Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Betting Against Greyhounds -PLEASE Share and Help Spread the Word

Normally, I try to keep my blogs light and funny, but today I am writing about something that is very near and dear to my heart. Plus, I made a promise.

When I was a little girl my family would take annual trips to Florida. It was during one of these trips that I went to my first ever dog race. My aunt had really wanted to go and because I was such an animal lover, my parents thought I would think it was fun to watch the dogs run around the track. While they were looking over the names of the dogs and assessing the odds, I watched as the dogs were taken to the area where they would prepare to run. Most dogs I had seen up until that point had been fluffy and furry, a sharp contrast to the lean, short-haired, muscular animals that now walked the track.

The bets were placed and we cheered as the dogs bolted out of the gates and chased the mechanical rabbit around the track. My dad and aunt both won small amounts of money. Had they listened to the young girl that just loved looking at the pretty dogs, they would have won the Trifecta.

I remember that day as a fun family outing. Today, I am disgusted by it because little did I know that while my family and other patrons were placing their bets, we were betting against greyhounds.

Fast forward 20+ years. I was living in Orlando with my dog Sasha, an American Eskimo (Spitz) that behaved more human-like than well, most humans I know. My fiance' at the time and I were entertaining the idea of getting another dog. He suggested that we get a greyhound. Now, other than my experience with the track, I knew little about the breed, and truth be told, I liked my knee-high, fluff ball dogs. Still. he insisted that we go to GPA (Greyhound Pets of America) to look at the dogs. Now, I have a whole other story about GPA, but, to avoid going off on a tangent, I will refrain from getting into it now. So to keep a long story short, bottom line is I fell in love with the breed, but due to politics was unable to get one. Frustrated, I left GPA and contacted the dog track to find out if there was any other avenue I might be able to go through to obtain a greyhound.

A woman informed me that although they weren't allowed to solicit, if someone called saying they didn't want to go through GPA, she was allowed to take their name and pass it along to any trainers that might be getting rid of dogs. Score! A few hours later we received a call and took off to the track where we met a man (we'll call Dan) that brought us into a room filled with caged dogs. That's where we first met Topper.

There he was, scrunched up in his cage that was stacked on top of another cage. He did not even have enough room to stand, sit or turn around. He was stuck in a constant crouching position. His legs were so muscular from being given steroids that his stomach didn't even touch the ground. The trainer led us outside to a pen filled with mud and dog crap. It had a trough in the corner where the animals were fed. Dan walked out and let Topper off of the leash. The poor dog took off and ran to a corner shuttering uncontrollably. He broke my heart.

"He may be a little skittish because I had to use the whip... uh... weapon today," Dan said quickly correcting himself.  This is something they apparently do often according to Dan. He explained they put the food in the trough and the dogs had to fight to eat.

Slowly I made my way over and Topper allowed me to approach. His eyes looked so sad. Dan informed us Shadow Rage (Topper's racing name) was the fastest dog they had...there was only one problem. When he got on the track he ran in the wrong direction, which if you ask me, made him the smartest dog too. Knowing we couldn't leave him there, we decided to take him home right then.

When we got Topper home, the first thing we did was change his name. Every time we called him, he would cower and shake as if he was going to be beaten. I came up with Apollo because it meant strong, handsome, striking boy. He seemed to like it and began answering to it immediately as if it was the name he was meant to have all along.

Next, we had to teach him how to lie down and how to sit. I mean to literally sit and lie down... not the command; the action. He couldn't do those things. The vet said once his muscles calmed down after being jacked up with steroids for so long, it would come easier to him.

Feeding him was another issue. He would grab as much food as he could, run away from the bowl, swallow it whole, then regurgitate it, and eat it. I assume this was his survival mechanism from being with the other dogs. He must have grabbed as much as he could before he would get attacked. I began hand feeding him a little at a time until he learned that no one was going to take his food away from him.

There were other obstacles we had to overcome as well like teaching him about sliding glass doors which he ran into more than once and how to go up stairs. I remember he was so excited the first time he made it to the top. For about 4 years he had watched me go up and down them while he waited at the bottom, until one day he decided today was going to be the day he tried it. I turned around and there he stood beaming with pride in the upstairs bedroom like, "Look Mom. Look what I did!" Getting him down the stairs was another story (that took another year to learn). In the meantime, I had to break my back carrying a 90lb greyhound down the stairs.

I think the biggest obstacle was getting him to trust men. From day 1, whenever I left, Apollo would run into the corner of the bedroom, cower, and shake until I got home. He even had an accident once or twice when my then fiance's friend (also a man) came over. Getting him to be comfortable did not happen overnight. In fact, it wasn't until Apollo almost tore off his leg and my fiance and I rushed him to the vet for emergency surgery that he finally began to trust my fiance and view him as his dad.

Apollo died a few years ago. He got cancer in his right front paw. It had to be amputated, but he still ran around at full speed wagging that hook tail of his. Before long, I found out the cancer had spread to his back and he could no longer walk or stand and was in pain, so I had to put him down. I know it is something that happens, but I will always believe that the wear and tear his body was put through at the track somehow contributed to his having cancer.

I do not have children. That said, Apollo is the closest thing I will ever have to a son. Some people won't get that and I feel sorry for those people. I made a promise to him that after seeing the horrors of the track and the conditions he lived in that I would do my best to educate people and put an end to this barbaric sport.

Since then, I have done even more research only to learn that most dogs are only let out of their cages for 1 hour a day, are packed in trucks and transported without air or bathroom stops for hours, which has lead to heat exhaustion and death. They are hit with whips/weapons and pumped full of steroids. Puppies are assessed to see which ones are thought to be the best performers (farm culls). The others are killed. As are thousands of the dogs that are not re-homed or sold to animal testing labs.

Topper's (a.k.a. Apollo's) cage was not even this tall.
Picture from animal-rights-action.com

I wanted to tell you about Apollo so that you could see the face of an amazing dog, friend, and loyal companion. This is for you Big Dog :) Thankfully, I no longer live in a state that condones greyhound racing. If you do, please start a petition through Change.org and urge as many people as you can to sign it. You must live in the state that has it in order to start it. And please pass this article along to help educate others. These are beautiful, graceful, living, breathing beings. Not bets to be placed. Thank you.
RIP Apollo "Big Dog"
Apollo's vet sent me this of his paw print
My most valuable possession

If you would like more information here are more articles citing the barbaric practices and a list of states that still have greyhound racing. Please help spread the word.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-bershadker/the-abomination-of-greyho_b_4905456.html
http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/greyhound_racing/facts/greyhound_racing_facts.html
http://www.animal-rights-action.com/greyhound-dogs.html

States that still allow greyhound racing:

Iowa
West Virginia
Arkansas
Texas
Arizona
*Alabama
*Florida

*Alabama and Florida are considered the worst because they do not have to report injuries that occur (broken bones, fractured skull, paralyzation, etc).

**Update: As of November 6th 2018, Floridians voted to end greyhound racing. On behalf of Apollo and myself, thank you, Florida!!!! ***




Friday, February 7, 2014

How Not to End Up Single On Valentine's Day (and Maybe Even Get Yourself Laid)

It's that time of year again. Red and pink everywhere. Hearts, balloons, scary overgrown  babies with bow and arrows aimed at you. It looks like Valentine's Day threw up all over Walmart. And here you are trying to figure out what to get the love of your life. For those of you that said, "You mean I have to get her a gift?" Stop reading. There is clearly no hope for you.

For those of you that are trying desperately to find the perfect gift, I have come up with a list that will either get you laid or get you single. However, that sounds a little crass, and since I am a classy broad from here on out I will be referring to them as Bad Bets and Better Bets.

Bad Bet: Workout clothing or equipment
OK while this should be a no brainer, apparently to some people, it's not. Valentine's Day is not the time to take the opportunity to say, Hey Tons of Fun, I think you are a porker and need to work out more. This makes you an insensitive jerk and frankly, well we sure as hell aren't going to let you see us naked after we get this gift.

Better Bet: Lingerie
Lingerie is the best of both worlds: It says, hey I think you are incredibly sexy just the way you are and I want to get down and dirty with you plus, let's face it, the chances of you seeing it on her are pretty darn good. Bonus points for taking into consideration her comfort level when picking out the gift. If she is confident, go for a sexy bra/pantie/garter combo. If she is a little self conscious a babydoll nightie is a great bet. Remember the sexier she feels, the luckier you will get ;)

Bad Bet: Cheap Candy Hearts filled with chocolate from Walmart or the drug store
Nothing says, "Oh shit! Today is Valentine's day?!?" like one of those Russel Stover candy hearts filled with assorted chocolates. Even if you bought it in advance, it still looks like a last minute gift that you put absolutely no thought into at all.

Better Bet: Fresh Chocolate Covered Strawberries (or her favorite type of candy or cupcakes) from a specialty shop. 
It shows you pay attention to what she likes and made the extra effort by going out of your way to get them. You can even go online and order from specialty shops and have them sent to her.

Bad Bet: Poor Planning
You think you are doing a nice thing. You want to take your wife/girlfriend out for a nice evening. One problem...it's Valentine's Day and you forgot to make reservations. Now she is standing in her 3-4 inch heels, hungry, waiting 2+ hours for a table.

This also goes for not planning a sitter if you have kids. You cannot...I REPEAT cannot come home on Valentine's day, tell your wife to get ready because you are going to dinner then sit on the couch and expect her to find a sitter, get ready, and be happy about it. You are putting all of the pressure on her and then, when she can't find a sitter on VALENTINE'S DAY, you give her the old shoulder shrug I tried as you sit on the couch and watch Sports Center.No, this makes you a schmuck.

Better Bet: Plan Ahead.
Make reservations and if necessary, arrange for a sitter in advance. This means making certain that if your kids have any important projects they need to get done, they are finished the day before so that your wife/girlfriend isn't stressed about leaving the child to fend for his or herself. Again, (and you may notice a recurring theme here) it shows you took the time to think about her and put some effort into it.

Bad Bet: Doing Nothing
Congratulations...you're single! I know....I know... you both agreed that you weren't going to do anything special but trust me...do something special. She is going to be hearing about the flowers and jewelry her girlfriends received from their boyfriends or husbands and when asked what she received, she is going to get to reply, "We decided not to do anything." Trust me, by the 4th or 5th time she has to mumble this, she is going to be thinking, you know he really could have done something. Three weeks later, you end up in a huge fight about something stupid like washing your socks and underwear together and you are left wondering why your usually sane girl went all Lorena Bobbitt on you. This is why. Yes it is passive aggressive and yes she shouldn't have said Valentine's Day didn't matter when it did. And the truth is, at the time, she may have meant it. But the minute everyone starts getting gifts and love is in the air, it is going to bother her more and more. You've been warned.

Better Bet: Romantic Evening In
I get it. Money is tight. But Valentine's Day is the same date every year so you know it is coming. This is when something simple like making her a romantic dinner at home and renting her favorite (or a new) romantic comedy can really pay off. All you have to say is, "I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but you are special to me so I wanted to at least do something to make sure you knew that." BAM! You're golden. Even if you stopped and picked up a pizza from her favorite place and eat it by candlelight, she will more than appreciate the effort you're making. Eat, watch a cheesy movie, give her a nice little massage and watch where things go.Trust me. You will reap benefits for weeks.

Oh, and for all of those people that say, "I don't celebrate these stupid holidays because if that is the only time I can how you how much I love you than we have problems" all I have to say is that is total crap! Please refer to Doing Nothing. Again, yes, you may show it at other times, and you damn well should, but making that little extra effort to prove to her that she means the world to you on a day when the world is celebrating love will not kill you...although, again, it could lead to some amazing sex that could get pretty wild. Get her a card. Write her a love letter. Do something for the woman that stands by you in good and bad times, is your coach when you're down, your biggest cheerleader when you're up, and is your best friend.

Remember the little things are often the most important. They remind us that we are appreciated and loved. Once many people get comfortable in relationships, they get lazy and believe their significant other should just know how they feel. But when you stop doing the little things you imply complacency and that your relationship isn't worth celebrating. You have found someone you love and that means the world to you. Never miss an opportunity to tell that person just how happy you are to have them in your life.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Friday, January 31, 2014

Epically Stupid Super Bowl Bet


It's that time of year again. The time we don our favorite jerseys, consume large amount of appetizers and alcohol, scream at the TV wondering why the quarterback can't see that he has a player completely wide open down field (I mean, dude, we can see him. He is right there with the camera focused on him. Are you freakin' blind?!?). And for some people, it is the time to make stupid bets.

Now, I am not talking about Floyd Mayweather's $10,000,000 (yep, that's MILL-ION) bet on the Bronco's. I mean come on, don't we all have a few million riding on the game? No, I would like to introduce you to a good ol' everyday Joe, named Kyle.

See Kyle, much like myself, grew up a 49ers fan. Except unlike me, Kyle completely lost his mind when Kaepernik choked and the 49ers failed to secure a Superbowl spot. Especially because the team that did clinch was his brother's favorite team, the Seahawks. Fed up with his brother's trash talk, Kyle went bat shit crazy and came up with a way to shut his brother's mouth for good.

Oh that's right...it's on bitch.

Or at least that is what Kyle must have been thinking when he decided to bet the house. That's right...he bet the house.Apparently when Kyle's grandparents died they left he and his brother equal ownership in their house. So when they were deciding what Superbowl bet to make, Kyle decide to go big or go home...or not go home in this case.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Kyle lives in the house with his wife and 14 month old baby which, if the Broncos lose they will have to surrender ownership rights and move out of the house by March 1st. And surprise, surprise! -well at least Kyle was surprised by this, because apparently, Kyle is well, a dumb ass, his wife was not too happy about the bet.

Kyle said, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." He went on to say that his brother had notoriously picked bad teams since they were kids and was just an irresponsible person in general so he believes the bet is a lock. 

Really, Dude? You bet a house without even consulting your wife and you have the balls to call your brother irresponsible? Dumb ass!

And yes, I am well aware that if the Broncos win, Mrs. Kyle will most likely come running back, a ticker tape parade will be thrown, and Kyle will forever refer to himself as "The Man"... that is at least until he does some other stupid thing like use the baby as collateral for an ill-advised cock fight.

So this Sunday, after you have mowed through a plate of nachos or chicken wings, watched the game, and prepare to go home and nurse your football hangover, just remember at least you have a home to go to... Kyle may not.

Dumb ass!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Six Ways to Tell He Isn't Into You

Let's face it - we've all had a crush on some guy that we like or are dating but just can't seem to figured out where we stand with him. One minute you think OK, this guy is crazy about me. The next you feel like you have developed the bubonic plague or are wondering if he has been kidnapped and has no way of communicating with the outside world.

Well, I have created a short list of signs that will tell you when to throw in the towel when your man is running hot and cold.

He doesn't text or call you for days. 

He always has his phone on him. It is like an extension of his hand. He looks at it 20 times an hour, sleeps with it next to his pillow, yet he still hasn't responded to a text you sent 3 days ago. I don't care how busy someone is, if they like you they will find make the time to keep in touch with you even if it is just to tell you they are in meetings all day but want you to know they are thinking of you. There are 2 reasons for his lack of communication: He either got so excited that you texted him that he fainted or he just isn't into you.


He doesn't know or care about your birthday.

If a guy likes a girl, he is happy that she was born and wants to recognize it in some way, especially if you are just starting to date. He will look for a reason to show you he cares. So unless you are a gold digging bitch that told him you expect nothing but 4 star restaurants, getaways to exotic locations or diamonds from Tiffany’s, the fact that he doesn't acknowledge your existence on your special day means he doesn't consider you special to him. Or he is just so absorbed in his own world that he doesn't take time to realize other people do exist in which case, he is too selfish to be in a relationship anyway.

 He has a total double standard.

He seems to want you around when he has something upsetting him like an illness or death, but when you have something important going on he suddenly becomes Waldo. You can’t seem to find him anywhere.
Again, he only cares about himself and doesn't really care what is going on in your life. Stop making yourself so readily available and seeing his turning to you in his time of need as a sign he is into you. The reason he is running to you is because he knows you’re dependable. He is not. Save your energy for someone that understands how to give, not just take.

It’s all about the sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with you having a friend with benefits or a booty call guy. To me that is a lot safer than picking up some stranger off the street to have sex with while you are waiting to meet the right guy. The problem comes when you have feelings for this person so you drop everything – dates with prospective beaus, plans with girlfriends, etc, just to go spend time with this guy hoping that this will be the time he realizes his love for you.

Everything is done on his terms. 

He doesn't come to see you. He may expect you to go to a wedding or game with him, but won’t go out with your friends, visit you, or be bothered with any of your interests. Sex is also pretty much on his terms. He does the calling, and while he won't commit to you, he always seems to want to get busy whenever you have a date. That doesn't mean he wants you...it means he wants to keep you under his uhhhhh, thumb, and doesn't want anyone else to have you. Until he finds someone he really wants to be with, he wants you around as his safety net.

He keeps you his little secret.

You haven’t met his friends. He doesn’t really take you out in public. He never comments on your Facebook page…I mean ever. His page is littered with females, but you’re not one of them. Take the hint. He is either embarrassed and doesn’t want people to know you are involved or he wants to keep his options open. That said, keep your options open. Look, I’m not saying the guy has to comment on every Facebook post you make. Some people are private people and that is perfectly fine. But if he isn't playing with you a little on social media, makes a stink if you comment or post on his page, or immediately responds making sure everyone knows your “just friends” plus treats you like you are in the Witness Protection Program it’s time to move on. When you are important to someone, they want to introduce you to the other important people in their lives to see what you think of them, what they think of you, and if you mesh well. If he isn’t bringing you around those people or acknowledging your existence in his life, there is a reason for it. Find someone that is proud to be with you and wants to tell the world you are his girl (and no I don’t mean that in the creepy he owns you sense).

He constantly flirts with other girls or keeps you away from them.

Whether it's in public or on Facebook, if he is constantly making comments about how hot other girls are or tries to direct you away from the gorgeous barista at the local coffee house then chances are, he isn't serious about you. Now, I'm not saying that he can't have friends of the opposite sex, but if he doesn't want you interacting with them, there is probably a reason and that reason is probably that he is dating (or wants to be) one of them.

The same goes for flirting. There is a difference between your guy telling a woman, " Oh, that dress looks nice on you" and "Wow you look hot! Damn girl! I know what I'm going to be dreaming about tonight." If your guy doesn't care if you see him outright flirting or if he doesn't have enough sense to know the difference between being respectful and disrespectful, then cut him loose. Chances are, even if you were ever to get serious, he would still cross the line of inappropriateness and then call you psycho for calling him on it.


Remember if a guy likes you he will make an effort to keep in contact with you, remember things that are important, look for ways to show you he cares, and try to find ways to integrate you into his life. If he is not doing these things and you are still catering to his every whim and dropping everything for him, he isn't going to see it as sweet and see you as potential girlfriend material. He is going to see you as a doormat.

***** ***Don't forget to follow me on here and on Facebook. And be sure to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com **************************

Monday, January 6, 2014

Will Social Media Lead to The End of Monogamy?

I'm a traditional girl. Stop laughing. I am. Sure, I am incredibly independent and can swear like a drunken sailor on leave but when it comes to relationships, I believe in a committed, monogamous relationship between two people.

Now, if you read my last blog (and you should because it's brilliantly entertaining), you will remember that I discussed how social media is killing dating. Well, it turns out, social media is a bit of a serial killer because it has launched an assault on monogamy as well. Before everyone gets all huffy and puffy and starts telling me how social media is the greatest thing that has happened to the world since sliced bread, let me say, to some degree, I am a big fan of social media. See, I live in, well, the Boondocks. The majority of my friends live out of state and the most exciting thing to do where I live besides the Annual Tallapoosa Possum Drop (see previous blog posts), is to go out to one of the local chain restaurants and eat yourself into a coma. So in an effort to stay in touch with my friends, and to keep myself from having to get "Wide Load" tattooed on my ass, I spend large amounts of time on social media sites. And while it is a great way to keep in touch with friends, it can be the catalyst leading to the demise of many relationships.

Allow me to paint a picture for you.

A couple is in love. They have made it past the honeymoon phase and are in a real, meaningful relationship. Like all couples, they occasionally fight. One night, they have a doozy of an argument. He storms out and she collapses crying in the bedroom. She gets on the phone with her friend and talks about what an ass her husband is; He calls up a buddy, goes to the bar, has a few beers and vents. While he is talking he notices a very attractive woman at the the end of the bar. She is pretty enough that he notices her, but he does not know her and doesn't make any effort to talk to her because he's "not that guy.". After venting for a while, he cools off and realizes maybe he said some things he shouldn't have. He pays for his beer and heads home. Across town, she is concluding the same thing. Her sister is in the middle of a nasty divorce and she realizes maybe she allowed some of the issues her sister is dealing with to creep into their argument. He comes through the door. Both have had a chance to get out of the moment, cool down, realize how much they love each other and are ready to have a calm discussion about what is bothering them.

We'll call that one "Before Social Media."

Now let's paint another picture.

A couple is in love...blah, blah, blah... they have a terrible fight. He storms out. She gets on Facebook and starts talking about what a complete asshole her husband is. People start to comment. She gets a private message from a male colleague. It starts off simply enough, "Are you OK?" She responds with an in-depth email about why her husband is the biggest jerk on the planet. Her phone rings. It's her sister. She ignores it and continues the conversation with her male colleague who is sympathetic and apologizes for the male race explaining that not all men are insensitive jerks.

Across town, he is at a local bar. He looks at his phone and reads another text. She is still arguing with him even though he has stopped responding. He ignores the text and clicks on to his Facebook. So I'm an asshole he thinks as he reads her Facebook status. He scrolls through and sees pictures of happier couples, joking and having fun with each other. An ex-girlfriend from high school sees him logged in and IMs him asking him the name of the restaurant they went to when they were kids that had the good cheesecake. They haven't really talked. It's been 20 years since they dated in high school and have only been friends through Facebook which means, they see each other's statuses and occasionally "Like" them. He wonders what she has been up to all of these years. He IMs her back and they start reminiscing. After a few minutes, she IMs her cell phone number and says  Call me.

We'll call this one "After Social Media."

See, to me, this is why social media is leading to the end of monogamy. Let's face it, every relationship has its ups and downs. That's natural. But social media creates two things that weren't there before: opportunity and fantasy.

Once upon a time, people had to go to great lengths to have an affair. First, they had to approach someone and hope not to be met with disgust. Then, if the other person was game, they had to try to catch them at work, leave a message, or call the house and ring once or however, people that have affairs communicate to let the other person know they are trying to get in touch with them. If a clandestine meeting was arranged, but something suddenly came up, there was little way to contact the other person. That usually left them sitting there at some restaurant or in some hotel alone, feeling abandoned and foolish.

Much more went into an affair and with no internet or individual cell phones, it was much easier to get caught. A person had to really evaluate their relationship to determine whether or not it was even worth it to have an affair, and in many instances, by the time it came to actual do the dirty deed, they had calmed down, made up with their spouse, and realized it probably would have been a huge mistake.

Today there are websites that you can go to if you are specifically looking to have an affair to connect with other people that are looking to do the same. Another affair convenience - the cell phone. Today, everyone has their own phone. Lovers can talk all day because texts and pictures can be deleted. If a meeting has to be canceled, a quick text can be sent immediately and the date can be rescheduled. Any time one lover has some free time, they can reach the other to see if they are available. No dodging the wife or hubby by calling and then hanging up the home phone. Simply shoot a text or IM.

Social media also provides what I like to call cyber courage.  Remember that old boyfriend from your early 20's or the head cheerleader you never had the guts to ask out in high school? Guess what! They are on Facebook. Just send them a harmless friend request to see what they have been up to. In fact, you don't even have to send them a request, just send messages back and forth. After all, what could it hurt? You are just going to catch up. It's no big deal. But then one day, you have a fight with your spouse. Or maybe it's more than a fight. Maybe it's a rough patch. And maybe you have a drink or two and decide to escape into Facebook. You see that boyfriend that always seemed to understand you or that gorgeous girl you always wished you dated.

You send an innocent message about how well they have aged or make a comment about their status. Next thing you know you are in an in-depth conversation. You find yourself thinking, why did I ever break up with him? Or you learn that the prom queen had always secretly hoped you would have asked her out. Next thing you know, you go from "liking" each other's post to talking every day and you eventually exchange numbers.

Opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I believe social media has its advantages. One of the greatest things about social media is that it puts you in contact with friends and loved ones that you may have lost touch with over the years. Through the magic of Facebook and Instagram you can take a harmless, voyeuristic peek into their seemingly perfect lives - the photos of vacations to exciting places, romantic kisses caught on camera, cute status updates... suddenly everyone has found their soul mate and everyone has movie love.

Oh, and the sex... my God...THE SEX IS INCREDIBLE...for everyone else. Well, maybe they aren't talking about it on Facebook, but you're no prude. You've visited the occasional porn site. And let me tell, they weren't doing this kind of stuff when you were in the game! Sure one of your buddies would talk about the occasional sleazy girl that he nailed that would let him do anything and everything to her, but you usually knew he was full of shit. Now, damn! Everyone is having better sex than you. You have seen it first hand. Everyone is having amazing, three and foursome, tied to the bed post, earth-shattering, multiple orgasmic sex but you.

Facebook, the internet, Instagram all create fantasies of perfect, non-compromising relationships. People don't air their dirty laundry, discuss their sexual failures and missteps, or talk about their fights (well, some do, but not for long because they usually end up broken up if they get to that stage). Instead, you get glimpses into the happy times and perfect moments, and you start to convince yourself that everyone is happy but you. Everyone is having better sex and more meaningful relationships than you. You start to doubt yourself and your relationship and again, this is where opportunity can appear because maybe someone else is feeling the same way. So you toss a line to see if anyone bites. If they aren't interested or get offended, you can always say they misunderstood or that you were only joking. If they do bite, maybe you can begin your own fantasy love story.

Now I am aware that people have to take responsibility for their own actions and if they cannot use social media responsibly, then they shouldn't use it at all. But there are those instances when even the most respectable people have lapses in judgment and someone can knowingly (or unknowingly) prey on that weak moment.

Good people caught in a weak moment can regrettably exchange true intimacy for the fantasy promised online. Fantasies are dangerous things. They have no flaws. Social media allows people to delude themselves into believing the fantasy is the reality.

Do you think social media will lead to the end of monogamy?

***Don't forget to follow me by email ***







Friday, December 13, 2013

The Naughty List

I have recently seen funny pictures on the internet of dogs confessing their bad behavior. With Christmas being so close, I decide to give my own dogs and cats (past and present) a chance to make thinks right so that they can get off Santa's Naughty List and back on the Nice List.





Now they may look sweet and innocent, but they all have multiple offenses. So I now give you...The Naughty List:





NAUGHTY LIST #1:


NAME: ANAKIN
AGE: 2
BREED: HUSKY
ALIAS: MONKEY FACE, MONKEY, FACE, MONK
CRIMES: BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE, FIGHTING, THEFT OF PROPERTY

BREAKING AND ENTERING
Broke into the cat's house

DEFENSE: "Mom said I wouldn't fit. Clearly she was wrong."


ASSAULT 
Fighting with...

and trying to eat the kitty

THEFT: WELL KNOWN SOCK THIEF
(This is what happens to the other sock that goes missing from the dryer)

ASSAULT WITH A COLD NOSE
(MUST sneak up from behind and stick his nose up your butt when you are wearing only a robe.
Has also been known to get right up in your face and sneeze)


NAUGHTY LIST #2:

APOLLO

AGE: 10 
BREED: GREYHOUND
ALIAS: BIG DOG, ZOOG, ZOOGY
CRIMES: THEFT, RELEASE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, TRESPASSING







THEFT
(Stole pizza off counter piece by piece and let mom and her friend think each other did it)


CHEMICAL WARFARE
(Secretly farts and then leaves the room leaving everyone else gasping for air)



TRESPASSING
(Broke into the bull pasture at the old house and chased them until they had enough and chased him)



NAUGHTY LIST #3

NAME: NEMO
AGE: 10
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
CRIMES: DRUG ABUSE AND DRUG PUSHING, MISUSE OF PROPERTY







DRUG ABUSE/ DEALING
(Snorting fire ants and trying to get doggy brother and sisters to do it too)

MISUSE OF PROPERTY
(Likes to pretend the front yard is  a spa and takes mud baths regularly)

NAUGHTY LIST #4


NAME: AXEL FOLEY
AGE: 2
BREED: LONG-HAIRED CHIHUAHUA
CRIMES: TRESPASSING, KNOWN PERVERT, ASSAULT
 TRESPASSING
(Hang out on the dining room table when Mom isn't home)


PERVERT
(Likes to hump Anakin's face...

and his Santa toy until he has an asthma attack)

(Also likes to touch, lay on, and stick his head down the shirt of women)

ASSAULT
(Likes to bonsai off the steps onto Anakin's head and fight)

NAUGHTY LIST #5

NAME: KUNIK JEFFREY
AGE: 9
BREED: AMERICAN ESKIMO (SPITZ)
ALIAS: SNEAKER DOG, NEAKERS, JEFF
CRIMES: THEFT, MURDER

THEFT
(Anakin's sock thief partner)


MURDER
(Killed Santa)


 NAUGHTY LIST #6: 
MINOR OFFENDERS




NAME: P.O.W KITTY (PIECE OF WORK)
AGE: 4
BREED- UNKNOWN
ALIAS: BURGER 
CRIME: FRAUD AND THEFT - 
EATS TINSEL AND GARLAND OFF CHRISTMAS TREE AND THEN POOPS IT OUT.
FRAUD
(Pretends to admire daisies, but really eats them)


 P.O.W. was also accused of fighting with Anakin, but that was later ruled as self-defense.



NAUGHTY LIST #7
(MINOR OFFENDER)



NAME: SAWYER
AGE: ALMOST 2
BREED: UNKNOWN
ALIAS: SOYS, BABY KITTY
CRIMES: ATTEMPTED ASSAULT, TRESPASSING










ATTEMPTED ASSAULT
(Tried to walk across the water while Mom was taking a bath)


...thankfully Anakin jumped in to save him... Mom was not happy with us.

TRESPASSING

(Trespassed on dining room table with Axel)



Sawyer is also the prime suspect in the destruction of Christmas ornaments and is believed to be the Kingpin of a hair tie theft ring.
NAUGHTY LIST #8:



NAME: COLBY JACKSON
AGE: 10
ALIAS: COLBS
CRIME: MIND-NUMBINGLY STUPID. SERIOUSLY...NOT SURE WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS SMARTER.









We also are looking for any leads on an unsolved crime: 

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have been good enough to make Santa's Nice List, but bad enough to just miss being on the Naughty List ;)

Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Untaming of the Unicorn...

Today while listening to The Bert Show, I got so angry about the topic they were discussing that I almost drove off of the road trying to change the station. Now normally, I don't get emotional about these types of things, but this was different. The host was reading an article recently written by a man named Preston Waters titled, "Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns." It can pretty much be summed up like this:

Women are bad and no longer have morals or respect for themselves. Men want to sleep with everything that walks but want to marry a good girl with morals, standards, self-respect, and a hymen which is about as rare as a unicorn, according to him. However, if they do find a unicorn, they will cheat on her because she will bore them.

No really, click the link below and read the article...I'll wait.

Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns

Now, allow me to tell you why this is complete and utter crap. With the exception of the whole hymen being intact thing (hey I was married), I have always been what is considered to be a good girl... a unicorn, if you will. I don't have sex with random strangers. I don't steal, cheat, or do drugs. I have done and do charity work. I don't rely on any one to take care of me and as a bonus, I'm pretty freaking funny too.

You know what that got me. Single. Why? Because of men. You guys don't know what the hell you want. Part of it is from the wussification of the American male. Many of you can't hold a job (or won't). You have no idea how to be adults. Just because you live on your own (maybe) and have a job (maybe), that does NOT make you an adult or a grown up. Women are tired of being the good little girl that you seem to want. Why? Well allow me to use your own words, Preston:

"But then there is the other side of the spectrum, that when we do actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat. It’s like a double-edged sword. You realize it wasn’t getting the unicorn, but rather attracting something you thought never existed. It always is about the chase and never about the perfection of the woman. And that is the mindset of men in the 21st century.
What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained."
You may have noticed that women aren't exactly lining up to get married anymore. There is a reason for this. See marriage used to be about partnership. Whether it was the Caveman era of men hunting and the women gathering or the 1950's when most women stayed home, took care of the house and children while the man went out and worked all day to earn the money, it boiled down to teamwork. Somehow, we have gotten away from that.Today, women not only spend all day working, they have to come home, take care of the house and children, be a sex goddess in bed, and take care of their man. This is not just merely my opinion, but that of several women, including a large majority of my married friends that claim their day goes something like this:

Woman's day: Get ready (and possibly get children ready). Go to work for 8+ hours. Come home from work. Stop at grocery store to get something for dinner. Make dinner. Clean house. Do laundry. Do dinner and breakfast dishes because for some reason, most men think that when they take a dish and place it in the sink a little fairy comes, washes them and puts them away so that they will magically be in the cupboard the next time you need them. Pay bills. (If you have children do homework, take to any sporting things, make sure they are relatively clean). Make sure all lights are off, doors are locked, blankets are folded, etc. Sit down with something to drink and get shit for what you want to watch because it's "stupid". Go to bed. Possibly have sex. Oh, and I forgot to throw in shopping for any birthday gifts or getting ready for any holidays that may be approaching which she will most likely lie awake half of the night trying to remember if there is anything else she is forgetting.

Husbands (or boyfriends) tend to wake up, go to work, come home, lie on the couch or do some sort of activity they enjoy like gaming, watching Sports Center, or tinkering with a car. Eat dinner. Return to the couch or activity. Go to bed. They don't want to do chores because it's not "fun"(really, because we would rather dust and vacuum than go out with our friends or get a massage any day) or they feel we should ask them to do these chores (hey buddy, it's your house too, I'm not your mother. Get off your ass!)

Now, before all of the men out there get their panties in a wad, allow me to say, I do understand that not all of you are like that. Some are single fathers and others do help their wives/girlfriends. But, being a member of the dating world, ex-married world, and now, happily single world, and also, having eyes and ears, I can tell you that those men are few and far between.

For a long time, it was expected that the woman would support the man's goals and the woman's goals would be put on the back burner because, well, the man made the money and the woman's "job" was to be emotionally supportive and encouraging for the betterment of the family. They would compliment each other, go places, and do things like join bridge clubs.

But then, something changed. Women started entering the work force and I'll admit it, in a way, we screwed ourselves. Guys were like WOO-HOO! This is great. All of the burden of providing for the family no longer falls on me. While women thought, sure! I can help with the bills...and he will help with the housework and kids.

This is where there was a breakdown in communication.

See, that didn't happen. And again, I am willing to claim some responsibility for that too...just not all of it. As women, growing up, a lot of time, you heard things like, "Don't bother your father with that. He worked all day" or "You can't expect a man to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries. They aren't into that kind of stuff." Yep, we made excuses. Some of us even went so far as to get offended when a man would ask us out and then not allow us to pay our share of the date. After all, we were making money. We should be on an equal playing field. Woo-hoo for women's lib!

Shit...

Now, not only do men not offer to pay but, in many instances, they don't even offer or make up an excuse as to why they can't pay their share. I cannot tell you the number of women I know that have gone out with a guy only to be told oops he forgot his wallet or to have him get the uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom as the cashier is ringing up dinner or movie tickets. This guy usually relies on the woman feeling bad for him, buying his bullshit, or being too embarrassed (or just plain shocked) to call him on it. The same goes with birthdays. They don't have money to buy their woman a gift, but have enough money to go out drinking with the guys or buy a new video game. I can tell you with relative certainty that at least 3 men that I dated for a decent period of time could not tell you my date of birth, how many brothers and sisters I have, or, if I even have any. They never asked about my dreams or ambitions even though I constantly asked and tried to support their's.

Now you can say, well, you shouldn't date those type of guys, but what you don't understand is a lot of men are like mini con-artists. They act one way in the beginning. They are doting and may even be romantic, and tell you how beautiful or smart you are and then pull a sort of bait and switch on you. They turn into this lecherous slack ass that puts you down or tries to demean you. And the nicer girl you are, the worse it seems to be because they seem to view you has an easy mark.

So, we got sick of it and realized we were becoming the men we wanted to marry. We pay our own rent/mortgages. We buy our own things. We take care of ourselves, and frankly, we are tired of dating (or marrying) men that expect us to be a maid, mother, freak in bed, nanny, cheerleader, and financial contributor when we get nothing (or very little) in return. Seriously, men want their women to wear sexy lingerie, maybe do a strip tease every once in awhile, etc. But, men, what have you done to prep for sex? Seriously, we are lucky if we even get a little bit of foreplay and then most of you bitch about having to do that. And sorry, but pulling off your clothes, lying down, and saying, "Hop on" does not count as foreplay.

With all of the crazy porn mags,websites, and lies their buddies tell them, men expect their women to be more and more freaky...but at the same time, they don't want her to have done anything to get that experience or worry about what else or who else she might have done. If a woman is a virgin she is a prude. If she enjoys sex, she is a slut. If we are inexperienced, you are bored with us. If we are knowledgeable, we must be whores. If we dress provocatively we are hookers. If we dress conservatively, you ignore us. We are tired of trying to figure out what you want. So we stopped trying and started thinking about what we want.

Now we dress for us. We make our own money. Buy our own things. And aren't going to put up with you telling us that your dreams are more important than our's  or that you don't have to do things like buy us cards or flowers because that's "not your thing". You know what, if it isn't your thing, that means we don't have to do it for you. But if it is our thing, then every so often, you should do it for us. Not because we made you, but because you want to.

Men need to stop asking how a woman should be a woman and worry more about how a man should be a man. Stop questioning what we bring to the relationship and start asking what you bring. Do you have a job? Goals? Manners? Good relationships with friends/family?  Do you do anything to better your community or the world? Are you capable of monogamy? Are you a cheerleader for your wife(or girlfriend) or kids? Do you make an effort in bed?

I like sex...and I'm not ashamed of it and neither are 90% of my friends. It is a great stress reliever, a way to connect with someone, it makes you feel sexy, boosts your mood, and it's fun. I am not going to act like Mother Theresa and take a vow of abstinence while I wait for a great guy to come along...a unicorn if you will. And, not that there have been a lot but I have had lovers and I chose them very carefully. I'm not out picking up strangers every night in a bar but that said, have I ever sent someone I have a relationship with sexy pictures of myself or sexted? You bet your ass I have. I'm not posting it on Facebook or sending them to every person I meet because that's not who I am. It doesn't mean that isn't what works for someone else. Who am I to judge? Maybe that makes someone feel sexy. Maybe someone doesn't have the time for a relationship and would rather get involved with a stranger than risk screwing up a friendship with sex. It's not my place to judge what works for who just like it isn't your's.

Women shouldn't be (and aren't) making apologies for being strong, independent, sexual beings that know what we want. It's not that we've lost respect for ourselves. It's that we've found it. There are always going to be people that share too much in some people's opinions and don't share enough in other people's opinions. The thing is, if you care about what everyone else thinks is right and wrong, you are going to have a pretty miserable life. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But one thing we can't do is worry about what men want because the truth is you are fickle as hell and all want something different depending on the day.

Men (and their mothers) used to have a saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well in keeping with the barnyard animal theme, women came up with one of our own: Why by the whole pig when all you want is some sausage? Or in this case...a little horn?