Adventures in Bathing (or How NOT to Clean Your Bathroom Floor)

It started out simple enough. I just wanted to take a nice relaxing bath.

Now when I take a bath I don't just turn on the water, hop in, get clean and hop out. No. That would be stupid. When I take a bath, it is an event. I'm talking scented candles, relaxing music (usually some old school R&B), bubbles or bath salts, and of course, hot tea or a nice glass of wine to drink depending on my mood. It is an incredibly relaxing way to let the stress of the day melt away.

That is unless your cat decides to take a bath with you.

Allow me to set the scene: Everything is all set up. My water is at the perfect temperature, Sade is playing, and my candles are aglow. The kids, and by kids I mean my four dogs and one cat, are sound asleep. I get cozy, slink down into the tub and let out a big, long sigh. "Ahhhhhhhh."

After a minute or two, I get that weird feeling that I'm being watched. I open up my eyes to see my 1 and 1/2 year old husky very upset.

"What's wrong Monkey Face?"

Anakin (aka "Monkey Face")

 * Side note: His name is actually Anakin but, because he makes monkey sounds when he wants my attention, I call him Monkey Face.

"OOOOOOO  OOOOOO oooooo Ooo HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR".

For those of you that aren't fluent in dog that translates to: "Mom, you're in there and I'm out here. I don't know what all of that fluffy white stuff (bubbles) is around you, but I kinda think I should drink it. And you know that thing you brought home (Sawyer) looks a lot like my squeaky toy, but I get yelled at every time I try to make it squeak? Well, it is way over there on the edge of the tub where I can't get to it. Plus it's been like two hours since I've had a cookie and it's all very upsetting."

I turn my head to see Sawyer has managed to jump up on the other side of the tub. The two are now staring at each other. I tell Anakin to go lay down. He, of course, has tunnel vision and ignores me.

"Anakin! Go lay down!" I shout. He does his hyper little puppy butt shuffle and lets out a frustrated, "HARrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRuuuu." Then jumps up on the side of the tub and licks the water. This is enough to make Sawyer jump down and scurry away.

"ANAKIN, ya big perv! Go get your bone!"

Sawyer

Just as I start to relax again, I get the feeling that I'm not alone. I open one eye to see Sawyer back on the side of the tub staring at me, his big blue eyes curious. I close my eyes.

"Don't do it," I say, eyes still closed.

He sticks his paw in the water and tests it to see if it will support him.

"Meorowwww..." (Translation: Mom, you think I could walk on this?)

"No, Sawyer."

"Meorowwwwwwww..." (But Mom, I'm super fast. I could totally walk on this.)

"I understand meorowwww (you're super fast). But I'm telling you, don't do it."

He sticks his paw in the water again, slipping it a little bit further down. Perplexed, he stops and shakes off the water. Feeling more brazen, he does it again. Filled with determination, his baby blues glance up at me. "Meorowwwwwwwwwwwwww." (Oh Mom, I could SO do this!)

"Hfpfffffpffffff." (Translation: "I think he could.") Anakin has returned and is joining in on the conversation. He has placed his head on the opposite side of the tub and is glaring at Sawyer, who has gotten up and moved to another section. He and Anakin continue to have a stare-off, but a quiet one, so I close my eyes and relax for the next 5 minutes.

I have made it through  Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone and I'm well into Alicia Keys' I Keep Falling when a wave of water is thrust upon me.

"MRRRRARRRRRRRARRROW!!!" 

Sawyer had fallen into the tub, freaked out, and used my knees and head as a springboard. Anakin, who witnessed the whole thing thinks, I should probably help. In a heroic attempt to save the kitty or eat him, he jumps halfway into the tub. Immediately, he decides being in the tub sucks, and takes off after the kitty but not before knocking the various bottles, candles, towel, and tea into the bathtub leaving a trail of water and destruction behind him.

"WTH?!? SON OF A ... SAWYER!!! ANAKIN!!! OMG, SHUT THE HELL UP, ALICIA KEYS!"

Next time I need to unwind I think I'll walk through Compton, downtown Detroit, or Newark alone at night wearing nothing but a chain of $100 bills around my neck and a sign that says rob me. Maybe I'll juggle a few live grenades too, while I'm at it. I'm sure that would be much more relaxing.

Seriously, WTH?!?

****Don't forget to Like me on FB: Shay Stone****

My URL Is being changed to shaystone-seriously-wth.blogspot.com

My URL IS BEING CHANGED TO shaystone-seriously-wth.blogspot.com

if I don't show up or you lose me, please come back or add me to your RSS feed.

 Been having some issues with the change.

Thanks!

IMPORTANT - WANT MAKE SURE I DON'T LOSE YOU GUYS

Hey guys, I know I have blogged much lately. I have been crazy busy. I plan to start up again soon which is why I am sending this out. I am going to try to change my blog address again. I tried in May and got paranoid because I thought I lost all of you so I switched it back. My blog site is mentioned on the jacket and is also going to be on the website that I am going to be putting up.

 Unfortunately, because I was such a newbie when I began my blogging I used my real first name in my URL (allow me to pause for a second to give myself a little high 5 to the head!) So I am going to try to switch it again. Can you guys check back and see if you can get to me in a few days? I tried to find a way to contact Blogger but that was harder than finding Waldo.

If it doesn't work, you should know that I plan on going to each of your sites and hounding you until you follow me again because as I have told you before, my self esteem is directly linked to what you think of me.

Wish me luck...I'm going in!

(APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES LATER)
...OR THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING MAINTENANCE AND WON'T BE ALLOWING ANY CHANGES RIGHT NOW. OK, I'LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW!

I Have An Important Announcement...

After much deliberation I, Shay Stone, am announcing my candidacy for President.

Yup, that's right, I'm throwing my hat into the race. (Well I don't actually have a hat on so you will just have to settle for a hair flip).  Several things led me to this decision; the state of the economy, the healthcare and medicare issues, the amount my cool factor would increase when I showed up everywhere with my personal entourage of Secret Servicemen all of whom would bear a remarkable resemblance to Channing Tatum. I would also really enjoy the ability to cut in front of everyone when I have to pee Yes, all of things contributed to my decision, but one has driven me more than anything else. My Facebook wall.

I am sick and tired of all the nonsensical political propaganda, glittering generalities, and smear campaigns that are over running my Facebook page.

Seriously, WTH does this even mean?!?

It has got to stop. It is preventing me from finding out important information like who is sleeping with whom, which of my other food items are made with pink slime and who got booted off Project Runway. So in the interest of getting all the political crap off of my Facebook page, I have decided to enter the Presidential Race.

Now unlike previous politicians, I am not going to blow smoke up your ass because 1) I don't smoke and 2) I don't know where your ass has been. I am going to come right out and tell you my plan.

1.) Bring all of the troops home to their families. No more wars for political reasons. If we do go to war it will be to help people that are being terrorized (look up Uganda's Night Walkers). There is no political benefit for us to go there which is why I believe we aren't. We'll fight for a commodity like oil, but not for human lives. So, I would just send some Navy Seals there to open a big ol' can of whoop ass on some Rebels and then bring them home;

2.) I would take all of the money we were spending on the war and pay schooling for anyone that is willing to go into fields that would focus on finding alternative fuel and energy sources. On that note, I would also standardize classes so that all college courses rated the same and were transferable. Meaning if you took English Course 330 in one university it would be English Course 330 in every other college/university and you wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars because your credits didn't transfer. Also, to receive a Bachelor's Degree, you would also only be required to take the classes that were 100% necessary for your degree. None of that, "You need to take core classes to become a more well-rounded person." If I want to be more well-rounded, I'll eat more;

3.) I would change the salaries and freeze the assets of all Congress for 1 year. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same for anyone that is running for Congress and President. Let's see how bad they really want to be in office. I would then make them go and apply for minimum wage jobs. If they got hired, then they would have to survive on $7.25 an hour before taxes just like most of America is doing. Hell, I'd even let them get $9.00 an hour. Let them see what it's like to try to find some place to live, afford a car, food, health insurance AND support a family. THEN I will believe them when they say they understand what the American people are going through. Until then, every American will have the right to bitch slap any politician that utters the word, "I am The American People. I know their struggles and concerns." Having to fly Business class because your private jet is on the fritz does not make you one of us;

4.) Jon Stewart would be my VP and Stephen Colbert would be my Press Secretary;

5.) I would call my supporters The Stoners;

6.) There would be mandatory drug testing for Welfare recipients. If you can buy drugs you can buy a bus ticket and get your ass to work. Hopefully you will also use some of that money to buy a belt to hold up your damn pants. There would also be a random drop in twice a year. If you are driving an Escalade and receiving Welfare, your ass is going to jail. Then, you won't even need to buy that belt;

7.) While we are on the subject, I would make it illegal to wear low, beltless pants with your stanky ass underwear hanging out, skirts and shorts that are tight and short enough that we are able tell if you shave or go au naturale and clothing that gives you ass cleavage. If you are caught wearing any of these items you are sentenced to wear a Forever Lazy(TM) for one year. Trying looking cool when you are dressed like a Teletubbie;

8.) I would have a strict review of all Government spending projects and do away with ones that give $250,000 to see if monkeys like ketchup or some other made up crap projects that hemorrhage money. I would take that money and healthcare would be free. I would probably even have enough money left over to buy the monkeys some bananas so they had something to put their ketchup on;

9.) Anyone that was caught saying or was stupid enough to protest or post crap on Facebook or any other social media outlet that shames or condemns someone else's race, religion or life choices is subject to having their entire computer history, phone texts, pictures, medical records and diary/journal posted on the Jumbotron in Time Square. You will also be followed around the clock with cameras so that everyone can see how truly perfect and noncontroversial your boring, judgmental life is. We reserve the right to point and laugh;

10.) I would ban dog racing. I have nothing funny to say about this. Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about how horrible the animals are treated and one of my life's missions is to get it stopped. So this is where I will be instituting my own political agenda. (R.I.P. Apollo Big Dog);

11.) If you are a convicted murder, sex offender,  or guilty of any other violent crime, then grab your parka folks because you just bought yourself a one way ticket to Antarctica. Yup, that's right enjoy the frigid  -128.6⁰F  temperatures as you try to survive in this barren, frozen tundra where the only people you can harm are yourself or other criminals like you. To all you male sex offenders, I suggest you watch where you whip that thing out at because it may freeze and break right off. Let's see how much you enjoy getting off when you have icicles coming out of you penis!

12.) It has been proven time and time again that far to many stupid people are reproducing. Because of this I would make everyone take a mandatory parenting test that would have seemingly simple questions like: 

If it it is 100 degrees out is it OK to leave your child in the hot car while you go into work or shopping?

If your child is in a restaurant (assuming it is an adult restaurant and not Chuck E. Cheese) and is running around tables and screaming at the top of her lungs like a maniac should you stay in the restaurant and ignore her or should you give her a warning and then if she doesn't listen, pack up your out of control child, food and leave? 

If you only have $10 and your child needs diapers but you also need beer which one do you buy? (Come on guys. THINK! You can figure out the right answer to this one.)

Anyone male or female failing these tests is shackled with a chastity belt and given a parenting manual and will then be given a second attempt to pass the test. If they fail again, then they will be neutered. I'm sorry, but it is the only way I can think of to stop the planet from being overrun with idiots. If someone has a better idea, I am open to suggestions;  

13.) I would adopt New Zealand's immigration policy. If you want to come into our country, you must have no prior criminal record, have a least, let's say $50,000 US in the bank, and you must be able to contribute to and better our society (i.e. you must be a doctor, teacher, artist, author, philanthropist, etc.). If you can't add to our country you are going to detract from it. That's right bitches, I'm closing the doors to the freeloaders. 

So please, no more posts about how we still haven't seen Obama's birth certificate. (We have and even if we hadn't, he has almost completed one full term as President. Let it go.) I also don't care if you think Romney looks Like Herman Munster and Paul Ryan looks like Eddie Munster. If you are basing your political choice on either of these things, then you are a moron and your parents should have been neutered!

Unfortunately, I know my chances for the presidency are slim. I am not crooked and sadly, from what I understand that is a requirement in order to reach that position in office. As a matter of fact, I should probably enter Witness Protection just for writing this. At least now people will stop posting crap about Romney and Obama on my wall. Instead, they will post made up crap about me and attack my character on other people's walls. Just make sure I look hot in the ads.

I am Shay Stone and I approve this message. 

Here I Come To Save The Day!

As many of you may have heard, there is a little movie coming out this week called The Dark Night Rises. This is one in a series of superhero movies that is being or has been released this year.

Here are a few others and their "kryptonite."

Spiderman - aka Peter Parker.
Superpower-Can shoot webs and swing all around town catching bad guys.
Added Bonus- Can climb up walls so you don't have to worry about dusting fans or light fixtures.
Monetary Status-Poor. Crime fighting doesn't pay well and he has a hard time keeping his day job after chasing bad guys all night.
Dating Drawback-Spiderwebs in you hair and um...maybe other places. Plus, he probably won't kill a spider for you. After all, it may be family.
Kryptonite- A can of Raid or a really big tissue.

Batman - aka Bruce Wayne
Superpower- He has really cool toys he uses to catch bad guys.
Added Bonus-Has a kickass car and his own theme music.
Monetary status- If he had a dollar for every dollar he had he'd have another couple billion dollars.
Dating Drawback- Unreliable. Maybe called away to chase Jokers and Penguins on a moments notice; No quickies-that suit has to be a bitch to get off. Also, his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, seems like a bit of an overly medicated, depressing wanker.

Kryptonite: Ozzy Ozbourne

Iron Man- aka Tony Stark
Superpower-Brilliant. He can make anything he needs to beat the bad guys and has the money to do it.
Added Bonus: He is a witty  good-hearted, philanthropist. The fact that  Robert Downey Jr.plays him seriously ups his YUMMY factor.
Monetary Status-Bill Gates has been heard saying, "God that guy's rich!"
Dating Drawback-He is a self proclaimed playboy; also, you had better make sure your car insurance is paid up because he is bound to scratch up your car with his iron hands and feet.
Kryptonite: A hose, heavy rain or a good thunderstorm.

Wonder Woman- aka Diana Prince
Superpower- Super speed and strength.
Added bonus- The girl knows how to accessorize. She has bulletproof bracelets and a lasso of truth. Traffic jam? No worries. She has an invisible jet.
Monetary status- She is a princess and runs a large corporation. So shorty got a car, shorty got a job, shorty can pay her own rent.
Dating Drawback- OK, she's not exactly a "shorty." Being an Amazon Princess makes her one big bitch that could squash a smaller man. Her vibrator is the size of a thermos; Also, you can't lie to her-she has a lasso of truth.

Kryptonite- "Where the hell did I put my bracelets?!?" If her bracelets break, she will be thrust into an uncontrollable rage; other weakness- a penis. Yup, that's right. When all is said and done, she is still a woman. If a man binds her hands, she is completely powerless. So for all you freaky-deaks out there, bondage is off the table. However, given the way that she spins like an Olympic ice skater to turn from Diana to Wonder Woman, I think most men would forgo the bondage for a little sit and spin.

Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.

Excuse Me While I Lick This Toad

Every so often my mind tends to wander. Who am I kidding? Since I took off the restraints it made a downright sprint towards insanity. But for the point of this post, let's pretend it just casually wanders pondering the great questions of the world:

Did Christopher Columbus really discover America? If not, why did he get all of the credit?

Was the Big Bang loud?

What if Al Capone had a better accountant?

Can I wear black and yellow without looking like a bumblebee?

Who licked the first toad?

Drugs have always baffled me for several reasons that I won't get into. However one thing has always twisted my brain into a tiny little knot more than the rest:  Who licked the first toad?

Think about it. For every drug that is on the market, there has to be someone that was the first to try it. Now while I haven't done it, there are certain things that seem more natural than others. For example, pill popping seems like it would be the most obvious. From the time we are born, we start putting things in our mouths (*Note: Please hold all of your sexual comments and innuendos until the end you big bunch of pervs!). Anyway, we're born and our fists go in there. Then we move on to food, toys, etc. So while the concept of a pill and how to make it causes us to scratch our heads, the act of taking one seems almost second nature.

Cheech & Chong
No copyright infringement intended

The next most obvious choice would be to smoke something. Opium is arguably the first drug ever discovered. Some dude in a robe with no hair, but an incredibly long, twisted beard was sucking on a pipe of opium long before Cheech and Chong ever sparked their first doobie. And you can kind of see an opium field (or even a marijuana field) catching fire, everyone getting this kick ass buzz and being like, "Dude, we SO have to do this again."

Hence the Blazing of the Doobie begins.

Now it gets a little crazy. Needles. When some sadistic bastard said, "Hey, you see this sharp pointy thing? Well I filled this tube it's connected to with a bunch of crazy ass shit and I want to stick it in you to see what happens," I want to know what crazy ass person said, "Oh man, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And when the first person shot up, did they immediately use heroine or morphine or did they start with something simpler like milk or bleach?

"Let's check our test subjects. OK, the guy we injected with milk is still alive, but nothing seems to have happened. Where's the guy with the bleach...OH! WHOA! It looks like he actually tore his skin off his body before his head burst into flames. However look how pearly white his teeth are!"

Then there are the snorters. Based on my own research I can only assume this starts somewhere in childhood because when I was in 3rd grade I watched as Jeff Redmen crushed up a bunch of sweet tarts and snorted them up his nose. I don't know if that is still the way he enjoys them, but I know I still prefer to chew mine.

Which brings me to toads. Years ago, I was speaking with someone whom I would describe as a drug connoisseur, meaning he was an on-again off-again addict. Junkies are great. OK, that sounded bad. What I mean is, junkies seem to be mystified by anyone that has not taken drugs. They immediately launch into a list of every drug they have ever taken or heard about along with some whacked out story of something that happened when they did.

"Oh man, I was hyped up on some Ecstasy and Coke and I drove my car into a cow pasture, took off all my clothes made a slip and slide out of cow patties, shot myself up with some milk and then woke up next to a very satisfied looking goat."

So this guy was the first to ever tell me about toad licking. Apparently if you lick a certain kind of toad, you get this psychedelic effect that is "really bitchin'." At first I thought he was yanking my chain, but over the years I have heard a few people mention it. When they do, I always ask the same question: Who licked the first toad?

More importantly, I want to meet the person that convinced the other person to lick the first toad because that my friend, is someone that could sell water to a drowning man. Was it a bunch or drunken Rednecks that made someone do it on a dare? Maybe some naive teenage girls that took the you-have-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-a-prince a little too far?

And more importantly, how many licks did it take to get to the center?

The world may never know.