get involved with a stranger than risk screwing up a friendship with sex. It's not my place to judge what works for who just like it isn't your's.

Women shouldn't be (and aren't) making apologies for being strong, independent, sexual beings that know what we want. It's not that we've lost respect for ourselves. It's that we've found it. There are always going to be people that share too much in some people's opinions and don't share enough in other people's opinions. The thing is, if you care about what everyone else thinks is right and wrong, you are going to have a pretty miserable life. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But one thing we can't do is worry about what men want because the truth is you are fickle as hell and all want something different depending on the day.

Men (and their mothers) used to have a saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well in keeping with the barnyard animal theme, women came up with one of our own: Why by the whole pig when all you want is some sausage? Or in this case...a little horn?

Things That Piss me Off

After a particularly frustrating day yesterday that included, but was not limited to, dog poop with worms in it, being stuck in a department store when it lost power, a flea investation that left me with so many flea bites a blind person could mistake my body for Braille, and me almost T-boning someone because they didn't look when they turned, I have decided to vent. I have comprised a list of things that people need to stop doing so that I don't kill them. This particular list will refer to driving.

1.) Learn to drive - Contrary to popular belief, especially in the South, a light sprinkle does NOT mean that you must slow down to a snail's pace every time a rain drop hits your windshield. When you are being passed by and flipped off by turtles because you are going 4 in a 55mph it's time to pick-up the pace. That thing next to the brake...it's called a gas pedal. USE IT!

2.) You can't talk and drive. I know YOU think you can, but you can't. You are going 10 miles below the speed limit and drifting like a recovering alcoholic that just discovered flavored Vodka. If you must talk and drive at least get in the slow lane so the rest of us that aren't preoccupied with getting the latest tidbit on what Miley Cyrus is dry humping can pass you.

3.)  When you are about to pull out of a driveway, street, etc. look to see if there is anything behind me. 9 times out of 10 there is not. So before you haul ass out in front of me, making me slam on my brakes and then look at me like I'm the asshole, look to see if traffic would be completely clear before you endanger both our lives.This also applies to the person who flies 3 lanes over without even looking to get off on their exit because they were't paying attention and decides that because they want to get over, everyone else will just have to deal with it and get the hell out of the way, you know, because the world revolves around them. I'm sorry to tell you (wait, no I'm not) YOU are an asshole!

4.) Hey you! The one that goes 35 in a 70, but when I try to go around, guns it to 90mph. I'm talking to you. You are an asshole. Just because you are off daydreaming about being on The Voice or whatever, and driving slower than I could run, don't get all pissy because I pass you. Pay attention or get the hell out of the way!

5.) I'm a nice person. No, really, I am. So if I stop and allow you to cross in front of me as you walk into Wal-Mart, do NOT under any circumstances look at me like, "That's right, bitch. You will stop" and then mosey along dragging your feet. This makes me want to "accidentally" take my foot off the brake and run your slow, cocky ass over. I'm from Detroit and this isn't Canada. Pedestrians do not have the right of way. I will run your ass over. You better haul ass and give me a "thank you" wave. I'm serious. I want to see some knees to chest, bitch!

6.) Don't act like you don't see me when I am trying to merge in traffic. We are a society. I understand we all hate those people that drive on the shoulder to pass the traffic and then try to squeeze in. (BTW, quick way to combat that is to stick the ass end of your car out to block it so no one doing that can get through). But if it is a normal merge or you are coming up to a light, let a..again "a" meaning 1 car, in. I'm not asking you to let everyone in and I promise it won't kill you. Besides, it also helps restore people's faith in humanity. Really it does. Instead of being like, 'What an asshole!" when you don't let me in. I will smile and wave and think, "Awe, there are still decent humans out there." This may prevent me from later going postal on some poor barista, who then takes it out on the woman at the electric company, who just happens to be your wife, upsetting her so much that she goes home where you have the audacity to ask her what she is making for dinner after she just worked all day and got yelled at by morons, and she is not your maid so she decides to pay you back by spiking your dinner with Visine so you have the shits for the next 24 hours.

Don't have the shits for the next 24 hours. Let me in. I'll wave, then tell the barista that he makes the best white chocolate mocha latte and he will, in turn, tell your wife that she has a pretty smile while she is processing his payment, making her feel sexy, so she will go home and make you your favorite dinner sans Visine and have sex with you because you are the one that makes her smile and she is in such a good mood. So the choice is your's: Sex or shits...you decide.

So those are a few of my top offenders that have been pissing my world off lately. I am guessing I am not alone. So in the interest of making the world a better place (I'm such a giver), I have decided to share this info with you so that you can stop annoying others and me with your insensitive driving habits. Please take them to heart. I really don't want to go to jail because you don't know road etiquette. Besides, I am way too cute to go to jail. I'd end up being someone's bitch and we don't want that.

***Don't forget to check out my books "Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women" and Pain, Pain Go Away" available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com" ***

Things Women Wish Men Knew

Recently, actually I think it was yesterday, I read an article online about things men wish women knew. It contained things like "women need to stop making a big deal about and get over the fact that men leave the toilet seat up" and  if we ask a man to do something, then bitch that it isn't done the way we wanted it done, we should just do it ourselves and save men the hassle. Well, I decided since men always complain that they don't know what women are thinking, I'd try to clear some things up.

1). First, I'd like to address the toilet seat thing. Here is why it is a big deal that you leave it up. Have you ever fallen in? Probably not. That is because you stand up to pee. I guarantee if you got up in the middle of the night, all groggy, stumbled into the bathroom, went to sit down only to find yourself wedged into a porcelain ass trap, you're opinion would be different. Imagine yourself folded into a human sandwich as your butt hits ice cold toilet water that splashes all over you and your PJs, then have  to pull yourself out without peeing on yourself.

Let's face it, most guys drain the snake, give it a shake, and are off, hopefully remembering to flush before they go on their way. Most don't bother to notice the stray pee that has dripped and the curly hairs that have flown off and are now left for all to see. Major ick factor! It takes two seconds to put it back down. It takes 20 minutes to have to get out of the toilet, clean up, change your pajamas and then go pee and try to get back to sleep. Plus it pisses us off. And let's face it - you don't like us when we're pissed off.

2.)We get it. You don't want to hear about the Bachelorette or Project Runway, or any other show you think is cheesy women's crap. But if you can watch 1000 Ways to Die, Duck Dynasty, or 2 football games in a row with us being nice enough to suck it up and watch it with you (or at least not bitch about it), can't you do the same sometimes without rolling your eyes or making condescending remarks? We don't expect you to like the show, but we do like spending time with you and the fact that you are showing an interest in something we like. However, if you are just going to be an ass, then remain silent, go do something else and leave us alone to watch our guilty pleasure.

3.) And on that note, yeah, we expect you to remember our birthdays and anniversaries. Why? Because you should that's why. If you can deem things like Babe Ruth's batting average, the number of sacks Tom Brady took during his years as a Wolverine, and Kate Upton's body measurements important enough to commit to memory, then, yeah, we think you should remember the day the woman that has sex with you regularly and washes your dirty underwear was born and when you started dating/got married.

4.) "I'm not into cards or flowers or things like that. That's just not who I am." A lot of men use this as an excuse to not do things for their girlfriend/wife. If YOU aren't into cards and flowers and stuff, then that means she doesn't have to get that stuff for YOU. If your girl isn't into that stuff, fine, you're off the hook. BUT if she is into it, then once every couple months, pick up a damn card or bring her flowers. She is telling you that those are things that make her feel loved. In fact, you don't even have to buy her anything. Stick a note in her lunch that she can stumble upon that simply says, "I love you" or "You are so beautiful." Trust me, we eat that crap up!

5.) Yes, we do need all of those shoes.

6.) Housework -  One of the biggest things I hear women complain about is housework, and I swear it has accounted for many divorces. I have to be honest, it blows my mind that there are men out there that feel we should ask you to pick up your dishes or do chores. News Flash: No magic fairy comes in and  picks up your crap, washes it, and then puts it back where it belongs. And it sure as hell doesn't grow legs and walk itself there.

It is your house too. You're not a kid. We aren't your mother. You can see what needs to be done just as easily as we can. This isn't the 1950's. Men don't work all day while women stay at home and clean. Women work all day too. And surprise, surprise! We don't feel like cleaning at night or doing laundry on the weekends either, but we're grown-ups, so we do it. When you don't do your share or expect us to ask you to help, it makes us feel like you think we are beneath you. Whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it translates to us. And if we have to ask you to do it 12 times, that's not nagging. That's our way of saying you're being a lazy, inconsiderate jerk so get off your ass and help us. If you don't want us to treat you like a child or nag, then be a big grown-up and do your share.

7.) "But when I do something, she says I do it wrong." OK, first off, we're on to the whole do-a-bad-job-so-we-won't-ask-you-to-do-it-again thing. If you know your wife/girlfriend likes things done a certain way, ask her to show you and learn. You know what kind of beer your friends like. You know the proper steps you have to do to wax a car. If it's that important to her, then learn how she likes the damn towels folded. Or learn to read labels so you don't shrink her clothes. And if learning is too hard or she is insistent on washing her own clothes, then wash your's or throw in a load of towels or tell her if she does the laundry, you'll do the vacuuming. Let's face it, if she wasn't around you would have to do it all yourself. Just because you are together, doesn't mean you suddenly got a maid. And no, lifting your feet up while she vacuums is not considered helping.

8.) You do not babysit your kids when your wife/girlfriend is out. They are YOUR kids too. She needs time to herself to be alone or go out with the girls just like you need time with the guys. So don't ho and hum and act like you're doing this gianormous favor when you stay home with the kids. Your job did not stop after you made your sperm deposit.

9.) If we ask you if we look fat don't look, don't think, just say, "No" and for bonus points, tell us we're always beautiful. I understand how men think this can get annoying. Just try to understand that the women in magazines and on TV keep shrinking. They are also airbrushed to perfection and have personal trainers and chefs. In addition to those things, women's bodies are weird. We get bloated at certain times of the month and it can make us go up a size or two and feel self conscious. Be sensitive. Don't point to us lying on the couch and say, "Hey look! A beached whale." You may think you're funny, but we don't.

Understand that we are constantly being reminded that men are visual creatures. Let's face it, the women men normally look at are supermodels in bikinis or lingerie. You don't here a lot of men saying, "Wow, Adele is super sexy."  If we only hear you saying women that are a size 0 are hot and we are a size 8 or more, yeah, we're going to be worried that you aren't attracted to us and think we're fat.

Not to mention, women in general can be mean. Have you ever been at a pool and had one of your male friends point to some guy and say," OMG, he should not be wearing that bathing suit." Probably not. Women here it all the time. We are constantly being judged by women and men. So every so often, yeah, we get a little insecure. Tell us how sexy you think we are when we least expect it. I promise it will pay off. Women are more sexual when they are secure. So if you want to get some... give some (compliments that is). Also, if you do this for us, we promise not to comment on your receding hairline or refer to any body parts below the waist as "cute" or "little."

10.) "But I married you (or we're dating) so you should know I think you're beautiful." This is total and complete crap. If you work out, you want us to notice. If you get a new car, you want us to compliment you on it, even when you've had it for 5 years. If you can pay a compliment to your friend's deck building ability, prowess in fantasy drafts, or your best friend's wife's new haircut, you can throw us a little compliment every once in a while. If not, don't get mad if you find yourself alone because someone else said what you didn't think was important enough to say or you assumed we knew.

11.) If you are in a relationship with us, don't treat us like a dirty little secret. This especially applies to new relationships. We want someone that is proud to be with us and wants to let the world know we are his girlfriend. It's not like we want you to pull a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on Oprah's couch professing your undying love (besides, that didn't work out too well for Tom anyway), but we do want to be acknowledged.

Look, we all know those guys, whether they are in their 20's or 50's, that think it's not cool to say they are in a happy relationship out of fear that their friends will think they are whipped or because they still need attention from other women to have their ego stroked. If you feel like that, you are too immature to be in a relationship (and you may need new friends). We just want to know if you are that guy so we can move on. But if you like us, would it kill you to comment on a FB post or introduce us to your friends? There is a difference between keeping our relationship private and keeping us a secret. On that note, ladies, if he doesn't call, text you back, take you out in public, or introduce you to his friends or family after a few weeks, then he is either married or not interested. Don't chase. Just move on.

12.) We don't want or expect you to solve every problem we have. Men tend to be fixers. So if we come to you with a problem, you assume we want you to fix it. We don't. Sometimes we just need you to listen so that we can say our problem out loud and come up with our own solution. Other times, we just want you to agree that so-and-so was being a total bitch when she said we were too old to be wearing a certain dress. We want you to listen and be empathetic or sympathetic. It helps us bond and makes us feel like you genuinely care about what is going on in our life and what's important to us. It's not about solving problems. It's about connecting. Be happy that we respect and care enough about your opinion to share things with you. Offer a few words that let us know you are listening, then offer us a nice shoulder massage or foot rub, or to make us a cup of tea.

13.) I said it before, men our visual. Women are more emotional. Most men can see a boob and be ready to go. Most women need a little foreplay. This can be kissing, sitting on the couch holding hands, or giving us a sexy wink across the table at dinner. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a quickie. We're not asking for candlelight and a bed full of rose petals every time we have sex, but we would like something a little more romantic than having you pull down your pants and telling us to "hop on."

OK, so those are a few of the things women wish men knew. Before some of you get all snarky and start bashing everything, allow me to say, yes, I know some women are more sloppy than men; some women (this one included) love football and have no problem talking stats; and of course, some of you do housework without being asked, buy flowers and are model boyfriends/husbands. If you do all of these things, then guess what, this post doesn't apply to you.

But for those of you that this does apply to, remember to take the time to appreciate the person you are with and show them that they are important to you, whether it is with a card, cleaning the house, or an unsolicited squeeze from behind or kiss on the back of the head as you walk by. It's the little things that make a relationship. If you are going to be late, call. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Ask us how our day was and what dreams we have. These are the things that really matter. Actions speak louder than words. It's all about making someone feel loved, respected and appreciated. It is also the difference between having an extremely pissed off, resentful girlfriend/wife that secretly (or not so secretly) thinks you're a chauvinistic ass and will make your life miserable and having a happy, loving, confident partner that loves you and wants to have sex because she thinks you are wonderful and wants to show you.

I'm just sayin'.

Please Come So I Don't Feel Like A Big Loser!!!

That's right! A bookstore in Michigan is having a release party for me, (WOO-HOO!) So PLEASE if you are in the area of Berkley, Michigan on June 15th between 5-7pm, stop by.

Pain Pain Go Away will be available for purchase at the event but there will only be limited quantities of Why Am i Still Single so if you want that signed (how weird is that? I will be signing autographs.) you may want to purchase a copy in advance from Amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

Amazon Links:

Why Am I Still Single? 

Pain Pain Go Away

Barnes & Noble Links

Why Am I Still Single?

Pain Pain Go Away