Here I Come To Save The Day!

As many of you may have heard, there is a little movie coming out this week called The Dark Night Rises. This is one in a series of superhero movies that is being or has been released this year.

Here are a few others and their "kryptonite."

Spiderman - aka Peter Parker.
Superpower-Can shoot webs and swing all around town catching bad guys.
Added Bonus- Can climb up walls so you don't have to worry about dusting fans or light fixtures.
Monetary Status-Poor. Crime fighting doesn't pay well and he has a hard time keeping his day job after chasing bad guys all night.
Dating Drawback-Spiderwebs in you hair and um...maybe other places. Plus, he probably won't kill a spider for you. After all, it may be family.
Kryptonite- A can of Raid or a really big tissue.

Batman - aka Bruce Wayne
Superpower- He has really cool toys he uses to catch bad guys.
Added Bonus-Has a kickass car and his own theme music.
Monetary status- If he had a dollar for every dollar he had he'd have another couple billion dollars.
Dating Drawback- Unreliable. Maybe called away to chase Jokers and Penguins on a moments notice; No quickies-that suit has to be a bitch to get off. Also, his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, seems like a bit of an overly medicated, depressing wanker.

Kryptonite: Ozzy Ozbourne

Iron Man- aka Tony Stark
Superpower-Brilliant. He can make anything he needs to beat the bad guys and has the money to do it.
Added Bonus: He is a witty  good-hearted, philanthropist. The fact that  Robert Downey Jr.plays him seriously ups his YUMMY factor.
Monetary Status-Bill Gates has been heard saying, "God that guy's rich!"
Dating Drawback-He is a self proclaimed playboy; also, you had better make sure your car insurance is paid up because he is bound to scratch up your car with his iron hands and feet.
Kryptonite: A hose, heavy rain or a good thunderstorm.

Wonder Woman- aka Diana Prince
Superpower- Super speed and strength.
Added bonus- The girl knows how to accessorize. She has bulletproof bracelets and a lasso of truth. Traffic jam? No worries. She has an invisible jet.
Monetary status- She is a princess and runs a large corporation. So shorty got a car, shorty got a job, shorty can pay her own rent.
Dating Drawback- OK, she's not exactly a "shorty." Being an Amazon Princess makes her one big bitch that could squash a smaller man. Her vibrator is the size of a thermos; Also, you can't lie to her-she has a lasso of truth.

Kryptonite- "Where the hell did I put my bracelets?!?" If her bracelets break, she will be thrust into an uncontrollable rage; other weakness- a penis. Yup, that's right. When all is said and done, she is still a woman. If a man binds her hands, she is completely powerless. So for all you freaky-deaks out there, bondage is off the table. However, given the way that she spins like an Olympic ice skater to turn from Diana to Wonder Woman, I think most men would forgo the bondage for a little sit and spin.

Why You suck

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm hormonal. Or maybe I just need to get laid, but over the last week or two, people have been pissing me off. Now in some of my earlier posts I have referenced some people that have made me want to smack their parents for not using birth control. However, I feel a refresher course is needed because there are some that need to be reviewed and others that need to be added. For your convenience I am adding what I consider to be proper and improper responses.

Annoying person #1: People that are on vacation and send you a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing" accompanied by a picture of them on the beach.
Reason you suck: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Unacceptable Response: Setting their house on fire or sending a picture of yourself having sex with their spouse while they are gone.
Appropriate response: Send them back a picture of a turd in a toilet with a text that says, "Guess what I'm doing..."

Annoying person #2: People that feel it necessary to post pictures of the food that they are eating.
Reason you suck: Congratulations. We are very proud that you have learned to cook or order off of a menu. However making us hungry and regret the questionable 4 week old yogurt we are currently eating because we only have that and batteries in our refrigerator makes you a schmuck.
Unreasonable response: Sneaking into the restaurant and sprinkling Visine (or urine) on their food no matter how tempting it is.
Appropriate response: Well the turd in the toilet thing could work again with the text "Wow, that looks like shit." However, I prefer to take a nice picture of the vomit my dog or cat just threw up complete with fur, and possibly regurgitate kitty litter for added crunch with a text that reads, "Oh man, that looks disgusting. I showed my dog and this was his response" or "I had that last night. As you can see it looked better going down than coming up."

Annoying person #3: Attention Walmart shoppers: People that stop in the middle of the isle so no one can pass on either side and give you a dirty look when you have said excuse me for the 3rd time.
Reason you suck: I know I've discussed this one before but some of you are still doing it so it has to be revisited or I may have to kill you and I am much too pretty to go to jail. You are rude and even though you shop there and go trolling for dates, you do not own Walmart.
Unacceptable response: There is no unacceptable response.
Appropriate response: After your second "excuse me", if they have not moved their cart it is perfectly acceptable to ram your cart into it as hard as possible sending if flying from the pharmacy to the frozen food section. (If a kid is standing on the end of the cart, give yourself 10 extra points.)

Annoying person #4: The people that feel it necessary to post every time they go to the gym.
Reason you suck: I am very happy that you have a gym membership, but I don't need to know your every move. Besides, all you do is make me think about how huge my thighs, ass or whatever are and how I should be going to the gym no matter how busy I am and that makes me hate you.
Unreasonable response: Posting naked pictures of them to show why they need to go to the gym.
Reasonable response: Depending if you are male or female photoshop your head on a Calvin Klein or Victoria's Secret model and send them the picture with the text that says, "I need to get to the gym too. I feel so fat right now" or "I'm so lucky that I can eat what I want and never work out. I can't imagine having to blow money on a gym membership." 

Annoying person #5: The idiots that say, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Reason you suck: We all know it's hot. We don't need you reminding us.
Reasonable response: "High five them in the head and say, "Hard enough for ya?"

And last but not least:

Annoying person #6: The moron that while watching a movie constantly says, "What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"
Reason you suck: PAY ATTENTION. I am watching the same movie as you are. I am not the screenwriter or a psychic. Stop talking or walking out of the room, or texting and watch the f@#*ing movie.
Unacceptable response: Duct taping them to the chair with toothpicks holding up their eyelids so they are forced to pay attention.
Reasonable Response: Walk in on them the next time they are having sex and ask, " What's going on? What's happening? Can I just ask a quick question?"

I feel by alerting everyone to the annoying behavior as well as to the acceptable responses, it will help to make the world a better place. Now I have to go, I think I just left my cart in the middle of the isle.

Excuse Me While I Lick This Toad

Every so often my mind tends to wander. Who am I kidding? Since I took off the restraints it made a downright sprint towards insanity. But for the point of this post, let's pretend it just casually wanders pondering the great questions of the world:

Did Christopher Columbus really discover America? If not, why did he get all of the credit?

Was the Big Bang loud?

What if Al Capone had a better accountant?

Can I wear black and yellow without looking like a bumblebee?

Who licked the first toad?

Drugs have always baffled me for several reasons that I won't get into. However one thing has always twisted my brain into a tiny little knot more than the rest:  Who licked the first toad?

Think about it. For every drug that is on the market, there has to be someone that was the first to try it. Now while I haven't done it, there are certain things that seem more natural than others. For example, pill popping seems like it would be the most obvious. From the time we are born, we start putting things in our mouths (*Note: Please hold all of your sexual comments and innuendos until the end you big bunch of pervs!). Anyway, we're born and our fists go in there. Then we move on to food, toys, etc. So while the concept of a pill and how to make it causes us to scratch our heads, the act of taking one seems almost second nature.

Cheech & Chong
No copyright infringement intended

The next most obvious choice would be to smoke something. Opium is arguably the first drug ever discovered. Some dude in a robe with no hair, but an incredibly long, twisted beard was sucking on a pipe of opium long before Cheech and Chong ever sparked their first doobie. And you can kind of see an opium field (or even a marijuana field) catching fire, everyone getting this kick ass buzz and being like, "Dude, we SO have to do this again."

Hence the Blazing of the Doobie begins.

Now it gets a little crazy. Needles. When some sadistic bastard said, "Hey, you see this sharp pointy thing? Well I filled this tube it's connected to with a bunch of crazy ass shit and I want to stick it in you to see what happens," I want to know what crazy ass person said, "Oh man, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And when the first person shot up, did they immediately use heroine or morphine or did they start with something simpler like milk or bleach?

"Let's check our test subjects. OK, the guy we injected with milk is still alive, but nothing seems to have happened. Where's the guy with the bleach...OH! WHOA! It looks like he actually tore his skin off his body before his head burst into flames. However look how pearly white his teeth are!"

Then there are the snorters. Based on my own research I can only assume this starts somewhere in childhood because when I was in 3rd grade I watched as Jeff Redmen crushed up a bunch of sweet tarts and snorted them up his nose. I don't know if that is still the way he enjoys them, but I know I still prefer to chew mine.

Which brings me to toads. Years ago, I was speaking with someone whom I would describe as a drug connoisseur, meaning he was an on-again off-again addict. Junkies are great. OK, that sounded bad. What I mean is, junkies seem to be mystified by anyone that has not taken drugs. They immediately launch into a list of every drug they have ever taken or heard about along with some whacked out story of something that happened when they did.

"Oh man, I was hyped up on some Ecstasy and Coke and I drove my car into a cow pasture, took off all my clothes made a slip and slide out of cow patties, shot myself up with some milk and then woke up next to a very satisfied looking goat."

So this guy was the first to ever tell me about toad licking. Apparently if you lick a certain kind of toad, you get this psychedelic effect that is "really bitchin'." At first I thought he was yanking my chain, but over the years I have heard a few people mention it. When they do, I always ask the same question: Who licked the first toad?

More importantly, I want to meet the person that convinced the other person to lick the first toad because that my friend, is someone that could sell water to a drowning man. Was it a bunch or drunken Rednecks that made someone do it on a dare? Maybe some naive teenage girls that took the you-have-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-a-prince a little too far?

And more importantly, how many licks did it take to get to the center?

The world may never know.

You Must Be Out Of Your Damn Mind!

If you are like anything like me, you love a good massage. If you aren't anything like me, then you're insane because massages rock. There are only two times I get annoyed while getting a massage. The first is when someone massages me too light. I need some crap worked out so don't be a wuss and gently stroke my body. Get in there and break some shit up. The second thing that annoys me is when I get a Chatty Cathy. How the hell am I supposed to relax and envision myself on a beach with Johnny Depp or Colin Farrell as my masseuse if you won't shut the hell up?

Other than that, I love getting a massage. The quiet, serene room with new wave music or nature sounds playing softly over the speaker; the warm massage oil against your skin; the firm yet soft hands rubbing away the tension; and of course the snakes slithering across your body.

Wait...what?!?

Yes, apparently some place in Israel offers snake massages. They take non-venomous snakes (Duh!- Do they really need to specify that?), put them on your back and let them slither all over you. And I guess to some degree, that would relax me. You know, if you consider death to be a form of relaxation.

Now after you have finished with your massage and have changed your underwear because you have undoubtedly pissed your pants, you can take a quick plane ride to Japan (or New York) and get yourself  a nice nightingale, bird poop facial. No no...wait, it's not crazy. They use ultra violet lights to sanitize it and make it odor neutralized. See it is called a Geisha facial because it is said that Geisha girls do it to keep their skin that beautiful, smooth milky white. Well, maybe it is milky white...it may just be residuals from the bird poop.


Once those scaly suckers have been removed from your back and your face is a nice, soft bird poop white, you can head on over to Turkey or Virginia for a nice fishy pedicure. That's right stick your feet in a bucket and let these little toothless fish gnaw your troubles and dead skin away.

OK, I am against this for several reasons. First, as a general rule, I don't want fish to eat me. It is why I am scared to swim in the ocean. Maybe I'm good for them. After all, fish is supposed to be good for humans. Maybe somewhere there is a fish reading (it would have to read because they don't have internet because computers are not waterproof). Anyway, maybe a fish is reading an article in the Daily Reef and thinking, "They eat us? Why would they want to eat us? See, this is why I don't like to go on the land."

 Second, (although admittedly this might be kind of cool), I think I would get a Paul Bunyan complex. I would think of myself as this giant with these Great White sharks nibbling at my feet unable to hurt me because I am 9 million feet tall and can hold them by their tails (fins) and eat them like sardines, you know, assuming sardines weren't gross and disgusting. Third, I kind of feel bad for the fish. What? They don't feed them all day so the little things are so hungry they will eat anything you put in front of them? I mean, seriously, have you seen some people's feet? But maybe dead foot skin is all they can eat.  Are these fish really just tiny piranha minus the chompers? I mean seriously, where are their teeth? Is there a little fishy dentist or tooth fairy going around removing them all? Finally, after my fish-acure was over and I left not only would I be afraid my feet would smell like fish (unless they were smart enough to use the same odor neutralizer they used for the bird poop), but I would also be afraid that maybe the fish would talk smack about my feet after I left.

"Did you see her feet?"

"Does she really think she can pull off that crazy yellow nail polish color?"

"Dude, she wasn't wearing nail polish!"

Of course I wouldn't understand any of this because I don't speak fish, much like I don't understand the women at the nail salon I go to now, whom I am certain are talking about me.

No, after careful consideration, I think I will stick with the old school treatments. So you can go ahead and be one of those cool trendsetters. Enjoy your snake massage, bird poop facial and fishy pedicure. Just don't ever expect me to rub your back, let you borrow my shoes, or kiss your face. After all, I know where they've been.

Seriously, WTH?

I haven't died I swear!

Hey everyone. I am sorry I have not posted. I am suffering from router rage meaning no matter what I do I can't set up my freaking router since my other one went kapooey (It actually said, "Kapooey" before it quit working. I have been spending all of my spare time trying to get this stupid thing set up!!! I promise a new post will be coming soon.

BTW, my book was officially released and it is currently #4 on Amazon's New Release Self-Help and #2 on Amazon's New Release Pain Management:) If you or someone you know suffer from chronic pain, or if you just love me and want to help me sell lots of books, check it out:

http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Go-Away-Shay-Stone/dp/0985590602/ref=zg_bsnr_225006011_8

I will post again soon (and next time it will be an actual post). Right now I have to go pick-up my router off of the floor and see if I can glue it back together. Stupid technology!!!!

Question for my Followers

Hey guys,

I just changed my URL to match my pen name. Can someone respond to this or my post I just did and let me know if you received it? I am hoping I didn't lose all of my followers.

Juli, if you get this, I'm not ignoring your comment. I changed the URL right after you responded to my post and it wouldn't allow me to review it or respond to it. In fact, it removed every comment from my previous posts as well. Grrrrrrrrr.

So if you guys can please let me know, I would appreciate it.

Thanks!

Shay

Trying this again...

I have a question for you guys. I tried to change my blog URL. It appeared to have done so, but it seemed to make me lose my followers as well as all of my comments. I just changed it back. The comments are still gone, but I am hoping you guys are getting my blog. Can someone please let me know if it is working again?

FIFTY SHADES OF EMBARRASSMENT 


So here's a conversation you should never have with your mother.

The other day my sister, mother and I were sitting at my sister's dining room table. We were talking about inconsequential crap  things going on in our lives when my sister brought up the newest book she was reading: Fifty Shades of Grey. Some of you, alright by now I'm sure all of you, have heard of this book. However, if you are anything like me, you may not have known what it was about. Honestly, I thought it was probably some sort of self-help book that dealt with depression.


**SPOILER ALERT**  **SPOILER ALERT**  **SPOILER ALERT**

Hopefully anyone that has not read the book and plans on reading it has stopped reading. If not, it's your own fault because , hey, I warned you. Moving on...

"Do you know what it's about?" she asked hesitantly.

"I have no idea. All I know is a bunch of my friends are reading it. Is it about depression?"

OK, it is so NOT about depression. But it seems I was at least partially right. It does have some self-help qualities. You know, if you want to help yourself learn more about S&M or are considering becoming a Dominatrix. My sister began discussing this book which is apparently about a naive twenty-something year old and what my sister perceived as a man in his late twenties- early thirties. Maybe they even say how old he is, I haven't read the book.

That's when it got weird.

She went on to tell us that it was about this billionaire guy who is basically the male version of a Dominatrix...(I'm going to call him a Dominator just because I feel like it). She talks about how the book lists the services this seemingly normal, straight-laced businessman offers.

"I mean the stuff in here... well... I had to google some of it because I didn't even know what it was. Now I'm afraid I'm going to get all of this weird email or someone is going to see what I looked up and..." my sister said trailing off, clearly embarrassed. "They talk about choking," she said like it was a question, "and...do you know what fisting is?"

My mom said no and unfortunately, I answered yes. I had grown up with all male friends that treated me like one of the guys, very seldom (if ever) curving their conversation just because I was in the room. I was also in the music business for a while, so you hear all kinds of crap.

"Choking?" my mom inquired.

 I went onto explain to them that some people like to be choked when they have sex because it is suppose to enhance the orgasm. Although I think I put it something like this:

"What can I tell you, some people are into some weird shit. To each their own." And left it at that hoping that would satisfy her and also provide enough embarrassment to end this conversation.

"Oh...jeesh. So what's fisting?" she said looking at my sister to make sure she said it right.

Now to say my mom is a prude would be an understatement. I can remember when she and my dad were celebrating one of their more monumental anniversaries. We took them to a restaurant that was in a hotel, walked around after dinner and stopped in front of a room that we had gotten them for the weekend. You could tell my dad was absolutely mortified that his daughters were dropping them off at a hotel room. Now, we had also gotten my dad a set of golf clubs as well and wanted to see the look on his face when he walked in and saw them so we walked into the room with them for a minute. My mom and dad looked around the room. My dad was very impressed that they had a TV in the bathroom. My sister pointed out the huge circular jacuzzi tub that was in the bathroom to which my parents looked at each other, then at us and told us they couldn't go in it because they "didn't bring their bathing suits."

So, yeah, my mom is a prude.

As my mom sat completely clueless, waiting for an explanation, my sister and I had the following conversation across the table with only our eyes:

"Go on, tell her," my sister's light blue green eyes encouraged.
"Oh no. You are the one that brought it up. YOU tell her," my green-yellow eyes shot back.
"I can't tell her," her eyes widened.
"Yeah, that sucks for you, but you dug this hole," my eyes replied sarcastically.
"No...I mean I'm not exactly sure what it is," her eyes confessed.
"Mother fuc@#%r. I'm going to kill you for this," my eyes scorned and threatened.

"Well? What is it?" my mom asked, her curiosity getting the best of her.

"Um, well..." and I went on to explain fisting to my mother (and sister).

"WHAT?!? OMG! How does that even..." my mom said trying to comprehend. "How do you even know..."

My sister chimed in, "I only know because it says it in the book. Vaginal and anal fisting, so I figured..."

"ANAL!?!" I could see my mom's head about to explode as she turned and looked at me. "And you know about this?!? How do you know?!?"

Dear God, 


Please let a runaway train or plane come crashing through the house and take me out right now. Oh, and give me a new sister.


"You hear things," I said then tried to explain to my mom the whole guy friends talking and music business thing and that I had never actually taken part in any of it.

"Whatchya talking about?" my eleven year old nephew asked saddling up next to me. "Do you want to play a game?"

"Good God, yes!" I said jumping up from the table as my nephew ran into the other room ahead of me. I turned and looked at my sister, "And I'm telling you right now, if for some crazy reason he asks me about fisting, choking or S&M I'm sending him straight to you and mom and getting the hell out of here."

Seriously, WTH?!?