E is for The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?

Take my kids...pleeeeeeease.

Alright, I don't have kids, except for the furry variety. But there is a new epidemic among people that have actual human kids. It all started one day when I was driving and I saw the following sign:

My first thought was how huge are these kids? Are we talking Paul Bunyan size kids? Why are they selling them? Too expensive to feed? To clothe? It must be a total bitch to try to find school clothes that fit. Maybe that was why.

I didn't think much more about it until I came across another sign a few weeks later:

300 moms selling kids and at bargain prices? What could these children have possibly done? Is that why they are on sale? My mind flashed back to when I was little and my brother used to blackmail me into doing stuff by telling me if I didn't my parents would give me away. Apparently he didn't think they could get any money for me. Now, I didn't think my parents would actually give me away, so when I would refuse to do what he wanted he would hold me down, grab my arm, make me smack myself in the face and say, "Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?" He also used to tell me that they found me in a garbage can or that I was adopted. (Don't worry I got even. One day, my 14 year old nephew came to me looking for dirt he could use against his dad when he wanted to do stuff. I told him to ask his dad about the time he was 16 and spent the night in jail for trying to do a beer run. Then I told my nephew if his dad said anything, tell him I said that was for the time when I was 8 and he locked me outside at night in the dead of Winter with no shoes and in my puppy dog nightgown.

Hey, you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Anyway, when I saw that kids were on sale, I thought, I have some friends that want kids. Maybe I could do my Christmas shopping early. But then I thought, where would I store them until next Christmas? They'd probably get all whiny and be like, I'm hungry. I need food. I have to go to the bathroom. These air holes aren't big enough. After a few days of consideration, I thought, well it won't hurt to go look. Sadly, I was to late, or I just couldn't actually find the sale. (Same thing happens when I try to find a "Moving Sale." I go to where they are supposed to be, but by the time I get there, you guessed it, they have moved. And as I am not in the market for a garage or a yard, I rarely stop at those...unless it's a really nice yard.)

I was a little bummed, but then I figured, the good ones probably would have been all picked over, leaving only some really bad ones. I mean, isn't that why their moms were selling them? I did think how nice it would have been to pick up some bad ones and UPS them to my brother, but que sera sera.

Over the next few days, I kept thinking what is with this sudden epidemic of mothers trying to sell their children? How bad could these children have actually been? Then I came across another sign:

Whoa, wait a minute! Wow, not even cool kids were safe? And they had them on consignment? What is going on? How does that work? Do the parents drop the kids off at a shop or is it like a layaway thing? Are boys or girls more expensive? Do you pay more if they are in good condition? Do I get a discount if I buy like 7 or 8? I figure I could get 1 or 2 for myself, then buy some and put them up for my friends. Surely, cool kids wouldn't complain about wanting food or larger air holes in their boxes. Maybe I could even take them out and play with them every once in a while before I gave them away. I would let them eat or use the bathroom if they, say loaded my dishwasher? Vacuumed? Hey, maybe I could get them to take care of my lawn problem! I have to be honest, it was tempting.

I decided not to get any just yet. I hope to be moving soon and didn't want to have to use any extra boxes to store them that could be used for something else like books or dishes. I opted to wait until the big Memorial day sale or after Christmas sale when I can maybe get them on clearance or come across a 2 for 1. I wonder what the return policy is on that? I guess if I get them and they are mean, evil and rotten and the moms won't take them back I can just ship them to my brother.


Payback's a bitch;)

Tomorrow's Post: F is for Freaks and "F"- that!

D is for My Drug Addict Dog

Ruff, ruff, bark, ruff, grrr, bark bark.

Loosely translated from dog to human: Hello, his name is Nemo and he's an addict.

Yes, that's right. I have the world's first drug addicted dog. I mean, it's not like he is out snorting coke or selling himself for meth, at least not that I know of anyway. No, the latest drug craze sweeping the animal kingdom is... fire ants.

Drug Lord

It all started when Nemo, my American Eskimo a.k.a Spitz,  came in one day looking like he had some irritation on his nose. I tried to put some Neosporin on it, which he naturally mistook for a gel-y goodness treat and licked off. The next day, it was a little worse so I gave him a Benedryl...did I forget to mention that he is allergic to himself? Oh yeah, he totally is. Maybe it's just pollen and crap getting on his fur, but he sneezes several times a day in a manner that involves his whole body, sometimes making his feet actually leave the ground. He is always incredibly surprised by this and afterwards, he  looks at me like, Holy crap! What the Hell was that?!?

Nemo -his nose used  to be solid black.

Anyway, Benedryl  didn't work. Within three days, his nose looked like the fake nose Rudolph's father makes him wear to cover up his red nose. By the fifth day, the damn thing looked like it was going to fall off. Afraid he had cancer or some mutant elephant nose doggy disease I took him to the vet who had no idea what the problem was.

Again...it used to be ALL black.

Finally, my friend saw an Animals Behaving Badly documentary. When he first told me about the show, I was afraid it was going to be about animals robbing banks or dogs on cheaters. The female dog catching her boyfriend dog with another girl dog, attacking her and barking, "That's my man, Bitch!" But no, because that would be ludicrous. Instead, the one my friend saw was about a drug addicted bird.

Turns out the bird would dive bomb into piles of fire ants causing them to spray a poison that causes the animal to get high. Now I had noticed Nemo had been hanging around some fire ant piles that were notorious for being a bad crowd. Still, I thought he was smart enough to stay away. But then one day, there he was, pawing at the pile. Looking back, I had noticed he would come in with his bleary eyes red and half opened, seeming incredibly chilled, and looking at me like, Mom, do we have any chips or cookies? I've got the munchies. He would also start whimpering, wining, and scratching at the door to go outside after only being inside for an hour. I now know, he was jones-ing for a fix.

Die! Die! Die!

Naturally, I was pissed. How dare these little pushers come on to my property and hook my baby! I had to get rid of them. I tried fire ant killer, but they just moved their pile or a new drug lord would just take over for the old one. Frustrated, one day my anger got the best of me. I was on my riding lawnmower and saw one of their little drug dens. I hit the gas and yelled, "Bonzai, you little bastards!" Not sure why I chose Bonzai, but in the fit of anger, people often yell strange things. I plowed through the den and they went flying all over the place. I felt victorious, so when I saw another one, I gunned it again. Only this time, the lawnmower stalled right on top of the pile. Not good...

Drug Den

I was swarmed. It was a blood bath, one from which my lawnmower would never recover. The other pile I had massacred...well turns out, I just scattered them everywhere. There are now little drug dens all across my 2 and 1/4 acre property and suddenly, I live in a "bad" neighborhood.

I tried to get Nemo into a 12 step program, but that is like 84 in doggy steps and he just doesn't have the patience...not when there are so many ant piles to snort.

Tomorrow's post: The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?

C is for Colonoscopy Sweepstakes?

I am really glad my blog is called Seriously WTH? because I swear you can't make this crap up.


About 2 weeks ago, maybe more, maybe less. I have no concept of time. Well, actually I do, it's just my memory that sucks. Anyway, I was watching TV and a commercial with Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne came on that went something like this:


"Ozzy? 
Yeah? 
Do you have a secret fantasy? 
Yes. I'd like to fly to New York for a colonoscopy."

Ozzy "The Prince of Darkness" Osbourne
pimping a colonoscopy?

Obviously, I thought I had heard it wrong. Then I saw the commercial again with Ozzy still pining for his fantasy colonoscopy. My first thought was that we, the American people, were getting punked. Well, actually that wasn't my first thought. The first thing that came to mind was, hey,whatever kinky sex thing you want to do in your own bedroom is your business. Whatever turns you on, man. But for the love of God, don't go on National television, talk about it and put that image in my head. 


Once I found out that it was a real honest sweepstakes, I decided I needed to further probe the issue. So I looked into exactly what the prize package was and this is what I found:


"Enter the CBS Cares Colonoscopy Sweepstakes! If you win our grand prize, we'll fly you to New York for three nights in a luxury hotel, watch the sun rise over Central Park, then kick back, relax and enjoy a complimentary colonoscopy! So what are you waiting for? You can't win if you don't enter. Visit cbs cares.tv. CBS cares. Making your fantasies come true."


Seriously?!? Kick back and relax while we shove this thing up your ass? Talk about a sweepstakes I don't want to win.

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne

Now, I appreciate the sentiment. Ozzy encouraged Sharon to have a colonoscopy and that ended up saving her life. I even think it's kind of cool, albeit incredibly odd, that CBS is doing this and calling it a sweepstakes. But what's next a pap smear or  prostate contest? What kind of strange ass sado masochist came up with this idea and what network executive upon hearing it went, "Oh yeah! Dude, that's good. We've got to do that!"


So to those of you that are reading this post and thinking, "Awesome, that's always been my secret fantasy too! I wonder if I could still enter?" Sadly, the answer is no. The contest ended March 31st. And that's too bad, because my guess is there probably weren't many entries and I'm thinking you would've had a pretty good shot at winning. I bet that's a prize that people don't go in on an office pool. How would you split that? 


I have to go see my doctor now. Not for a colonoscopy, but for some type of drug or shock treatment that will get this image of Ozzy and Sharon's colonoscopy bedroom sex romp out of my brain!


Click on this link to view the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvRFRMJff-E


Tomorrow's post: D is for My Drug Addicted Dog.

B is for Blind People - Why does Disney Hate Them?

I think Disney, hates blind people.

In order to illustrate what I am talking about, I have to tell a little story. I met my now-ex-husband when he was working for Disney. I won't bore you with the details so in short, eventually we got married. He and his family had an obsession with Disney unlike anything I had ever seen. Not only had he been employed there, but  so had all of his friends and eventually his mother and sister too.

FORE!!!!!!!!
EPCOT -Disney World

Because of this, we were able to visit the Walt Disney Parks whenever we wanted, which was often because it was free, well you know, besides having to sign over your first born for a burger and to take a mortgage out if you wanted fries and a drink with it.

OK, back to my point. One of the places we visited was EPCOT. If you aren't familiar with this park it is best known for what looks like a golf ball that is larger than Tiger Woods ego. I am still relatively unclear as to why it is in EPCOT when you consider the rest of the park is a compilation of several countries that you can visit, enjoy the scenery, and dine on the native foods, which the women and children normally do, while the men head over to the English pub and get hammered on beer ordered by the yard ( as in 3 feet tall).

I realize I may have lost many of you who are now on the first plane to Florida for yards of beer, but for those that are still with me, on with the story because this is why I believe Disney hates the Blind.

In order to get to EPCOT, you must walk down some stairs, stroll down The Boardwalk which is a place with several restaurants, face painters, and balloon toys that cost more than my first car. After you head down the Boardwalk, which has a lake or river or some Disney creation flowing along side it, you come to the ferry. You stand in line, get on this boat that eventually (and by eventually, I mean you go about 15 feet) drops you off at the front of EPCOT where you purchase your tickets to enter the park. Once in, you walk down a winding path littered with shops selling toys, t-shirts and other must have Disney memorabilia that  will eventually end up in a cardboard box under your basement stairs or in your attic.After you have spent most of your life savings, you continue down the bricked path. THIS is where you find the Braille map.

My ex-in-laws (that aren't blind) finding the Braille map.

So let's assume you are blind and alone or with other blind friends (because apparently I think they travel in packs). How the hell will you even know where to find the Braille map? Shouldn't there be one on the Boardwalk, another when you get off the ferry, and another as soon as you enter EPCOT. Is it fair that you need a Braille map to find the Braille map? The only good news is that once you are inside, maybe you can find a country that is more conscientious to the needs of the Blind and if not, you can always get drunk on a couple yards of beer. Just be careful not to run into the giant golf ball on the way.

Tomorrow's Blog: C is for Colonoscopy Sweepstakes (It's real, I swear).

A-Z Challenge: A is for Askmen.com and Asses

So this is my first time participating in the A-Z Challenge. While I am excited to do it, I am also a little nervous because I never know what the hell may come out of my mouth. As of right now, I plan to tackle such hard-hitting, newsworthy topics as my drug addicted dog and lesbian torture chambers.

Today, I'd like to give a shout out to Askmen.com. They voted for the Top 99/ Most Desirable Women of 2012. Sadly, I did not make the list. I would get more into that, but the pain is too deep and I am still trying to recover. Anyway, the most desirable woman is (dadadada): Sophia Vergara.

Let me tell you why this makes me happy. I have an ass. Yes, that's right the secret is out. Since the time I was 8 years old, I have been teased about having a bubble butt. I don't mind. I'd rather have a bubble butt than suffer from Noassatall syndrome. This was never a big deal when I was growing up because the ideal size for women was thought to be a size 6. True, that is down from the 1950-60s size 10 or 12 that was viewed as ideal -think Marilyn or Mansfield - but it is still up from the size 0-2 that is considered sexy by women today.

I say considered sexy by women because if you notice women's magazines show what appear to be women that strongly resemble lollipops that look like all they had to eat was a Tic Tac they cut in half and shared. Seriously, I think most of them are lying down in the advertisements because they don't have the strength needed to hold up their heads.

Now if you pick up a men's magazine and check out the hotties, it is totally different. Men like curves which is illustrated by Kim Kardashian (even though she annoys the hell out of me) and  Scarlett Johansson cracking the top 10 and 39-year-old Sophia Vergara nabbing the top spot. (WOO-HOO!) Proof that women over 25 that aren't a size 2 still got it!

This all works for me because I am currently 37 and not a size 2, which, with my ass, I don't think it is physically possible for me to ever be. As a matter of fact, it was an inside joke with my ex-husband and his family who all referred to my butt as B.O.B. (Big Ol' Butt). That coupled with my preference of crab legs and creme' brule to half a Tic Tac makes it almost certain that I will never get below the once desirable size 6.

So once again to all of the people that voted at Askmen.com and chose the more voluptuous women, my ass thanks you. It is so appreciative that I am willing to overlook the offensive list of Most Desirable Women to Marry vs Most Desirable Women to Have for a Mistress. Although I have not checked those lists out yet, so if I have made either one of them, then I would like to retract my "offensive" comment and replace it with "wildly insightful and on target." B.O.B and I would be happy to pose for any pictures you may need.

Note: While looking for photos of skinny women, a website link came up and the sentence under it said: "If you have to eat, do it in front of people. They are teaching people how to be anorexic. SMH Bring on the curves and let's bring sexy back!

Versatile Blogger Award - Yeah BABY!!!

WOO-HOO! I was given another award! I found out when I was having one of the crappiest days and it totally turned my day around. I have no idea what this award is for, but I don't care, I am an award hoarder and will take as many as you guys want to give. Apparently, I get my self-esteem from them, so keep'em coming;) 


I want to give a special shout out to Ermie at Just Ermie for picking my blog (particularly because you picked it for my sarcasm). Be sure to visit her blog at: http://justermie.blogspot.com/

OK the rules are THERE ARE NO RULES! Just kidding. Here they are:

1. Nominate 15 10 others for the award and inform them with a comment on each of their blogs. OK, you are supposed to do 15 but my mom is in the hospital and I'm trying to recommend blogs I like and that haven't already received this award.

2. Create a post for the Versatile Blogger Award.

3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.

4. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself.

5. In the same post, include this set of rules. 

Seems pretty easy so here we go:

7 COMPLETELY RANDOM PIECES OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME

1.) I have 3 dogs and 1 cat, all of which have at least 4 names that they respond to;

2.) I was in a car accident, had 7 surgeries, can't read books and can barely look at a computer. I type by looking at the keyboard; I take it as a great compliment when people tell me they would never know I was in an accident/have a head injury;

3.) I appreciate why they have to do them, but the Humane Society and the ASPCA have the saddest, worst commercials. As soon as I hear the Sarah McLachlan song start I have to change the channel or run out of the room. Damn doggy and kitty snuff films!

4.) I am a die hard Red Sox fan and my favorite player in the world was Mike Lowell before he retired;

5.) I would rather have my head set on fire than get married again, which makes me PERFECT for George Clooney...just sayin.'

6.) Every time I see some idiot wearing his pants around his knees, I have to do everything in my power to keep from giving him an atomic wedgie because believe me, he deserves it!

7.) If I could trade places with anyone in the world(and I'm not going to say the bull about being happy to be me) I think I would trade places with Heidi Klum or George Clooney. They both just seem so happy, successful and to enjoy their lives. Although if I was Heidi, I would have much better taste in men... or at least date hotter guys. Did you ever see her first husband? And seriously, Seal? He dated Heidi and screwed that up?!? Moron! And if I was George, I'd probably be gay and date Brad Pitt. Well, I'd probably just use him for sex, but you get the idea.

Okay, those are my random seven. Now to pick my blogs:

 If you want to laugh visit, well, my blog, but also these great ones:

http://noisyquiet.blogspot.com/

Gwendolyn @  http://www.pullmyfunnybone.com/ 

Addman @ http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/

Flip @  http://hillblocksview.blogspot.com/

Barfly @ http://www.sssporchparty.com/

http://www.frazzledandfrumpy.blogspot.com/ 

Mama Diaries http://sherryellis.blogspot.com/ 

http://bob-lostintime.blogspot.com/ 

For the latest reviews/synopsis on horror flicks and the occasional horror flick hottie list visit:

The M'hael @ http://thehorrorclub.blogspot.com/

Fun Craft Ideas

http://lemmemakeit.blogspot.com/ 

I think you will enjoy these blogs. I know I do. There are more out there that I know I am probably forgetting right now, but I have to get up at 5:30am and drive an hour and a half to meet with Mom's doctor so I can't go through all of them right now. Besides, I don't want to accidentally mention one, have you think it totally sucks and try to take my award away. It's mine and you can't have it back!


Thanks again, Ermie! I hope the rest of you enjoy my blogs too.

Shay Lynn -Vampire Slayer

So today I was at the Convenience Center. What is a Convenience Center you ask? Well it is a place where you take your garbage when you don't have trash pick-up so you don't have to go to the dump. In actuality the Convenience Center is an inconvenience because you have to put your smelly garbage in your trunk and drive it to a place that bees convein to plot their world takeover.

After I dumped my garbage, I opened my car doors to clean out the mounds of crap I had accumulated. Hey my retainer! Just kidding. I never had braces or a retainer which makes it all the more strange that one was in my car.

Anyway, recently my dog ran away (don't cry, I found him), so I had wooden stakes and posterboard from when I went around making signs and sticking them up where Anakin (my Husky) could read them and hopefully find his way home. There was only one problem with that; I forgot that he couldn't read. Luckily humans that could read saw the signs, called and a day and a half later, Anakin was home. I went around and pulled the signs and put them in my back seat.

Anakin safe...and caught in my cat's
play house. Hope she got out first!

So  now I am at the Convenience Center and I am pulling the posterboard signs off the stakes and throwing the posterboard away. The woman next to me was throwing her garabage in the bins. I noticed she hadn't seen me throw the signs away. She only saw me with about 10 wooden stakes in my hand.

I could tell she was wondering why the hell I had a handful of wooden stakes so I casually looked at her smiled and said, "You never know when you are going to run into more vampires." She smiled uncomfortably, got in her car and drove away as fast as she could.

Shay Lynn - Vampire Slayer

I think she might have been one.