Things Women Wish Men Knew

Recently, actually I think it was yesterday, I read an article online about things men wish women knew. It contained things like "women need to stop making a big deal about and get over the fact that men leave the toilet seat up" and  if we ask a man to do something, then bitch that it isn't done the way we wanted it done, we should just do it ourselves and save men the hassle. Well, I decided since men always complain that they don't know what women are thinking, I'd try to clear some things up.

1). First, I'd like to address the toilet seat thing. Here is why it is a big deal that you leave it up. Have you ever fallen in? Probably not. That is because you stand up to pee. I guarantee if you got up in the middle of the night, all groggy, stumbled into the bathroom, went to sit down only to find yourself wedged into a porcelain ass trap, you're opinion would be different. Imagine yourself folded into a human sandwich as your butt hits ice cold toilet water that splashes all over you and your PJs, then have  to pull yourself out without peeing on yourself.

Let's face it, most guys drain the snake, give it a shake, and are off, hopefully remembering to flush before they go on their way. Most don't bother to notice the stray pee that has dripped and the curly hairs that have flown off and are now left for all to see. Major ick factor! It takes two seconds to put it back down. It takes 20 minutes to have to get out of the toilet, clean up, change your pajamas and then go pee and try to get back to sleep. Plus it pisses us off. And let's face it - you don't like us when we're pissed off.

2.)We get it. You don't want to hear about the Bachelorette or Project Runway, or any other show you think is cheesy women's crap. But if you can watch 1000 Ways to Die, Duck Dynasty, or 2 football games in a row with us being nice enough to suck it up and watch it with you (or at least not bitch about it), can't you do the same sometimes without rolling your eyes or making condescending remarks? We don't expect you to like the show, but we do like spending time with you and the fact that you are showing an interest in something we like. However, if you are just going to be an ass, then remain silent, go do something else and leave us alone to watch our guilty pleasure.

3.) And on that note, yeah, we expect you to remember our birthdays and anniversaries. Why? Because you should that's why. If you can deem things like Babe Ruth's batting average, the number of sacks Tom Brady took during his years as a Wolverine, and Kate Upton's body measurements important enough to commit to memory, then, yeah, we think you should remember the day the woman that has sex with you regularly and washes your dirty underwear was born and when you started dating/got married.

4.) "I'm not into cards or flowers or things like that. That's just not who I am." A lot of men use this as an excuse to not do things for their girlfriend/wife. If YOU aren't into cards and flowers and stuff, then that means she doesn't have to get that stuff for YOU. If your girl isn't into that stuff, fine, you're off the hook. BUT if she is into it, then once every couple months, pick up a damn card or bring her flowers. She is telling you that those are things that make her feel loved. In fact, you don't even have to buy her anything. Stick a note in her lunch that she can stumble upon that simply says, "I love you" or "You are so beautiful." Trust me, we eat that crap up!

5.) Yes, we do need all of those shoes.

6.) Housework -  One of the biggest things I hear women complain about is housework, and I swear it has accounted for many divorces. I have to be honest, it blows my mind that there are men out there that feel we should ask you to pick up your dishes or do chores. News Flash: No magic fairy comes in and  picks up your crap, washes it, and then puts it back where it belongs. And it sure as hell doesn't grow legs and walk itself there.

It is your house too. You're not a kid. We aren't your mother. You can see what needs to be done just as easily as we can. This isn't the 1950's. Men don't work all day while women stay at home and clean. Women work all day too. And surprise, surprise! We don't feel like cleaning at night or doing laundry on the weekends either, but we're grown-ups, so we do it. When you don't do your share or expect us to ask you to help, it makes us feel like you think we are beneath you. Whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it translates to us. And if we have to ask you to do it 12 times, that's not nagging. That's our way of saying you're being a lazy, inconsiderate jerk so get off your ass and help us. If you don't want us to treat you like a child or nag, then be a big grown-up and do your share.

7.) "But when I do something, she says I do it wrong." OK, first off, we're on to the whole do-a-bad-job-so-we-won't-ask-you-to-do-it-again thing. If you know your wife/girlfriend likes things done a certain way, ask her to show you and learn. You know what kind of beer your friends like. You know the proper steps you have to do to wax a car. If it's that important to her, then learn how she likes the damn towels folded. Or learn to read labels so you don't shrink her clothes. And if learning is too hard or she is insistent on washing her own clothes, then wash your's or throw in a load of towels or tell her if she does the laundry, you'll do the vacuuming. Let's face it, if she wasn't around you would have to do it all yourself. Just because you are together, doesn't mean you suddenly got a maid. And no, lifting your feet up while she vacuums is not considered helping.

8.) You do not babysit your kids when your wife/girlfriend is out. They are YOUR kids too. She needs time to herself to be alone or go out with the girls just like you need time with the guys. So don't ho and hum and act like you're doing this gianormous favor when you stay home with the kids. Your job did not stop after you made your sperm deposit.

9.) If we ask you if we look fat don't look, don't think, just say, "No" and for bonus points, tell us we're always beautiful. I understand how men think this can get annoying. Just try to understand that the women in magazines and on TV keep shrinking. They are also airbrushed to perfection and have personal trainers and chefs. In addition to those things, women's bodies are weird. We get bloated at certain times of the month and it can make us go up a size or two and feel self conscious. Be sensitive. Don't point to us lying on the couch and say, "Hey look! A beached whale." You may think you're funny, but we don't.

Understand that we are constantly being reminded that men are visual creatures. Let's face it, the women men normally look at are supermodels in bikinis or lingerie. You don't here a lot of men saying, "Wow, Adele is super sexy."  If we only hear you saying women that are a size 0 are hot and we are a size 8 or more, yeah, we're going to be worried that you aren't attracted to us and think we're fat.

Not to mention, women in general can be mean. Have you ever been at a pool and had one of your male friends point to some guy and say," OMG, he should not be wearing that bathing suit." Probably not. Women here it all the time. We are constantly being judged by women and men. So every so often, yeah, we get a little insecure. Tell us how sexy you think we are when we least expect it. I promise it will pay off. Women are more sexual when they are secure. So if you want to get some... give some (compliments that is). Also, if you do this for us, we promise not to comment on your receding hairline or refer to any body parts below the waist as "cute" or "little."

10.) "But I married you (or we're dating) so you should know I think you're beautiful." This is total and complete crap. If you work out, you want us to notice. If you get a new car, you want us to compliment you on it, even when you've had it for 5 years. If you can pay a compliment to your friend's deck building ability, prowess in fantasy drafts, or your best friend's wife's new haircut, you can throw us a little compliment every once in a while. If not, don't get mad if you find yourself alone because someone else said what you didn't think was important enough to say or you assumed we knew.

11.) If you are in a relationship with us, don't treat us like a dirty little secret. This especially applies to new relationships. We want someone that is proud to be with us and wants to let the world know we are his girlfriend. It's not like we want you to pull a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on Oprah's couch professing your undying love (besides, that didn't work out too well for Tom anyway), but we do want to be acknowledged.

Look, we all know those guys, whether they are in their 20's or 50's, that think it's not cool to say they are in a happy relationship out of fear that their friends will think they are whipped or because they still need attention from other women to have their ego stroked. If you feel like that, you are too immature to be in a relationship (and you may need new friends). We just want to know if you are that guy so we can move on. But if you like us, would it kill you to comment on a FB post or introduce us to your friends? There is a difference between keeping our relationship private and keeping us a secret. On that note, ladies, if he doesn't call, text you back, take you out in public, or introduce you to his friends or family after a few weeks, then he is either married or not interested. Don't chase. Just move on.

12.) We don't want or expect you to solve every problem we have. Men tend to be fixers. So if we come to you with a problem, you assume we want you to fix it. We don't. Sometimes we just need you to listen so that we can say our problem out loud and come up with our own solution. Other times, we just want you to agree that so-and-so was being a total bitch when she said we were too old to be wearing a certain dress. We want you to listen and be empathetic or sympathetic. It helps us bond and makes us feel like you genuinely care about what is going on in our life and what's important to us. It's not about solving problems. It's about connecting. Be happy that we respect and care enough about your opinion to share things with you. Offer a few words that let us know you are listening, then offer us a nice shoulder massage or foot rub, or to make us a cup of tea.

13.) I said it before, men our visual. Women are more emotional. Most men can see a boob and be ready to go. Most women need a little foreplay. This can be kissing, sitting on the couch holding hands, or giving us a sexy wink across the table at dinner. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a quickie. We're not asking for candlelight and a bed full of rose petals every time we have sex, but we would like something a little more romantic than having you pull down your pants and telling us to "hop on."

OK, so those are a few of the things women wish men knew. Before some of you get all snarky and start bashing everything, allow me to say, yes, I know some women are more sloppy than men; some women (this one included) love football and have no problem talking stats; and of course, some of you do housework without being asked, buy flowers and are model boyfriends/husbands. If you do all of these things, then guess what, this post doesn't apply to you.

But for those of you that this does apply to, remember to take the time to appreciate the person you are with and show them that they are important to you, whether it is with a card, cleaning the house, or an unsolicited squeeze from behind or kiss on the back of the head as you walk by. It's the little things that make a relationship. If you are going to be late, call. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Ask us how our day was and what dreams we have. These are the things that really matter. Actions speak louder than words. It's all about making someone feel loved, respected and appreciated. It is also the difference between having an extremely pissed off, resentful girlfriend/wife that secretly (or not so secretly) thinks you're a chauvinistic ass and will make your life miserable and having a happy, loving, confident partner that loves you and wants to have sex because she thinks you are wonderful and wants to show you.

I'm just sayin'.

Please Come So I Don't Feel Like A Big Loser!!!

That's right! A bookstore in Michigan is having a release party for me, (WOO-HOO!) So PLEASE if you are in the area of Berkley, Michigan on June 15th between 5-7pm, stop by.

Pain Pain Go Away will be available for purchase at the event but there will only be limited quantities of Why Am i Still Single so if you want that signed (how weird is that? I will be signing autographs.) you may want to purchase a copy in advance from Amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

Amazon Links:

Why Am I Still Single? 

Pain Pain Go Away

Barnes & Noble Links

Why Am I Still Single?

Pain Pain Go Away

I'd Like You To Meet B.O.B.

I know I usually write on the humorous side, but...

Today I posted a Face In Hole picture where my friend had photoshopped our faces on Victoria's Secret models' bodies. I put the following caption with it: Too bad it isn't as easy to get these bodies as it is for us to photoshop our heads on them.

The seemingly flawless, cellulite-free, tanned, toned bodies make me both envious and insecure. After all my body has never looked like that. In fact, I don't even know that my body is capable of looking like that. Now, I'm not what anyone, with maybe the exception of the modeling industry and my ex-husband, would consider to be fat, overweight, or any of the other comments people use or we, ourselves, use to tear down our confidence. But, I do have curves...sometimes, I think a couple too wide and a few too many.

I could give you the excuses as to why I have them...a medical condition that messes with my metabolism; medicine that does the same; an injury prevents me from doing most cardio...but the truth is, I have a life. I do not get paid to look perfect all of the time. I don't have 4+ hours every day to spend at the gym or have the money for my own personal chef or health conscious meals to be delivered daily. To be honest, I work my ass off for the body that I have. Well that isn't exactly true. For the most part, I try to exercise daily and eat right, but I still have an ample ass that my ex, my friends, co-workers, and I affectionately refer to as B.O.B (Big Ol' Butt).

B.O.B has been around since I was 8 years old, or at least that was the first time my sisters' ever made me aware of my bubble butt. I am not ashamed of B.O.B. He (yes, I've decided he is male) is a part of me. Still every once in a while, like when I was trying on my new Victoria's Secret bathing suit that arrived yesterday, I find myself thinking, that is not what it looked like in the catalog. Inevitably, I start critiquing my non-washboard stomach, which despite my efforts, refuses to lay flat like a good little tummy. Then I move to my biggest nemesis: my thighs. First off, I am bow legged, so if I ever wear anything like a maxi-dress, a curve forgiving style that is super cute and flattering on so many women, I end up looking like the Liberty Bell. Something, that unless you have some sort of strange bell fetish, is not an attractive look.

I also have...gasp...cellulite. I don't want to have it. I hate every last bit of it. I've used every cellulite cream, natural detox drink, and massage therapy you can think of to get id of the tiny dimples that plague my thighs,  but nonetheless, there it is spiting me, saying things like, "Did you really need that cookie, Thunder Thighs?" or "Why don't you put a little more sugar in you tea, Tons of Fun?" 

The bright red swimsuit against my pale skin seemed to make my large thighs glow. That's when for some stupid reason, I decided I wasn't being tortured enough so I turned around to see ...B.O.B. There he was in all his glory peeking out from the corners of my bathing suit like a big ol' beach ball. I let out a sigh. Months and months of intense working out and I still had big legs, a less than perfect stomach, and of course, B.O.B. 

As I stood there debating whether to send my little red bikini back and exchange it for a one piece...or more accurately, a muumuu, I heard the news anchor cut to the terrorist attack on the Boston Marathon. The reporter was talking about the many people that were killed and injured and how a man in the midst of his own tragedy, somehow managed to give an accurate description of the perpetrators.  This hero, which helped Boston's finest correctly identify the bombers, lost his legs during the explosion. As did many others, including a dancer.

I looked back in the mirror at my legs. Instead of seeing these large, flabby, cellulite ridden appendages, I saw strong, long, fully functioning, beautiful legs that allow me to run, dance, walk, chase, catch, and smear birthday cake frosting all over the faces of my nieces and nephews. And you know what? That birthday cake tasted damn good. I may not have have the perfect body, but I do allow myself to enjoy the occasional spur of the moment decision to split fries with my sister or share a hot fudge sundae with a broken-hearted friend.

No matter what you are going through, remember, there is always someone that would do anything to have your life, your family, your spirit, your perfectly imperfect legs or your B.O.B. 

Life isn't about perfection. It's about perspective.

Anakin's 2 Days of Being Dognapped or as I Call It His "Spa Days"

Last weekend, some dognappers got more than they bargained for when they stole Anakin (a.k.a. Monkey Face) out of my yard.

It all started last Friday. I had gone out for a few hours. When I returned home, my two American Eskimos came flying up to the gate to greet me as always did. Anakin was nowhere to be found. Now that is not all that unusual. If Anakin is awake, he is right there with the other two, but if he is napping, well, it goes more like this:

Eyes open. What the hell are they barking at? I'm trying to take a nap here!

Is it a killer? No, it does not appear to be a killer.  It appears to be Mom.

Big yawn, followed by some licking of his chops that suggests he ate something foul.

Does she want me to get up? I think she wants me to get up. I don't want to get up. But wait she might have cookies. Damn it! I better get up. Obligatory tail wag and fake enthusiasm.

Anakin stuck in the cat house after chasing the cat.
(Luckily the cat got out)

This day was different. I went through the gate and followed his lead line. Now I don't normally believe in lead lines, but after trying everything to keep him from escaping my 2 1/4 acres and almost watching him get hit three times, I had to settle on a lead line to keep him safe (even though the little s%*t can still get out of his harness! I should have named him Houdini!) 

Anyway, the lead line was unclipped and Anakin was gone. Because it was unhooked, coupled with the fact that Anakin doesn't have opposable thumbs, I knew he had been taken. I started the mad hunt for him, putting up posters, contacting local vets and shelters, and in true me fashion, pulled up next to a cop that was in a hidden spot trying to bust people speeding. At first, he was not too happy about his cover being blown, but after I told him what happened and asked him to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious like the guys from 101 Dalmatians, he agreed.

Side note: Everyone speeding that day, you're welcome. 

I have to be honest I did not think I would ever see my boy again. Turns out, I underestimated my little Jedi. While I may never know what really happened, I think it went something like this:

Dognappers (after throwing food at my other dogs):"Oh, come here you poor thing. Did that mean lady tie you up?" (Anakin tries to kill them- he doesn't like people he doesn't know coming into our yard.) "Whoa! Hold on buddy we aren't going to hurt you. Here are some cookies." They then undo him from the lead line while he is distracted and take him.

Anakin: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Listen I appreciate the cookies and I dig the car ride, but you are NOT my mom.)

Dognappers: "Here this is your new home."

Anakin: "What? What are you talking about? What's going on? Where are my brothers? Where's mom? Wait... what's that? Hold on... is that... Yes! Yes, it is! CAT!!!!!!"

Dognappers: "No!"

Anakin: "No, really I got this... they squeak, let me show you. I just have to catch it. There it is!" (Hurdles the couch, knocks over the Christmas tree, several plants, stops for a minute to pee on them. The chase resumes, leading out the door, through the screen, and into the rain. One of the dognappers heads off the cat, who jumps up and claws the crap out of him followed by Anakin leaping after it. He knocks the dognappers over causing them to fall into a pile of mud as the cat runs away.

Anakin (covered in mud, tongue hanging out panting): "Did we get it?!? I'm hungry. I'm going to take my muddy butt inside and take a nap on your cream carpet while you fix me something to eat."

Two nights later, I looked out my gate and there he was standing there. His harness and lead line were removed and he was super white and fluffy and smelled like shampoo. Apparently, they had given him a bath. I don't know if they let him out to go to the bathroom and he ran back home or if they waited until late at night and dropped him off at my gate. All I know is my little Monkey Face is home safe. And he got a bath that I didn't have to pay for! WOO-HOO!

Anakin "Monkey Face" Happy to be home.

***Valentine's Day is coming up! Don't forget my book, Why Am I Still Single? is available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com for all the single people out there.  ***

Granny Get Your Gun

You know one of the the things I love most in the world is a feisty Granny.

The other day I was watching the news, something I normally avoid doing at all costs, but it came on after a show I was watching and I was too busy to change the channel because, once again, I was explaining to Anakin (my husky) the difference between the cat and his chew toy which he has found if you bite down on just right, will both make the same squeaky noise.

Anyway, the reporter is interviewing this Granny who, of course, knowing she was going to be on the news, is in her typical Grandma snap down the front robe complete with matching pink slippers. The interview went something like this:

Reporter: "So when did you notice something?'

Granny: "When I looked out the window and saw him standing there. I said, ' What da hell you doin'? ' "

(This is my favorite part)

Granny continues:  "He said, 'I'm washing your window. I said, 'Witha brick?!?' So I shot him. I don't know if I hit'em but he was walkin' away from the house moving real slow, so I shot him again. Then he was movin' even slower. Damn fool. I don't know where he went but wherever it was it was slow."

You go Granny!

Hope ya'all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!!

I'd Like To Thank The Academy...

I rock!

OK, I am truly honored and speechless to have been awarded the Liebster Blog Award for the 2nd time. I am certain this award will cause my phone to start ringing off the hook with movie offers, book deals, and of course the possibility of being Tom Cruise's next wife. Sorry Tom, I'll have to take a pass. If you have read any of my posts, ( and come on, I'm sure you are an avid reader of mine) I'm certain you know that I have a mouth and I know how to use it (did that sound kinky?) which I am told is "frowned upon" in the world of Scientology.

Anyway, to accept the award, I am told that I have to 1st answer the following questions that were presented to me my by the person that nominated me for this totally awesome award:

 http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com

1.) Do you consider yourself to be super-duper fly?

Yes. Well...kinda. No... you know what, I do. I rock and I'm not afraid to say so! If you are with me, you are going to have fun. I accept people for who they are. I feel I have a good heart but also have a backbone. 

2.) What is your favorite reality show?

 I HATE reality TV... does Jon Stewart count because I love him and Stephen Colbert.

3.) Do you fear that the Apocalypse or Armageddon will occur in your lifetime? 

I'm not that vain to think it will happen, but I'm not that vain to think that it isn't possible. But I do have to say   that being super-duper fly would help me to survive;) LOL

4.) What is one of your top three favorite quotes of all time?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

5.) Who is your Favorite writer?

Dave Barry

6.) Can you recite any movie in its entirety, and if so, which one?

When Harry Met Sally, Weekend At Bernie's, The Usual Suspects, Christmas Vacation, Beauty and the Beast (thanks to watching it a gazillion times with my nephew when he was 2), probably many more. Wow, I need a life.

7.) What one person has most influenced your life thus far?

Jacob King (My friend's brother that died at a very young age) and the many wish kids I worked with through Make-A-Wish.

8.) What is your favorite childhood memory?

Christmas-sitting upstairs with a cup of cocoa staring at the Christmas tree (I still do that). I also liked going to our cottage up North.

9.) Why do you blog?

My blog is called Seriously, WTH? I do not feel that I should have to hold in the stupid shit people do. I think others should have to share the knowledge that clouds up my brain. I also am compelled to write(not by a witch or anything weird)...whether it is for my own amusement or just because I have stuff inside I want to get out. If I can make someone else laugh or thing, "OMG! I think that too" and it helps make their day a little better it makes mine better. I like knowing I make people smile.

10.) What is the most terrifying thing to ever happen to you?

I was in a car accident. One night when I was lying in bed I couldn't move...I couldn't speak. My dad walked by and I tried to call out to him but couldn't. I was terrified. It was like I was trapped inside my own body. Somehow I managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and was fine. Never happened before and never happened again but seriously freaked me out.

And finally, number 11) Do you wipe front to back or back to front?

I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.

Now I get to nominate blogs and give people questions. And the nominees for totally awesome rockin' blogs are (note some of you I did not nominate because I saw you on Aubree's site (i.e. HillBlocksView, pullmyfunnybone and jennoddo) and thought you would kill me if I made you do this again;):

http://www.sssporchparty.com/
http://justermie.blogspot.com/
http://myworldaccordingtomeii.blogspot.com
http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/2012/12/ollies-update.html
http://chiz-chat.blogspot.com/2012/11/feathered-matter-inc.html
http://seriouslyshutthefrontdoor.blogspot.com/2012/05/shizzle-that-is-said.html
http://www.survivingboys.com/2012/11/the-best-worst-coffee-ill-ever-drink.html
http://ilikeitonthetable.blogspot.com/
http://orphandoll.blogspot.com/
http://www.abeerfortheshower.com/
http://www.southernortherner.com/

Now, here are your 11 questions:

1) If education and salary wasn't an issue and you could have any job in the world, what job would you choose?

2) If you had the ability to know what other people really thought about you would you want to?

3)If you could be any other person besides yourself (and don't give me the crap about "I'm happy being me" play the game!!!) who would you be?

4) What is the one gift you hope you are going to get for Christmas?

5) What was your biggest "blond" moment?

6) If you could be invisible and be in a room to overhear a conversation (past or present) what would the conversation be (Old love? Watergate? Kennedy Assasination? Snooping on kids?)

7) Who is your favorite comedian/ humor writer?

8) If you could be a member of the opposite sex for 24 hours what would you do?

9)What is your favorite Christmas movie?

10) I'm stealing this question because I liked it - Why do you blog?

11) What is the one thing that you wish more people knew about you? (Maybe a misconception you wish you could set straight, a talent you have, or something else.)

Congrats to the nominees. I hope you accept the award. To do so, copy and paste the award from my page, post who you got the award from, answer my 11 questions, come up with 11 questions of your own and nominate 11 totally awesome bloggers;)

Oh! And don't forget my book will make great stocking stuffers...OK, maybe not stocking stuffers, but great presents for the single people in your life ...

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_21?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone&sprefix=why+am+I+still+single%2Caps%2C192

or
 For anyone suffering from chronic pain (migraines, back, fibromyalgia, etc)

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354631906&sr=8-2&keywords=pain+pain+go+away

Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey

Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-1&keywords=shay+stone

For those suffering from chronic pain

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354062185&sr=8-2&keywords=shay+stone